Oh thankyou girls! Y'know it has been such a release to just express my frustration and know that I've been heard! As I type (single fingered while BFing) I am trying to combine work and play... it sounds terrible to say that BF is work though... it's not really. Cai, you said it perfectly: I just need a chance to re-connect with myself... just a regular half hour where I know I can sit and think. Even as a child I would put myself in regular 'time out' just so I could process things.... I remember clearly needing time after school to draw. School was stressful for me and all I wanted was time alone to digest it. But mother would demand I go outside and get some fresh air... so I would end up playing with the neighbourhood kids... then I'd try again after dinner... and I'd often get that time before bed... afterwhich I'd go straight to sleep (my 4yo is the same, demands to go to bed! we both need a lot of sleep). But my mother always viewed that need to be alone with suspicion, like it wasn't natural... when I read Aldous Huxley's Brave New World I could relate to the part where chararcters would express confusion at the idea of actually wanting to be alone (in BNW to be alone was illegal) my mother seemed confused as to why I would want to be alone in my room.

Anyhow... ATM my 4yo is at Kinder and my toddler is asleep and I've found a moments peace! Found a summary of Brave New World... going to post it in the Literary forum if anyone is interested. Hoobley I agree with the reading... it is a "must".... I read to my 4yo quite a lot but not enough to my toddler who won't often sit still... I also need a good amount of time each day to read for myself... it I don't get this time i get quite depressed by the lack of mental stimulation. Thank the powers-that-be for BellyBelly!