Oh hon! It sounds like a really tough labour and regardless of anything you did or said to get yourself through any labour you should never feel disappointed with yourself.

I was blessed in that my contractions always had breaks (some very short breaks near the end but never rolling contractions). You don't know how you will contract this time so you can't expect it to be the same. It may really surprise you. And if you need to scream again, then by god you just go ahead and scream! I'm no quiet, blissed out mumma in labour either

Your support doesn't sound it like was a good match for you and I'd really be talking to your MW about this. "Perfect" is only what is perfect for each person. If a hands off labour is not for you then let your carers know. Let them know the sort of things you need to hear and the support you're looking for. You deserve the best- this is your birth experience.

And you didn't push wrong because your body pushed Eden out- that's perfect! Your MW was trying toget you not to push the way did- after over an hour of pushing like a maniac to avoid transfer I was pushing without contractions and pushed right through crowning, causing a lovely 2nd degree tear.