No more kids - struggling to come to terms with it

[Aranah]

I can really really relate. For some women, it's embedded in us to have many children, or keep having children. I can't imagine ever feeling like it's enough. My mother is like this, they had me and my brother and were going to stop there, but had another three 'accidents', in fact, their youngest is only 15 months older than my DS. My mum said to me that she could have never stopped at 2 and it was only after the last child and my mum well into her forties that my father had the snip.

I am the same as her. I was married previously and my X decided when I was pregnant with DD and he was only 22 years old, that that was enough and he wanted to have the snip. Against my wishes he had it done when she was 2 months old, he doctor shopped till he found one that would do it at his age and also without my undying consent. I had only just turned 21 at the time and went into mourning for 2 years over it. I felt I didnt' enjoy my DD grow up because I was mourning every step of her life journey, knowing it would be the last time I would experience that. When she was older, I found it very very difficult to be around pregnant ladies or around people with heaps of kids. I felt so wrong not being able to enjoy my DD because I was so sad. I felt like a piece of me had been unfairly taken away. It could have been worse, my X had bugged me to have my tubes tied instead of him having the vascectomy as he had a needle fear. I was very submissive and quite abused and even went with him to doctors over it, but they saw I was reluctant and said no. He nearly wore me right down. The marriage lasted quite a lot of years, me eventually seeing that his vascectomy was a blessing and that it would have been hell to have any more children with that man, he was a horrible abusive father, and would have wrecked more lives than it already did, and most importantly, would have kept me married to him for much longer than I was. In the end, I saw that his vascectomy was meant to be. It's funny how life turns out.

I am now having another baby with a wonderful man. Since DD came I was diagnosed with severe endo and PCOS, had had various unsuccessful endometriosis removals and had come to terms with that I wasn't meant to have more children, just because the reasons were ones that were out of my control. I also didn't want to be that close to another man again and risk any more children with someone that might turn out bad. But life had a different idea . Despite the odds stacked against a baby and an absense of periods for months, I somehow conceived without trying and was only on a 2 week break from the pill, and had DTD twice that whole month. It took a lot of getting used to as my children were now at school, I had discovered another type of independence, and I also didn't feel 100% committed to my relationship as I have trust issues. It's ended up being a great wonderful and healing thing to us, and really made me see what a wonderful man I am with.

Now I'm facing that because this is a combination of three children, DP wants just the one because of financial responsibilities mainly (he works and fully supports my children and me, and also is the main father figure, they see their father only briefly twice a year), also having a 4th means a different market of cars. We dont own a house, still building a business. I really want another child, two years difference just like i had with my children. We aren't talking about it really at all at the moment, this is his first baby and is all very daunting for him and I'm hoping he'll love the whole experience and change his mind lol. But most likely, I"ll be here in a year posting a topic like this also.

The mourning did go for me, but did take a long time. You are far from selfish and you are so normal, Like I said I think some of us just have it there to just keep having children. It's like an inbuilt thing, an instinct. I can never imagine feeling like 'this is it'.

Take care.