Passive Aggression... Why?

[Liz]

It is aggression that is disguised as something else; usually either ignorance/obliviousness (in the case of asserting dominance [third and fourth examples]) or doing you a favour (being a martyr [first and second examples]). This gives the person an easy out to claim innocence when confronted which I think is why it is such a frustrating thing to deal with.

Your examples are kind of obvious aggression tho. Backhanded comments that obviously have intent.

But saying that laziness or forgetfulness is PA is assuming intent. I wouldn't assume that DH's behaviour is PA as what a miserable life I would lead believing my husband was mean and manipulative! LOL. I wouldn't like to think people assume there is intent on our part because we're late when we go out.

I would think DH's socks on the floor are habitual.. enabled by me picking the darn things up all the time LOL. I really don't see malicious intent disguised by forgetfulness in it. Whereas me leaving them there and him running out of socks I see as manipulative on my part, cos it would be a "see how he likes running out of clean socks" kind of thing (even if I warned him), when it IS me who does the washing, i'd just like it all put in the hamper. And yet this is being disguised as 'teaching consequences'. I just need to try and break his habit of going into the office and removing shoes & socks. Catch him before he does it and remind him to take them off elsewhere so he can put them in the hamper.

I really think if everyday stuff is taken as PA you would think the world is out to get you and it would be a very miserable existence. I see laziness and even lateness as self serving.. not as mean & manipulative.. which is what I believe PA is. Just as in other threads about nobody can make you feel that way.. there must be an element of over-sensitivity if everyday stuff is deemed to be PA and believing people are being mean and manipulative all the time.

Dh could run late because he doesn't really want to go and subconsciously drags his feet... not cos he's out to get me or to make me look bad. I dunno... I just feel some things are over analysed and taken too personally.

To me, PA is fairly obvious, not disguised. Yes they throw on a disguise as an excuse if called on it, but the intent is blaringly obvious in that first instance.. body language and tone of voice are usually a give away (I'm sure I have a look in my eye when I'm being PA.. in fact I know I do.. and I don't like it). Which is why I don't believe DH's ongoing "I was going to pick them up" is PA.. as in DH's weird little ADD world he probably was going to.. just who knows when? LOL. He cleans up his part of the office now & then LOL.

ETA: yep Lulu - I agree that those things are really something else. Jellyfish's examples are what I see as PA too.. obvious underhanded comments.