HI ladies, thanks for your replies.

I do realise I need to just make her take her choice, and I do *try* to... (the baked dinner / gravy episode was a bit of an extreme example - I initially thought that I had seasoned the gravy too much and then DH wasn't aware that I had already been through it, and I do think she was playing us off against each other a bit, but I digress...)

How do I deal with the tantrum immediately after (in my sleep deprived state late last night, I realised I left out half of what I wanted to originally post). When I do say no / you chose A / tough cookies (not that I say that, but ykwim), we have a wailing and I mean WAILING tantrum afterwards with the sobbing and tears (OK not always that bad, but at least half the time) and the arms held out with a request for "cuddle" (most of the time).
On the one had, I dont want to be refusing a cuddle when she asks for one, but on the other hand I feel like I am rewarding the tantrum and the preceeding behaviour.
Is it best to ignore this tantrum or soothe it? I have tried both options and neither of them feels very successful.

and the I want / don't want scenario I struggle with most is the cuddle at bed time ....
do you want me to tuck you in and give you a cuddle
no
ok, so I pat her hand and wave 'night, then after I have left the room is a cry for a cuddle, so I go in to give her a cuddle and then she rolls away saying no, so I leave and then we start up with "cuddle!" again. If I say no, we have a huge tantrum which results in not going off to sleep or we wake DD2.

I have tried warning her when I ask her something, saying no more changing, is that what you want, but I do wonder sometimes if it is all beyond her comprehension??

ANyway, suck it up, stick to my guns, got that. Just need advice on how to deal with the tantrum please!