I don't know what to do

[rufalina]

You have access to EAP, I think you should use it. And I agree, can it hurt things further to let DH know you are doing it, and trying to sort yourself out, as Lulu said...

[Torn]

I know accessing EAP shouldn't be an issue. But it is. DH does work long hours and he already struggles when he has to pick DD up from creche (because we have a rule she has to be collected by 530pm which means he has to leave work by 415). On average, he has to collect her two to three times a week which seriously affects his work load and productivity. Or so I'm told. He can (and does) work from home in the evenings. And I don't really want any extra grief. I have enough of that going on.

I'd like to say I don't need counselling... but the fact I can't get my head and heart to reconcile suggests I do, doesn't it?

DH does know I'm not happy. I've told him. Repeatedly. He just doesn't seem to care. He's even said as much. He doesn't care about anything right now.

We've just been to Doncaster and had a... well, it wasn't even a fight. I made a driving error and admit I was totally in the wrong. Luckily there were no ill events due to my error (no accidents etc). However, DH raised his voice at me and I yelled back - I told him to shut up. His reaction? He got out the car (nearly getting killed in the process by a passing car). DD became distraught wanting to know where Daddy was going. I circled back to get him but he was gone. I rang his phone which I have since discovered is at home. He is not dressed warmly. It hapened about an hour ago and still isn't home. A bus ride wouldn't take that long to where we live. We were both at fault for the "argument" but I know I will cop it (verbally) when he gets home. I'm pretty worried about how ugly it could get. Poor DD is still asking where Daddy is. I just want to cry but won't. I can't shed any more tears. even right now, I don't know that I 100% want to leave him. But when is love just not enough?

[Celsie]

I'm scared of being a single parent.

Sounds like you already are...

He has NO right to yell at your daughter, she's just a baby... SHAME!!!

Huge hugs!!!

I hope you find your path soon.

[Torn]

Celsie - he hasn't yelled at her.he yelled at me in the car. and i yelled back

[Celsie]

DD has called him a Monster. He has yelled and carried on and made numerous threats about leaving.

Sorry, just assumed from what you'd written here. My heart goes out to you. What a horrible ordeal for you. Can you go home to stay with your parents or siblings, even if it means leaving your job and surviving on cenrelink benefits for a while, just till you get yourself sorted?

[widdly]

I wish I could make things easier for you, make a decision for you.

I was with XH for 8 years, married for 4 years and have a 3 year old DS. After expressing my discontent with our relationship and him not trying to do anything about it, I moved out in January, however, I really thought that we would sort things out and get back together, we were on again off again for 6 months, til last week when I finally told him enough is enough, I finally realised after much pain and heartbreak and toing and froing that our marriage was NOT salvagable.

I had ALL the same worries as you about being on my own with DS and having money to start all over again, plus I still loved XH. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep feeling guilty about breaking XH heart and breaking up DS family. I made myself sick trying to figure out the right thing to do.

All I can tell you is that eventually you will come to a time where you will just know that its not worth it any more, and you will feel at peace with that decision. You def need lots of supportive loving family and friends around you, I found the girl here on BB are a tower of strength for me.

If you do decide to move on from your DH, things WILL work out in the finish, you just need to learn to ask for help and also to know where to ask for help.

Please put yourself first. You need to do some soul searching and work out what you want in life and if DH can happily live that life with you or not.

My heart goes out to you, plesae pm me anytime you feel the need to vent ot what ever xx

[Phteven]

But when is love just not enough?

love is not enough when there is no respect. Over-reacting to your driving error by jumping into traffic and storming off is not acceptable. We all make mistakes and if no-one was hurt then there is nothing to be gained by behaving like a child about it.

I guess I'm a bit of freak or maybe I'm really cold but I'm always aware that if I break up with DH that I will be ok - that I will move on and I will be happy to be single. The same is true for you. Even if it feels like ripping a limb off you will be able to move on and you will be happy.

The way I see it, in a toxic relationship you have no chance of lasting happiness but if you end that relationship you open up the door to happy singledom or a new, better relationship. Both options are better than staying and being miserable.

If you want to apply for the relationship/family crisis private support group pls do so.

[squidipa]

Squid - I honestly don't know my worth any more. I'm full of self doubt... I've been doing a particular activity for a relatively short period of time which has slowly increased my confidence... which is the only reason I'm even able to contemplate leaving DH... but I couldn't tell you what I'm worth. I don't feel like I'm worth that much. I "know" I'm worth more than this... but I can't really accept that. DD, however, she is worth everything. But I feel like she deserves more than I could give her as a single parent - and I'm not talking about material things.

This is tearing me apart, breaking my heart, and doing my head in. This is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.

I lost myself completely in my first marriage it was aweful, when i was around friends i was a different like living in two worlds but deep inside i was hurting like i needed to escape. I did tho talk with my ex then many a times and like you asked for counseling but he sorta kept saying its all my problem. I need the counseling not him. Strangely enough he was in shock when i left.

It took some time for myself worth to grow and it was tough. The kids missed him heaps even tho we shared the care. Seeing the kids hurt made it so difficult for me but now years on i see now that i did honestly make the right desition. the kids are happier than before. I am happier and im setting a better example for dd that women are equal and that we have choices.

[willow5]

Just checking in to see how you're going...no posts today hope that means you're getting some "me" time.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Also posting to make sure you're okay - not sure if I hope your DH comes home though, KWIM? I do hope he's safe though

[Torn]

Thank you for your concern girls.

He did come home... after DD and I spent 45 minutes driving around looking for him because she was so distraught without Daddy. We didn't find him but he got home in one piece - he rang to say he was home. I had left a note with directions to the house keys which I left for him. He had walked the 10Km home. He was very tired and sore when he got home So it was peaceful. The walk seems to have calmed him down. He has even been better today - although I haven't seen him much. I was on an early shift and he got home late. Situation normal here really.

I have a day off work tomorrow - I'd ordinarily keep DD home with me but am sending her to creche tomorrow. I do have to attend a couple of appointments (boring things like tax etc) but will make sure I get some me time in there...

I'm still not able to make a decision. Although, after DD yesterday, I wonder how I could take her from her Daddy. At least I've stopped crying - that's good right?

[willow5]

Glad he got homesafe and that you're ok.

I think DD was probably so distraught without her dad because of the way he left in the middle of a fight and getting out of the car and seeing you so upset.

If you were to make the discision to leave the separation wouldn't be so traumatic for her and she would know that she is going to see daddy again say in a few days, not just having no idea where he is and IF she'll see him again. Still wouldn't be easy but certainly wouldn't be traumatic like that.

Kids aren't silly either they can tell when mum and dad are happy and most of the time they respond to you being happier in a positive way.

Hang in there

[willow5]

It's been a couple of days now with no posts hope you're ok?

[Torn]

thank you willow.

I'm doing ok. I'm just very very tired. I have had a very full on week at work and have just been busy keeping my head above water.

DH and I had a chat this morning. He understands that our marriage is at breaking point. He even went as far as to tell me that the only reason he is still here is because of DD and because he feels I can't cope financially on my own. How noble (note sarcasim). I told him I'll be fine (even though I'm not convinced of that myself). Neither of us want the marriage to be over, but neither of us feel that we have the energy to fight. We are going to give it another chance. But this is the last chance I will be giving him.

What scared me during our conversation though, I raised the possibility of DD and I moving back to our home state and how we would organise visitation in those circumstances - he said he wouldn't have anything to do with her at all... very sad. I asked what he would want if we staid in Vic, he said he will probably have little to do with DD if we split. That makes me so sad for DD. And I feel like it was an attempt at holding me ransom. Especially since he had spent ages telling me that if we split we need to live in the same house for continuity for DD. WTF? He said it will be too disruptive for her... but I think it would be more disruptive if we seperated but staid together - do you know what I mean? sigh. Poor DD - I explained to DH that she will always need her Daddy and he should be a part of her life. For the record, I don't think he could keep away - he does love her immensely. But he also said that he would expect me to find someone else and that I wouldn't want him around if I did find someone. Again, I explained that he is DD's Daddy and will always be a part of her life. If I found someone else, we would work around it. It's not like he has to be a part of MY life - he just needs to be a good Daddy to DD.

Anyway, we have agreed to give it another go. But this is the last chance from me. I can't keep doing this. I can't give him endless chances. I hope this works. But if it doesn't, I'm ok with walking away. I've made peace with that.

Thank you for your support everyone. I will keep you all updated. I promise.

Torn

[Jahzara]

I am sorry that i dont have any advice but i wanted to tell you that i think you are very brave.
I am glad you have made peace with the possibilities.
I am sorry that your DH said those things about your DD - makes me feel so sad that he might not see her - hopefully that wont be the case.

Good luck with everything !



xxoo

[willow5]

Glad to see you're OK...well sort of ok, as good as you can be.
Sounds like he's very confused too contradicting himself in parts worried about disrupting DD then saying he'll have little to with her, well that's disruptive too.

It's good that's you've had that talk though it might open it up for further discussions.

I think it would be pretty confusing if you guys did split but stayed in the same house, and even more so if down the track either of you met someone else, then again you do hear of arrangements like that working for some people.

Only you know what's right for you.

And again you will come through this and you will feel bette for it in the end.

[~Kaz~]

I'm also glad you've made some peace with the possible outcomes from this situation and it's great you guys have spoken honestly about how you're each feeling about the relationship.

I guess as you give it another chance, it might become clearer what his intentions towards your DD are. He sounds like he was very contradictory - could be that he is genuinely confused/upset but he could also be attempting to hold you to ransom as you said. Whatever happens, his relationship with your DD is HIS responsibility - not yours.

I think you're very strong.

[willow5]

Ok I'm starting to feel like a stalker LOL but I'm not!! Just hoping you're OK