10 things breastfeeding advocates should stop saying

[delphmoon]

My intention is never, ever to imply the mother herself gave up too easily or to imply that EVERY mother can BF but I do feel that there is such bad support out there that many mothers could have BFed even though they say they couldn't.

I agree with you Meow

I've had many of my friends who also struggled 9and ended up fulltime FF) have come back later and asked me what I did and what worked. I'm always conscious of saying that these solutions worked for MY situation and they would need to find what works for them but I try to let everyone know that I think they could successfully BF.

I get the impression on this forum though that this approach isn't liked and telling a FF mum she could have BF is wrong... and this thread says so too. So, is this just a personal thing and I've been lucky that my RL friends have been more open to the discussion or do you think I'm really just annoying everyone and I didn't realise?

Some people (Im not suggesting you ) have the impression that FF mum want advice on how to BF and that sometimes this advice is offered so quick without consideration to the FF Mum.
For instance if a woman told me she had a C section it would be rude and presumptious to say "Did to try doing this or that..it worked for me...did you push this way or breathe that way..." YKWIM.

In my experience, the mums that are forced into formula feeding (as opposed to the ones who choose to FF) have usually had a history with the lactation consultant, the maternal nurse and the GP.

[~clover~]

I don't get how the OP could be debateable. Kelly thats the silliest thing I think I've heard you say. Maybe you should read it again.

With DD1 it honestly did not cross my mind that breastfeeding would be difficult. Everything I read told me it was natural & that everyone can do it. So when she was born & struggled through intense pain for 6 weeks I was really upset when I made the decision to formula feed her. After 6 weeks of my MCHN telling me everything looked fine & leaving it at that, I thought I had no choice.

When DD2 came along things were ok. But when she was 4 weeks old I got thrush & gave up thinking that was the end of it. I alsso felt that after not feeding DD1 for long, that it would be unfair to give what she missed out on to DD2.

When pregnant with DS I found out about lactation consultants & read up on BF problems through BB & was informed. I felt I could succeed if I really tried & I did. I fed him for 2 years. It took 6 weeks of the same intolerable pain I had with DD1, but I got through.

I never considered anything else for DD3. It took 10 whole weeks of struggling for us to get past the problems. She was the first one I didn't have a tin of FF in the cupboard for. Lucky I didn't too, coz 10 weeks of struggling was really hard!

To me, personally, FF would've been easier. To just put a bottle in my babies mouth, rather that have to curl my toes with tears in my eyes, at every feed would've been easier, but I knew in the long run I'd get there & BF would be easier.

Most mothers have enough guilt without people adding to it, weather they mean to or not.

[diva det]

We try to make sure people post fairly and along the same lines. I don't see these things here much anymore, but then I can't read everything and we have so many posts it is hard to keep up. I do believe though people here genuinely want to help.

Even if they don't, then we can gently respond, without launching into attack and anger, to help them understand others and where they are coming from. This thread is obviously going to help explain the other side to them. That way there will be kindness and understanding without bitterness and anger, and any divide occurring.

Anyways, all sorted.

exactly
i would never have even looked at this thread as I dont use formula, and i was obilivious to the fact that people have a go at mothers who FF rather than b/feed!!! Its no ones business except theirs and although i do have opinions, I ensure that my opinions reflect my choices, no body elses!!!

glad this topic has stayed nice!!!! LOL

[BOC]

I was in tears when I saw this post this morning. I have heard every single one of these... And more.

I was called lazy. I was told I was letting my son down. I was told my son was never going to thrive and it was all my fault. I was told I must have wanted it enough cause if I did it would happen.

I even had one very nasty SCN midwife who decided to "punish" me by not letting me touch or pick up my son and who took him away from me into another room to feed him. This happened 2 nights in a row. Luckily my sobbing alerted another midwife who helped me make a formal complaint to the hospital.

I have also had people follow up "so when are you having #2?" with "so are you going to try harder to feed the next one?"

There is such a stigma out there, and having it rammed down your throat when you're already fragile & guilt-ridden doesn't help.

And as for the list of what BF advocates SHOULD say, it's simple. One & only point. Unless you have that person's full story/history and unless they ask your advice, SAY NOTHING!


Thanks again Tinks for posting! *mwah*

[delphmoon]

And as for the list of what BF advocates SHOULD say, it's simple. One & only point. Unless you have that person's full story/history and unless they ask your advice, SAY NOTHING!

Well said

[Jahzara]

I LOVE this article !

Thanks for sharing Tinks

[onthefly]

I was in tears when I saw this post this morning. I have heard every single one of these... And more.

I was called lazy. I was told I was letting my son down. I was told my son was never going to thrive and it was all my fault. I was told I must have wanted it enough cause if I did it would happen.

I even had one very nasty SCN midwife who decided to "punish" me by not letting me touch or pick up my son and who took him away from me into another room to feed him. This happened 2 nights in a row. Luckily my sobbing alerted another midwife who helped me make a formal complaint to the hospital.

I have also had people follow up "so when are you having #2?" with "so are you going to try harder to feed the next one?"

Really?! That's ****ing awful. You know what, that's not about breast feeding/formula feeding, that's about certain individuals being nasty.
For me, support/advice/advocacy of breastfeeding is all about supporting mums and babies, because they are so often let down by the people who are supposed to be helping them.

ETA - and I prefer the second list because it's about positive statements, rather than what not to say (which really should be pretty obvious)

[delphmoon]

ETA - and I prefer the second list because it's about positive statements, rather than what not to say (which really should be pretty obvious)

I prefer positive statements too...however its not obvious to some people on what not to say...I have experienced it before...even here on BB.

[~ Mylitta ~]

I've got a few train of thoughts running at the same time, so I'll try to put down a couple of points and hope that they make sense, lol.

We are all living in a society where FF has become increasingly common, and breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), is less common than it used to be. I think that when a woman succeeds at breastfeeding they are often very proud of what they have achieved (rightfully ).

Unfortunately when a woman that has breastfed talks about her achievement, it can often upset and hurt someone that has FF. I think in the majority of cases it is probably unintentional. And while I believe that the FF mothers have nothing to be guilty or ashamed of, I can understand that they may feel that way when the motto of "breast is best" is announced so often. But at the end of the day, most FF mothers have done what needed to be done in the "best" interest of their child and they should be proud

I don't think that we (as a society) should stop promoting breastfeeding as the "best" way to feed a baby. In most cases the FF mothers probably would have loved to have been able to breastfeed and I'm sure they agree that it would be better if we could increase the number of children that are breastfed (and breastfed for longer). This should be done through education and the healthy promotion of breastfeeding. It's for this reason that I breastfeed regularly (and proudly) in public, am a breastmilk donor, and am happy to announce that I am proud to breastfeed.

Having said that, I am always careful with my language around FF mothers and make sure that they are aware that I in no way think they are doing anything wrong, because they certainly are not.

[HotI]

I prefer positive statements too...however its not obvious to some people on what not to say...I have experienced it before...even here on BB.

A few people have posted that they have seen similar comments to the OP here on BB. I haven't seen them, and i take a look at most sections. Are they reported and deleted, or are they still there to be read?

[FabFiona]

Tinks today you have rocked my world. I like both of the articles.

Whilst I appreciate that one article is negative and one positive, I think it's important to have the negative things that are sometimes said acknowledged before you can move onto the positive.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[delphmoon]

A few people have posted that they have seen similar comments to the OP here on BB. I haven't seen them, and i take a look at most sections. Are they reported and deleted, or are they still there to be read?

If you really have not seen them I'm happy to go looking. Some comments may not be direct but they certainly are implied. Will get back to you

[Arcadia]

Sometimes I wonder if just talking about breastfeeding being easy, or convenient, or even a case of determination is enough to imply that ff is the opposite of these thing...like HotI I am surprised to hear pp say negative comments towards ff have been posted on bb. Sure I have read some very probreastfeeding threads, but nothing that outright relegates ff.
Bf is the toughest thing I have ever done...that's all I usually say.

[entreat]

OK... Confession. Although I have NEVER said any of those things, I have thought one or two of them. But it's taken me almost a full 12 months to appreciate the BF journey I've been on. It wasn't easy to start with & we certainly had some big potholes along the way. Only now can I say with full conviction that BFing is damn hard & it isn't for everyone.

I, as a bit of a breastfeeding zealot, will try harder to sympatise with my FFing sisters. there are challenges there that I don't appreciate, and obvious feelings that I can't feel.

Incidentally, I get the major crankies on when people say other people can't make you feel something. That's a giant load of BS that hurtful people say to deflect any level of empathy & responsibility for their words & actions. Contrast that with "Moms should be smart enough to see through formula marketing". By the same token, marketing can't make you buy things, but they are extremely good at dressing things up to make you think you need them. Sure - if you called me names & told me my parenting was substandard/abnormal (actually, abnormal would be a compliment to me!), and that I was compromising the health of my baby, I WILL feel bad because there's that horrible little voice that says "what if they're right?!". And that voice stays there are 3am when the smart part of me (that says tells me those accusations are a load of lies & I'm doing the right thing) is asleep.

Ok... rambling over.

[Fleur]

With respect, is it really necessary to nit pick over when or where these things were said, on BB or IRL? There are many women here who are saying they have heard them before, be it outright or implied... that should be enough for us all to recognise that a bit of respect & tact is called for when talking to any mother about ANY aspect of her parenting. Especially when it comes to feeding, which we all do. And lets face it, if we all care about parenting enough to sit on a forum & yack about it, we must care enough to make the best choices we can

I have always said, and always will say that breastfeeding needs more normalisation and support from society in general. My first two children were FF (after short attempts at BF) and in hindsight I know it was because I didn't know what I know now. I don't feel guilty. I did my best, then. But if someone back then had said any of this to me, I would have been devastated.

I like both lists, Tinks thanks for posting.

[delphmoon]

This is awhile ago post this huge thread was eventually closed because some bullying (not my words) occurred. What was started in a FF thread ended up being a FF vs BF kind of thing. It was confronting at the time and I'm glad it hasn't occurred in such severity since, however, we do occasionally see FF threads being hijacked and what starts off as a good supportive threads ends in a FF vs BF thing. Sad really.

Considering threads have been closed over it- its no wonder some FFers get abit sensitive when a support thread turns into a "you choose to feel guilty, we don't make you feel that way" thing...and then it gets to the point that people don't want to post their real feelings.

Anyway...seen afew of you have said "where does this occur on BB?" well here is an example

Look HERE

[mel_cur]

Delphmoon - thanks for posting that thread and can I just UGGG that thread is horrible! I am ashamed to be a mother sometimes when I read things like that

[Smoke Jaguar]

I'm not sure why this is in the FF thread, either, because this is actually a very useful thread for everyone, and could be in the general BB&F section.
There are BFing 'advocates' and there are BFing advocates - there are people who are better off keeping their traps shut. I have never come across an ABA counsellor, or anyone in any of the ABA groups I've been part of who has even thought these things, and anyone who does think these things is best left off the Christmas card list.
When I was having BFing establishment issues with DS I didn't even tell MYSELF that 'breast is best', let alone think it appropriate to 'should' anyone else!
I take the points to actually mean that saying these things UNDERMINES breastfeeding, breastfeeding establishment and breastfeeding retention. How can they help anyone? If anyone had told me any of these things to try to ensure I'd stick at breastfeeding, I'd have probably thrown a punch.
So, you can lump all of us breastfeeders together in a deluded attempt to justify your own decisions, or you could just share the post with everyone, have a good roll of the eyes with an "I know, can you believe people say these things?" and know that you don't have to answer to anyone but your children. You make your decisions based on the best information you have at any given time.
I have no time for people who give prescriptions based on their own values in life - better to use your energy just living your life and being constructive about things, instead of wedging negativity and doubt into others.
In fact, I believe this thread belongs in a more generalised area because it would be a good message for a much wider audience, including people who thought they were doing some kind of community service by perpetuating these ideas. Isn't it better to take your issues with certain 'breastfeeding advocates' to those 'breastfeeding advocates'?
By using the term 'breastfeeding advocates', many people do believe that there is only one sort. I'm continually surprised by how many people I come across who don't realise that ABA breastfeeding counsellors and MCHN's are two very different things! At least I haven't read the term 'nipple nazi' in relation to ABA for a while - thank goodness, cos that was driving me batty, as I've never known a bunch of less judgmental and more helpful people in my life.
Judgment has no place in mothering and mother support. So, I, too, condemn these inane and counter-productive statements. Real breastfeeding advocates have far bigger fish to fry, like the wider system that lets mums down and leaves them high and dry with very little ongoing support (and gives them a big Baby Bonus thinking they've solved all parenting obstacles...).
Anyone who values or is encouraging breastfeeding doesn't need to do it at the expense of formula feeding mums - it can stand on its own merits, when you know what you're talking about Even ABA says that 'breast is for baby, not baby for breast' - so when it's not working and you've given it a red hot go with great support, it's not working.