Registered User
What happens to the sisterhood when you FF?
I don't understand why some women are so insensitive to mothers who FF? Are we not all part of the same sisterhood ? Don't we all want what's best for our child ? After being part of this forum for so many years, it's so disappointing to encounter that kind of insensitive attitude. Please think about what you say to a mother who is unable to breast feed or even one who has chosen not to breast feed because you can really do some emotional damage with thoughtless words.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I didn't find my sisterhood deserted me when I had to FF. I'm sorry you feel that way, however I'd like to point out this section is here for FF discussion and support and it wouldn't be here unless it was necesarry.
The support is here - many of us have had to take the same path xoxoxo
Registered User
Thanks Lulu. I don't feel deserted by everyone. It's just that I tried really hard to BF because I loved the nurture and bond that I felt between my baby and I, and I honestly thought it would be the best thing for her. However after persisting for six weeks I couldn't go on because my BM had decreased so much that I was not able to sufficiently feed DD to meet her needs. It was such a heart wrenching and emotional decision to stop and start FF exclusively that I didn't go on the forum for two weeks ! When I finally did, I felt like I had to explain in detail why I had ventured over to "the other side" ! After getting some really positive responses I felt better. But some people still feel the need to be insensitive and hurtful about what I may have missed out on trying to BF. I know this is a forum promoting gentle parenting and such kinder parenting approaches. But I guess that does not mean that those people are necessarily gentle and kind. It just makes me want to leave this forum and tell everyone I know not to bother with BB.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Look, it's really up to you to decide what you want to do. It's clearly still painful for you and I do understand because my son refused the breast at 5 months and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
The feelings that went through me when I had to open that damn tin of formula were many and horrible. I wanted to BF dammit, I'd never considered FFing. I was frightened of what was in that tin cos I didn't put it there ykwim?
Now we all know breast is best, but just because someone says that doesn't mean they are saying you suck because you don't BF.
At the very least, you should try (for your own sake hun) to instead believe that someone is just merely talking of the benefits of BF xoxoxoxo
The saddest thing I have found for mum's who have 'failed' bfing their children need to justify why they cantand why they have had to use forumla as its not like they want to...the choice sometimes is taken away. Its hard and upsetting when we have tried and tried only to feel like a failure within ourselves, let alone have someone's words make us feel even worse about the situation.
Unfortunately a baby handbook doesnt pop out of the placenta at birth to let us know exactly how things should go. We have to feel our way through motherhood and do what helps, whats best for ourselves and our children.
PB - im really saddened that someone made you feel terrible
Last edited by maz; November 15th, 2009 at 05:04 AM.
Registered User
PB - I understand you're hurting and you need support. There are a lot of people on this site who will support you. But attacking someone personally in public isn't acceptable hon. Regardless of who they are. It's not the way things are done on this site. Perhaps PM or email Kelly if you have an issue with something she has written - but not publicly. I'm not saying don't express your opinions or anything like that - just that personal attacks aren't very nice or accepted on this forum. Besides, you're better than that!
Remember, you are supported. There are heaps of people on this site ready to support you.
Registered User
PB i hope you stick around.
whilst there have been a couple of times when i've felt like i wasn't part of the sisterhood on BB (nothing nasty directed at me or anything, just posts overlooked etc) there have been many posts on this forum that have hit exactly the right spot for me they have helped me through a tough time. i hope that maybe one day, one of my posts can help do the same for someone else.
one day you may be able to help another mum who is facing a similar situation & it might be sharing your experience that helps them through. to me, that's a great reason for you to stay & i really hope you feel able to
Registered User
Lovely comment sloane. So true.
Registered User
I think MR puts it the best when she says you can support someone without actually agreeing with them 100%.
I feel terrible you don't feel supported in your decisions. That is really tough. It is also hard when you turn to a place like BB, often for some light reading or fun and come across a post by accident that is really hurtful. That has happened to me before on other topics...and it made me realise I had something I wasn't letting go of.
You're doing a great job, and only YOU know what is best for your child. I think BB can be a little overtly pro-Bfeeding at times because to be honest, society IRL is pretty non-supportive of Bfeeding, especially long term Bfeeding (and we only need to look at at Bfeeding stats to know FFeeders are actually in the majority).
Registered User
Double post
Registered User
Perfectly said Maz.
The saddest thing I have found for mum's who have 'failed' bfing their children need to justify why they cant
The point that PB is trying to make with this thread, I believe, is not that FF or BF are better than each other. The fact is, a comment was made. And I'm sure it isn't the first comment that PB has been exposed to about the topic, if she's had an experience like mine. And sometimes you just reach breaking point. Whether the comments are intentional or not.
Inanna - from the sounds of it, PB didn't choose to FF. Sometimes bo'obs don't work. It's a physiological thing. My inability to BF both my babies after months of trying everything is witness to that. So to say that someone should be responsible and own their decision, when they had the decision taken away from them in the first place is a little harsh. Also, to use the analogy of a woman backing over her child in relation to the topic of this thread....?
PB - I am so sorry that you are so upset. When this forum started, I didn't realise how heated the debate can get. It is so unfortunate that there is an "us and them" mentality within some circles, as someone said previously. This will probably never go away. Just take comfort in the fact that your baby is now nourished. FULL STOP. Like I said, BF isn't much good when your baby is losing weight and you've tried everything....drugs, expressing, naturopath....the list goes on and on. But like Maz said, we shouldn't have to justify the fact that what is in our baby's bottle is formula rather than BM. Sure, some women choose to FF when they could have BF. The main point is, they choose to FEED. Only 20 years ago (not long at all in the grand scheme of things), it was common place to put cereal in bottles! Ahhhhh, we could go on forever. The different opinions don't end with feeding. Soon it will be discipline, dummy or not, toilet training. The list goes on. The fact is, you are hurting. And it does hurt. But take comfort in the fact that your baby loves you for loving her and that's all that matters x
Registered User
I'm sorry you feel that way. People who haven't been through the heart ache of not being able to breastfeed just don't understand. It's like any situation. It's unfortunate that some women don't show support or feel the need to put other women down for their choices or for their situation simply because it is different from their own situation or experience but unfortunately it happens in evey facet of life. Surround yourself with positive people and refuse to allow those who are negative the chance to affect your life. Both my babies are/were FF after mummy's boobs decided they didn't want to work anymore. I had no choice. They are perfectly healthy. Sending you big hugs. I understand your frustration xx
Registered User
I totally agree with NikW - everything is the same, if you haven't been through it yourself you can't begin to imagine how hard some decisions are. I hope that you find peace with your decision to ff. It took me nearly until my dd was 12 months old & she is a truly happy & healthy little 2.5 year oldn now. Best of luck x
Registered User
I think I saw the comment that upset you. It would have upset me a little too but I don't think it was meant maliciously, just a bit careless without knowing your background. My baby fell asleep on my breast beacause she didn't have the energy to suck because she wasn't getting enough milk. One example of when breast isn't best. Hugs to u Hun x
Registered User
You know what? I never got one negative comment about having to resort to FFing from anyone IRL. I only ever got it online. Not exactly sure what that means, but IRL I got lots of support, particularly from my mum who had BF both my brother & myself so I didn't expect her to be quite so supportive.
Most of the support you see online is from other mum's who've tried to BF but for a variety of reasons just couldn't manage it.
I think it's like a lot of things in life, you really don't understand something until it happens to you. That's why when I post I try to post from experience, not theory.
Registered User
Lulu, I understand a person being happy to BF and explaining the benefits. I was completely over the moon when I first started BF'ing and spoke about how wonderful it was, BUT I would never say to someone who tried BF'ding and did not succeed, "aaaw, you can't BF, well it's just the best thing ever !" To me that would just be a little thoughtless and mean to be perfectly honest.
Yes NikiW you're right, that was the post that upset me and as much as I thought I had made this conscious decision to nourish my child, rather than let her starve just because she was getting a little breast milk, my heart absolutely aches that it did not work out. Perhaps it was a careless post but it really, really hurt.
That has also been my experience....
Thank you for your understanding....
Hugs my love
I hope you can come to peace with where your journey is taking you...
I know someone said you can't know how hard it is until you've been there. Well I haven't ff - but I had an incredibly exhausting, frustrating, painful and heartwrenching experience with my first baby - just remembering the first few months make my toes curl! My outcome was different - but as a Mama who hasn't ff - I can say I fully understand why some mothers choose the FF road...
Registered User
Aww, big hugs to you, sweetie. I know exactly how you feel. But strangely, I would never have felt this way if I hadn't had *some* success in BFing - DD1 was FF'd and EBM for 6 weeks, then exclusively FF'd, and I never ever ever had even the slightest feeling of negativity or guilt about it - it wasn't a choice, it was the one and only option I had available to me. Simple. My child was fed, she was healthy. What more could anybody want from me?
Then DD2 was born, no complications, and my milk came in straight away. We've successfully BF'd for 5 months but at this point, I'm supplementing her with formula (it's probably 4 bottles & 3 or 4 BF's in a 24-hour period) and I'm getting all those icky feelings that I'm somehow doing her wrong. But then I only have to look at how happy she is after a bottle (my milk supply is decreasing rapidly because I'm losing weight, and in turn DD2 is refusing the breast unless she wants boobie to put her to sleep, so I need to save my milk for bedtime so she doesn't get frustrated and worked up when she doesn't get a good feed), and realise how much more relaxed and happy we are during the fewer BFs we do have, and I know I'm making the best decision for us both. I refuse to let anybody try to tear that choice down and make me feel bad because I *can* BF this time. That's not the point - those who insist that I 'keep trying' are not the ones cradling a kicking and screaming baby, in tears, knowing that they have no milk and a hungry baby. It would be detrimental to both DD2 and I to persist with exclusive BFing, and my aim is to do whatever makes her happiest, even if that means she misses out on the benefits of being exclusively BF'd for the first 6 months.
I too have found that my IRL network has been nothing but absolutely supportive in this situation - a lot of my friends have had what they consider to be negative experiences in BFing and are glad that I'm taking steps to avoid the heartache they went through. My mother, I think, is a bit jealous that I've BF'd successfully for so long as she didn't BF my brother or I, and as a bonus it means she gets to spend more time with DD2 because now she can be away from me for more than half an hour at a time (she refused to take EBM at all). DH can see that we're both happier and that makes him happy, as he can't stand the stress hanging in the air when he's home. But I've been reluctant to say anything on BB because while I know that the vast majority of members are caring, supportive and just want the best for me and my child, I know that sometimes tactless or unthinking comments slip through and while I shouldn't let them get to me... they kind of do, if I'm feeling fragile.
I'm afraid I can't offer much advice on how to deal with these kinds of comments, other than to try and shake them off and focus on the ones that you do find positiveAnd know that you're DEFINITELY not alone in having to/wanting to FF your baby - I personally see absolutely nothing wrong with it! I think society in general needs to be more educated as to the benefits of BFing, but if all else fails, formula's not a bad substitute - and you've given it your best shot, so please, PLEASE give yourself a big pat on the back for making it as far as you did. BFing may be natural and 'best' for baby, but it sure as heck ain't easy!
Bookmarks