No more kids - struggling to come to terms with it

[sushee]

Thanks for your replies, girls, and no caro, I won't ever leave him, I promise . It's only when I get really angry that I start thinking that, but the saner side of me knows better.

I know it's not his fault even, if I think about it reasonably. He is still so much in awe of his son, even 11 months on, and I still catch him staring with wonder at Charlie sometimes. I don't have any doubts about him as a dad, or as my partner.

And TBH all the reasons he's set out makes sense, and coupled with my Dr's opinions, he has a very good point. I know that he doesn't enjoy work, and he's pretty allergic to debt, and our mortgage is getting bigger, not smaller. I know these things affect his own happiness as well. Still doesn't make me feel any better about it though.

Coz in the back of my mind,I know that I'm going to be 37 this year, and in IVF terms, my eggs are coming up to their use by date quickly. I feel like I can't wait on him to change his mind (not that I think he would) and in the meantime, this void in my tummy grows bigger all the time.

Jelvie, I think that longing you're feeling is probably the same thing as what I'm feeling, but in varying degrees. I too thought having Charlie would make me feel complete. I get so angry with myself for not being more grateful, even though I am sooo grateful to have him. I ask myself all the time why isn't he enough for me? That guilt is another thing that eats at me.

I have actually discussed with my clinic nurse about seeing a infertility counsellor to talk all these things through, but have not yet been prepared to take that step. I guess I need to get it out first, make sense of my garbled thoughts IYKWIM.

[anney]

Sushee,
I can relate a bit to what you have said, particularly about charlie having a brother or sister his own age. But alot I can't really relate as both DH and I want another child. I did have a thought though - Do I remember correctly that you have one embryo on ice? Perhaps you feel so strongly because you have that potential baby sitting there and you know what you went through to get that potential baby. Perhaps if you went back to do that one FET, you would feel better. Maybe you could talk DH into going back for the FET and then leaving it at that.
I have been saying recently to people that besides having a loved one die, wanting a baby and not being able to have one is the worst thing in the world so I think counselling would be a great idea to help you get through this. :hugs: