I need serious advice - not sure where to post this.

[Freya]

A bit of background info -


My husband is in the military. He was when I married him and I grew up as a military child so it is not the core issue behind my dilemma - Im usually pretty good with coping.
I have a 1 year old and am expecting baby #2 in January so will have a newborn and 15mth old. My pregnancies arent easy and this one is no exception. The medical care here is ok, but not up to my high standards which is a huge worry to me. I also have no family close by to help me out if and when I need it without them having to put their jobs/lives on hold for weeks so poor DH is my sole helper which is hard as he is currently training in a trade and it puts alot of stress on him and takes away alot of his time with us.

Ive been thinking lately about requesting that the military move me back to Sydney on a compassionate removal as thats where all my support is, and I think it would make me feel 100% better to know its there if/when I need it. Im *just* managing to cope right now but the further along I get in this pregnancy the more complications I get sooooo Im more worried about the future when I have a toddler to care for, a house to clean, errands to run and a husband to take the pressure off because he's trying to pass this course - all while trying to stay pregnant long enough to have bub come out healthy and happy

The downside to this idea is that DH wont be able to come with us until he moves to his new job location (which happens to be Sydney) in May 08. Not that far away when you factor in the 4wk christmas break and various public holidays. DH is adamant that he is not for this idea at all because it would mean being seperated from our kids (and me I guess) for weeks at a time. I can understand his concern but when we add up all the time he truly gets to spend with us it evens out to be the same whether we were here or not. My father has offered up his fly bys points to give DH opportunity to fly up for weekends without us going broke and the military will pay for travel on rostered time off (so christmas/NY break and easter, long weekends etc). I can always drive down to see him after bub is born and stay with friends so we can see him a bit more if need be.

It breaks my heart to consider doing this but it just keeps playing on my mind day in and day out. My head is telling me its the right thing to do and will make my life a heck of alot easier but my heart breaks at the thought of being seperated from DH for even a short amount of time and having him miss weeks of our kids lives. DH promised that he would help me out more with housework/kid duty etc but he hasnt been able to live up to that promise because of work/study committments and the fact that he is tired as well. Ive noticed he's starting to get stressed, angry and maybe a little overwhelmed and Im terrified it will affect his study which would ultimately set us back months and months. Id rather be seperated for the next 6 months and have him do his best and pass this course than have him fail the course and have to do it all over again all for to avoid a few months of seperation.

Im not sure what the point of this post is except to maybe get some unbiased outside advice on the situation.

Its driving me insane to the point where Im starting to get depressed about the whole thing and its affecting my whole life.

Thankyou in advance for your help.

ETA - financial reasons are also factoring in to this decision. Since being here we have gone downhill financially because of bill expenses being 3x more than what we are used to previously living in cities where rates are cheaper etc. Im at breaking point with that too, I just dont see us being financially ok again until we move back to Sydney. If we were seperated and living in Sydney it would help financially as the military would cover DHs living quarters and meal expenses, he would just need some 'play money' for the odd day/night out. I would be able to get back to square one with our finances because our utility bills/petrol bill would be halved and I could save hundreds of dollars a month.

[Janie]

Oh Anna, big hugs for you hun!

I think you know what you need to do, heartbreaking as it is......but I don't think you can do it unless your DH agrees. So I guess that will be your task, to set about trying to get him to see that in the long term it's the best solution. If he doesn't agree, I really don't think you can go. I can't imainge leaving my DH for any length of time, but if you're truly not seeing that much of him anyway, then I understand where you're coming from.

Must go to a crying baby, but I HTHs a little bit!

[westy]

Anna, i know only to well how hard it is to be seperate from your Dh for longish periods of time as i have been doing this since Christmas 2006. We are all back together now and we will NEVER go through that again, we only did it because we had no other options at the time.

My children are 2 & 5 and it had a huge impact on them not to mention myself. It's hard trust me, what got me through was knowing that it was only for x amount of time before we would be back to normal.

I think deep down you have made your mind up....you want to head back to Sydney and i can fully understand why. I also think you need to listen to the reasoning behind why you DH might not want you to go.

Whatever you decide i hope everything works out well for you in the end.

[MantaRay]

Anna, big hugs to you hun. I went through my pg with Tom with no family nearby and it was REALLY hard. So I know what you mean and why you are at breaking point. And let me tell you, it IS going to get worse for a while when the baby arrives. Living apart from your DH temporarily is a big thing, and I know you wouldn't even be thinking about it unless you were desperate. Clearly something needs to change for you, and this move sounds like it is going to be your best option. Obviously it's not ideal, but maybe the best of a bad bunch of choices. If it's what you feel you need to do, do it. It's so important you look after yourself now and get whatever help you can.

Obviously your DH is not going to like your decision, but if you explain it to him, tell him you are going to have a nervous or physical breakdown if you don't, then I am sure he will reluctantly accept it. While you are so stressed and exhausted, it's not going to do your relationship a lot of good to keep the pressure on when there is an option. And as I have said, the pressure will get worse for a while when the baby arrives. Two close together is REALLY hard work for the first few weeks - remember the new born crying all the time and the lack of sleep and sheer exhaustion? Try that with a toddler! You need a break hun, please be kind to yourself. Be really honest with your DH about your feelings and how you are (or aren't coping). I am sure he will be understanding. And it just might be the best thing for your relationship. I know ours was strained when Tom arrived and we are still getting back on track.

I wish you all the very best Anna. Please take care of yourself and do what you need to do. It will all work out!

[krysalyss]

Hi Anna,
I know how you feel. Last year I went overseas for my work. I was gone 6 months. My husband couldnt come because of his commitments and our dog. It was overwhelming at the beginning and the first month is a killer. After that, it all gets a lot easier. Sooner than you think the 6 months will be behind you and you will be looking at the future together.
Good luck!

[Jesswith6]

Anna
I myself was bought up in the military life and even though I was really too young to remember it all, I do remember the moving.
I live in Rutherglen not that far away from you and I suppose all I can offer you is my friendship and help if you need it. The decision is totally up to you and your husband but my opinion would be, to stay put until after you have this baby. Reading about your previous history, If you moved now there is a chance either way that the pre eclampsia could strike again, and then your Dh could possibly miss the birth....If you need to talk you have my numbers.