Coping with other people's pgs

[Alex]

Hi all,

I am having a really hard time coping with other people's pgs. To be totally honest I am fed up with smiling and saying 'congratulations, I am so happy for you!', because, I am not at all happy, I am really peed off as it makes me feel so much worse. I know I should be happy, but I am most definately not.

My best friend lives overseas and has just sent an email (a group email), she's 7 months pg and says how she is huge and how she feels really uncomfortable. Now, I am delighted that she is pg, honestly. But I do not need to hear how uncomfortable she is.

A family member is due in a few weeks and I am dreading having to see the baby. She's not a close family member so I am sure I won't have to see her much, but the family gatherings for the new born are going to be excruciating for me. My mother in law showed me an item she had bought for the new baby and I just thought, 'why are you showing me?', I tried as hard as I could not to cry. I am totally devastated that I can't have a baby. The friend that is pg hadn't even met her husband when we started trying, now she's divorced, married, and pg.

Sorry for going on, but I had to get this out. It's eating away at me. I am so fed up with having to be happy for everyone, yet it isn't OK for me to be upset or feel so crap about my problems.

Any advice would be welcomed!

[butterfly_warrior]

Alex, I wish I had something helpful to say!

I've been blessedly free of pregnancies in the family since we started TTC, but I've been through many at church... The only way for me to cope is to avoid the morning services where there tends to be all the families with young children and only go in the evenings. I feel a bit of a dinosaur at times, but it is helping.

I did however, completely cut contact with one friend... I'd known her from our school days and I got the news from her that she'd conceived first cycle the same day AF arrived after our first cycle. It seemed every single milestone I was informed of in her pregnancy coincided with us getting more bad news - the PCOS, the varicocole... and every email would have scan pictures attached... it was heartbreaking! I still haven't told her what we're going through, and I have decided that if she was too thick to realise that I was hurting from the strange and peculiar way I was responding, then I really don't want her to know... she hasn't contacted me since the birth of her son, either.

I just want you to know that you are not alone - I'm not sure there's any easy way to deal with it. Do you think you could tell your MIL how much it is hurting you? I know it's not that easy as I'm going to have to tell my mother just how much it hurts when I'm trying to tell her how the IVF process is going and she continually changes the subject to talk about my nephew...

Sorry for no answers, just lots of empathy and sympathy and the knowledge that you are far from alone in feeling this.

BW

[LisaC]

Hi Alex,

Sending a big hug your way I understand completely what you are going through. I had posted a thread on the exact same thing about 2 weeks ago!

DH and I are at the age now where all of our friends and family are falling pregnant. Over the 26 months of us TTC, there have been in excess of 12 pregnancies.... 2 in the last week!! It hurts.... Its not fair.... and it IS hard to put on a smile to congratulate people when all you want to do is cry and say "why is it not our turn???"

Apart from the fact that we are babyless and that we want it sooo bad... having to watch somebody else go through a pregnancy... and birth... hurts just as much if not more!

I cannot offer any great advice, otherwise I would have taken it myself!!, but as BW had said, you are far from alone and we understand completely as we are faced with the same agony day in, day out.

All the best Alex

[sazzafrazz]

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with what you all have said. I have not found an easy way to deal with these situations and feelings and I dont think there is one. I am going through the same thing at the moment with my brother's wife pg. They have a 4 1/2 year old and have had a m/c inbetween which I am sorry about but it doesnt stop me feeling jealous and angry that they are pg and I still am not. We have been trying since before they even met!!! I have 2 friends who conceived first try / accidentally the same time we started trying so I have constant reminders how long we have been trying too. I have gone through stages with my reactions to others pgs. I have been sad, angry, dissillusioned, self pittying, the list is endless. But, each stage has passed and my feelings have toned down a little now. Yes, I am sad when I think of what they have and I dont but I am no longer angry about it. I guess I just get angry about the way other people handle the situation around me rather than the fact that there are pgs all around. I also realise many people dont know details about our troubles and many are just doing what they hope is the right thing and not trying to hurt us. They are probably feeling uncomfortable about the situation. My Best F hurt my feelings a little when talking about another IVF girl she knows and her reactions to others pgs. I think she just doesnt realise the impact it has on us so I told her so. I think sometimes it is usefull to be frank about these things because at least can prevent future hurtful/awkward situations for yourself and others. I wish I could take my own advice when it comes to my family!!!
Good luck.
Sazz

[Alex]

Thanks girls. It is so hard and I know that on BB, there are so many people in a similar situation. In fact, a friend of ours has just called, and in the conversation happened to say that they have to get up early in the morning to prepare for a birthday party, it transpired that he was talking about his daughter's 2nd birthday, to which they've only invited people who have kids. I was pretty offended, but didn't say anything. Would we have been upset if we had been invited and had to be surrounded by kids, and felt that we couldn't say 'no', or is it worse that we've not been invited??? I don't know, I would probably have been offended either way, that's how I am feeling at the moment.

There's also a lot of uncertainty in our lives at the moment as my DH's job isn't secure at the moment, and we are saving for another round of icsi, hopefully starting in 4 or 5 weeks. Also we're having to use the polscope, which is more cost, and a few other line items have been ticked by the FS, so this time it's going to be more expensive than the other 2 times.

Plus, I gave up work to try and de-stress in the hope that I could conceive, albeit AC. And to top it all off, my father in law is in hospital and is quite seriously ill. So de-stressing and relaxing and only worrying about ironing is out of the window!

Why is this happening to us??????

[sazzafrazz]

Hugs Alex,
I know how you feel about the birthday party thing, I get that all the time. Friends who always get together because they have kids and we dont get invited, also the b/d parties "for kids". So, are we supposed to only hang out with people TTC?????? If you are a grandparent you should only party with others who's children have reproduced??? While it is really hard attending these things and sometimes we might want to say no, we DO want to be invited!!! How hard it it going through all this AC stuff? Man, it sucks in so many ways!
Hope things get less stressful for you soon so you only have to worry about ironing!
Sazz

[briggsy's girl]

Alex hun, i wish there was a reason that some of us are going through so much ***** at the moment! at least if there was an expantaion for why we've had so many things compound together , it might make more sense. i'm sending you massive cyber hugs and really hope your FIL is doing OK.

on the coping with pg's thing - i don't think there's a magical answer to that one (i so wish there was!) - like you, i'm in the age group where everyone is having children - we've just gone through a period of 4 monhs where 15 friends/family had babies - and it kills me every time i think about how more than a couple of them were unplanned. we want this so much, and we just keep finding out the next person is pg, and yet we're getting absolutely nowhere. i wish there was a way to protect myself from feeling so hurt - it's not they're fault, but it feels like the world is ganging up on us, and i hate it!

you're not alone in being excluded from things because you don't have children - i've found even my brother has started having seperate parties for his kids - their friends/family that have kids are invited, and we're not - we get a "dinner" with the kids - like they're gonna enjoy a "dinner" as much as their party! - and it makes me feel like there is something seriously wrong with me and that no one wants to be around us - it's not like infetility is contagious FFS!

hun, i'm sorry i can't offer you a definitive answer on how to cope with this - and you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling - i'm sending you massive hugs hun - we're here for you hun. hope things get better for you soon

[Alex]

I suppose people are pretty insensitive and they obviously don't think about their actions and how it might upset us. We had actually bought a couple of presents for their daughter and now I wish we hadn't bothered. Not that it is the child's fault, but I feel like they don't want to include us in their lives now, like BG, "it's not contagious"!!!! This friend was our best man, DH and him have been friends for 20 years!

Right now I feel like it will never happen for us, and as time goes on, we are now the last of our friends to not be pg or have kids. So I feel that we are totally alone. I feel like moving away completely and starting again, not that anywhere else would be any different. We're like the strange people who don't have a family.

Today I was with my nieces, the 8 year old said that when I have kids I am going be so organised as I know what to do already! She is so gorgeous and hit the nail on the head. when we started TTC, we got really excited, of course, like everyone else thought that in 9 months time we'd be having a baby, and talked about different prams etc. We have everything chosen in our minds, the pram, cot etc. we've looked after our nieces, are both dab hands at changing nappies, strollers on escalators, baby formula, etc. etc. but no baby.

Someone has definately got it in for us, that's how it feels.

I'm just waiting for the lightning bolt...

[satya]

Hi Alex,

I know how you feel. It's incredibly hard to deal with this at times. Just a little background on me so you will see that I really do understand. When I was married we ttc for 8.5 years. We had one short lived pg in that time (after 3 years of trying) and that was with the use of clomid. We had unexplained infertility. I now have a new partner and we have been ttc for almost 12 months & just had an early m/c.

I can't tell you how many friends and family have announced their pregnancies over all those years of me ttc..... endless amounts. And most of them got pregnant quickly and had no issues whatever throughout their pregnancies. I went through stages where I'd go to visit a newborn in hospital or when it had just got home and have to use every bit of strength within me to not cry in front of the new mum & dad. I'd get back to the car and burst into floods of tears. It just didn't seem fair.

My ex and I did used to get invited to our close friends kids birthday parties and I found them incredibly hard to deal with so maybe it might be better not to get invited to them. Sometimes we'd go but other times I just couldn't face them. These days my DF has a 4 yo daughter so there are kids birthdays galore to go to and somehow I have learnt to manage attending them. Maybe the fact that I'm now a stepmum has released the pressure a little.... I just don't know.

In my office right now there are two pregnant women. One who keeps to herself and the only way we knew she was pg was when she started to show and one who does nothing but talk about being pg - she told me she was pg even on like day 28 of her cycle - she hadn't even taken a test yet. She knows how hard I've tried over the years and I found this incredibly insensitive. Every day I have had to hear things about her being pg. Every now and then she'll say something like - it will be you next.... I'm sick of hearing it.

I'm now seeing pg women everywhere I go.... I feel pangs of jealousy whenever I see them. My DF reckons it's a good sign as I was seeing them everywhere the month that we got pg. I've also seen several newborns in shopping centres recently. I just feel it's a sign that I'm getting obsessed about the whole TTC thing.

I've been chatting in the ttc after m/c area but I think it might be time to move myself over into here. I just wasn't too sure if all my old ttc counts, but when I think about it, it most certainly does. I need to be among women who understand.

Keep your chin up, there's probably heaps of us feeling exactly the same as you do, you are not alone.

[Alex]

Thanks everyone for replying. I know we are all in a similar situation, it's frightening how many people are.

Satya - seeing new borns in shopping centres. Yesterday, in the shopping centre, I saw 3! I have never seen such tiny babies in shopping centres before, so maybe this is a good sign? But it certainly brings it home that it's not happening for us.

I just wish our friends, who are supposed to be close, could talk to us, instead of hiding things and then blurting them out by accident, like the party. My DH thinks it's his friends wife who is being awkward, but I'm not so sure.

[Ellie]

Hi Girls
I'm so glad I stubbled across this thread...I was starting to think I was alone in this 'battle of the preg's'. My DH and I have been TTC for 8 years and have always got through all the preg announcements and births by removing ourselves from it all...how horrible am I??? I have been to a hospital once to see a new born and that was my niece and the only reason I was able to go was because I'd set myself a goal...my sis in law had announced the preg by phoning me on my birthday...'the news' was my present...so she said? Anyways...so I set this goal to lose 20kg before the birth...and I did it! I hadn't seen any of the family for about 2 month before the birth so when I walked into the hospital I felt this amazing sense of achievement and 'control' and their jaws dropping was pretty cool...then I held the little one...and I felt every eye in the room on me...in that moment I realised it didn't make any difference at all...I still felt their pity..and that's what I hate!
So my side of the family has been fine as my bro hasn't had kids...only just moved in with his girlfriend...then...wouldn't you know it...the day I got home from hospital after my lap in dec he phoned to tell me they'd 'had an accident'...I'm thinking car accident...but no...they're pregnant! That was my breaking point! To cut a really long story short...his announcement has been the catalyst for me to finally say how I feel...instead of doing wha't expected and saying all the right things...self preservation now...my folks never stop talking about the 'grandchild'...my mum even sent me an email telling me how they 'expect' me to support my brother and keep 'my issues' to myself...so I let her have it...of course I will support my brother but I will not discuss anything with any of them about our journey any more...they just don't get it....then to top it all off...I have referred 6 girls at work to my clinic and they all have babies...two of them have there second already!!!!! The last two just finished up at the end of the school term...the same time I would have been finishing if our last little one had hung around...
anyways...I'm going on and on...but I did send all my family and friends a link to a support site that has this amazing video called 'empty arms'...am I allowed to share other sites here?...anyways...the emails I have had back from people after them watching it has been great...so I'm sorry I've got little to offer other than grumbles...I'm just so over peoples insensitivity!!!! I am going to write a book..."How to win friends and influence people - the ferility version!!!!!"

[shellshell]

((sorry this is a little off topic))

In my office right now there are two pregnant women. One who keeps to herself and the only way we knew she was pg was when she started to show and one who does nothing but talk about being pg - she told me she was pg even on like day 28 of her cycle - she hadn't even taken a test yet. She knows how hard I've tried over the years and I found this incredibly insensitive. Every day I have had to hear things about her being pg. Every now and then she'll say something like - it will be you next.... I'm sick of hearing it.

Hmm... did the first one conceive after a struggle and/or m/c?? She seems a lot more sensitive about the issue, or perhaps even afraid that something will go wrong again so she's not trying to get too excited about it. This happened to my BF (best friend). She conceived after a m/c and was silent at work (to almost everyone) about her p/g for ages - which was in contrast to her first p/g (which m/c) which she told many people about in the early months. Or perhaps she is just a quiet girl normally.

[Violet Star]

I know the empty arms link! Im planning on sending that one on.

im at the stage where family are all younger than us no babies thankfully. I had to endure a friend falling pregnant, we went to their early announcement. She was so full of herself, there were many other issues with her and our friendship so I had a big toxic friend clearout. It was the best thing I did. I still knew about her journey because of forums and a mutal friend etc. She is pretty full on and I knew I couldnt handle that and now even after her baby, Ive heard back she is still up to her old tricks and other things are now more important.
A woman at work had her baby, and even though I didnt know her for long, have seen her come back, had the cuddles and it made me want this even more. Her baby is just beautiful and just like a doll out a magazine! this baby would make anyone clucky. So in a sense I have no idea why I could actual handle the physical contact there at all.
Yet other days just knowing other people are falling pregnant, absolutely hurts me, makes me feel so damn useless and go into the why me situation and how evil I must have been in a previous life.

Your are not alone at all xoxo

[india44]

I am having one of those months :-( one of hubbys best mates just had a baby boy, our baby that we mc would be due this week, we get a phone call from his other mate in th Uk to say that he and wife had gone for scan and BOTH babies were doing well. We didnt even know they were pregnant. We then rang to tell his mum about friends she said of i Hope the news of twins doesnt over shadow other mates pregnancy ( didnt know that one either). SO one baby born, 3 to come , ours not coming and the girl I worked with who was due the same time as me gave birth last week,
I am all smiled out so I understand. I know our itme will come but its just so hard.

[Alex]

"All smiled out" I like that expression, it's perfect!

Every time I see or hear of a friend's/family pg I try and tell myself that I should be happy for them as when it's my turn I want people to be happy for me. And how I would be upset if someone else was going through what I'm going through at the moment and was not happy for me. On the other hand, I will be understanding, and won't expect everyone to coo and ahh!

With the cost of ivf it's not always easy, but I find retail therapy helps, even if it's just a book to read!

[expat]

Hi Alex,

I just want to send you a big pinch of baby dust and hope for the best for you. I have 2 close friends (2 couples) who are long term TTC and it's tough for them to spend time with me sometimes with my watermelon. From the other side of the fence, I have to say that I find myself feeling guilty for being pregnant (which I know is stupid) when I have friends who would give anything to have a shot.

It's always the way that when you want something and can't/don't have it, you notice everyone else who has it, whether it be a nice car, blue eyes, happy marriage...whatever it might be it's just one of those sucky realities.

Let people around you know that it's not a topic you want to talk about and they WILL be more sensitive to you. Sometimes it's just that they don't realise or feel like if they act like nothing's going on that you'll feel 'normal' and not feel singled out.

It's hard I'm sure, and I wish you all the best.

[Frangipani]

It is really comforting to know I am not alone in feeling disappointed and angry whenever I hear a friend or family member announces they are pregnant. I work with a lot of customers, and regularly see pregnant women, i'm starting to find that i become rather rude and snappy when i have to serve them. I feel bad for feeling this, but after almost 3 years of trying, 4 unsuccessful AIH's, 1 miscarriage at 6 weeks and today found out that the ICSI we attempted failed, I just can't help the way I feel. And the most annoying part is that 1 family member, who 'accidently' got pregnant a couple of years ago (her child is 2 now), is now pregnant again, once again unplanned and she can barely look after baby number 1. It just makes me mad. Well now it's back to the waiting game, still have 1 frozen egg to go. Fingers crossed. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Feeling a little better now.