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Thread: Parenting after m/c or loss

  1. #1

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    Default Parenting after m/c or loss

    Does anyone else find that having had a m/c or loss affects the way you think or do things when it comes to parenting?



    Every day I always feel so incredibly grateful to have Kynan and I think how amazingly luck I am and how easily things might have ended differently. But then I feel so guilty when I get frustrated when Kynan has had a bad day/week/month. Logically I know it's silly but I keep thinking that I should just be grateful to have him and that I have no right to complain when we went through so much to get him and there are people out there who are going through a whole lot more just to have a baby. It makes me feel that I should be more patient and not let it get to me when I'm up half a dozen times a night for a week for example. IYKWIM??

  2. #2

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    Angel I know exactly what you mean. Zeke almost died when he was born and every day I look at him at am so grateful he's alive and here. I do get impatient with him (he's 3 and gets up at around 4.30am every day) but the knowledge that we almost lost him gives me a reality check I think.

  3. #3

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    Angel,
    I have been thinking this for months. I feel that everytime I have a bad day I am not worthy of having a whinge about it. But there are days where I just look at her and think "I can't believe she is ours". But for months I have been anxious (unhealthy levels) I worry so much that something is going to happen to her therefore not allowing her to be a normal child. I suppose my parenting is in response to not being able to nurture my other girls to life and I am compensating....I think I need to talk to someone
    Bec
    I'm sorry Angel I now read back and think maybe you meant in a positive way

  4. #4

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    Angel,

    I know exactly what you mean. I have these thoughts too. Every now and then Joshua will have a particularly cranky day that just seems to go on and on wears me down to the point that I just want to tear my hair out. But like you, I feel like I am not entitled to get annoyed or get frustrated by it because we went through so much just to get him here. I mean, we lost Georgia and our second bub and then had to work really hard to get Joshua into the world safely - shouldn't I be so grateful to have him here that a bit of whingeing or lack of sleep doesn't matter?

    Logically I know the answer to that question is no - as grateful as we are to have our bubs here, we are just as entitled to feel annoyed by the crying/lack of sleep/whatever as the next person. Sometimes our feelings just aren't logical though!

    Anyway, you are not alone and I'm glad that you brought the topic up - it's nice to know that there are others who feel the same way.

  5. #5

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    I just wanted to add...Bec, I took Angel's post the same way that I'm guessing you did when you first read it. I hope this was right, Angel.

  6. #6

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    It's very natural & normal for us to get annoyed, upset, tired, exhausted & frustrated at our kids/babies not co-operating, or sleeping etc, etc....
    You cant turn off & on your emotions, so although we adore them to pieces & could smother them with love 1 minutre we could also wring their little necks the next (not really)...
    Wait til they are talking & walking & have hands, shoes faces full of chocolate cake that you've just baked for a birthday you were just getting ready for... Only to find it truly demolished but these beautiful big eye smile up at you & tell you "yummy cake mummy"...

    What can you do? Your angry, but you love your child unconditionally...

    I get hurt & angry at myself when I am exhausted & have meetings at work early the following meeting & Indah is crying for the 5th time & it's 2am!!! I go stomping down the hall to her room, she makes eye contact & smiles, I melt!!! I pick her up sing to hertell her I love her, settle her pop her back to bed & smile as i go back to bed myself... Heads barely hit the pillow & she is starting up again, this time I kick DH & say to him It's your turn coz I really am gonna throttle her!!! He has his turn....
    You cannot stop it no matter what you've been through to make the child, they will always do things to test us...

    So take a deep breath & just be stoked that they are here in our lives to run us ragged... Coz personally I'd not have it any other way!!!!!



    *sorry for rambling, I had a sleep deprived night!!!

  7. #7

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    Yep, I did mean the post in exactly that way. It's good to know there are others who feel the same way.

    I think that the 2 m/c still affects a lot of what I do and feel. It's a bit of a mixed bag of emotions sometimes, like being grateful vs. having whinge every now and then. Mother's Day coming up has made me think about it all a lot more too as it's a significant day for us (found out I was PG the day before Mother's Day in 2003, date of 2nd m/c in 2004...), so it's stirred up a few things!

  8. #8
    Melinda Guest

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    We've had a lot of very trying times with Jacob lately and I have really felt the need to vent or that I will totally lose my marbles, yet like you, I feel guilty that I find myself getting upset, angry, frustrated or impatient.

    Every day I say the same things "I can't believe he's really here" and tell him how much I love him. Having said that, I still get upset like every other parent as I mentioned.....it's hard as a it's a real conflict of emotions for me. I feel desperately need in tools to help me through the tough times, yet guilty that I should need them at all - as his Mummy, I should always know what the problem is and how to fix it, and I should never lose my patience with him because he's such a special little bean........

  9. #9

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    I've been thinking about this since I posted the other night Angel, and you know, I think we're all harder on ourselves than we need to be! I think it goes without saying how very, very grateful we are to have our children with us and how much we cherish them, but I think it is possible to get frustrated every now and then and still be grateful at the same time IYKWIM? For example, when my son cries, I am grateful that he is able to because I didn't get to experience it with my daughter...it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it though! (Especially at 3.30 in the morning!) I don't think that feeling frustration makes us ungrateful or shows dishonour to the journey that we have travelled to get here, it just makes us human! We're not saints, after all.

    That is what my head says anyway if I think rationally about it...but we all know that the head and the heart don't always feel the same way. Our feelings are what they are and it's not like we can just turn them off. I don't know what the answer is, or how to *not* feel like we don't have the right - like you said, our losses do affect what we do and feel - we do probably need to go a bit easier on ourselves though!

  10. #10

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    Bec,
    I also find it hard to say to other mothers that know my history, I sometimes just want alittle break but find it selfish to ask for it.
    I remember after losing my second silenting praying that if I was ever blessed with a child I would do everything in my power to care for it and never palm it off to people like many in my family do....but it would be nice for a break but then I have seperation anxiety..ooh there is another issue. Text book paranoid mother
    Bec

  11. #11

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    Bec, you definitely aren't selfish for wanting a little break every now and then. I think we all need a bit of time to ourselves sometimes. We would probably go mad if we didn't take a bit of time out - even just a few minutes in a day. I do know where you are coming from though, I remember making a lot of silent prayers and promises myself...

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