Donor Conception General Chatter #3

[Malyna]

Went to see the counsellor today who told us that they found two immobile sperm (probably dead) and that we needed to see our FS to talk about where to from here. She didn't want to talk with us about Donor sperm, but I asked about the waiting list and she said that it wasn't really an issue in the ACT and that we would have to wait the 3mth cooling off period.

The options that are open to us at the moment are:

DH undergoes another larger procedure to see if they can find any sperm anywhere (they only looked in the left testicle) and take a larger biopsy.

We skip this and head straight down the donor sperm path.

With the first option to speed things up they could put me through a cycle of IVF and have me ready to go in case they find anything - if not they could freeze my eggs (which is something they only started 3-4mths ago)



We see the specialist on the 18th December and I think we will be cracking the . I feel like we have been running around in circles, wasting time, when I could have been having tests to see if my plumbing is ok and getting things prepared for IVF.

So while we were hoping to get started in early January, it looks like it will be early/mid 2008 before we can get anything happening.

[blizz]

Dear Tarkine,
I just wanted to wish you all the best with the appointments we started our journey in a similar situation to you, my husband is infertile and when we found out it was so devestating my husbands response was well that's it then I guess we're not having a family he went through some fairly major depression and told me to leave him and marry someone else and wouldn't consider any other option for a long while, but he was soooo meant to have children and after a lot of soul searching and some good hard "why us's" we decided to use donor sperm like the ACT we didn't have a problem with waiting lists and started straight away. We are three years on and have our precious angel 17mths and my DH is the most devoted, loving, proud father you could possibly imagine. It was so worth everything we went through. If you need to talk I'm not on line a lot but I am here if you need me along with the other amazing members of this post , Good luck honey

[Malyna]

Blizz, did you tell your family that you were going to use donor sperm? it is one of the things we are not sure about whether to tell everyone and then it is out in the open (once we are well and truly pregnant!) so then there are no secrets. I grew up in a family where my older sister was born before my parents got married (I'm talking 1946) when it was taboo and there was a huge thing about whether my biological dad was her biological dad - I don't really care as she is my sister, but it is important to some and can impact on their lives - but it can cause problems

[Lissie]

Tarkine,

Good luck with all that is going on with you and i hope you get your bundle in 2008
My hubby and i have done, the egg, the sperm donor thing and now onto donor embryo.
As far as telling anyone that is a personal choice for you and your DH and no one can tell you what to do. It is what you guys feel comfortable with. WE told our families about the whole thing as they have followed and supported our journey over the years, and after failing with our own dna we moved onto donors and were 110% supported by our families and friends. Counsellors have told us over the years that it is up to the parents to tell or not to tell. Anyway just wanted to wish you luck with your journey and i hope its a short one.

[blizz]

Tarkine,
Hi honey sorry it took me so long to get back to you haven't been on line till last night and I read your post, replied and then accidently erased it, cracked the #!!** and went to bed!!!! vowing to reply tonight so here goes. I agree with Lissie it really comes down to personal choice I think that personally if you are up front and honest with things then you don't get caught up in the who have we told who haven't we told scenario. We told our immediate family and close friends because we really needed their support we don't tell everybody as a rule that we use DS but I do tell everybody who cares that DD was concieved through IVF for a few reasons one it stops the incessant questions about when we are having another child from well meaning people (and sticky beaks) and another that I want to be available to anybody who is having trouble concieving naturally and have been told that they need to consider other options so if they need somebody to ask questions of, or need to talk or just some support I am available.
It is amazing how many people tell me " oh you did ivf?, I new someone who did ivf with their first child and then had their next child naturallyif only they new!!!!
We haven't made any firm decisions about what we are going to do as far as telling people and even telling DD in the future but we are just taking things as they come at the moment and our opinions change all the time.
The only pit fall that I have found by telling friends is that we had a major falling out with some close friends who knew about the DS factor and now sometimes it feels like they could use it as a revenge tool and my worst fear would be for DD to find out about her conception from some nasty gossipy person in the future so at the moment I'm leaning towards telling people and DD when she is old enough and eliminating this feeling that I have of people holding something over me (does that make any sense?)But I also need to respect the fact that at the moment DH doesn't feel comfortable with people and DD knowing that she is not his biological child.
As far as I'm concerned she is sooooooo much like him in sooooo many ways that I don't EVER think of her as being anything other than his, they love each other so much that all I ever hear is 'daddy' 'dad,dad,dad"hope this helps you I think it helped me to write it good luck with your appointments let me know how you get on

[Millie08]

Hi girls

I'm brand new to this forum business.. so please bear with me as I learn the ropes and the lingo!

After numerous tests and procedures, my DH and I found out yesterday that he is infertile and that the only way for us to have the family we have been dreaming of is via DS or adoption...

As we spend the next few weeks trying to come to terms with our situation, we aren't wasting any time and already researching our options, with DS being something that we are contemplating.

How long do you think we should wait for before we start the process? Our FS recommended waiting 6 months, but not sure if we can wait that long!!

Apart from trying to come to terms with never being able to have one of his own offspring with his characteristics, one of the concerns my DH is having with this option is more so down the track, when we have to tell our child that DH is not their biological dad.. he is worried about their reaction.

Our FS actually gets the DS from the US.. not sure if this is good or bad?? Our FS also made the suggestion of getting the DS from a brother.. not sure if this is good or bad either??

Sorry for rambling, but as you can see.. there is so much to take in, and whilst at the moment it feels like our dreams have been shattered, we're trying to understand all choices and hearing from people who have gone down this road will really help us.

Millie

[Malyna]

I think Millie it depends on where you are in Oz to how long the wait is for DS. I asked at the clinic here in the ACt and they said they had no issues with waiting lists, but others have had to wait.

It would also depend on your age. Also there is a 3 mth "cooling off/waiting" period from the time you make the decision to use DS and the time you get it - if you know the donor then it is 6mths as there are plenty of tests for them to undergo first.

US DS will cost more - again depends on your budget and what your thoughts are on the whole thing.

Regarding the telling of your children, there are support groups around for both children and parents who used Donor sperm/eggs et al and they would probably (i guess) be the best places to go and talk with someone who has been in your shoes before.... that is where I will be dragging DH along to, so we can talk with those who have gone before us on this journey as well as these forums, which have provided a wealth of information to us (and provided us with some very useful questions to ask the FS when we meet them).

[Caramello]

Hi everyone,

Just letting you know that DH and I saw the IVF clinic last Monday and we're on the magical mystery tour again.

Our SD has to do another blood test (which means another phone call from me to chase him up - our FS said he would ring but given he didn't last time I think it's easier that I do it).

As I said in the Woo Hoo post we had a small win - the sperm is being moved from where it is to our clinic, and IVF Australia has been really generous and will not be charging us for storage until May.

We also need to sign some more papers to start again.

My FS wants to start with IUI - he said there was absolutely no reason why it shouldn't work this way and he wants to try it with the new sperm.

So we agreed to try again at least once, maybe twice, and see what happens.

So it looks like we will be starting in Jan/Feb - as long as the blood tests and paperwork are done,

To be honest I felt like I was jumping back on the bandwagon again - a little weary of the whole process. Hopefully this mood is just pre Christmas jadedness.

Hope everyone else is going well..

[blizz]

I think you're right Tarkine it does depend on where you live as to the waiting lists when we started we had no issues with finding a donor on the IVF units data base and were even able to make some selections of physical charateristics so that bubby would have some simillar features to my DH.
I guess nothing is fool proof though and my DD turned out to be the most georgeous blue eyed blondey and at the moment has no signs of this changing (DH and I are both dark haired brown/green eyes) Our FS told us at the time we started that these character traits can be different even in biological matches he was a tall red haired son to dark haired medium build parents.
But we wouldn't trade our blonde haired princess for anything and it is amazing how many people tell us that she looks so like her daddy and nothing like me LOL!!!!He also told us that people look for similarites and not differences between parents and their children and that has proved sooo true from our experiences so far

[rather hazy]

Dear Tarkine,
I just wanted to wish you all the best with the appointments we started our journey in a similar situation to you, my husband is infertile and when we found out it was so devestating my husbands response was well that's it then I guess we're not having a family he went through some fairly major depression and told me to leave him and marry someone else and wouldn't consider any other option for a long while, but he was soooo meant to have children and after a lot of soul searching and some good hard "why us's" we decided to use donor sperm like the ACT we didn't have a problem with waiting lists and started straight away. We are three years on and have our precious angel 17mths and my DH is the most devoted, loving, proud father you could possibly imagine. It was so worth everything we went through. If you need to talk I'm not on line a lot but I am here if you need me along with the other amazing members of this post , Good luck honey

Hi Tarkine, my husband and I have just found out that he's infertile too (although we've only had one test) but my husband's reaction was EXACTLY the same! I'm so pleased he changed his attitude, there is hope for my husband to change his mind too. Thank you so much!

[rather hazy]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and thank you to Gargy for the warm welcome.

We just found out on Monday that my husband has no sperm. We are going back to his regular GP to see if there is another kind of test that can be done or something. This is all soooo very foreign to me and I am perhaps very naive too. I have no clue about donor sperm or IVF or any other of the 'things' we might have to do. You all use abbreviations, so I don't really know what it all means yet

But before I hound the GP with 1000 questions, I decided I might get some answers myself, here.

Does anyone know how many tests they do to check for sperm? (this probably sounds stupid...)... but I'm hoping my husband has 'blocked tubes' or something that is preventing his sperm from getting through. My husband has only had to provide a sample so far which proved to be 'Nil' for sperm.

Anyway, I look forward to what is possibly going to be a long association with you all...

[blizz]

Rather Hazy,
Welcome honey I'm sorry you both have to go through such a hard time I won't lie it's not easy but stay strong to your partner and let him know how much you love him. from talking with my husband about his feelings when we were first diagnosed he said he felt like someone had died after talking with a counsellor we discovered that finding out you are infertile is up their with losing a loved one on the stress scale and you need to go through a grieving process. I guess you loose your dreams in the form that they were.ie, getting married and having a family with someone you love.
We had some really big downs just after diagnosis, and for a fair while after this.
If you can talk your partner in to seeing a counsellor together it really helped us to put things in to perspective and a supportive FS will also help when looking into your options.
as far as testing for sperm DH didn't get furthur than providing a sample which was 0 count.
We found out after this that the size of his testes was equivelent to a 1year old. This did wonders for DH self esteem and sense of worth.
I've had reassure him so many times in this process and I think that having a positive attitude about change ie "well this is where we are at, what is our next step?" Seemed to help us as well, but i've always been a practical minded person.
We are a stronger couple now as a result of our journey but the road hasn't always been smooth
love and support each other through this difficult process and remember we are here if you need to offload take care sweety
let me know how you get on I'll be thinking of you

[blizz]

oh yeah Rather Hazy,
go to Forum jump at the bottom of the page and choose 'Forum help, Abbreviations and FAQS', there is a sticky thread by Belly belly(thanks heaps Kelly) called 'common forum jargon, abbreviations and acronyms' I printed a copy to sit beside my computer when I first started posting
talk to you soon Allie xxx

[Millie08]

Hi Rather Hazy

I'm fairly new here too (we only found out last Wednesday that my DH is infertile) and I know exactly how you are feeling. It's so overwhelming.. especially for DH.. and not something that you think will ever happen to you!! All of our friends and family fall pregnant at the drop of a hat... and we just thought that we would be the same.

My DH did his first sperm test about 3 weeks ago which came back NIL. Our doc sent us to the FS who did a brief examination of the testes (which were a normal size), sent him for some genetic blood tests (they look for a cystic fybrosis gene) and gave us our options. He said that he would do another sperm test in a few weeks time and still if nothing (which it was), he would do a procedure on DH which is called a PESA/TESA. This is where they sedate DH (in a day hospital) and use a needle to check in the tubes and the testis for sperm (which would mean that there was a blockage somewhere - if they did find sperm, he was going to freeze the best ones and we would then start the IVF process). Unfortunately for us, that test came back as NIL too.

At the moment, we are still trying to get our heads around the whole thing and are planning on seeing a counsellor this week some time. DH is taking this very hard, he feels like he has let me down. So I am doing what I can to reassure him that it is OK and that we will be OK. And as Allie said, what we are going through is like losing someone you love .. it's just we don't have an event or occasion to grieve over. It's kind of hard to explain to people..

Anyway, let us know how you go with the next lot of tests. It's great to be able to talk to people in a similar situation!!

Millie x

[rather hazy]

Allie & Millie

my god, you ladies are fantastic! I've been crying for what I thought was no reason, well not NO reason, I knew why I was crying but I felt so stupid for it. I do feel like I've lost something that I never had, thank you to you both for helping me realise.

I'm so worried about DH (i've been reading upon abbrev.). He's so quiet and won't talk with me about it. He keeps saying, "It's not confirmed yet, we'll go see GP and get other tests done". Yet on the otherhand I know it's on his mind and he is quite apologetic to me and constantly says that he's let me down or that I've married a dud and that I should leave him and he wouldn't blame me.

I understand completely how he's feeling but he just wont talk to me. He won't even let me go to GP with him to discuss more testing. Is this something he'll eventually become approachable about?

He had a serious infection in this left teste a few years ago and spent some time in hospital, the teste died at the time. They said there was a chance it could have effected/affected the right side. But at the time we didn't think much of it, we had only been dating for 8 months or so.

I know he blames himself for what has happened and I can't make him see reason. There is NO WAY he'd go to a counsellor to talk about it, how else can I help him?

I've approached the subject of donor sperm with him but he says he'd rather have no kids - he feels it woudn't be 'his' child.

Millie, thank you for the info about the further testing. I was hopeful that we wouldn't be doomed to bad news on the basis of one test. I shall keep my fingers crossed.

Again, thank you to you both

[blizz]

Millie and Rather Hazy,
I know none of us wish anyone ill but isn't it scary how many pregnant people are in the world when you get diagosed as infertile. I felt that everywhere I looked there were women having babies or pushing newborns around it broke my heart. DH fell in his first major heap after, of all things, a day at the cricket!!! he'd been watching a dad playing with his son and when he got home that afternoon it hit home that it wouldn't be him (not in that way anyway)this triggered his biggest depression but I think long term it was this incident that also reafirmed his desire to have a baby. I know he mainly did it for me, but as the time went on he became more excited about the having a baby thing and the donor issue seemed to fade in to the background.
Allie xxxx super big hugs to you both I can honestly say I know how you feel

[blizz]

Rather Hazy,
Don't loose heart it is early days yet you are still in the process of working out what your dealing with, it is not going to resolve it's self quickly so allow yourselves some time to grieve.
My DH was totally not considering ANY other options at the time he was diagnosed, Let the counsellor thing slide for a little while my DH wouldn't consider going at first either it was quite a few weeks down the track and eventually I had to say that "I am committed to this relationship, I love you but I am worried about us/you I think we need to see a counsellor( I thought at one point that my DH was acting suicidal he had gone so far in to himself and it freaked the hell out of me) I ended up making an appointment with the counsellor contracted to my work and we went to the first session together and then DH went to the next two alone. The counsellor gave me his card and told me to call him if I was concerned about DH. But luckily we were able to move past this dark time I still get the shudders when I think of it.
I'd be trying to force myself in to hubby's appointments (I organised most of my DH's appointments at the time) I didn't give him the choice!!! this baby making thing is about the two of us reguardless of what form it takes, we married for better and for worse and far out I've had a gutfull of worse thankfully we found some better at the other end of our journey and I sooooooo hope you lovely ladies can find your way through this as well, love to you both and stay strong
as much as your DH's may think so at the moment it is not all about them!!!!

[Caramello]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that DH and I have a similar story. No sperm in the ejaculate, and no sperm when he had the biopsy either. He originally said - well that's ot, no children. However over time and with a good counsellor this initial decision was talked through and changed.

We've had our highs and lows, and I think that the diagnosis didn't help with DH's anxiety, however we are in a much stronger place now than we have been.

If you have the time you are quite welcome to read my blog to see what experiences we have had.

Blizz, I agree. I seem to attract pregnant people! It's so bad that my BF started killing herself laughing when I was sitting waiting for her in a coffee shop and there were two people on either side of me heavily pregnant! I hadn't even noticed!