Talking about Pain...

[misty]

I find it incredibly hard to open up about significant issues in my life. Even when I do try, it is like there is not real interest, so I give up. It is hard to open up about how I am feeling IRL in particular. On BB I am abit more open, but only to an extent. I have posted anon about some issues, because I have needed to get it out, but didn't want anyone to know it was me. And even then I have found it hard to be completely open and honest and I have ended up deleting alot of what I have actually wanted to say.

It sounds easy to say "tell people your problems". I find it really hard. When faced with disinterest or one-up-manship again and again, it makes you ask 'why bother'. So I guess I am probably a little (or alot) scared of rejection, or something. Also I feel don't deal well with pity - I don't want it, I don't like it; and I don't want my problems to colour the way people see me. I have very little patience with people who use their problems as an excuse to behave badly or treat others poorly, and I guess I am afraid that others may judge me the same or start excusing me for my bad bahaviour / treatment of others because of my 'issues'. I am most open with my DH. There is not much I cann't tell him, so he is my saving grace. However, even then I can really struggle to tell him some things and if he misunderstands I might allow myself to give up. I guess there is probably an element of embarrassment in it too.

Maybe that is silly. I don't know.

I think I lost my trust in others with my problems and secrets when I was a child (actually I can pretty much pinpoint when). The question then arises 'how do you get that ability to open up back?'

It's funny how much easier it is to be more open with total strangers, then with people I know. I guess there is a safety in anonimity.

The stupid thing is that if anyone else had the same problems I do / did, I would be the first there to offer support and advice and comfort and to tell them that no-one would be judging them, and that their issues where worth listening to.

Hhhnmmm... this thread is a bit of an eyeopener, having a few realisations here. Not sure what to do with those realisations, but gotta start somewhere I guess.

[Inanna]

I'm sorry I posted this and left it... I've been incredibly unwell this past 10 days & literally haven't had it in me to be on my puter!

Thankyou for those that replied.

Fionas I found your comment really struck me

it's risky to open up. You could get bitten on the bum as I have, if you choose to open up to the wrong people. And old friends doesn't necessarily mean "good" friends or "close" friends.

What is the risk of opening up? What is it that we risk?

I am not "picking on you" I just sincerely want to understand what it is that is so deeply feared by so many?

I am a very open person who really most people know as outspoken and it's very obvious what Ifeel and think on different matters. I hope & I aim to communicate that with kindness and tact but nevertheless I am very succinct and direct in my opinions (or lack of one!). i don't find it difficult to share my feelings. I hear people say it's risky but what are we really risking?

To me the only risk in not opening up is that the other will not know us in our entirety (whatever that may be in that moment!).

I find I have more time now as a 40 something with 5 kids than I did single and working. Mostly because now I actually do know who I am, who I aspire to be, my beliefs, or where I am undecided etc etc. I have and do think more deeply and widely than I did at 23 than I do at 43.

Perhaps because I do share and open up I have found it less difficult to build a village. There are few secrets & I have no fear in saying: "I don't know about that" or "that's different to how I feel but I hear you"... When as a younger woman I felt more pressured (but less than some!) to conform somewhat.

I hope it's okay to ask that question of you Fiomas

[fionas]

It's totally fine to ask that question Inanna - I count myself as a very open person too. I actually wrote that post when I felt that I had opened up to my oldest friends about how difficult I think my life has been in the last few years and particularly in the last few months with a very difficult pregnancy. Their responses, or lack thereof, made me feel like a whinging loser so I guess the risk from my perspective was feeling worse. Not only was I dealing with a rough trot anyway but also their reactions which I found quite hurtful.

However, I actually opened up to them again last week and told them exactly that and we are now back on track. But it took a lot of courage to do that because I was afraid of making the situation worse and feeling a bigger fool, I suppose. The risk was "they already think I'm a whinger, now I'm going to whinge that they THINK I'm a whinger which kind of proves their point." Of course, they didn't react that way. I guess it's just a lesson that whatever you're feeling is never foolish but I still think there's a risk involved in opening up. That's OK, every decision in life has some kind of risk so I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just a fact.

[littlelara]

I think it depends on why you are self disclosing.
If it's to let another person know where you've been and who you are, you really aren't risking as much. if you're making yourself vulnerable and asking for acceptance, you are risking rejection.
I had quite bad depression (set off by pnd) when I first gave birth to Beth. I wasn't myself, had lost the ability to edit, was really all over the place and damaged in ways I couldn't even articulate or understand myself.
I had two best girlfriends at the time who, if you'd asked me prior, I would have said would stick by me and get me through anything.
As it happens I was wrong, and they not only walked away, but openly and brutally rejected me first when all I really needed was them to keep faith in me and wait it out. It broke my heart and sent me spiralling.
I can reveal this here because I have nothing invested and there really is no one to reject me. Revealing my blackest side to the people I thought loved me best at the time left me crushed.
Now that I've come through what I have (as much as anyone, anyway) I have no qualms imparting my knowledge or perspective, but only if it's in context or if I think I can be of use to someone else. But again, those situations don't come up organically very often in my day to day life.
Does that make sense?

[Inanna]

It does make sense Lara

[misty]

Exactly what Lara said.

You risk:
being dismissed
being rejected
having others judge you - think you are a sook, think you are pathetic, think you are hopeless.
people seeing you as a victim
being made to feel silly, worthless, boring.

For me (and this is going to sound really pathetic) I fear that people will see my vulnerabilities and then turn them against me.
This has been a learned experience, where I have opened up and trusted with my innermost secrets to people only to have them turn around and use them against me, or spread these things to other people and betray that trust. When that happens enough, you learn that it is much safer to simply not let anyone into that inner circle. A case of once bitten twice shy.

You really need to be secured in a relationship to feel you can open up properly without risk, but it is a bit of a catch 22 - because how can you feel secure without being able to open up.

I get along with people easily. I can talk to anyone and I do. I only have less then a handful of people I would consider friends, no topic is off limits - but with all of these friends, I would still struggle to put myself out there too much.

[Nettie]

The known is 'safe' and we know where we stand - even if that means constant pain and suffering... the unknown *could* be worse!

Someone has a saying on their tagline or signature that says something like 'people can only hurt you if you give permission' - it's so true. If you have confidence in yourself and have your own self to 'fall back on' - you won't be hurt by the other person's possible rejection because you weren't seeking their approval - iykwim. It's the need to fill up our own selves with other's support that lends us to hurt.

So I think what I'm saying is that you need to grow yourself first before you can have the strength to 'put yourself out there'. But by the time you've grown - you won't need to put yourself out there as you'll have all you need from yourself.

The next question is - how do you grow yourself?

*hugs* to all those who have suffered hurt... I hope this thread helps you get a little trust back in yourself to help you take a further step.