So true. I know I've been feeling bitter and cynical lately. Hanging out on a pregnancy and birth site on a daily basis probably isn't helping. I've had to stand back and realise if someone is posting what I think is insensitive or stupid doesn't necessarily mean they're being insensitive or stupid. It's just that my experience has influenced how I see the world of conception. Just because I wish people would stop creating drama out of nothing doesn't mean that in their world, things aren't dramatic.

As much as we want a live baby, I'd rather skip the horror of pregnancy. The daily dread that something will go wrong and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The meltdowns, the trying to stay optimistic even though optimism won't make a sick baby healthy. The knowledge of how many ways a baby can die before and after birth and that there is no safe time, ever. That informing family of another pregnancy won't be some cute, whimsical, lovey dovey situation. It will be a time of trepidation and hope and some judgement. Knowing that there can be a heartbeat on a scan today and a dead baby tomorrow, that the NT or morph scan can show a healthy baby and that they can still die. Planning the baby's funeral before they're born.

Not daring to buy anything for the baby in case that jinxes things. Not being able to relate to hopeful pregnant women who plan baby showers, assuming the stuff will actually get used. Having a very small population of other 'damaged' women who can relate to the terror and wondering if it's possible to, 1) get pregnant again after all this stress and grief, 2) survive another pregnancy with my sanity intact and 3) survive another baby death or possibly plan a double funeral next time.

The sense of failure is enormous. Not just loss of my beautiful babies, but the loss of the family we'll never have. That I have failed as a woman to create healthy babies? My number one purpose in life a great big failure.

So yeah, I'd say conception trauma is very real. Thanks for writing this post.