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Thread: No more kids - struggling to come to terms with it

  1. #1

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    Default No more kids - struggling to come to terms with it

    After posting in another thread, I thought I'd come out of the closet and admit that I am truly struggling with the idea that it's extremely likely that I won't be having any more kids.

    Can I firstly say that I am grateful for the children I have. That, is in fact, what makes it more difficult for me to admit that I will not have any more.

    DH is adamant that he will never go back for IVF. My Dr has also discouraged me from trying for another baby, as he believes that because it took us so long to conceive the last time, it's likely we have a bigger, yet-undiagnosed problem, and we should quit while we're ahead.

    But my heart cannot let go. I desperately want another child, a sibling to Charlie that will be around his age. I feel torn apart everyday knowing I will never experience pg again, or having a newborn. I get upset at how fast Charlie is growing up, and wonder how I'll cope when he goes to school. I get so angry with DH that we could probably afford to have another baby, but he wants the 'quality of life' and will not sacrifice this to have another baby.

    Because I cannot conceive naturally, I can't hope for a happy accident. I know that as long as my DH doesn't want another baby, I will never have one.

    In my darkest hours, I think about leaving this man, this wonderful man who I love deeply, and who, in all other respects, is perfect for me.

    I know for a fact that this is effecting our relationship, my happiness and my mental state.

    I would love to talk to anyone who, for reasons beyond their control, have had to accept that they will not be having any more children. I'm prepared to be candid if you are. I just really need to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.


  2. #2

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    Thanks for your replies, girls, and no caro, I won't ever leave him, I promise . It's only when I get really angry that I start thinking that, but the saner side of me knows better.

    I know it's not his fault even, if I think about it reasonably. He is still so much in awe of his son, even 11 months on, and I still catch him staring with wonder at Charlie sometimes. I don't have any doubts about him as a dad, or as my partner.

    And TBH all the reasons he's set out makes sense, and coupled with my Dr's opinions, he has a very good point. I know that he doesn't enjoy work, and he's pretty allergic to debt, and our mortgage is getting bigger, not smaller. I know these things affect his own happiness as well. Still doesn't make me feel any better about it though.

    Coz in the back of my mind,I know that I'm going to be 37 this year, and in IVF terms, my eggs are coming up to their use by date quickly. I feel like I can't wait on him to change his mind (not that I think he would) and in the meantime, this void in my tummy grows bigger all the time.

    Jelvie, I think that longing you're feeling is probably the same thing as what I'm feeling, but in varying degrees. I too thought having Charlie would make me feel complete. I get so angry with myself for not being more grateful, even though I am sooo grateful to have him. I ask myself all the time why isn't he enough for me? That guilt is another thing that eats at me.

    I have actually discussed with my clinic nurse about seeing a infertility counsellor to talk all these things through, but have not yet been prepared to take that step. I guess I need to get it out first, make sense of my garbled thoughts IYKWIM.
    Last edited by sushee; March 16th, 2007 at 07:09 PM.

  3. #3

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    Sushee,
    I can relate a bit to what you have said, particularly about charlie having a brother or sister his own age. But alot I can't really relate as both DH and I want another child. I did have a thought though - Do I remember correctly that you have one embryo on ice? Perhaps you feel so strongly because you have that potential baby sitting there and you know what you went through to get that potential baby. Perhaps if you went back to do that one FET, you would feel better. Maybe you could talk DH into going back for the FET and then leaving it at that.
    I have been saying recently to people that besides having a loved one die, wanting a baby and not being able to have one is the worst thing in the world so I think counselling would be a great idea to help you get through this. :hugs:

  4. #4

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    Sushee lots of hugs to you.
    I also think it is a great idea that you see a infertilty Counsellor.

    I know how hard it is to be told no more kids. I was told that all the way through my pregnancy with Eleanor and DH says the same that we are stopping at 3 but i would love another.

    I love being pregnant even with all the rubbish that i go through.
    Cuddling up with a newborn baby is just a lovely feeling. I know Eleanor is only 9wks old but i hate the thought that i won't be having anymore babies.

    My heart goes out to you and i pray that one day your DH will change his mind.

    You know i am always around if you need someone to talk too.

  5. #5

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    Sush sweetie, I can relate too. It is a terrible, heartbreaking feeling to want another baby so badly and to want a sibling for your child.

    I agree with the other girls, I think it would be great for you and your DH to perhaps go back to your clinic and have a talk to the counsellors there.

    It sounds like you're really struggling with it and it is beginning to affect your relationship.

    I really feel for you because it's just a feeling that you can't switch off or easily accept.

    Good luck sweetie, I hope you and your DH can work on a compromise that will make both of you happy

  6. #6

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    Thanks for all your replies girls. I am amazed when talking to other women that there are so many who feel the way I do. Maybe not always as strongly, perhaps, but it's definitely there.

    I have tried talking to DH again about it, but he's said that he's absolutely sure he doesn't want anymore. He knows that I'm struggling with this, and is trying to be sympathetic, but also wants me to know where he firmly stands on this. I feel like I'm banging my head agains the wall sometimes. I know I should accept it and try to move on, instead of trying to think I can change his mind, but I then I keep thinking that I should try everything I can, and not give up.

    Very silly of me, I know.

  7. #7

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    I don't think it's silly at all, I'd do the same thing. Like I said, this feeling can't be switched off - if it could I sure as hell wouldn't have put myself through the last 12 months! LOL.

    I know that I'll be in the same boat when it's time to consider number 3 (trying not to get ahead of myself here!) because I'm pretty sure my DH will only want 2, especially after what we'll have been through to have number 2.

    Your DH is obviously very sure of where he stands though.

    It's a hard one sweetie, let us know how you're going with it all.

  8. #8

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    Sushee, first of all huge hugs to you sweety.

    I was the same as Jelvie. I always thought that once I had my littel girl that I would feel fullfilled. But for some reason I still have a yearning in me for another baby. And I have 4 already !! DP just confuses me though, some days he says he is going in for the snip, but then occassionally and very rarely he says maybe in a few more years.

    Not sure if I want to wait the few more years though, if I am doing it I want to do it sooner rather than later. He on the other hand would rather wiat until we have less issues with my older children. I think he's hoping on the eldest moving out in those few years.

    I don't think it would come to me leaving him over this but I sure do wish he'd make up his mind either way. If he said yes to me now I'd be jumping at the chance.

  9. #9

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    I can really really relate. For some women, it's embedded in us to have many children, or keep having children. I can't imagine ever feeling like it's enough. My mother is like this, they had me and my brother and were going to stop there, but had another three 'accidents', in fact, their youngest is only 15 months older than my DS. My mum said to me that she could have never stopped at 2 and it was only after the last child and my mum well into her forties that my father had the snip.

    I am the same as her. I was married previously and my X decided when I was pregnant with DD and he was only 22 years old, that that was enough and he wanted to have the snip. Against my wishes he had it done when she was 2 months old, he doctor shopped till he found one that would do it at his age and also without my undying consent. I had only just turned 21 at the time and went into mourning for 2 years over it. I felt I didnt' enjoy my DD grow up because I was mourning every step of her life journey, knowing it would be the last time I would experience that. When she was older, I found it very very difficult to be around pregnant ladies or around people with heaps of kids. I felt so wrong not being able to enjoy my DD because I was so sad. I felt like a piece of me had been unfairly taken away. It could have been worse, my X had bugged me to have my tubes tied instead of him having the vascectomy as he had a needle fear. I was very submissive and quite abused and even went with him to doctors over it, but they saw I was reluctant and said no. He nearly wore me right down. The marriage lasted quite a lot of years, me eventually seeing that his vascectomy was a blessing and that it would have been hell to have any more children with that man, he was a horrible abusive father, and would have wrecked more lives than it already did, and most importantly, would have kept me married to him for much longer than I was. In the end, I saw that his vascectomy was meant to be. It's funny how life turns out.

    I am now having another baby with a wonderful man. Since DD came I was diagnosed with severe endo and PCOS, had had various unsuccessful endometriosis removals and had come to terms with that I wasn't meant to have more children, just because the reasons were ones that were out of my control. I also didn't want to be that close to another man again and risk any more children with someone that might turn out bad. But life had a different idea . Despite the odds stacked against a baby and an absense of periods for months, I somehow conceived without trying and was only on a 2 week break from the pill, and had DTD twice that whole month. It took a lot of getting used to as my children were now at school, I had discovered another type of independence, and I also didn't feel 100% committed to my relationship as I have trust issues. It's ended up being a great wonderful and healing thing to us, and really made me see what a wonderful man I am with.

    Now I'm facing that because this is a combination of three children, DP wants just the one because of financial responsibilities mainly (he works and fully supports my children and me, and also is the main father figure, they see their father only briefly twice a year), also having a 4th means a different market of cars. We dont own a house, still building a business. I really want another child, two years difference just like i had with my children. We aren't talking about it really at all at the moment, this is his first baby and is all very daunting for him and I'm hoping he'll love the whole experience and change his mind lol. But most likely, I"ll be here in a year posting a topic like this also.

    The mourning did go for me, but did take a long time. You are far from selfish and you are so normal, Like I said I think some of us just have it there to just keep having children. It's like an inbuilt thing, an instinct. I can never imagine feeling like 'this is it'.

    Take care.
    Last edited by Aranah; March 20th, 2007 at 03:14 PM.

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