Homebirth General Discussion #20

[meow]

I hope you get the thrush sorted ASAP Bella. So not fun!

I need help!! I'm so confused and sad and stressed. More crap with my MW When we met this week we didn't talk about the whole issue I had with the way she told me about the hep A I had and we just had a really good appointment. I had known we would need to revisit it again to clear over the whole thing and ensure we had understood each other's point of view and we were communicating well but I figured there was time.

Anyway, so at the appointment I mentioned I had had two very tiny drops of bright blood (smaller than a millimetre). I hadn't had sex in a while but had just moved house and done a hard yoga class and my pelvis was very sore. Then when she was palpitating my tummy to feel baby I had some acute pain on the upper right side. She thought the pain could be digestive wind through my tummy but could also be an issue with an organ (like gall stones) or a contraction, though I didn't feel any signs of a contraction.

So last night she sent me a text to ask how the pain and bleeding was going. I told her I had one more teeny spot of blood the next day but nothing since and the pain seemed to digestive as it happened again after I ate another not quite ripe nectarine but I hadn't had it again. So she replied that if I wanted she could refer me for an ultrasound to check the placenta and if I was having early cervical dilation. I said I really don't think anything is wrong and I'm happy to wait and see if I have any more bleeding and asked "or is the three drops enough to be concerned?".

She replied with this: "It's always up to you to make the decisions that are right for you in your care I'm here as a consultant to you, to listen and provide clinical care and to give you information, and resources and the help support you to keep your pregnancy and birth normal and healthy. Bleeding now at this time in pregnancy can happen on occasion w lovemaking, but is not otherwise normal. It could be many things- many are not a problem, and some could be. I would always let you know if I see something that could be an issue, even if it ends up being just fine. That's why mothers have midwives and doctors adn why we do prenatal care- to keep things normal and healthy as possible and to spot things early when issues arise so we can correct issues early. An ultrasound is the tool used to help identify any issues when a mama has any bleeding in pregnancy. It is less invasive and gives us more information than a vaginal exam, which is the other test that's done to assess spotting or bleeding. That's why I shared that option with you, so you know what your options are and can make informed decisions about your care. I think waiting to see is just fine. If it happens again, or gets worse, or if there is any pain, please let me know right away- those are signs of problems. I'm here to help you and baby to be healthy and well. I do not benefit at all from tests or procedures- and I only recommend them when they are appropriate care"

Aside from the fact that it's a mini-essay it feels like a lecture and I REALLY don't appreciate the condescending tone telling me why women hire midwives. Am I over reacting? The rest of what she said is actually reasonable but I think she blew my question out of the water. She knows having an ultrasound is not a decision I take lightly as I don't even use a doppler so why would I run and have one without many markers for need? I was trying to assess if she had offered it for my peace of mind or if we were already at that point where it's needed. Waiting for more bleeding and/or pain makes MUCH more sense to me. To have one now is major overkill. I'm fine!!

I find it quite triggering, like a doctor trying to power trip me. Do I need to change MWs? It's getting so far along and I'm SO busy that stresses me out big time

[HotI]

i would find that wierd. you are not a student, or naive to having children or midwives/homebirth. is it an ass covering exercise (for her to have it in writing what she has told you)? Has she been working as an independent midiwfe long?

i wouldn't necessarily find it that strange in conversation, but to write it all out i do find it wierd.

Have you been able to talk to any women she has birthed with? There were things that i found puzzling about my midwife in pre and post natal appts, but at the birth she was perfect and so 2nd time around i went with her again bc it was at the birth that i wanted someone i could trust and felt safe with.

[meow]

She hasn't been an IM for a long time, only a few years. And I think she's really finding her feet in the current climate as she just moved here a year ago. In her previous state HBs were illegal and she attended freebirths covertly. She's enjoying being open and public here but she's also bogged down by legislation that in some cases can see her facing criminal charges (not just deregulation) if she doesn't play by the rules. Some of these laws just came in in January so are untested and perhaps even the very experienced MWs would be equally antsy at the moment.

I don't know anyone I can ask but I have read online reviews and I know she has a good reputation. On a personal level we get along well and I like her energy. I picture a very positive birth and in many ways I know she's trying to get me the birth I want- especially in putting in the effort to have home appointments (rare for MWs around here) and develop a relationship with my son who has autism so that he can be comfortable around her and be at the birth if he chooses.

I was also thinking that this was one of those cases where the conversation went too far by text. Perhaps it would have been fine IRL and I should just calm down and get over it.

[ladybirdflies]

It sounds like you might have something going on around trust with your midwife, when that trust is broken you start being sensitive and reactive to everything they do. I wonder if you had cleared up how you felt about the Hep A incident whether you would be feeling like this about her text? I would look at this beyond the text and beyond your reaction, you are two people in a relationship that is building and heading toward a birth. You as the client need to be able to be vulnerable and say what you need to say and process what you need to process, she can provide a safe place for you to do this, and you will trust her direction more when she offers you options re your care. My first HB midwife I had this stuff come up around her wanting to hug me everytime she came for an appointment. I talked to friends about it and they thought I was being ridiculous, but I told her how I was feeling and she stood steady in herself and saw me for who I was and the journey I was on. It was not about what I needed to say, it was about us both steeping forward together in our relationship... MY second HB midwife I had lots of different things come up and when I could not express it well my trust for her would wane, if I spoke up she would never take it personally, she would own it and we could move on. THis proved to be incredibly important because after birth I needed to listen to what she was saying, I could trust her and knew I had to take action because I knew her so well.... So the question is, what is needed for you to clear the air for yourself in order to move forward with this person, after that do you need to talk about this with her? If yes, ask her to come around and talk about it soon, don't wait for the next appointment. xx

I hope you get the thrush sorted ASAP Bella. So not fun!

I need help!! I'm so confused and sad and stressed. More crap with my MW When we met this week we didn't talk about the whole issue I had with the way she told me about the hep A I had and we just had a really good appointment. I had known we would need to revisit it again to clear over the whole thing and ensure we had understood each other's point of view and we were communicating well but I figured there was time.

Anyway, so at the appointment I mentioned I had had two very tiny drops of bright blood (smaller than a millimetre). I hadn't had sex in a while but had just moved house and done a hard yoga class and my pelvis was very sore. Then when she was palpitating my tummy to feel baby I had some acute pain on the upper right side. She thought the pain could be digestive wind through my tummy but could also be an issue with an organ (like gall stones) or a contraction, though I didn't feel any signs of a contraction.

So last night she sent me a text to ask how the pain and bleeding was going. I told her I had one more teeny spot of blood the next day but nothing since and the pain seemed to digestive as it happened again after I ate another not quite ripe nectarine but I hadn't had it again. So she replied that if I wanted she could refer me for an ultrasound to check the placenta and if I was having early cervical dilation. I said I really don't think anything is wrong and I'm happy to wait and see if I have any more bleeding and asked "or is the three drops enough to be concerned?".

She replied with this: "It's always up to you to make the decisions that are right for you in your care I'm here as a consultant to you, to listen and provide clinical care and to give you information, and resources and the help support you to keep your pregnancy and birth normal and healthy. Bleeding now at this time in pregnancy can happen on occasion w lovemaking, but is not otherwise normal. It could be many things- many are not a problem, and some could be. I would always let you know if I see something that could be an issue, even if it ends up being just fine. That's why mothers have midwives and doctors adn why we do prenatal care- to keep things normal and healthy as possible and to spot things early when issues arise so we can correct issues early. An ultrasound is the tool used to help identify any issues when a mama has any bleeding in pregnancy. It is less invasive and gives us more information than a vaginal exam, which is the other test that's done to assess spotting or bleeding. That's why I shared that option with you, so you know what your options are and can make informed decisions about your care. I think waiting to see is just fine. If it happens again, or gets worse, or if there is any pain, please let me know right away- those are signs of problems. I'm here to help you and baby to be healthy and well. I do not benefit at all from tests or procedures- and I only recommend them when they are appropriate care"

Aside from the fact that it's a mini-essay it feels like a lecture and I REALLY don't appreciate the condescending tone telling me why women hire midwives. Am I over reacting? The rest of what she said is actually reasonable but I think she blew my question out of the water. She knows having an ultrasound is not a decision I take lightly as I don't even use a doppler so why would I run and have one without many markers for need? I was trying to assess if she had offered it for my peace of mind or if we were already at that point where it's needed. Waiting for more bleeding and/or pain makes MUCH more sense to me. To have one now is major overkill. I'm fine!!

I find it quite triggering, like a doctor trying to power trip me. Do I need to change MWs? It's getting so far along and I'm SO busy that stresses me out big time