school councellor suggests stopping visits

[briggsy's girl]

I wish we could Ali, unfortunately DP's ex wouldn't tell him where the counsellor is located or anything - and now she just doesn't answer her mobile or return calls / messages when DP does call (to say Happy Birthday to his eldest DD last Tuesday...). Sad situation.

in this situation, i'd be trying to arrange mediation through family relationships or something similar - if she doesn't show. you can get a certificate to go to court and fight for access via a court order - if she doesn't comply, she's in contempt of court. if there is REALLY evidence from counsellors, she'll have to provide it at mediation or court to get the orders for her kwim? it's not ideal, but it will at least give you this so-called evidence... i think having you care for you step daughters while their dad works is completely different to Tan's DD being looked after over night by Nan while her dad goes off to visit his GF - if he's a shift worker, and you could work out access weekends to coincide with night shift, at least he'd still have periods during the day that he can spend with them - he's not abandoning them, he's working to provide for them (cos i'm pretty sure he'd still be paying child support even though he doesn't see his kids!!) - very different to running off ALL night for a shag!

[ladybird11]

Ali - I don't believe the counsellor exsists either. The lady shows little interest in the kids at the best of times, so I can't imagine her being pulled away from her social activites to take one of the kids to a counsellor (she can't even get the kids to the immunisation clinic - and have both missed out on their 18mth and 4 yr old shots)....I hope I'm not coming across as overly *****y

Briggsys girl - DP will be going the court line for a parenting order - although with her being pregnant 6-7 mths ish (we've heard) I wonder if she can put proceedings on hold so she doesnt 'stress out' (just to put a spanner in the works)??

Mrsmac - the ex won't even tell DP where the eldest DD is going to school, so unfortunately that option is out.

It's so bizarre how last year (when she had no man and was still living in their 'family' house still being financially dependent on DP for paying the mortgage) she was always saying 'look, they're you're kids too and I'll never let you stop seeing them' - now she has a man she certainly has changed her tune...I know they're always difficult situations with ex's, new families, step kids etc - but it seems so unfair that we genuinely have an interest in the kids and want to see them - and every avenue we have tried say 'well it's up to the mother and what she'll allow'....! So yeah, she's forced our hand to go to court...

[mrsmac]

I would contact the department of Education and tell them the situation. See if they can let you know which school.

[briggsy's girl]

leesa - her pg shouldn't stop interim orders being put in place - if she has this evidence, she has nothing to worry about, if she doesn't, you should be able to get something in place until after her baby is born and she wants to go back to court. they won't disadvantage the children - it's ALL about the children now...

[Lulu]

Leesa, councellor or not I agree that one weekend in 6 isn't enough. You partner needs to see them more and if that means spending mornings with them during the week, or changing jobs or shifts to facilitate more time, it should be done. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. My kids would be heartbroken to see their dad so little.

[ladybird11]

Lulu, we agree - one in six weekends isn't much - but DP wouldn't consider leaving the job he's in, nor would I want him too. Due to the distance between where we live and they live it's impossible to get the eldest girl to school without waking all the kids / babies up at 6am.
I work a day shift in our job and I've offered to look after them so we can have them every third weekend, but DP doesn't want me to - as I'd be busy enough with our one year old, and having a bun on the way.
As one is school age and one is not, he doesn't want to see one - and not the other (as in the morning suggestion) as it wouldn't be fair.
I rarely talk about this troubling situation for fear we'll get bagged for not being able to see the kids enough...But thanks for your opinion.

MrsMac - That may be a darn good idea, contact DECS...I'll pass that onto DP! Tanx!

Briggsy - any idea on how long the orders could take to organise / set up?

[briggsy's girl]

no idea hun - give family relationships advice line a call - they'll get you onto a parenting advisor who will be able to help you with more specifics

[ladybird11]

Great - thanks Briggsy!

[Lulu]

I think its a fair enough statement though, I'm not meaning to bag you, but whatever the situation, trying to maintain a decent relationship with kids with so little time isn't going to be easy.
It must be a fantastic job to want to risk your relationship with your children for it, especially if you know this chick to be a fruit loop (who the hell tells children that their father is dead???). You need to be able to extend your connection with these kids even further so not only do they know that (sick) information is not true, but so they have a sense of normality for at least some of the time.
At the very worst you might have to change your jobs around (hey, I dunno the real circumstances) - and for that you could change so much for these children, you could be the refuge from the crap they must have to deal with on a daily basis. You could be there for them, by just being there.

As much as I hate saying this - I have to give credit to my exH. His wife was a feckin fruit loop, would shack up with anyone, move interstate at the drop of a hat yadda yadda yadda . ExH would travel as far, he would do what he had to, to maintain the consistency with is son, he never wanted him to think that her life was NORMAL and that's what he had to look forward to. I know how precious that time was to SDS, he could relax, he could be himself and as soon as he could - he ran straight to his dads to live for good....and they all lived happily ever after.

I understand I've probably offended the crap out of you, but I don't mean to. You don't have to respond to this, I'm not demanding answers. Just giving you a different perspective.

xoxoxoxo

[tan32]

Hi Ladies just thought id update you as i saw the post again.

Funnily enough i had a long hard talk to exs MUm, she understood where i was coming from and said she was fine as long as she could still see DD.

Well all the fun began again this week.
DD went to visit her Dad and his mum for Christmas, I thought being Christmas its only fair that they have a day with her, well her Dad took her out to the beach for the day. She said she had fun but that Nana and Dad kept telling her to ring me and ask to sleep, she told them no she wasnt allowed to sleep.
Her dad then asked her if she would be allowed to go see his partner, when DD said No he replied "ah well you wont ever get to see your halfsister". WTF.....
Why would you say this to a 10 yr old.


Anyway his Mum called yesterday and spoke to DD and asked what time she could pick her up, when DD said she wasnt coming her Nana replied oh your Dad will be sad though.
Again WTF.

So today she rings again and speaks to me ( i was in the shower yesterday)
I say to her I had this conversation with you and told you she would not be coming anymore, she tells me how EX has improved. WTF he has DD for one day and takes her out and im supposed to see that as improving. I tell her i dont think so. I also tell her that when DD comes to visit they should all keep their mouths shut and just enjoy her instead of the emotional blackmail. I state that if this continues i will stop all contact.

Argggggg I can not believe this family.

a) ex never rings to arrange visists, he gets his MUm too

b) I have spoke to his MUm and she agreed

c) they forget and think i will just let them do what they want.

d) my poor darling DD is suffering and is made to feel guilty for not going to see her Dad.

[Lulu]

It's just not right. Especially after you talked to the mother.

They know what you want, they probably know its the right thing to do, but they want their own way no matter what and will more than likely hassle you and DD until they get sick of it

Does the mother defend her son?? Does she agree with what he does?

[Footsteps]

heres my perspective as a child who doesnt speak to my dad. hes selfish and not there for me but is with my 2 sisters.
he always critises me, and he didnt even contact me on xmas or my 21st birthday. he even got married without tell us till get back from honeymoon..he knows i wont listen to his whinges about how bad my life is...i might be unwell and on morphie - he doesnt care..but i do have a caring,loving dp, a brilliat mother and sisters and brother and adorable nieces and nephews...hes divorced now, his daughters dont really bother with him and i cant stand him.
sorry what im trying to say is she will and i think already does see him for what he is. and she will end up not seeing him at all through his neglect of her...not physically i mean mentally.
she sounds like a bright girl and if this is hurting her id stop her seeing him. hes a div if he cant even spend time with his precious daughter then hes losing out because she will resent and reject him.
hope its gets sorted soon.
love rach xxxxx

[tan32]

Lulu yes Ex Mil defends her son, but she says she doesnt agre with him and has had words with him.

Today i took my daughter around to visit her Nana, I left her alone there for a few hours as the boys were getting restless. First i get a phone call from DD asking if she can sleep the night, I had to say no as she has a dentist appointment tomorrow morning . Then MIl brings her home, and she starts on me asking me if DD is coming over this weekend cause her Dad is sad and misses her, I say no. She says oh he knows the rules now, I tell her he has known the rules for 8 yrs. She then says cant he have a second chance how can he prove himself. I tell her he should have thought about that first, that this is not about a dog or a toy but MY CHILD. I tell her he is a big grown man now same age as me so he can deal with it like i have to. If he wants to discuss it he can contact me. I will talk to ex MIL about her seeing DD but not about ex. He has to grow up and make contact instead of hiding behind his MUmmy.

Grrrrrrrrrr once again what could have and should have been a good day out for my DD gets ruined by silly adults.

[fionas]

I think you did and said absolutely the right thing Tan. It's a shame for MIL because she obviously wants to see her granddaughter and sounds like a decent sort but it's up to your ex to sort out his own access. And he should just get off his butt and do the right thing - he's had long enough to get his act together.

[Lulu]

8 years is chances enough!

[Footsteps]

i agree...8 years of this cr@ap is not fair on your dd or your own family.
i really he grows up soon and bes a man xxx