Do you judge other peoples parenting?

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Somehow I got this from the HM=HB thread Only because someone mentioned parents who give their toddlers Coca Cola though I've decided to put this here because I worry that it would start arguements anywhere else; hopefully we're all in a gentle frame of mind as we respond!

I've noticed that I judge other parents more since I've moved to a lower socioeconomic area. I see parents walking around with cartons of jim beam and coke, parents swearing at their children, and (worst of all in my book) parents with children trailing behind them barefoot, which is ridiculous because there's always glass everywhere. It's very easy for me to judge but at the same time, my close friend does a lot of things that I consider to be quite . . . well, selfish and harmful to her baby. She smokes inside the house with her tot next to her, she has gotten drunk when he's been in her care, and she currently has a person with an extensive criminal record (including child sexual abuse) living with her (because of this recent development, I haven't seen her in a while). She knows that these things are wrong (actually I'm not sure what she thinks about her bf) but she does it anyway, I'm not sure why though. She says that it's difficult for her to smoke outside and leave bubs inside but he's walking, she could just take him out the backyard and let him run around. It's not ideal certainly but it's better than the alternative.

So my point is, do you judge other peoples' parenting? How do you handle it when friends/family do things you completely disagree with?

[HotI]

, and she currently has a person with an extensive criminal record (including child sexual abuse) living with her (because of this recent development, I haven't seen her in a while). She knows that these things are wrong (actually I'm not sure what she thinks about her bf) but she does it anyway, I'm not sure why though.

This is of great concern, more so than smoking in front of your kids or walking around barefoot. Do you think your friend would be taking steps to ensure the kids safety (like never leaving him alone with the kids)? I would be alerting the authorities over this.

[inlove]

Hi,
I am going through a difficult patch with one of my friends at atm, i don't know if she is aware of how i feel but i am finding myself really angry with her chosen parenting style. I know that the feelings i am having are wrong and i would never ever say anything but my issue is how do i continue the friendship. I am wondering what you have done to deal with how you feel and whether you think you can continue the friendship. My friend believes strongly in strict routines and practices controlled crying etc whereas we co-sleep and pretty much attachment parent. She is pregnant with her second child just like us and i just don't know if i can watch her do the same to the next baby considering the effects i have seen it have on her first. So i don't know what to do atm i am just keeping my distance a bit waiting to see how i feel etc after bubs is born.
What are you thinking of doing long term with your friend?

[sneakysparkle]

Im going to keep this answer short.
Yes I do judge, but Im not proud of it. I guess its more an issue with people who I think should "know better" iykwim?
I try to keep my mouth shut with friends/family, unless they want my input.

[Rachel]

Yep! I think everyone judges, it's human nature. I have some friends that do things that shock and surprise me...I don't say anything though. I don't enter in conversation with them about it..or if it appears to be heading in that direction and I feel that my opinion would upset i usually cut it short by making some comment about how everyone parents differently. I don't think it's worth entering into that territory unless they ask what i think...they are good friends and it's not worth ruining the friendship over it. If they do ask my opinion i usually respond with that's not what I would do as I prefer this...and go from there...it's more friendly and less accusing!! So I do judge, everyone does I believe, but I don't pass my judgement on.

[aussienic]

yes unfortunatly I do.. I rarely say anything to them.. Might have a whine to DH later though..

I am sure people disagree with my parenting style

ie the barefoot thing.. I used to judge on that till I had a child that simply refused shoes. It was hard no matter how hard we tried. In the end we decided not to fight him anymore and he soon got the idea and wear shoes.. but in saying that we didn't let him walk where it was not safe

On your friend I would be ringing someone about this guy living there.. I thought once you had been charged with something to do with kids you weren't allowed near them? Which means he is breaking the law..

[AnyDream]

I confess I have judgemental thoughts, but I try not to. People who smoke do so to suppress their emotional pain, same goes for drinking in excess/at inappropriate times/any other addictive behaviours. It's hard to know why a person lives like that unless you have a good understanding of what their life's experiences have been (and often that can only be guessed at). Sometimes it's learnt behaviour from their own families of origin (like babies being given coca cola). I guess we're all possibly less-than-our-best in the decisions we make as parents, who knows how that will rub off on our kids over time?

I guess the judging is ok so far as you only apply it to your own decision making, eg IMO very good call to not go there as long as the sexual offender is there. That's less about judgement and more about protecting your own family, IMO. But it's important to maintain your sense of compassion. I would want to lovingly and as gently as I can, tell my friend how concerned I was about the situation she was in. I would make sure she knows she can call me if she's ever in danger or needs to get out of there, kwim?

[paradise lost]

It depends.

I think CCing and smacking, while not at ALL the way i want to parent, and probably not good for either the baby or the parent-baby bond, are not in the same league as smoking with a babe in arms (medically proven to be harmful) or harbouring a paedophile (not even going to list what's wrong with that one!).

I have friends who CC and who would say to me when DD was small and crying and i was tired and BFing her, "You should let her cry it out, she NEEDS to learn!" and i HATED it, so i don't say "Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!" even if it's what i'm thinking...

I judge everyone and everything internally (don't we all? I don't mean judge-and-find-wanting, i just mean assess against my own methods, feelings and standards), but i don't take myself too seriously, iykwim. Like i am so careful not to smack, and try to be gentle and don't shout and so on and so forth and i would never give DD coke or excessive candy or whathaveyou, but equally i know that the gulf between being a gentle parent and a criminally abusive or neglectful one is SO SO WIDE and there is plenty of room for pretty much every other parent i know in it.

Bx

[Doing my best]

Yep, I judge people, but I don't let them see my negative thoughts, and so far hasn't affected any relationships with people.. I think anyone who says they don't aren't being totally honest with themselves. It is how you deal with your judgment that matters..

We are all different, and what is the norm for me isn't going to be the norm for you or the next person I see. I normally comment about others parenting actions that I don't like to DH (but if I felt someone was doing something to put a child in great danger, I would have to work out a subtle way of bringing it up ).

I have family members and friends that do things that we don't do with our DD, but they are in no danger, so not really my place to say anything.

[Astrid]

I find that I judge more when I am being judged. If another parent is not being nice about my parenting, then I will tend to find fault in them. I have to admit early on I was quite judgemental, but as my parenting time has increased I have become more understanding of different parenting and as such tend to judge less, or maybe it is more that I am better at not letting things affect me. Also now I tend to keep any judgemental thoughts to myself, well most of the time, I can be nasty when I am in the mood.

I will admit something shallow, I will be more judgemental of someone's parenting if I just plain don't like them for some reason

[fionas]

Yes and I think we all do. We have to make choices all the time as parents and we make those choices based on our knowledge so if someone else chooses something different it's hard not to think that they are not doing the right thing.

Generally with my friends, I don't really comment though I think my friends also get the impression that I am very opinionated about the choices I make (such as co-sleeping, no junk food etc etc.) so they can guess what my reaction might be on certain subjects. I have had to bite my tongue on a few occasions but at the end of the day, I know if they have chosen to do something then it's because they want to and they don't really want me quoting research, what I've read on BB etc. etc. because they're not really open to it.

If, on the other hand, they were to ASK my advice I'd tell it how I see it. But generally they don't ask for advice and that's cool. A friend of mine is doing CC at the moment and it was obvious that she had made her mind up and didn't really need me telling her why I didn't think it was a good idea. At the end of the day, it's their baby and I value their friendship more than I value being/feeling/proving myself right about something. We've known each other for years and they're all what I consider to be good people and unfortunately, in life, we're never going to agree with everyone about everything all the time so I let it go. Though DP and I do talk about it and that is enough of an outlet for me!

I would, however, defend my choices to the hilt (nicely) if one of my friends made a judgement. I'm sure they think it's ridiculous that DD is still sleeping in our room at 18 months old and am perfectly prepared to explain why I think that's been good for her and good for us, if criticised for that decision.

But if it came to the scenario you've described with a sexual offender living in your friend's house, I think that's gone way, way beyond making a judgement - it's about the kids' safety. Apart from figuring out what to do for the best, I honestly don't think that I could respect a friend who was that far removed from common sense that they would endanger their own child.

[Visitor8]

well it depends. If it is something I disagree with because it's not what I would do but it isn't going to cause the child immediate danger (like cocacola to kids for example) I say nothing. It's not my place. I might in conversation say how my kids aren't allowed to have it. I just got back from a week with my bestie and she lets her 2.5 year old have coke and I did tell her that its the worst one because it's caffiene, but I left it at that.
If it is something that is endangering the child like playing on the road (yes it happens in my street), not holding hands to cross the road (my sister and her 2 year old), running around the car when someone is getting ready to leave (my friends house) or leaving bubs in cars then I say it and give reasons WHY it shouldn't be done and in most cases I take action (getting the child and holding their hand, removing them from the road or calling the authorities when last week I saw a lady leave her bub in the car while she went running into the shop, I was on the phone to the police, they came within 5 minutes and they smashed her window and removed the child)

So I think it really depends on what the parenting is

[nic]

This is quite interesting, thanks for starting the thread Neenee
I'll admit that I do judge, like so many other people do.. and I know that at the moment I am being judged when friends ask how DS's sleeping habits are this week and then tell me that I should drive 1000k's away to a CC sleep school.
But all that aside, I wonder..how many of us judge and say something about it or judge from afar saying nothing?
I have a family member, who both DH and I judge their parenting, but we keep coming back to "they provide a clean, healthy environment" for their kids so maybe we shouldn't judge? Then I have one of their kids over here calling our neighbours kids swear words (think of one beginning with B and a four letter C word- kid you not on that one! And what did they do? I can tell you they didn't march their little one over to apologise or chat to them about how bad it was to use those type of words... how can I not judge that??

[Glamourcide]

Yes, I am a judgmental a**hole. That being said, unless a child is in danger I don't comment unless I'm asked - just do the disapproval thing behind their backs where it's not going to hurt anybody's feelings (ONLY to my DH or my mum though, I'm not the kind of person who goes around gossiping about others - I know DH and mum would never spread it around and have it come back to bite me). I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure there are plenty of people watching what I do and thinking, 'Gaah, can you *believe* that woman?' so I guess I'm just a believer in 'live and let live'. We all have different means and methods, I personally think I know what is best for my family and I (that being said, I am constantly researching, asking questions and advice and educating myself on new and better ways to make sure everybody in my house is happy and healthy, it's not like I just say, 'This is how I'm gonna do it and to hell with what anybody else thinks'), so I'm open to advice and others' experience, but at the end of the day my choices are my own and so are everybody else's.
I have a friend who has a little boy around the same age as DD, and honestly there are times when I want to just wring her neck when I see how she is with her DS... but if I ever say anything, it's worded in such a way that she would see it as a suggestion or advice from another person's perspective, rather than 'OMG you suck as a mother and you should do things this way'. Obviously it's nothing serious, her parenting choices don't impact on me and her son is happy, safe and relatively healthy so I keep my nose out of her business.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Like others, when I do I keep it to myself and DP.
I have friends who had kids after me and wanted to know what my inspirations were cos they want to do things the way I do with DS. That means that it's obvious I'm doing something 'different'. This also means that the friends who have babies who then succumb to the baby training and non-tactile parenting are determined not to want to do it, and it's not because I haven't spoken up about it. In other words, there are some people who have already made up their minds and there isn't much you can do - like people who insist that formula is as good as breastfeeding, when that is factually incorrect, and they know you're still BFing. There's just no point bringing it up. Same with attachment parenting - I just 'do' and 'show' rather than advise, unless asked. I also will talk about attachment parenting concepts and practices in conversation, as if they're a normal part of life (in a 'well, you know, of course' sort of tone, so that it doesn't look like I'm emabarrassed to bring it up!), so that if they decide to take any of it up, they will know that at least one other friend does it, too!
As for an abuser living in the house, an anonymous tip off is the order of the day here. There's a small child in that house. Also the smoking in the house - there HAS to be some kind of wellbeing issue there! I think the both are serious issues.
There are times I've stepped in for the wellbeing of a child, over the wellbeing of the friendship and come off worse for it once. Father has some pride issues (or something) and I've been outcast ever since - the child was about to be totally demoralised and punished for something that had already been dealt with before the dad came home, on top of the way the child had been treated a month or two earlier on a weekend away with us all, and on various camping trips. I'd had enough and the child's mother is a doormat with these things - my DP knows that if he steps over the line, I'll have to break ranks with him and side with DS because DS's emotional safety comes first for me.
Also, I had read articles and chapters in books about standing up for children when their parents are eroding them (great chapter in The Natural Child, available in libraries and through ABA's Mothers Direct). That influenced me in this specific case where I made my call. Kids are not chattels, and some parents believe they are and will take exception to implied criticism of their 'disciplinarian' ways.
Anyway, in other respects, as sad as it is to know of a child who is parenting using books called Save Our Sleep and Contented Little Baby, there isn't much we can do except be shining beacons of example. Particularly when you know, through experience and contrasting with non-gentle examples, that gentle parenting achieves the more satisfying relationship in terms of long-term objectives for parent and child (who will one day be an adult - often forgotten!!).
It's your call about the bf and smoking, and I know that's one aspect I wouldn't budge from - I'd be vocal about the smoking and proactive about the bf. Your gut feeling is yelling at you!

[krysalyss]

I definitely 'judge' although disgree with the negative associations that brings. After all we learn a lot from other parents and I am always assessing if what someone does fits with what we do and is something I can take on board. As for negative judging there are some things that really get my goat, especially if I think the children really are negatively impacted by that. If I can find a way to say something in a way that isn't hurtful then I will, especially if the parent seems open to it. For example a friend of mine was ignoring her child who was a having a tantrum in public. The boy was obviously really tired and the mum pretty embarrassed. She mentioned to me that she has been told to ignore the bad and praise the good. I told her I didn't really mind what others thought but always cuddled if they were upset. She went straight over to comfort her son because that is obviously what she instinctively felt she should do but thought I would judge her. So open dialogue is so important because we all need to support each other. If I saw someone giving a toddler some coke I probably wouldnt really notice even though DS rarely has sweet drinks (we save the sugar for the ice-cream - LOL) and it wouldnt be something I am likely to mention unless the mum says her kid has behavioural problems and then I would say something like "I have heard that the caffeine in coke....." in a non-confronting way.
On the other hand there are the situations where I would feel like I have to say something. I think your situation is one of those. Living with a known paedophile?!?! That has to be followed up because unlike cutting your foot on glass that will affect the child for the rest of their life and will scar them in so many ways. I agree that it has to surely be illegal. Unfortunately smoking around kids isnt illegal yet.

Not sure if this would have helped. Hopefully. I think you are in such a difficult decision. Personally I would just call someone about the paedophile thing first. You aren't going to get through to her if she hasn't figured that one out for herself.

[Celsie]

"Maybe you should pick him up, at 4 days old he's NOT being a manipulative criminal but you might turn him into one if you ignore him!"

Oh... I'm so going to remeber this comment the next time I get into a "discussion" about CC. Brilliant!

I agree with everyone else about the sex offender living with your friend and her child. You really must report this, for the sake of this little one. If this child's mother won't protect him, then who will?

And yes, I do judge other parents. I think it's a natural reaction when we see something that just isn't right. I tend to keep my opinions to myself... mostly, or will vent to DH or a very close friend if something really gets under my skin. I confess however, on occasion I have mentioned quite loudly to my 19 month old son how it's completely illegal and not to mention disgusting, when I see parents smoking in cars with their kids. I get dirty looks, but do I really care?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I judge in a second... then I force myself to stop.

Ever read To Kill A Mockingbird? There's a bloke in that who constantly drinks from a glass bottle in a brown paper bag. When Scout actually talks to him, she finds that it's just cocacola, society has judged that due to his lifestyle choices (a white man living with a black woman) he must be a drunk. And the sad thing is, he goes along with it because it's too hard to make others see that an alternative choice is valid.

I don't want to be a member of that sort of society.

Yes, I don't agree with all my friends' parenting choices. They don't agree with mine. But short of harming the child (or maybe getting a paedophile boyfriend and letting him live with your child!) I try to temper my judgement with understanding. You choose to give your child cola? I don't get that: my DS is hypersensitive to caffeine. It's not good for you. I'm not going to sympathise too much if your cola'd up child doesn't sleep well. But sometimes if a child is refusing to drink anything apart from cola it's the best thing. Do you want a dehydrated child?

CCing isn't good. But some people don't realise that, let alone realise there are other options. It's so much a pushed thing. Thinking CCing at 6 weeks old just isn't right... but that's a societial problem rather than something I should judge a mother on. If it were legal to murder your DH for saying something stupid most women would be widows within a month of making their vows. And we wouldn't judge negatively because that's legal. Then someone says "hey, you can talk it through!" and her marriage lasts over a month! Crazy woman! But would that woman judge the husband-killers negatively? Of course not, that's societal norm.

I try to remember this when I see things I disagree with. My ideas aren't law and a good thing too because I don't always live up to them. And I don't live up to them in public all the time. I don't want to be judged on the off days so I try to think nice thoughts about others too.

Yes, I do whinge a bit on BB about things I dislike. And get on my high horse. But I know I'm not perfect and have spectacular falls.

I don't agree with CCing, but last night just lay in bed and shouted through the wall "just go back to sleep, won't you?" and waited a minute before dragging myself out of bed. There are those who would say that's CCing and a bad thing - making DS wait for me for no real reason (other than it was very cold and I was tired and it wasn't the first wake-up - so no real reason).

I don't agree with a parent putting themselves first all the time, yet if I'm honest what are DH and I doing by having me study and then return to work? We are putting our wants first: bigger house, maybe more children, nice holidays (and yes, eating nice meals: I'm sure we could survive somehow now DH has a payrise but we don't want to stuggle any more)... DS is happy in nursery else we wouldn't do it, but it's still putting ourselves first.

So yes, I judge. But I try my best to temper it with reason, even within my head.

But living with a paedophile? I'd be calling the social services and the police about that one! Why would you even want to be friends with a guy you knew was a paedophile, let alone date him? I know that's judging but I can't find anything nice to say about paedophiles.