school councellor suggests stopping visits

[tan32]

My DD has just turned 10, her Dad left us before she turned 2.

I have been lucky enough to remarry a lovely man who has raised DD like his own, he has been with us since she was around 3.

I went to Emmas school councellor at the start of the year as i was concerned about her moods when she was coming home after her weekends with her dad, she would often just start crying over nothing etc. AS it turns out her Dad would end up leaving her with his MUm and go of and spend the night with his partner leaving my DD waiting the next morning for him to return.

Anyway Tuesday the school ring and ask if i can come in for a chat that afternoon. The councillor has suggested/recommended that DD no longer see her dad, she stressed this is something that they normally do not like to do, but my DD has been deeply emotionally hurt and every fortnight she goes to him he hurts her again, she has said this has affected her very deeply, infact she has never seen a child become so upset and continully cry each session, she is not getting better if anything she is becoming worse. For my DDS emotional well being it would be better if she didnt go to her Dads house.

We do not have a court order saying that she has to visit him , infact i have full custody according to child support as he only has her one night a fortnight or month.
So do i just stop her from going and wait to see what he does, then fight him. I have always known my DD gets hurt but just not this badly, he has moved on with his life and left her behind, today is her 10th birthday and he didnt even call her

So where do i go from here, i was thinking of telling his mother that she can come take DD for a visit but she wont be staying anymore.

Tan

[paradise lost]

I would give the counsellor XP's number and letting them break the news of the recommendation, and then follow it up by telling him he needs to either pull his socks up HARD and be a father to her, or step out of her life. The fact that he hasn't even called on her birthday (my XP takes DD's birthdays off work and shows up at 8am to do presents, AND he stays with us on Christmas Eve to be there for Christmas morning....) is very revealing of his interest ATM. Do keep in touch with his mum, it's likely she's quite attached to your DD, especially as she's doing so much of the care.

As an aside WTF! What kind of man can't give up his sex life ONCE A FORTNIGHT for his CHILD?

Bx

[Kitt3n]

oh tan, how awful for your DD.

Mine now rarely goes to visit her dad - she doesnt want to stay the night and she has told him this. This whole year I think she slept there... 3 times?

Is it a very regular thing, or do you always contact each other to confirm? I used to find that I was always chasing up x to see if he was having her - stopped doing that and now we only hear from him every so often. Like your DD, mine comes home upset and says she doesnt want to go there anymore (she hates her step brother).....

Because I now leave it up to him to confirm, she probably goes for a day visit every 4-6 weeks, but doesnt stay overnight. She is much much happier that way.

GL

oh p s- unless he gets a court order to take her, he can't

[briggsy's girl]

get the counsellor to put their recommendation in writing, then arrange mediation with your XP through family relationships au or something similar. get it put in writing via a parenting plan that you are to have 100% custody and WHY so that he can't come back in six months and give you grief.

if you want to get advice that is more technical, contact the family relationships advice line - they have advisors who can look at your actual circs and help you out there. i wouldn't NOT just send your DD as he can cause you all grief as you are "witholding" his child..

[Lulu]

How heartbreaking for you both, its just awful.

Have a chat with DD and let her know she doesn't have to go, let the stupid man fight for visitation (but it doesn't sound like he will - the ahole). Did the councellor give you any help with what to say to her about it?

Will the councellor write a letter giving his recommendation? If so, maybe you can post it off to the mother to explain why you are stopping the visits to HIM, but not her?

Post a picture up of him, then if any BB girls recognize him, they can kick him in the gonads for you xoxoxoxoxo

[paradise lost]

Lulu he chooses to see his partner instead of spending time with his beautiful daughter when he only GETS to see her 20ish times a year. I doubt he even HAS gonads....

Bx

[kelebek]

It sounds like an awful situation & really men need a child responsibility chip implanted sometimes.

My sisters Xp sounds similar, can't decide if he wants to see the kids or not they see his mum more regularly then him.

Anyway... can you speak to the counsellor again? cause I think if you stop all visitation it could cause more grief, could you discuss with the counsellor the pro's & con's of day visits for a few hours, once a month, every few weeks? Does your DD like her xp's mum, could that become a semi regular thing so instead of going with dad & being hurt when she get's dumped her visit is with her grandmother IYKWIM?

I really hope things improve & please give your DD some extra big hugs from us

[Lulu]

Good point Hoobley....hhhmmm

I suppose a pooey nappy to the head might be satisfying if no nuts can be located. Might be worth a kick to check first though.

[AliBaby]

My DD has just turned 10, her Dad left us before she turned 2.

I have been lucky enough to remarry a lovely man who has raised DD like his own, he has been with us since she was around 3.

I went to Emmas school councellor at the start of the year as i was concerned about her moods when she was coming home after her weekends with her dad, she would often just start crying over nothing etc. AS it turns out her Dad would end up leaving her with his MUm and go of and spend the night with his partner leaving my DD waiting the next morning for him to return.

Tan

Can I tell you that EXACTLY the same situation happened to me when I was the same age as your DD. I never saw a counsellor though and I did have a sister 2 yrs older than me that used to come with me to dads.

I used to hate going to dads as we would just go to grandma's house and dad wouldnt spend time with us only his partner at the time. We called her the dragon. She was not nice to us and wouldnt let us play with anything. I will never forget after her marrying my dad she tried to make me call her mum and one night she wouldnt let me go to sleep until I called her mum! What kind of deranged person does that to a child! We saw her pour hot coffee all over my dad once and I really think she had a few screws missing from her brain. (My dad is no longer married to her by the way).

Anyway...we kept seeing dad for weekend visits every second weekend as the court ordered but when we reached high school, my sister and I kind of stopped going. It was easier to say no then as we had things on at friends houses and other commitments so lots of excuses.

it is great that your daughter is opening up to you about what is going on around at her dad's house. You and your partner must be doing a fantastic job raising her.

As for suggestions as to what to do, if you are on speaking terms with your ex, I would say to him that he can take DD out for lunch or to the movies and then drop her home again. Until your DD is comfortable with her dad and he builds some trust back up with her I would not allow them to have her overnight.

It may even be worth giving DD a mobile (one that she can only call your number on) so that she can let you know if she is feeling hassled or something.

I hope this has helped in some way. Big to you and your daughter.

Leesa- get a copy of this in writing from the counsellor or ring the school if its a school counsellor. Both parents have a right to the information.

[ladybird11]

Leesa- get a copy of this in writing from the counsellor or ring the school if its a school counsellor. Both parents have a right to the information.

I wish we could Ali, unfortunately DP's ex wouldn't tell him where the counsellor is located or anything - and now she just doesn't answer her mobile or return calls / messages when DP does call (to say Happy Birthday to his eldest DD last Tuesday...). Sad situation.

[AliBaby]

My ex-stepmum (the dragon) is exactly like that! We didnt see or hear from my half brother for about 6mths as she wouldnt answer phone, etc. Such childish behaviour.

She has probably made up the whole counsellor thing too.

[mrsmac]

I wish we could Ali, unfortunately DP's ex wouldn't tell him where the counsellor is located or anything - and now she just doesn't answer her mobile or return calls / messages when DP does call (to say Happy Birthday to his eldest DD last Tuesday...). Sad situation.

Contact the school, you have a right to have copies of everything the mother gets from the school. We send out copies of reports to all non custodial parents at our school, not via the other parent as they may not give them to them. We also send out newsletters etc too so the non custodial p knows whats happening at the school.

[ladybird11]

Ali - I don't believe the counsellor exsists either. The lady shows little interest in the kids at the best of times, so I can't imagine her being pulled away from her social activites to take one of the kids to a counsellor (she can't even get the kids to the immunisation clinic - and have both missed out on their 18mth and 4 yr old shots)....I hope I'm not coming across as overly *****y

Briggsys girl - DP will be going the court line for a parenting order - although with her being pregnant 6-7 mths ish (we've heard) I wonder if she can put proceedings on hold so she doesnt 'stress out' (just to put a spanner in the works)??

Mrsmac - the ex won't even tell DP where the eldest DD is going to school, so unfortunately that option is out.

It's so bizarre how last year (when she had no man and was still living in their 'family' house still being financially dependent on DP for paying the mortgage) she was always saying 'look, they're you're kids too and I'll never let you stop seeing them' - now she has a man she certainly has changed her tune...I know they're always difficult situations with ex's, new families, step kids etc - but it seems so unfair that we genuinely have an interest in the kids and want to see them - and every avenue we have tried say 'well it's up to the mother and what she'll allow'....! So yeah, she's forced our hand to go to court...

[mrsmac]

I would contact the department of Education and tell them the situation. See if they can let you know which school.

[Lulu]

Leesa, councellor or not I agree that one weekend in 6 isn't enough. You partner needs to see them more and if that means spending mornings with them during the week, or changing jobs or shifts to facilitate more time, it should be done. I wouldn't be happy with that at all. My kids would be heartbroken to see their dad so little.

[ladybird11]

Lulu, we agree - one in six weekends isn't much - but DP wouldn't consider leaving the job he's in, nor would I want him too. Due to the distance between where we live and they live it's impossible to get the eldest girl to school without waking all the kids / babies up at 6am.
I work a day shift in our job and I've offered to look after them so we can have them every third weekend, but DP doesn't want me to - as I'd be busy enough with our one year old, and having a bun on the way.
As one is school age and one is not, he doesn't want to see one - and not the other (as in the morning suggestion) as it wouldn't be fair.
I rarely talk about this troubling situation for fear we'll get bagged for not being able to see the kids enough...But thanks for your opinion.

MrsMac - That may be a darn good idea, contact DECS...I'll pass that onto DP! Tanx!

Briggsy - any idea on how long the orders could take to organise / set up?

[briggsy's girl]

I wish we could Ali, unfortunately DP's ex wouldn't tell him where the counsellor is located or anything - and now she just doesn't answer her mobile or return calls / messages when DP does call (to say Happy Birthday to his eldest DD last Tuesday...). Sad situation.

in this situation, i'd be trying to arrange mediation through family relationships or something similar - if she doesn't show. you can get a certificate to go to court and fight for access via a court order - if she doesn't comply, she's in contempt of court. if there is REALLY evidence from counsellors, she'll have to provide it at mediation or court to get the orders for her kwim? it's not ideal, but it will at least give you this so-called evidence... i think having you care for you step daughters while their dad works is completely different to Tan's DD being looked after over night by Nan while her dad goes off to visit his GF - if he's a shift worker, and you could work out access weekends to coincide with night shift, at least he'd still have periods during the day that he can spend with them - he's not abandoning them, he's working to provide for them (cos i'm pretty sure he'd still be paying child support even though he doesn't see his kids!!) - very different to running off ALL night for a shag!