Everybody judges other parents. Everyone.
The thing is, we're humans, and we all like to do things our way. And then we see people doing things differently than us, or things we don't think are the right way of doing things, and we judge. Without thinking of the fact that the person your judging probably would have something to say about what your doing too.
I judge the mothers in the shopping centre screaming at their kids, and ripping them by the arms towards them and smacking the crap out of them, right there in the middle of target.
Only cause i think it could of been dealt with in a less of a "COME HERE YOU LITTLE UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN!!!" fashion. (although my brother has a tendancy to make me think he's the antichrist at times. ahh little 4yr old boys)
Don't feel to bad about judging, it's natural. As long as your not doing it 24/7.
LOL! Myson, i used to let DD roll all over the floors in places too. I figured it kept her occupied, allowed her to be active and was good for her immune system and she never got sick from it.
I let DD eat of the floor (at home where I know they're fairly clean, not in public places) because I figure it's good for her immune system. In fact, I have a muck matt that I'd put under her high chair and wash after each use, but before I did she'd finish her tea and have her seconds off it!
DS eats food that has been dropped on a clean(ish) floor at home. Not nasty food, just food I'd eat myself.
OK so he never played on a shopping centre floor, but that's only because I didn't get to take him shopping too much! He played on MiL's floor which I'm sure is worse sometimes. Floors in public places, like Churches or whatnot, were fine for him.
If DS were crawling around and eating other peoples' dropped food, that would be something I wouldn't do.
BTW, I don't judge. Honestly. I don't. Not for more than 5 seconds at any rate! It isn't my place to judge on a five-second snapshot of someone else's life. I'm sick of being judged that I'm very critical of myself if I do find myself doing it, which is less and less often these days.
hey, we have the 3 second rule for food at our place too. but a shopping centre floor just seems a bit gross to me. these two little fellas werent crawling.. just wiggling around on their bellies.
but maybe thats not the judgemental me... maybe thats the clean freak, germphobic me...
yep, and it doesn't always come from a conscious effort. i think that the majority of the time that we do this is not so much to denegrate or 'tut tut' other parenting, but rather as a way to re-evaluate our own choices. so sometimes i go: 'oh, i would [I]never[I] do that...', then i think 'hmmm actually...' ITMS. of course there are situations where it is a total no go for me, but for the most part i think it is all about learning and taking note and placing ourselves in the others shoes with their kids iykwim.
I think sometimes when I am judgemental towards other parents it comes from a frustration that sometimes we take the "hard road" with DS in the belief that it is worth it in the end. By that I mean we parent him to sleep instead of leaving him to cry, even though it sometimes takes a really long time. Or persevering with breastfeeding even when it was frustrating. So when I go to mother's group and everyone is going on about how their babies sleep through the night blah blah blah I am sometimes a bit judgemental and think well that is because your baby is traumatised because you left him to cry for 2 hours.
Another example is at Christmas time, we were trying to help DS to sleep, at that time it was a very difficult task as he had reflux and breast refusal issues, I was putting him to sleep in one room and my cousin put her baby to sleep in another room. We heard her little one crying (which woke my DS up again!) and after a while I said to DP do you want to just check cos my cousin might have gone downstairs and can't hear him. DP went out and my cousin was standing outside the door listening to him cry. I felt very frustrated at the time because I was spending hours helping DS to sleep and her baby woke mine up and she was leaving him to cry. It made me feel better to tell myself that we were better for not leaving DS to cry.
Mumiloo - You may incorrectly judge me as well. My almost 4mth old sleeps all night and has since before xmas and I have never once practiced controlled crying. She is fully breastfed, has no dummy and if she does for some reason wake I feed her but she sleeps 8-12 hrs every night with no controlled crying so it is definatly possible, she just loves sleep like her mumma I usually rock her to sleep for ages or feed to sleep but she is just starting to put herself off without me, she just sucks her hand now. I have had every BF issue under the sun and express almost full time but don't think that because someone uses formula they aren't as strong as me, i'm just bloody stubborn! I have also been close to giving it up before but am determined to give my baby bm.
In saying that I found myself having judgemental thoughts the other day at mothers group. There was a mum there with her 3.5mth old and she was saying how she doesn't feed through the night anymore and just gives her DD the dummy if she wakes up so "she knows she won't get fed" then during the day "only feeds every 4hrs when i'm ready to feed her." I was thinking "god that poor baby, she's gone all night with no food and her mum won't even give her any extra through the day to make up for it. But instead of b****ing about it to my friends there I kept my mouth shut and went home and told DH about it instead.
I think this goes back to critically evaluating and judging. To me you made an assumption that babies who sleep through have mothers that practice CC and therefore that sounds judgemental but in the situation of your cousin you were just critically evaluating the situation.
Yes, I do judge. I dont' think we can help it really, but what matters is what we do about it once we find ourselves judging people.
For example I tend to be very harsh on people I know. Not just those whose parenting styles are not like mine as I know they may be doing what I consider the "wrong" thing but for the right reasons, ie they love their baby and are trying to do what they think is best for him. No, I tend to be (privately) judgemental of those who do things like let their 9 month old baby eat most of a Pizza Hut pizza on her own , I couldn't believe it when I heard it but they were boasting about it cause they were proud of her "achievement". I certainly had a lot to say about that, to DH only.
On the other hand I try very hard not to judge people I don't know. Like if I see someone in a shopping centre doing something I don't do. Mind you, it's very hard not to judge a woman shouting and swearing at her kids. Also I'm like Myson, I'd never let my child roll around the floor of a shopping centre food court, those places are filthy! But DD did crawl around the floor of the church on Sundays as I knew it was vacuumed and kept reasonably clean.
I also try not to feel judged which I think is something that affects how we judge others. Like my 3.5 month old sleeps 8 hours a night but it didn't occur to me to feel judged by what Mumiloo said as I just assumed she knew that the mothers in her mothers group had actually practiced CC and that's why their babies slept through.
This whole judging thing is a bit of a minefield really. Especially when you feel really strongly about some things, like gentle parenting.
Olive's mum and Eugenia- lucky you! When I was talking about someone from mothers group it was someone who actually said that she had left her baby to cry for 2 hours and even though it was really hard now they were sleeping through the night. When I am in a good mood and thinking logically though, I don't judge her or my cousin- they are just doing what they think is best and what they have been taught to do by books etc. What I was trying to say was that the nasty judgemental part of me seems to come out when I am feeling frustrated about how things are going in my own family- maybe there is a bit of doubt there about whether I am doing the right thing, or a feeling of "if only it was that easy". I think when I am judgemental it is more about me than them. I am trying to be more aware of this.
Last edited by mumiloo; February 13th, 2009 at 08:13 AM.
: add stuff
mumiloo - IKWYM about other parents doing things 'the easy way' when you have gone the long gentle road. Those people may judge us and think 'god they are wussy parents.' I think this thread is good in that it makes you evaluate the way you think about others. I obviously jumped to the conclusion that you were talking in general terms regarding sleep but eugenie took it to mean that you knew the people in your MG practiced CC so it's interesting how we interpret things differently and how that affects our jugdement as well. Sorry I misinterpreted yor comment.
My friend gave her one month old baby JUICE the other day. It was a hot day and bubs wouldn't take water (not that I thought she needed it) so she got JUICE out of the fridge, watered it down a bit and stuck the bottle in her mouth. Not even baby juice - like Golden Circle juice.
I started to say "Ahhh... I don't think her body is going to take that very well" and she instantly got on the defence. I had to leave after that before I exploded.
Yes I do judge and Im a better mother for it. If I can ignoledge the faults others have then I can learn fom them NOT to do it. Im saying the 'terrible' stuff. Like a terrible diet for your child (aslong as I know for a fact the diet is terrible, not taking the time for both your children etc I could go on, trust me.
We dont speak or want to know Clints sister A) For her LACK of parenting B) We cant trust her or her husband around Annabelle C) Everytime I see her parenting it makes me sick!
I DO judge and Im not ashamed because those who Im judging, should be.
Eg: I dont judge petty stuff or anything I dont understand. A little girl was at the doctors while I was and she would have been about 2 and was WELL over weight. Some old ladies next to me were *****ing. I had to move away from them as I truly didn't understand why that little one was so big and I could tell it wasn't from over eating, poor little bubba wasn't well at all. Hence what I mean by, if I dont know the facts I tend not to let myself judge.
Well in my line of work (childcare), I find it extremely difficult not to judge as there are truely some crap parents out there!
Having said that, the parent is never made to feel like they are being judged whether I am trying to give guidance or advice, it is always done in an attempted way that is positive and supportive. Some people just don't have the skills they need, others just couldn't give a toss really.
And yes, as far as coke in bottles and smoking in cars with children and not putting children in child restraints in the car, I do judge and I think you;ve got to, who else is going to be the child's advocate?
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DS eats food that has been dropped on a clean(ish) floor at home. Not nasty food, just food I'd eat myself.
, I couldn't believe it when I heard it but they were boasting about it cause they were proud of her "achievement". I certainly had a lot to say about that, to DH only.
When I was talking about someone from mothers group it was someone who actually said that she had left her baby to cry for 2 hours and even though it was really hard now they were sleeping through the night. When I am in a good mood and thinking logically though, I don't judge her or my cousin- they are just doing what they think is best and what they have been taught to do by books etc. What I was trying to say was that the nasty judgemental part of me seems to come out when I am feeling frustrated about how things are going in my own family- maybe there is a bit of doubt there about whether I am doing the right thing, or a feeling of "if only it was that easy". I think when I am judgemental it is more about me than them. I am trying to be more aware of this.
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