Conception Trauma

[nothing2lose]

We hear a lot about birth trauma but Ive been thinking lately about conception trauma.

Whether it be through real LTTTC (I'm talking years), repeated ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), recurrent miscarriage, or TTC after late loss, trying soooo hard to conceive when the rest of the world seems to fall pregnant so easily can be traumatic.

There are the highly invasive, painful tests and procedures making the whole thing feel so medicalised and sterile. In my case, for instance, I have had literally dozens and dozens of painful interal ultrasounds, biopsies, injections, internal examinations, surgeries.....Having doctor after doctor with their hands up you, poking and prodding and pushing when it hurts so much it takes your breath away, youre at your most vulnerable and all you can do is keep your eyes on the prize which, for the most part, feels like you're never going to get.

Then there's the hundreds of injections, medications, supplements, revolting pessaries and gels, artificial hormones, blood thinners, thyroid medication, insulin, whatever...It all makes you feel horrible. Bloating, nausea, emotional, crampy, headachy, dizzy.....None of it is pleasant.

Perhaps the worst thing...The emotions of inferility or inability to carry a child to term. Feeling broken and barren, not like a real woman. Failure after failure. It becomes your single focus to the detriment of your relationships, your career, your sense of who you are. You lose yourself because all you can think of is getting that elusive BFP and carrying to term. The endless cycle of hope and disappointment is utterly exhausting.

For women who go through this getting a BFP is only a small part of the journey. I can only go by what I have read because i have never had a BFP on this journey, but it seems to me that BFPs bring with them a new lot of things to worry and obsess about. The path to a BFP has been so long and painful, relaxing at this point is impossible. For those who have suffered late loss or recurrent miscarriage, daring to even think about bringing home a live baby seems beyond comprehension.

How do you recover from this stuff? It changes you forever. Whether you end up with a child at the end or not. It's traumatic. I dont think people realise just how traumatic and life changing it is.

I haven't written this very well because I am tired, and I don't even know what the point is. I guess I just want people to know just how friggen hard this journey is for women like me. It makes you bitter and angry. And spent. It's traumatic.

[Joeve]

I love this post thank you for writing it. I am traumatized by it all. You are right the bfp is amazing but the excitement quickly gives way to a host of those horrible fears, doubts and anxiety. I am living it now.

[PumpkinZulu]

Thank you for writing this N2L

[Lily Dust]

I personally think you have written in perfectly . I am sure that you have articulated what some of us feeling down to a T! I am also traumatised. I will never be the innocent 21 year old TTC again. I will never have a pregnancy I am not terrified of losing and thanks to HG we will never think about TTC without absolute terror. After miscarrying our first bub we never got to experience the joy and exhiliration of a 'first' pregnancy. Instead it was fear, worry and too many tears.

I never realised how deep those scars of LTTTC and long term ART would run, thinking that once I was pregnant it would all be over, how wrong was I!?! What I do have to say is that thanks to LTTTC and IVF for is that whilst I am a different whilst deeply scarred person, I AM a mother, person and wife who would have been very different if I hadnt walked a long hard journey with the person I love, felt every needle, ultrasound, egg collection, laparoscopy and watched everyone fall pregnant but me. It changes you but sometimes at the end of it all you realise the few things it 'allowed' you to become too. N2L Ive watched your journey and I hope with all my heart that your baby is just around the corner

[briggsy's girl]

i dont honestly know if you do recover. something inside of me is different to what it was before we started this path

[Maruschke]

I agree with BG, not sure you ever recover. Big hugs N2L... I know those of us with kids have "the prize" but we still share the pain with you.

[LionsandBears]

So true. I know I've been feeling bitter and cynical lately. Hanging out on a pregnancy and birth site on a daily basis probably isn't helping. I've had to stand back and realise if someone is posting what I think is insensitive or stupid doesn't necessarily mean they're being insensitive or stupid. It's just that my experience has influenced how I see the world of conception. Just because I wish people would stop creating drama out of nothing doesn't mean that in their world, things aren't dramatic.

As much as we want a live baby, I'd rather skip the horror of pregnancy. The daily dread that something will go wrong and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The meltdowns, the trying to stay optimistic even though optimism won't make a sick baby healthy. The knowledge of how many ways a baby can die before and after birth and that there is no safe time, ever. That informing family of another pregnancy won't be some cute, whimsical, lovey dovey situation. It will be a time of trepidation and hope and some judgement. Knowing that there can be a heartbeat on a scan today and a dead baby tomorrow, that the NT or morph scan can show a healthy baby and that they can still die. Planning the baby's funeral before they're born.

Not daring to buy anything for the baby in case that jinxes things. Not being able to relate to hopeful pregnant women who plan baby showers, assuming the stuff will actually get used. Having a very small population of other 'damaged' women who can relate to the terror and wondering if it's possible to, 1) get pregnant again after all this stress and grief, 2) survive another pregnancy with my sanity intact and 3) survive another baby death or possibly plan a double funeral next time.

The sense of failure is enormous. Not just loss of my beautiful babies, but the loss of the family we'll never have. That I have failed as a woman to create healthy babies? My number one purpose in life a great big failure.

So yeah, I'd say conception trauma is very real. Thanks for writing this post.

[Arcadia]

It's threads like this that make me love BB. You are all amazing, inspiring, strong women, who are forever changed by your experiences and you're not afraid to share it.

[TaRhLi.]

N2L I think you expressed it perfectly.

The journey we all take to get that longed for baby does affect you and for the lucky ones who manage to get those longed for babies it will never changed. I remember when DD was born (after 1 fresh and 3 previous FET's) I still couldn't come to terms that this child was mine and was waiting for "someone" to come and take her away.

Even now looking at my 3 miracles I cannot actually believe I am their mother, and hearing the words mummy still feels strange. I think in a way we become so protective of our hearts and heads that embracing the whole experience is too scary to consider, I know I always feel like I'm still waiting for everything to be taken away from me IYKWIM.

[RhiChiChi]

N2L, I don't think you could have written your post any better TBH. I totally agree with everything you posted. Its so sad that there are so many of ((hugs))

[Lenny]

Oh N2l. You are right. But it's not 'nice' to say it, really is it? It's not something people want to hear. I think the general population is oblivious, and in a way that's good for them. Whilst i do suffer pangs of envy towards those with very simple, straight forward TTC and pgs, i think the only way you can understand is to walk it - and i don't wish anyone to walk it, if they don't have to. I guess they have their own scars and traumas too.

It's a horrible thought, all the invasive proddings and pokings that you must have endured. And then injecting stuff into you which is just making it awful and so far far removed from that instense moment of beautiful passionate baby-making sexual encounter that some of us thought actually happened.

How can it not be life-changing? It will scar you forever. You are doing well to just feel angry and bitter at times. It must impact on every single part of your life.

L&B - It's seems too cruel and wrong that your two darling boys aren't living. And then to have to endure comments and have to rise above them? I can't begin to imagine how hard your next pregnancy will be, i doubt there is anyone who can. Traumatic doesn't seem enough. You have the strength of a lion and a bear.

[juniper76]

I couldn't agree more with all of the posts above. I know how hard our journey has been and it breaks my heart that so many wonderful people go through even worse.

I'm not the same person I was when we started TTC 5.5 years ago and I will never be that person again. All I can do is try to learn the lessons and make the person I am now the best she can possibly be (which I'm not doing too well at right now, to be honest).

[Keta]

I have tears reading your post N2L.
I have felt so guilty since getting pregnant because when I have tried to express my fear no one has 'got it'. I got off lucky in many way, yes it was two years but so far it looks like it has worked. The problem is I fear the good can't last. I'm so use to being told no that I am having trouble accepting this BFP. A positive is that even throwing up into a bag as I find a safe place to pull the car over has been met with excitement but I am saddened that the few people I have told the news hasn't come out like I had hoped (I'm pregnant, but don't get excited). Because of this I can only assume that those with deeper scars must struggle so much and it must be so hard when those around them expect happiness and excitement, but fear and anxiety are stronger. Trusting your body after such an experience is difficult.
The trauma of ltttc is often brushed over and feelings are not validated. It is an uncomfortable topic and unless you have walked the path I think it is impossible to understand the grief, fear, anger and a multitude of other emotions that are experienced (generally within one cycle). An innocence is taken when falling pregnant naturally doesn't happen.

[briggsy's girl]

N2L, i've been thinking more about this post this afternoon, and i agree - you've said it beautifully. you don't need to be eloquent or perfect when you're pouring your heart into something. you've said what you were thinking, and obviously far too many of us understand what you're saying.

It changes you but sometimes at the end of it all you realise the few things it 'allowed' you to become too.

This is very true. I'm not the same person i was 7 years ago, when we started out on this journey - but the changes i've been through aren't necessarily all bad...



L&B - massive hugs. i don't have words - just hugs. i wish no one ever had to experience your pain. ever.

[MummyNaomi]

Beautifully put N2L - I think the TTC journey leaves a legacy, some things good, some things not so good, and it's not something you can ever forgot even when you have a baby in your arms or in your belly.

I don't think I will ever not cringe when I hear someone announce how they 'got pregnant first time" or "my husband has super sperm" or "all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Comments like this make me shake with rage and jealousy inside. I have watched a number of close friends (all IVF'ers) simply fall apart as their dreams are repeatedly crushed time and time again. It truly is the cruellest thing in the world to a woman who has a maternal urge/need/want to have a child.

However on the flip side, many of my Mummy friends are in fact IVF Mummy's and this journey has brought us together, and they are the most inspirational, supportive and amazing woman I know, and their friendships have made me a better person, totally privilidged to share their journey.

But I hear ya - it leaves a legacy .....

[myturn]

I cannot imagine ever being 'normal' again .... But as DH has a daughter I feel a bit like nothing we do on this ttc journey is ever a real 'first' or 'normal'.... It all sucks. It is post traumatic and long term grief that's for sure

wish a real one of those could take away the pain for you xxx

[MLR1901]

Thank you for putting into words how many women feel, including myself.
It just really blows my mind that in this day and age, Dr's still don't know what causes miscarriages. Surely investigating earlier would reduce impact on the persons going through it, the medical system, and the 'myths' associated with miscarriage, pregnancies and birthing will change. Not only those changes but education to girls earlier about understanding their cycles so that Dr's can take their health information seriously, and use it to empower females toward their decisions and TTC.
A part of me feels robbed of the innocence and miracle of conception, pregnancy and birthing.
Right now, I feel like its a cruel joke, and I swear of I get told I have to experience a 3rd loss, I will do it to prove a point to be taken seriously and use it as an example to boycott our government to change whatever 'law' or rule that was decided for a women to endure 3 losses!!
Oh I'm getting angry now!
But again thank you N2L, xxxx

[*beannaithe*]

Oh sweetie, just wanna send you out some giant big squishy , this thread has made me cry.

I honestly thought that once/if I ever managed to get that elusive BFP, I would be instantly healed of everything and the pain would miraculously go away. But even now, with such a short amount of time to go for us, I still cannot let myself believe that this is real and is actually happening to us. I am still waiting for something to go wrong. I think the whole LTTTC journey gears us up to expect the worse and it becomes so ingrained into our beings that when a miracle does happen, you spend the entire time on tenterhooks, waiting for that worst to happen. Because our own personal life experiences make us expect that.
I thought the pregnancy announcements would stop ripping at my heart but nope, still happens. I hate that certain people seem to take it for granted, that it is their given right to be able to have a family of any size when they choose to and I can't help but shake my head and wonder if they ever stop and think how incredibly lucky they are that to have a family is just a given.

I do know that our journey has most definitely made DH and my relationship a lot stronger but its either make or break really, isn't it? And I am so grateful that we have had each other during the process as the loneliness of the whole journey really did blow me away. I wish there was some way of making people understand just how traumatising it is, but unless they have been there, they will never, ever have ANY clue. I have people close to me who think that, because they have seen DH and I go through it, they understand. WTF? I don't think so.

Anyhow, I am rambling here. Your post was beautifully written chick, and it was like you plucked the words straight out of my head.
More hugs coming your way XXX