Do you feel angry?

[M22]

i know this feeling too- it becomes mechanical and almost not a part of you. it's terrible to not bea able to concieve naturally when some women just do so easily- but you knwo what i did?
i just thought - well this is my lot. it is what God has dealt me with and fthisis what i have to do to have my childen.... then i'll do it. so i gave up worrying about why etc. doesnt mean it hurts less, still hutrst when peole iay they "just fell" but my head is clearer. mind you it took #2 to do that.

big hugs.

[~BecD~]

For a very longtime, all I could feel was anger. I have a 19yo brother who has 3 children (4,2,1) with his 19yo girlfriend and the number of times DOCS have been called in... it makes me so mad that they have these beautiful children and treat them so badly, yet I still can not have a child.
I get angry that we did everything 'right'. We got married first, we bought our house and paid off our cars, and then decided to have children. We didnt 'put our careers first', I am doing this in the prime of my life - 22- and I still can not have a child.

It hurts and I get angry.

I have started going back to church and am also on anti-depressants, to be honest these are the only reasons I feel that I dont feel as angry anymore. But I think you need to be angry for a while, it is part of the grieving process, grieving for our losses and our infertility.

[Possums]

Thanks ladies for sharing your feelings on this aspect of things...it helps knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

DH and I were looking at some photos last night of a fantastic trip we did around Australia (took a year off), before we bought our house and started TTC. It felt like it was a lifetime ago...like we were different people then, in a different world.
This process and the losses etc is definately life changing!...even before we get to the life-changing event that is motherhood!

[farmgirl77]

I can identify with what everyone else has said. I get angry that we are having to go through this - why us and what have we done wrong. I get angry that our ability to have a child has been taken beyond the control of our bodies - everything goes through a third party, and I feel angry when people just expect us to deal with this as if there is nothing going on in our lives that causes us to be sad, upset and stressed...and I get angry with myself for letting this all get to me and for making me cry when I dont want to, and for making me thing 'evil' thoughts of others who have their babies safely in their arms!

Somedays I deal with this better than others...today is a day that I'm not dealing with it well

[Possums]

farmgirl...I think those 'evil' thoughts too...then feel guilty and bad for not being capable of just thinking pure saintly thoughts about others more fortunate than me.

and what you have all said does mirror my own thoughts:

I also think...why us? why all this...and after this recent loss...."haven't we had enough happen this year?"....surely it could have been our turn.

I get angry at others who take their pregnancies for granted...or their children for that matter...and who don't look after themselves and their kids properly...
I even feel resentment towards people who are just lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly...

I am sad that we cant conceive in a spiritual and loving way...that unless we have some miracle, it is all so scientific and beyond our control

I get upset that others just dont get it

and I get upset with myself for getting upset and angry!!

Thank goodness I can come on here and talk with people who do understand and also just simply express some of these feelings. I am meanwhile doing my very best to let go some anger and accept...I am sure that will be easier once I have our forever baby!

[M22]

for me my anger was the worst emotion followed by saddness. i use d to go ito the TTC vent thread was great.

[Possums]

thanks LSK and Dusty.

Dusty your wisdom is certainly helpful.... I have been thinking I should go and talk to someone just to help sort out my emotions...I keep thinking I am doing OK on my own...and in many ways I am...by taking up activities, focussing on DH and I, yoga, walking, working on my own state of mind etc...but I still think it would help me to talk to a professional too, might help me understand and structure things in my own mind even more...even though rationalising things doesnt make them go away, for me understanding things as best I can certainly helps! I am a control freak on top of things...not a good personality trait when going through AC!

[JodieC65]

Hi Guys - I feel angry (and sad) almost every day. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't actually write in any of these threads, because I do have one very special and beautiful little girl, conceived through IUI after approx. 18 months of trying to conceive naturally. So I have my little miracle, and then I look at all you guys and I just feel so bad that I still feel angry and upset that I cannot get another much longer for BFP. Especially when my brother at age 50 and his partner just had a little baby this month. My niece also drank and smoked all the way through her three pregnancies and has three very normal children. I also have a couple of friends that fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, almost if there DH walks past them, thats all it seems to take. My friends have now had their second child and some are even on third pregnancies and it really makes get togethers rather difficult, well for me anyway.

Sorry guys I seem to have vented away here (rather than the vent forum), but I get so angry also and it really ticks me off no end when I go to our Fertility Clinic (which is based in a maternity/women's hospital) and you see all the pregnant woman outside SMOKING.... man I get annoyed with that......

Thanks for listening to me rant and rave, it has made me feel a lot better...

I wish you all so much love and luck with achieving your BFP's - you and everyone else in here totally deserve a little miracle baby.

[dusty]

Possums, another self confessed control freak here! I can recommend talking with a professional. It has made a huge difference to me and DH to find someone we relate to and trust. Good luck with that and glad my perspective may have helped a little.

Jodie , you are carrying too large a load with your own journey to feel guilty comparing your secondary infertility journey to primary infertility. IMO it is just a big a deal and just as difficult, if not sometimes more difficult and a real stress. I am glad you have vented here, if you need the support or advice or whatever, please ask away, no guilt attached, that is what Belly Belly is here for. There are quite a few women with secondary infertility to talk to if you want who know only too well how hard it can be. PM me for details if you want to.

xx

[Alloy]

I see pregnant women smoking all the time at my Fertility Clinic too (I'm pretty sure we're at the same one Jodie). I wish I could slap them sometimes.

One thing that really gets to me is coming out from a blood test/transfer/fs appointment and seeing a pregnant couple going into the emergency, obviously so excited that their precious bundle is going to be born. I can't help getting choked up at that sight, thinking "that could have been me . . ." I don't know why I do it to myself sometimes.

Please don't feel bad Jodie, you have as much right as the rest of us to post in these threads!!

[Cuddlepie]

When I read a story in SMH this morning about a baby used as punching bags and ended up dying, I was angry...

When I hear in the news that those people who have babies just to get the baby bonus, because they've never seen that much money in their lives, I get so so angry...

We are here, trying everything we can, emotionally and financially trying to cope the dissappointment, loss, heartache and saddness, we are in so many ways are so ready to have a child and we are doing all the right things, like some of you said, even go out of our way to achieve our goals, no smoking, no drinking, living like a saint, yet still, this is not good enough to be blessed for a baby.

This is when I think God is so unfair sometimes, then I get angry too. So, sorry Possoms, I don't have a solution for it, but I think vent it out is a good therapy session and thanks for starting this thread.