Raising a one and only child chat thread.

[smiles4u]

Rory & Rouge - I have started a thread for us only-child adults https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ss-adults.html

... thanks Nai for starting that great thread for yourselves i will most likely pop in and maybe get some ideas at some point
(and thanks Nai i know your intentions are kind one's from your generous heart, your just so lovely )

To anyone that might be curious my being on this thread is not all about how my DD is going to be as an only child and that would be hard for someone to understand that who doesn't have an only child ... this thread for me personally is somewhere i can talk to others who may feel some of the pain i do in not being able to have another child FOR MYSELF too and my DP, i still struggle with it every day to the point i can border in feeling depressed at times, the only way i can describe it to people with more than one child is like going through grieving, well that's how it feels for me. It would be so lovely to have one or more children myself and find the humour in that but that's no me.

I guess it would be a selfish relief to know i am not the only one that struggles with those emotions ... how awful of me to say i would feel better to know i am not the only feeling this way, but i will be honest in saying it would make me feel better not knowing someone is suffering BUT to know i am normal after all IYKWIM !!

*** Thanks to anyone that is listening ...
... i so deeply appreciate it but i do struggle taking advice from women who have not experienced this journey and have what i strive so hard and long for " another child + "

Big hugs from me to anyone here that might need one

[Nai]

smiles - you are just the best!

[smiles4u]

aww your the bestest lovely lady

[Nettie]

I'm 80% sure that my DS will be an only child. My DH will have the final say in whether or not we have any more children (as he is the stay-at-home-Dad) and he's not keen on any more.

So I hope you don't mind if I stay as I'm still processing this likelihood and could use the support in here that the decision is ok. I'm 36 and took a while to conceive Liam, so even if we wanted to, I probably couldn't

I promise to keep my posts on going forward with Liam as an only child and not about the possibility of more.

[anney]

Nettie, I think it is very appropriate for you to hang around to learn from our experience, some of the pros and cons of having an only the child. But don't write off age as a reason not to have a child as I was 40 when I had DD. You don't know until you try. ;-).
You are in a position that someone else is sort of making the decision for you so different to some of us but difficult nonetheless (is that one word or three??? LOL)
smiles, you are correct it is difficult coming to terms with only having one child when you and DP both want more and you both feel it is what DD needs. I felt like I was letting them both down more than I was letting myself down. And also, and I don't like to post this around forums where people are having problems TTC number 1, but a psychologist told me that it is actually more difficult emotionally not being able to TTC number 2 as you really have experienced in real life all the joys of having a child whereas for people TTC number 1, it is more theoretically. Yes they feel awful but they don't really know what they are missing out on. I don't like comparing people's pain as it is impossible but I just wanted to tell you that so that you don't think you are too abnormal. (sorry perhpas not the right word but it is getting late and I am trying to be quick to put dd to bed.)

[widdly]

Oh wow, I dont really know where to start....

Mods, do you think it possible that a new thread could be started in this section titled something like "should we have another baby". That way people can enter the thread and discuss pros and cons of small and large families. The can discuss regretting having an only child somewhere other than a place with parents who dont have the option of another child for whatever reason and would rather not discuss regrets about it, know hwat i mean?

I totally understand the need for a place to discuss and mull over whether to add to the family or not. I have had that inner turmoil for 4 years now, not fun and a thread such as the one suggested above would serve a greap purpose I believe.

starfish - totally agree that there needs to be a place where such descussions can take place As for your only issue, DS was exactly like that til he got to about 3.5 years old, now he happily entertains himself, though I think gettinga puppy has helped that greatly, he refers to her as his sister LOL.

danniellabella - I really hope you are not feeling badly about posting in here, I completely understand the need to discuss whther or not to have another child, which is why I have suggested the new thread

Janine - no apology needed hun, I hope the new thread is started so you can have a place to further discuss these issues

Anney - DH is an only and when I have asked him if he felt bad as an only he always says, he loved his only childhood as he didnt know any different.

Lorelle - you know I think you are the best xxx It is great that we can have a place other than pms to console each other about our only child families, and celebrate the great things about it too.

I have always dreaded the day that DS would be old enough to ask for a sibling. Well that day came a couple of months ago. For some reason he is head over heels in love with my 16 motnh old cousin, Mia. He has doted on her since she was just a couple of months old, snuggling her, feeding her, dressing her etc. Funnily he has little interest in his 2 12 month old cousins....ANyway last time we were staying with my aunt and uncle and my little cousins, DS was playing with Mia, all besottd with her and he turned to me and said "I wish I could get a baby sister Mum". My heart broke in two All I've ever wanted is a daughter. "Can we buy a sister Mum?" "No, you cant just buy sisters honey" "well, can we just take Mia home with us Mum? I love her" Bless him. So I did the whole, "eeew babies stink, they cry ALL the time, Mum has to cuddle them ALL day which means I would have no time to play with you and cuddle you, it would be awful. Its much more fun having one favourite boy" well he ran off and played and didnt mention it for a while, but every now and again out of nowhere he will ask for a little sister and I just remind him of the downsides to babies. But it is hard to hear.

Nettie - welcome aboard Look forward to getting to know you

[anney]

Oh Widdly, He is starting to ask young. I don't think DD asked for a brother or sister until she was nearly 6. It is very sad when they ask as you just want to give them everything. But it was lucky she was that age as I could explain to her why we couldnot have another child. She remembers our Fertility Specialist as I used to drag her to all our appointments and DD would get under the desk and inspect our (female) FS's gorgeous shoes!

I am glad your DH didn't know any different and was happy. I am fairly sure DD will feel the same.

[~Star-bright~]

I don't have much time to post at the moment but wanted to briefly pop in and say hi. I also remember saying I would like a thread like this.
I have felt for a while that there are no threads that allow you discuss 'only' child issues (and I have a tonne). Which is more an issue of mine than for my child at the moment.
Although I haven't given up hope of a #2, I still feel like this is the place for me. Without intervention I cannot have anymore children and so after 3 years of trying I need to begin to deal with 'only' child issues. I keep waiting for the day to come when DS asks 'Why don't I have any brothers and sisters?'

Well that's me for now but I would love to come back and chat more soon.

SB

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know how often i'll post but just wanted to pop my head in here because, unless a miracle happens, we have decided that DD is going to be an only child. yes, we would love for her to have a sibling - but the reality is that we simply can't go through a similar journey to what we went through to get her - physically, emotionally and (sad to admit it) financially, we just can't do it. my head is trying to reconcile what i know, while my heart is in serious denial. any other addition to our family would most definitely be unplanned and unexpected. i think the toughest thing for me at the moment is trying to get DH on the same page - he is fixating on the idea of a natural miracle happening (and soon). i want him to stop thinking of any family dynamic other than what we have now. i feel guilty enough about the journey we've had to go through to get our beautiful girl - i can't deal with feeling guilty everytime he gets his hopes up cos i haven't had a visit from AF in ages (one day he WILL learn a bit more about AF)

[widdly]

LOL at your DD admiring the FS shoes

Yeah, I was hoping he wouldnt start asking til he started school, never mind.

I thought I would post about why I have an only child, how I came to this 'decision'.

When DH and I got married and started TTC we wanted 5 kids. TTC took a while due to my fertility issues, due to the stress of TTC we then thought 3 kids would be enough. At the end of pregnancy (overdue) i thought doing it just one more time would be enough for me. A few hours after I pushed DS out into the world I was gushing to my sisters at how beautiful birth was and I couldnt wait to do it again. THen DS at 3 weeks had to have surgery. THis of course was so stressful, DH went ot water so I had to be the strong one. Whilst DS was in surgery DH nad I looked at each other, more stressed than i ever thought possible, and said at the same time to each other "we are not doing this to ourselves again, no more babies".

After his surgery D suffered severe reflus til her was 2 years old. It was a long wakeful 2 years, full of vomits every 5 mins and mountains of washing each day. Due to DS difficulties, DH started spending increasing amounts of time with his mates, leaving me home with DS on my own. Due to this I became depressed and anxious. I blame DH for cheating me out of my wondeful motherhood experience whilst my DS was a toddler. I left DH when DS was 2.5 years old. DH and I have been on again off again ever since, for the time being we are off and both getting counselling which is really helping.

Children have always been at the centre of my life and always will be. I am starting my Diploma of Childrens Services next year and will work with children for the rest of my life in some way or another. I pains me that I only have one child. I am the cluckiest person on the planet and I regularly struggle with the idea of never getting to experience the miraculousness that is birth, or the perfect moment when my toddler says "I love you".

For me, it seems the responsible thing to have an only, as I can only see another baby bringing DH and I a lot of stress. Plus there is long term ttc which just makes me want to lock myself in a padded cell when I think about it. So many people tell me "oh the next baby wont be as hard", no one could ever guarrantee that. Or they say "well they are only hard for 2 years, and 2 years goes really quickly" it isnt quick when you are right there in the thick of it, and my idea of having a baby is not to just pump one out and put up with it for a couple of years before it gets easier, my idea of having a baby is to enjoy every second of every year of that baby's life. Or they say "it may take years of TTC but it will be worth it in the end" it wont be worth it if i end up depressed and so anxiety ridden that i cant leave the house.

People look at me and say you chose to have an only child, so deal with it". Well yeah, I did choose to have an only child but only cause I want whats best for DS, and that is a mentally healthy mother. Or they say "you havent even tried TTC, you might get preggers quicker this time" I have tried TTC several times over the last few years and i always panic so much about it in the first 2 months that I cant go through with it.

So you see, there are many things involved in 'deciding' to have an only child, and just cause a family 'decides' to have an only child does not mean that they dont enjoy parenting or didnt like pregnancy/babies/toddlers.

Love love love to all of you only families xxx