dealing with the I want / don't want / want it's.....

[~Kaz~]

My son went through this stage just like you describe. The cuddle/no cuddle really upset me too. In the end I decided he was learning about the finality of decisions in that often in life, once we choose one option, the others are no longer available and there can be a kind of grief for what is not chosen.

With the tantrums over cuddles/no cuddles I found they were over faster if I offered a cuddle and then sat nearby - available for when he calmed down but not talking or pushing him. He used to do this thing where he'd want me in the room (at bedtime) then tell me to go away, then get incredibly distressed when I left the room. I think the distress behind the tantrums is real for them, even when we don't get it or its a trivial (to us) issue. I found it helped my head space to forget the issue and just respond to his distress as genuine. The come-here-go-away routine didn't last all that long and I suspect once he worked out I wasn't going to leave him alone with his feelings he stopped needing to test me.

HTH. Remember, this too shall pass x

[Heaven]

I agree with the others with just going with the first choice definitely. You can't be serving up several meals each time, how annoying. My DD's do this too but they only get one choice (even if I check with them a few times before I make it).

With the tantrums, yes, I would comfort. I try to think of tantrums in a different way. Most of the time it's not my child trying to control me, it's just them having a very big feeling which they don't know how to deal with yet. It's my job to teach them and I need to help them calm down. Comforting during a tantrum isn't rewarding bad behaviour. You're still not backing down from your decision but you can help her deal with her frustration over it, let her know that you are in control and she can feel safe, and that she is unconditionally loved no matter what her behaviour is like. I would say something like 'You're upset/frustrated because I won't let you have the orange. You asked for an apple first and I have already cut it up. Next time you can ask for an orange if you like. Do you need a cuddle to help you calm down?' That works for my kids. I find they usually just want to feel like I understand them. Sometimes maybe you need to wait a bit or cuddle first before talking if you can't talk over the screaming though, lol.

[Aussiegirl777]

We are going through this phase with my DS who has just turned 2.

We are teaching him even now that every action has a consequence, even when it comes to choices with regards to food or playing outside or in, shoes or no shoes etc. It is a natural thing for a child to go through this process of changing their mind all the time. We offer a choice and recheck a few times but once his decision is made then that is final. That is his choice. So if DS chooses Vitabrits over porridge then it's Vitabrits. If a tantrum ensues we just let it unfold in front of us but if he needs a cuddle, he gets a cuddle as we never refuse kisses or cuddles in our house. I'm expecting, from what I've heard from friends that this phase lasts for quite a while too

[Bloom]

Just a quick thought, but perhaps your little one isn't up to being given choices yet? What would happen if you just said: "Here is an apple for morning tea"?

Re dealing with the tantrum, we offer comfort if they want it, but if they don't then they can process it in their own way.

[Bloom]

Also we try to put words to their feelings and show that we understand. Things like I know you are upset and I know that is frustrating that you can't have your orange. It is okay to be upset.

[milly5]

thanks ladies, for all your good advice. I do feel like we are on the right direction now.
I have tried to be a bit firmer with her, and limit the giving choices, and she seems to be OK with that, she will tell me if it's not what she wants, which has been good.
I have noticed too that DH is alot "softer" with her than I am, and she is such a "daddy's girl", so I had better watch that I think!
the tantrums have still been a bit difficult, she has often been too wound up to talk to, and then when it has passed, she doesn't seem to care anymore, so not sure whether I continue to try and explain to her or just let it go? just sort of playing that one by ear I guess.