Raising a one and only child chat thread.

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with you Dusty - had we not been down the long term TTC path (or the losses we've suffered) i probably wouldn't be comfortable contemplating an only child. but as it is, i am content with one. she is a miracle girl - she came about when we thought it would never happen - i am ok with her being an only child. and really, who else needs to comment on it?? why would you be worried about your only child getting all the attention - doesn't that happen to ALL first children? i think as long as you make sure your child is socialised with children and adults from all age groups and walks of life, you'll be able to raise a well adjusted child!

DD is growing into a happy, well adjusted little girl - she is such a pleasure to be around - she talks to people, she socialises, loves her cousins. she is a little wary of "strangers" - but really, i WANT her to be cautious without being scared. i don't think NOT having a sibling will be detrimental to her.

it's funny - i honestly thought i'd be clucky again by now - she's almost one, she's walking, talking, getting into everything. i miss her "baby" days, but i'm not craving another child. i believe i am content. looking forward to her party this weekend though - could of little bubbas coming - i get snuggles without the responsibility!

[smiles4u]

i agree with you Dusty - had we not been down the long term TTC path (or the losses we've suffered) i probably wouldn't be comfortable contemplating an only child. but as it is, i am content with one.

.... it's so interesting BG that you made that comment as that's exactly how i truly thought i would feel also having TTC for years and losses before DD arriving in our world & lives but since she is getting closer to starting 4year old Kinder (next year) as will be 3days per week then school the year after i have since about a year ago really struggled with accepting ... it's not the having another child anymore that bothers me so much but more the fact that i am getting further away from her being a baby, then toddler, little girl and now what i call her little big girl (IYKWIM) ... i would say the past year it has felt like i am acutally going through grieving, it sounds odd to describe it that way but it's the best way i can describe it as it does actualy feel just like that grieving. Like a ball of heavy sadness sitting right in the middle of my chest ... if that feeling would go away i can tell you i would be so glad for it to be gone as i have only about a month ago admitted to DP have bad the ' feeling ' has gotten and he seems to think it's depression (as he doesn't really have any idea of depression) ... i said to him it can feel border line of depression but i feel most of the time it's managable but ' just ' ... Infact i mentioned to my GP last visit i haven't felt right for sometime and that i thought it was going through a bulk of grieving as i've lost a few close people to me during the past two years and then unexpected health issues one after the other since Xmas ... GP said anyone else probably just with that to deal with would feel down but i didn't have time to mention to her about the struggles with i guess i don't know what to call it, maybe TTC days over and the acceptance of it all. Anyway GP looked concerned and asked i come back to see her which i have an appt next week with her for a routine checkup and she said we will talk about ' things ' then. Good thing is she is i don't think much older than i and as far as i know she has one child (a girl) so be interesting to see/hear what she says.

If your interested i will let you know what her comments are !!

Weirdly enough i have found when the cold bitter weather hits here in Ballarat my mood does feel a bit down anyway ... no one seems to pick up on it but DP as with him i can't hide it.

I don't know whether i have mentioned to all you gals that my older sister had my nephew at 38 (she had 3 losses before him and 2 after him, she TTC until about 43) .. sadly i can't talk to her as she has the approach of you just gotta toughen up with emotions and if you appear to look emotionally soft in any way she look at you in disgust, yes well i learned that years ago from her and nothing has changed she just older now (53) ... well that explains why she's so moody and speaks like crap to people that aint a school teacher like her (me rolling eyes here) cause she won't allow herself to open up and talk, cause to her it's a weakness (so sad, as i worry about my nephew with my sisters mind set). He is nearly 15 and he is just the most gorgeous teenager ever so my sis has done some good with him, LOL !! ... But i will have to tell you all another time some stories she has actually told me in regards to being a Mother of an only child.

Luckily for me my sis does have a great humour ... so i will share with you all later some funny stories she has told me over the years, you will seriously crack up laughing cause i was in tears when she told me (reckon we mighty need some laughs here on this thread once in awhile )

Oh BG can't believe Miss E is already turn the big 1 WOW that's gone quick for me too ... still remember this time last year when she was born ...
... BG you must tell us all about her birthday party later on

[Nettie]

If your interested i will let you know what her comments are !!

Yes please!

[widdly]

Dusty, people dont know where to look when they ask when DS is getting a sibling and I reply with "we got him a sister for xmas" referring to the puppy

BG, snuggles without the responsibility are the best! Its wonderful that you feel so content with your one beautiful perfect DD

Lorelle, It is great that you have an app with your GP to talk things ove rnad even better that you can relate to her, it is beyond wonderful to be able to relate to another 'only' parent. I definately want to hear what your GP has to say. AND I also want you to share some sister stories about her journey with one child. So get your butt back in here girl and give us the low down!!

I am sitting here going through box after box of tissues, I have just come down with a cold/flu thingy, not nice, Arch was quite sooky tonight so it wont surprise me f he wakes up with it in the morning. Gonna be a long week in this house I reckon. One time when I am absolutely happy I only have 1 child is when we are sick!!!

Neighbours came over for a visit last week with their tiny 3 week old son, DS was besotted. I was telling him about all the bad bits about having a baby in the house were, and he just looked up at me and said "but look at his tiny little cute fingers and toes, and his little ears", couldn't argue with that! LOL

[Nicole S]

Great thread!!

I am an only child and DS may be the same..sometimes it worries me when we are gone or if something did happen to him (shudder the thought) but I guess we all have these feelings.

Having done IVF DH does not want to go on this path again, and if it was up to me I would give it another shot only for DS and not really for my own mothering needs.

No women should be left childless and I feel so blessed that we have us one little treasure and some couples are still fighting to have what we have.
I would gladly give up my place in the line (if there was one) so that another childless couple can be a family.
Nothing wrong with a family of 3 or as I say to DH ‘we are the 3 Musketeers’!!

[briggsy's girl]

Smiles - i didn't see your response re depression/sadness earlier - so sorry hun! i can see where you're coming from - you've had a lot of sadness lately, and i'm sure having to accept the end of your TTC journey would be extremely hard at any time, but moreso under those circumstances

doh, cant keep typing - E awake and unhappy

[smiles4u]

... well sorry gals no update from the GP today as i promised you all cause DD recently got sick so i needed for her to see the GP with my appt today instead of me ... sadly there is a massive Doctor shortage in Ballarat and it can take anything from 2-4weeks to get into my GP ... and after my forking out $64 up front for me to see a GP only last Friday cause i was ill with virus (managed to get into another Doc at the clinic i go to but didn't really like her) so i wont be able to afford to see my own GP again for awhile BUT will let you know when i do (feel like i've lost the nerve to go now too IYKWIM) ... anyhow see how i go

Hi Nicole ... i know just what you mean, i myself have said if i was in a room with another woman who hasn't had the baby she so wants i too would gladly give her my chance if i ever could have had another. I have also been known to say to friends pregnant with their second child to not feel bad around me cause if anything same thing if they were in a room with me and i can't have another child well they better as hell have a second child if i can't, i often get a good laugh from then with that cause i get fired up, LOL

BG ... ah no worries all's good, i just have my up & down days then i have my days where there are up & down minutes, after saying all that i think i just confused myself, ROFL (ah it's a good thing i'm still lucky enough to laugh ) !!

[widdly]

nicole,. welcome! Sometimes we forget to remind ourselves of how blessed we are to have our one helathy gorgeous child when so many other couples cant even have that. Go the 3 musketeers!

Lorelle we have a huge shortage of GPs in our toen too, makes me so mad! It takes 6 weeks to wait for an appointment here, ridiculous!

I have been loving my only. Today my bestie and I went shopping for the arvo without our boys (she has an only DS 6 months younger than mine). When we were walking through the carpark there were 2 women each with a pram loaded up with kids and shopping, they were trying to converse over screaming kids, my friend and I looked at each other and laughed at how grateful we are to not have to go back to prams and babies again, we were lucky to be shopping while our big boys were in kindy.

[Nicole S]

Thanks for the warm welcome ladies
I posted this in my blog the other day but also thought I would like to hear from you ladies here if any of you have been in this same position.

The other day SIL announced that she is PG with baby #3.
It just brings back soo many feelings from the past as each time she announced that she was PG we were TTC.
Although we are not 'really' TTC atm and we have our beautiful little man am having those left behind feelings again????
I guess due to the fact that DH does not want to do IVF again and if we do fall PG it has to be naturally....I am happy as a family of three and in myself personally I don't know if I have the patience to mother another baby with everything that we have dealt with Aaron's head and the chances of another child having this un confirmed Hydro???? AHhh I don't even think I am making any sense??????

I feel so guilty having all these thoughts of wanting (maybe) another baby but then I come here and so many of my BB friends are still trying for #1 and what I would have done in their shoes just to have one bundle not even worrying about a second.

So many mixed feelings?!?!?!?
Ahhhh anyway thank you for letting me rant away, Hope you all have a great Sunday!!
BIG hugs to all the kids out there

[MummaSue]

I've just found this thread - can I join?

95% certain that missy will be an only child. Tried for 6 years before she came along. IVF was the only way. She's our little miracle bundle!

Anyway, am struggling at the moment with people (including my own mother!) asking me when we're having another and looking at me like I have two heads when I say I'm not sure we will.

Great to have found you girls here!
Sue x

[smiles4u]

Hey lovely ladies just wanted you all to know i'm lerking around, lol ...

so sorry i haven't popped in for sometime as i still battle each and every day with this topic and it has gotten worse for me, this might sound incredibly selfish to say but an aquaintance of mine whom i have known since both our DD's were only a few months old put my through an emotional roller coster with her entire pregnancy with twins, she whinged to me the entire pregnancy about everyting from being pregnant, to how she was going to afford things even though she & her DH were the ones to choice to put two eggs in for their IVF cycle ... for example on my DD's 4th birthday (each birthday party gets harder for me as it means another year older for me and another year further away from her being the only baby of mine i have known), yes this woman stood in my kitchen whinging to me because it looks like she is going to have to breastfeed the twins cause she can't afford to got through that much powdered formula being that she is havig two babies.

If any of you are interested i put a thread on a little while back asking if anyone has experienced what i have with this woman (will give you an idea why it's done my head in) ... i mentioned on the thread i clearly don't want to know this woman anymore as she hasn't asked me a single thing about myself nor my DD in a good year, every conversation has been about her and her pregnancy and the twins now born 2mths ago it's all about her and the babies ... I'm over it as it's cause me some anxiety having to go through what i have with her and clearly she doesn't give a hoot what i have been through as she has never once asked me how i am or she was never there for me when we were TTC#2 for all that time unlike how i have been there for her.

I can't believe how i still get asked if my DD has any siblings when i'm turning 45 in a few months .... and as usuallly they then go straight into she should have a sibling, like i'm some nasty Mother that hasn't bothered to try. Well hello what if i only want one, why don't people accept that could be possible.

My telling people how old i am doesn't work cause everyone apparently knows someone's great-grandmother who had her 7th child at 45 naturally ... it's sweet that people are giving encouraging words but they don't seem to understand i never mentioned to them that i am TTC they just assume you are TTC cause that 2nd baby hasn't arrived yet, like at what age do people think is a good age to no longer TTC when i'm 90 ... i wonder if i just mention next time i don't have my period anymore (which of course is not true), i know that won't work cause far too many people think there is an easy solution to everything so it would probably be surrogancy or adoption.

I find at my age everyone thinks that IVF is the answer cause they see all these American celebrities having babies at my age and can't work out why can't i.

Thanks ladies for letting me get my big whinge out, think i feel somewhat better now, lol

[MummaSue]

It's hard sometimes but we just have to let friendships go. Friendships are about giving and receiving. And you're not receiving anything but heartache at the moment.

We lost our very best friends through our TTC journey. It's sad but it happened. We were probably over sensitive to them falling pregnant "by looking at each other" and they were hugely INsensitive to what we were going through. I do believe though, that people act much more unconsciously than we think they do.

Can you talk to this woman about how you're feeling?
Sue xx

[briggsy's girl]

Smiles - i read your thread but wasn't sure how to shape a reply - and i'm pretty sure E interupted before i could get an answer down

my situation - i have actively cut a LOT of people from my life over the past 5 or 6 years - i looked at what they were bringing to our "relationship" and if it was only negativity (either through their own actions or how their actions impacted me) i cut them out. yes, it means i don't have a lot of IRL friends locally anymore, BUT, i'm happier than i was when they WERE in my life. i have decided to cut as many toxic relationships from my life as i can (can't completely cut my dad out but i'm working on minimising contact!) - it hurts at the time when you wonder how you will survive without that contact, but the reality is that you DO survive, and more often than not, you will thrive without that negativity. the woman you've mentioned - yes, she did it tough going through IVF - but that doesn't give her the right to be a selfish cow. it SHOULD make it easier for her to be compassionate to those around her that are struggling emotionally. making the choice to cut her out of your life isn't a bad idea. you deserve better than to be stressed and anxious about a "friendship"

AFU - a few weeks ago i spent a day in hospital - firstly with a suspected ectopic pregnancy and then, when that was shown to not be the case, suspected appendicitis. the EP thoughts messed with my head big time. i went through a couple of hours of really being stressed. if i AM going to get pg, why would nature do this to me - yada yada yada - it was a bad day! when i found out i definitely wasn't, i came away with the "what if" thoughts. it messed with my head for a few days for sure. but ultimately, i'm still ok with DD being an only child. that bit surprises me. during those few days i grieved what wasn't, and really thought i'd struggle to find contentment again, but once i felt ok physically, the emotional stuff went away. i DO miss DD's baby days, and i long for baby cuddles, but i don't think it's a longing for cuddles with MY baby - just snuggles, and to feel a little person in my arms - and then give them back. i may feel different as she grows older, but for now, i'm ok with it all

[smiles4u]

thanks heaps Sue but yeh i can't even bring myself to ring her, this might sound crazy but i actually feel physically sick at the thought of picking up the phone let alone talk to her, i get severe nausea and bad shakes just thinking of it, to be honest i feel what she has done is selfish and hurtful in not showing any interest in me or my life for a good year let alone asking anything about my own child. My and my DP only conclusion is she must be only ringing me because i ask her questions and appear to show interest i am feeding her ego and self esteem (both DP & both agree we think she has some huge insecurites and low self esteem). I feel i owe her absolutely nothing, and if anything i am putting myself at risk in it turning into an ugly conversation and i owe it to myself to not feel any worse then i already do right now.

The hard part is even thought this is a large town you run into people here easily. I have no idea what i am going to do if i run into her or her DH (he is lovely and clearly has no idea of the bad seeded side of his DW) ... i feel like a coward and so out of character for me to the point i can't stand going about town in the deep fear of running into her. DP & i discussed her and her DH would most likely think we are the aweful ones in cutting off contact and would probably be blaming it on us not coping with them having babies and not us, which is far from it ... i was actually looking forward to them but sure as don't now, i have no emotions towards them due to their selfish Mother the way she has behaved towards me.

My other concern is they have their trestel table and about 6 garden chairs stored in my garage and ou car isn't big enough to transport them back to them and i don't want to ring them to get them in fear of having to see them in my home, OMG that would be the worst.

DP doesn't want anything to do with her either, it's upset him too but not on the level like me cause he hasn't been on the recieving end of conversations like me. He seems to think it's an easy solution but i explained it's easy for him cause he works in Melb and doesn't have to run into them like i can.

BG OMG so sorry you went through that, feel terrible for you. I so understand how your emotions can be good one day, ok the next and it all feel like crap the next day after !! I get the feeling it must be a way our emotions have to sort through it all for us to come out the other end, to me it's like sifting out the crap. On that note BG i have been doing what you mentioned about toxic relationships ... i do feel so much better not having to know this woman but it's the fear of running into her that i'm dealing with terribly to the point it's making me feel sick and i don't look forward to going out, to understand me even though i'm known to be out spoken i actually can't handle confrontation, it does my head in and i won't allow myself to waste my energy on having a verbal fight with someone ... i think that's why i rather walk away from this woman and not explain why i don't want to know her. Just like you BG i ended a close relationship, a friendship spanning 30years it was hard but i had to end it as it was just that toxic and was doing me no good in my life, i simply stopped contacting her which was easier to do as she lives in Melb so therefore i don't run into her and i don't travel to her area. For this i have felt so much better its made a world of difference so i know by letting this other relationship go it will feel the same ... like a burden lifted YKWIM !!

[briggsy's girl]

given you are "storing" stuff for them, you can't completely cut them out - well, not until you resolve that. is it perhaps time to put on a brave face, message them asking when they are going to collect the items as you need the room (or, if you feel you can, maybe even say you don't feel that your relationship is the same as at the time you initially stored it and you feel uncomfortable having it there/being used or whatever) - it's not going to be easy no matter how you broach it. but the fact that you are feeling anxious at the thought means you probably need to deal with it sooner rather than later. the longer you put this off, the worse you are going to feel in the lead up, and the worse (emotionally, for you) the actual confrontation/meeting will be. it took a lot for me to "suck it up" and confront some of the people in my life that were hurting me, and it took a lot of support from others for me to get brave like that, but the relief of having it over with has helped heaps!

[smiles4u]

thanks heaps BG yep i know just what you mean but i seriously can't bring myself to ring i no kidding feel so sick to the point i feel i'm gonna crack and it might sound like an excuse which some part it probably is but i feel i can't put myself through it for ' her ' benefit (hope that makes sense), well at least not any time soon ... so DP reckons at some point although i don't think soon as he gets home so late but he said he will ring them to tell them to get their stuff out of our garage (when he is here and i will make myself disappear) cause we are looking to sell the house which we most likely will be doing as we have decided we wanna move out of Ballarat.

DP said he doesn't even care to give the stuff back as they are pretty old for wear, DP doesn't seemed fussed either way.

[danniellabella]

May I please come back into this group?
When I last posted just after this was started I was talking about "will we or wont we TTC#2, and when"

Since then, we have come to a 99.9% decision that DD will be an only child. We are leaving a small window of opportunity to change our minds in the next few years, but it's a conversation that has very much been closed right now.

We're starting to have a few issues come up as a result of this decision, mainly from my parents (dad in particular) who just don't understand why we don't want another child and want an assurance that we will one day have another one, even if it means there's a big gap. I have told them we can't give them that assurance because in the end it is our decision only and their opinion is to be kept to themselves on the matter.

Also, the other day in the shops DD was visiting Father Christmas. She got shy and decided to sit there, next to him for 15 minutes with her tongue hanging out. "Santa's helper" made the comment that she must have a big brother at home who has taught her that. When I said "no, she's an only child" the woman's comment was "oh, poor thing".

Now that DD is almost 3 years old, I'm sure over the coming years this sort of thing will probably happen more and more.

Of course it's none of anyone's business if she's an only child, or if we'll have other children - especially nothing to do with a stranger!

There are other factors: My career is taking off, I had a traumatic birth experience, DH is prone to depression, I earn more than DH (always have, probably always will) so taking time off to have a baby would be a massive financial disaster! and neither of us (especially me) have that overwhelming desire to have a baby.

I like looking at other people's babies, and holding them. But rather than that pang I used to get before I became a mother, my feeling toward a new baby is now one of sheer dread when I think of how I felt during that first year of DD's life, and I still have distinct memories of the traumatic birth, and can even sense the pain I was in.

The longer we go with having one child, the more we both realise we only want one child, rather than starting to thing another one would be nice.

As I mentioned at the start, we've made a 99.9% decision on this, so because there is still a very remote chance we may change our minds in a few years time, we've decided not to take any permanent measures to avoid pregnancy yet but I am about to go on implanon for another 3 years (my current implanon runs out in April). Once that 3 years is over, if we still feel the way we feel right now then we probably will take a permanent measure (eg: I'll get my tubes tied probably).

[Nettie]

Welcome back!

I can totally get where you're at - we get the 'poor thing' type comments too which tick me off no end. Most single kids I've met don't feel wronged by not having siblings!

Well done you two for standing up for what you feel!