I appreciate everyone's advice. I think I will leave DS1 at childcare. I feel it might be too much emotionally to handle - especially being one of his friends (as opposed to an elderly person where its a more natural thing to explain). And also that I won't be there to answer follow uo questions.
It might be different if he saw her more, he wasn't in childcare and if we'd been to other funerals but even I've only been to 2 funerals in ny life (and they were 11 & 15 years ago) and the first one was actually my nana's (i was really close to too) who funeral is at the same place as this little girl- so with the crap year I'm having and being taken back there- I could be a little extra emotional.
But I do love the idea of doing something special with DS1 to farewell her...we get lots of butterflies in our yard- so i might try to catch one for him to release.
I would bring them. As long as they were quiet and respectful and you told them how you expect them to act at the funeral and how it's a special place to be quiet like in a library etc....
I just wanted to say I am deeply sorry for your friend's loss that is just so so horrific, i couldn't imagine losing my daughter and she was so little what cancer was it if you don't mind me asking?
I don't have an issue with exposing kids to death or funerals, but a child's funeral is different. I would not take them. Also it may be too difficult for the parents. We had a no children rule at the twins funeral.
Shanti - It could possibly be too much to to expect a 2 and 4 year old to sit still through something they would consider boring..
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that is just so so horrific, i couldn't imagine losing my daughter and she was so little 
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