DF having second thoughts....

[jules30]

Well after 2 years of ttc and then a recent confirmation that ivf was the only way, we get this far which is 2 FS appointments and at the stage that we are ready to go. And DF now doesn't know if he really wants kids!!

Im a strong believer in only having a child with a partner who is willing. I dont know what to do or how to feel now. To be honest he is quite an angry person and gets annoyed very easily so maybe a good idea that he doesnt have kids...

I love him but i dont know how to deal with this.

[kyles68]

Hi Jules

I read your thread and just had to reply. My DH and I have been TTC for 5 years and I have tried clomid and IUI and up until late last year I never wanted to try IVF. My DH stated that he did not think I was trying hard enough and even threatened to leave at one stage. I was the one that kept trying to say "how long do we keep trying" and he was the one that said he would always want kids and to give it a go.

I made my decision and after having a laporoscopy last week am hoping to start IVF in feb this year. I feel that maybe your DF is just finding it all too much to cope with - this is also what is probably making him angry.

It might be worth having a talk to a counsellor at your IVF clinic - I know that we are going to as there are so many issues that we need to sort out. I am going to Pivet in Wembley - not sure which clinic you have been to but sure they will be able to help.

Kyles

[Jesswith6]

I agree with Kyles, go and see a counsellor and have a chat, they might be able to suggest something else.

All I can think of is that your DF is scared of going through the IVF system and having it fail...good luck hun

[Lissie]

Hi Jules,

I totally agree with the counselling issue. Then if he still does not want kids thats okay - but what about you. Don't forget that if you give up something as huge as this you may recent him one day for doing so. I am not saying he is right or you are right i'm just saying also don't forget that what you want is important too. Wanting a child is something so natural to most women and there is no turn off switch. Good luck - but i think you will find he is thinking this all too much - too invasive etc - the counselling may get to the bottom of it. Wishing you only the best.

[satya]

I think it's very common for people going through fertility issues to change their mind along the way (more likely to be the man). Mostly though, they change their mind again. I think it's the stress of all the appointments, the disappointments and the financial cost involved that does it. Counselling probably is a good idea. By the way I was told that I had to head to IVF (mostly because of my age 41 and m/c's) but I conceived this one without any assistance at all. You just never know what's ahead of you in this TTC game.

[Laranna]

When I was diagnosed with endo, my XH & I hadn't been TTC. He always knew I wanted kids but he kept changing his mind and kept putting it off. Once I was told after my endo op that I would need IVF to get pregnant, we were at a crossroads and felt we had to make a decision where we wanted to go. I felt like time was running out and we knew IVF could take a long time and lots of money. Anyway, I was willing to go for it but he wasn't. I think he was afraid of failing (and spending lots of money). Then he decided one day he might want to have kids but didn't want to do IVF. This was a big thing in our breaking up. We both wanted different things out of life.

In hindsight, I think it happened for the best. I met someone new and he knew from the start if our relationship got to the kids stage he was prepared for IVF. But miraculously, we fell pregnant naturally. I really believe things happen for a reason and that this was meant to be for us.

I totally agree with Satya - you just never know what's ahead.

As the other ladies have suggested, it might help if you talk to the FS counsellors etc. At the very least it might help you get some more clarity.

Good Luck
xx

[Lucia]

I agree with the others about seeing someone - your DF might just need to talk it out and get a few things off his chest.

I for one certainly started to re-think things after my failed attempts. I got very scared that maybe this and maybe that - I think it is a normal part of the process and it takes alot to admit that maybe you can't so something that so so many others people do with such easy!

Having children is taken for granted by humans, it is a "thing" we are suppose to do so when it doesn't go according to plan - it causes alot of emotions with it.

[Acacia]

Hey Jules,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time at the moment. I know that when we discovered that IVF was really the only way we were going to conceive, it made DH feel really defensive as though it was an attack on his manhood, as such. It was an challenging thing for both of us and difficult to communicate about at first. He was really good with it all, but at first everything to do with it made him really uncomfortable, which made me uncomfortable too. He was quite demanding of our FS, and I think that came from his defensiveness. Now he's an old hat. He's been able to accept it and express how it makes him feel and vice versa and he's had time to get used to the idea. We're currently in our second cycle.

Counselling sounds like a great idea, but even before that, it might be worth finding a way to communicate to DF and see if he is able to communicate back to you in a way that expresses how he is feeling, how the idea of IVF makes him feel, and why he feels he wants to change his mind now. Maybe part of the problem is that it is something that's difficult to communicate about for him. Irritable and aggressive behaviour can be a sign of bottled up emotions and no outlet for them.

On the flip side, you haven't mentioned whether he has been communicative or not, so I could be off the path completely. In that case, counselling may be a good option for giving him a forum for expressing himself in relation to the idea of IVF.

I hope that this is able to resolve for you soon, Jules. I can imagine it's creating a great deal of stress for you, especially after TTC for 2 years, which is stressful enough. Take care of yourself

Miss C

[smiles4u]

Hi Jules ,

My DH got scared 2 wen we were told IVF was the only option left.

He told me "HE" didn't think he could go thru wt it ... Later I found out it ws a money$ factor that he had issues wt !!

Mayb u need 2 find out if this mite b wat is possibly b bothering your DH ???

I WISH U TONS OF GOOD-LUCK

[briggsy's girl]

i read your thread last night, and again tonight, and have been trying to find a way to put my thoughts into words - i'm not usually like that, but hey, we all have bad days!! i think the other ladies have had some great advice - and yay - i think they booted my thought processes again - yay!!!

anyway, enough waffle. when i read your opening post a couple of things sprung to mind. Firstly, there are sooo many reasons why your DP may have decided he doesn't want to TTC at this stage. financial is a big one. feeling his manhood has been threatened is another. not being able to save you from going through physically and emotionally painful treatment is yet another

but from your comment

To be honest he is quite an angry person and gets annoyed very easily

i had to wonder whether maybe this isn't about anything more than him having a need for control of a situation, and the IVF is taking that away. i'll openly admit that i struggle a lot of the time with the IVF because i KNOW that i feel a need to be in control of my life, and for this aspect of it, i have absolutely no control at all. it's horrible when you are usually someone who has power over your own destiny, as it is, to have that taken away. with natural conception, you can basically decide when to DTD, and still have a degree of control over what you do - when you move to IVF, it's a case of "perform on demand" for your DP, and that can really undermine you if you have that control freak within. i'm not saying this IS the case with your DP - a lot of the other suggestions are more than valid - i would suggest that you try to get to the bottom of the reasoning before cancelling completely or moving forward - you really need to be on the same page for this

good luck with whatever you both decide

BG

[jules30]

thanks everyone, it helps to hear that others have gone through similar thing.
DF actually used to be the one that wanted kids badly but now he says that they are too much responsibility, they just winge and cry etc etc. But before he used to say that the good things outweigh the bad. So i think you may be right that there is other reasons too, namely being the ivf process. Also, we originally thought our infertility was just from my endo issues but then after the standard tests repeated with FS, found that he has sperm problems too and we have to do icsi with ivf. Im beginning to think maybe that could be a factor too? but he wont say anything about that.

I will try to suggest the counselling thing.

[Lucia]

Also, we originally thought our infertility was just from my endo issues but then after the standard tests repeated with FS, found that he has sperm problems too and we have to do icsi with ivf. Im beginning to think maybe that could be a factor too? but he wont say anything about that.

I will try to suggest the counselling thing.

I would say that that is what the problem is then! Some men really feel like such a failure when they find out that it could very well be them and they can't impregnant their wives.

And the last person they want to admit or talk to about it is their wife!

IVF Counsellors see many a couple dealing with this so it is a very good place to start. It might be good for him to have a few session on his own too - there might be things he feels like he can't say infront of you.

Good Luck!

[farmgirl77]

Hi Jules,
I was sorry to read your post, and really hope that you are your DF are able to work through this and move onto IVF. DH and I have gone through some rough time in the lead up to, and during our first go at IVF, but have managed to work through it (with some help). Good luck, and below are some of my thoughts about the issues that DH and I have experienced - they may help you and your DF.

I know that my DH had lots of second thoughts about IVF (and the whole kids issue), as we never planned to have them. We had a false alarm and following that decided to 'try'. I was devestated when we found out 12 months later that IVF and ICSI was our only option. After a long time DH agreed to try, but it has only been since starting our first cycle that I have really felt that he wanted to do this (I had many conversations in my head about stopping IVF because I felt as you did, that my DH did not really want a baby and that I was pushing him towards it). The first 'breakthrough' was when we had our first councilling session (which is mandatory in Vic before you start IVF), she said that it was very natural for women to really want a baby, but that for the DH, it was often not till the birth and that the baby was 'real' that men felt connected, and paternal. That really resonated with my DH, and really helped us discuss our differences in feelings and that it was ok to feel differently about our desires for a baby - and to go through IVF. As such, I would agree with the others - give councilling a go

The second breakthrough has been as we have gone through our fist stim cycle, and through our conversations I've come to realise that 1) he hates the fact that I'm the one that goes through all this painful treatment (and as our prob is MFI he feals doubly responsible) . So much so that he is scared that it will be his fault if something went dreadfully wrong at the birth and I died 2) that the IVF process has made him feel just a 'bit' player in the process (eg at appointments it is all about me etc) rather than a equal partner, and that has made him feel really out of it. 3) DH was sick of me talking about babies and infertility (forums etc), and was scared that IVF would totally consume our lives and leave nothing else. The councillor suggested a good tool for this - we put aside 5 - 10 minutes a day to talk about IVF etc, and limit the conversations to this time (unless there is an emergency etc). This way I have to prioritise what I want to say, and for him, he does not feel like this is the only thing in our life. It has worked well for us.
For us the financial side of things has not really been an issue - although it is stretching our resources - it has more been about our own fears.

Good luck and I hope that you are able to work through this.

[jules30]

The first 'breakthrough' was when we had our first councilling session (which is mandatory in Vic before you start IVF), she said that it was very natural for women to really want a baby, but that for the DH, it was often not till the birth and that the baby was 'real' that men felt connected, and paternal. That really resonated with my DH, and really helped us discuss our differences in feelings and that it was ok to feel differently about our desires for a baby - and to go through IVF.

Farmgirl, Thank you for sharing your experience. What you said above is good to know. Makes me feel better about having a baby with DF. I know that he will be a great dad. He is just going through his own issues that at the moment he doesn't want to discuss so i am respecting that. Its all just really a part of the whole ivf process. the ups and downs i guess!!

Thanks again for everyone's help, i feel better now about working through it.

[waiting1]

Just to add to that - exactly the same for me. DH desperately wants children- sometimes I think more than a girl - but we have MF issues and when he found out he was a mess - we nearly broke up - he felt he was broken and couldnt even get that "simple manly" thing right in his words. He felt awful that I had to go everything becuase he didn't work essentially and even started to say he didn't want children - all defence mechanism. My advice is to give him some space - but i just kept the appointments and right up until the first FS appointemnt he was saying he was just going to find some information that he still wasn't sure. I dont think men ever get over the fact that they have the issue but he is certainly not the same person. It is just time and understanding from you as the partner. We only had the mandatory conselling session but I just talk at DH and try to reassure him that regardless of who has the issue we are a team and that is what mattes and for what it is worth - it is very important for the man to know you would choose him without a child and not just for the sperm.... a big issue for them - sometimes its even like a test. Maybe try the approach of we are a team and as a team we have some issues but they are not insurmountable... knowing inside yourself that you are aware of the timing issues. I agree with what the others have said that if you dont have children you will resent him..... potentially. Best of luck - this whole thing is hard I know ! but it must make us stronger.... can I just warn you... the man dealing with the whole MF issue is nothing compared to dealing with them facing a BFN - its nearly killed me both times to see his reaction ! He was so excited after first transfer so if you do go to counselling you might want to workship this at the start !! good luck ! Thinking about you