Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers

[Caramello]

Hi everyone,

This thread is for those friends and family offering support to those going through the LTTTC journey.

All are welcome to share perspectives on the LTTTC journey: family, friends as well as those on the LTTTC journey.

The idea behind this thread is for those with loved ones going through LTTTC/IVF/AC can talk together concerning their approaches, responses etc that they have taken and received, and learn from one another in dealing with family and friends going through LTTTC/IVF/AC in a safe and respectful environment.

Please be aware that this area is sensitive. Any posts deemed to be disrespectful to friends and family of LTTTCers or LTTTCers themselves will be removed..

Your Moderating/Admin team for this forum are as follows:
Onyx - Admin
MadB - Senior Moderator
Divvy - Senior Moderator
Lenny - Moderator
nothing2lose - Moderator

To contact any of the above, please see this post.

[briggsy's girl]

this is a fantastic idea for a sticky! there have been a number of threads over the past few months with people asking how to react, how to speak to their family or friends. having been on both sides of the fence (and continuing to help support my friends through their LTTTC journeys) i'm hoping to pop in here and help people out when needed.

LTTTC is hard on everyone - it's so hard to know what to say and do when someone you care about is struggling - hopefully this thread will be a huge support for the all-important support network!

[Tegam]

I am so glad that this thread has been started! Oh the times i have needed the support of others going through the same thing. Both my sister, SIL and many friends are/or have had conception issues or ivf.... The ups and downs have been amazing. Sometimes it has been like hitting my head up against a brick wall None of this is said to be disrespectful to what they are going through infertility, but this is why this thread was started wasnt it, so those of us that are going through this journy with them can offer a sympathetic ear???

At times i feel that my kids and i have been punished for the fact that i could fall naturally and easily.....by the sisters, by our parents and mutual friends. The emotional withdrawal is so upsetting.... i hate having to tell these loved ones that i am pregnant again, i feel horrible when i say "hay i have news", and they are like "oh what your pregnant AGAIN???" and i could have been about to say we are moving house....

I want to help, i want to be supportive but i just dont have a clue..... whatever i do seems to end up being seen as insensitive even if appreciated at the time..... Is it just the hormones or is it me???

I pride myself on being a kind, understanding person but i feel somewhat drained at the moment...

am i a bad person to be thinking these things?

[briggsy's girl]

*kids and pg mentioned*

Tegam - from the "other side of the fence" - it's probably not you at all - it sounds like you've tried hard to do the right thing by your family/friends, and mostly it's about their inability to face their own issues when around you. there is no intention to punish you or your family, it's mostly about protecting themselves by withdrawing from situations they find painful

all i can suggest is to broach the subject one on one with them if you can. at a time when you don't have your kids around, i would suggest you ask sis or SIL (or your friends) what you can do to support them. let them know that you don't know what they're feeling (because you dont - so honesty is the best policy) but you want to do everything you can to be there for them - you're just not sure exactly what that is! each person who is ltttc has different needs - some need to be treated like nothing is wrong - some need to be handled with kid gloves. the main thing though is to respect them and understand that, while they are still struggling, there will be days when mention of your kids (or any kids) will be like a knife in the heart. other days, they'll want to do nothing but wrap themselves in your kids and their enthusiasm for life.

fwiw - for me personally, when i was cycling, all i wanted was to be around my brothers kids, to wrap myself in their happiness and to dream that this cycle was "the one". i would drop in at their house every second day, get cuddles from my niece (she was only 2 when we started AC), have a cuppa with SIL, and just feel "normal". when i wasn't cycling though, it was much harder - the hope wasn't there, and being around those same kids was painful. or if the kids had friends over, i couldn't be there - it was too hard. for each of our BFP's, i would go and surround myself with them, but each loss made me withdraw and i'd go weeks without seeing them cos it hurt to much. when i fell pg with the Gremlin, i really struggled to accept it was happening - i just felt like maybe it would be over again soon - but after the first scan, we told bro's kids - they're now 8, 7 and 4 - and they have been the influence to keep me sane - their excitement has reminded me to be excited rather than scared etc. but i STILL only see them on my terms. if they have friends visiting i struggle to be there. i think the LT mindset will never go away.

i guess what i'm saying is that,no matter how much you want to be there for your family and friends at the time, it's harder for them to want you there as your success with having kids (which is fantastic) can make them feel like more of a failure. given you've mentioned your sis and SIL, i will just mention that sometimes it's important to be there for the male partner as well. my bro has been DH's rock through all of this - i don't know how we would have gotten through if DH couldn't unload his woe's on my bro - bro would come to me when i was visiting (DH works away so i was there a lot on my own) and ask me to explain to him where we were at, what was going on, so that, when DH WAS there, he understood without DH having to go into detail.



now, from YOUR side of the fence - which is where i'm currently at. i have a lot of long termer friends. yes, my understanding of their journey is strong from a BTDT perspective, but i am still the one who got her dream while so many of my friends still struggle. i have said outright to these friends that my support for them hasn't changed - but that i would step away when they needed me to. i don't mention the Gremlin unless they do. i don't update them on progress unless they tell me to. i have asked them in no uncertain terms what THEY want to know and when they want to know it. i tend to send sms updates after appointments to a large group of friends - but i know at least one person struggles to get those updates during work hours (which i used to) so i don't message her until later. we recently spoke at length about what she wanted to do when the Gremlin arrives and she has asked me to message her as she will only check her phone during breaks in case she struggles with the news. for me, as a long termer - it was that kind of consideration that helped me to cope when i was having a hard time - so i offer the same to my friends. i also don't post on BB or FB (as many of my long termer friends are on BB) until i've had a chance to tell them all personally so that they aren't faced with news like that in an impersonal way

hope that helps a bit

BG

[Reborn]

My sister has been trying for a long time. I think it almost killed her when I got pg. Considering I never really wanted to have kids. But I think it's made us closer now. She calls up to find out how I felt when I first got pg and compares it to how she's feeling. I know she'll get pg eventually. She's too good a person to not.

Some days she cant stand talking to me or seeing my son but others, she needs to see him and hug him. I'm more than happy to pass him to her because she looks so beautiful with him. It gives her renewed strength I think.

I've offered to carry her baby for her but we both know it wouldnt be the same. It wouldnt be the same bond. But I want her to know I'm always a last option. I told her I would when we first found out it would be hard for her to concieve and carry to full term. I'm still more than happy to do it for her. I'll even put up with her husband talking to my belly. She deserves to be a mummy.

[Tegam]

Waiting....so nice you can be there for your sister. I know that i couldnt offer that sort of support to anyone as i just know i couldnt give that baby back at the end of a pregnancy.

BG: Thanks for your long response. Really what you are saying is not really new to me. I have done all the above and yes sometimes it works. I asked this forum to be started in a way because I just needed somewhere i could vent my frustration at the situation. My DH and i had such a hard time with my SIL i called my sister who ad only just started the process and stated that i was there for her, whatever she wanted. Whether that was me involved and talking about it or not. So she said yes yes i need to be able to talk to you, then the next time we are talking she is angry and yelling to me about how unfair it is that i know what she is doing and she has lost the chance to tell people the happy news that she is 10weeks! Well i cant change the fact that she told me when they were going to implant. OR my sil that came to our house, we new she had been implanted, she had said she didnt want to talk about it at the time so when we didnt hear we assumed that it didnt work. Then she came to our house and stayed 3 days, didnt eat any white cheese, didnt drink but was all quiet and reserved.....so DH knows something had happened, knows his parents know, knows his other sister know but knows we arent allowed to ask. We were left wondering, was she, wasnt she, had she been and she had lost one???? So 6 weeks later she rings and tells DH she is 10weeks and wonders why DH just couldnt be 100% with her.......

I guess i fell that you are right somedays hearing about my kids kills her. But I have a life to and the kids are a big part of it and somedays it kills me not to be able to talk to my sis of sil about that stuff IYKWIM. LTTTC is an everyday thing and everyone is on eggshells because you dont know if its a good day. But after 6years of this in my family, when do i get to share the joy of my family, or when can it be ok that a mum has a bad day too and might need to vent????

I guess all i just want to do somedays is scream, i dont really care if they are pregnant or not, if they are trying this month or not. It wont really make a difference to my life either way......BUT I LOVE THEM and I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY, thats the only reason I can hang in there. I would do anything to give them their dream but please stop the hot/cold relationship with us?????

BG: I am also honest with them and myself. I really have no idea what its like to go through what they are. But its like others that havent had a m/c, when they offered me their support, i new they didnt know but it didnt mean that it wasnt nice they tried????

Again hard not to come across as a B^&%H but this is meant to be a thread that allows that and not somewhere that LTTTC'ers get upset about hearing the other side. I real alot of the TTC threads, just trying to get a better understanding of what its like and i dont reply there when i feel that they are being unjust to some friend or relative that "would have not idea what its like"...

Hope no one is upset at me.

[briggsy's girl]

please don't think i was saying you can't let it out - having been on both sides of the fence i so get that! it's damn hard to be excited or frustrated about something in your own life and have to walk on eggshells and not share it. i guess at some point you need to work out whether you are going to get the support you need from those members of your family, or whether you need to get that from other mothers and stuff. unfortunately, some families (whether going through ltttc or not) just aren't the support you need (which i know sucks big time) and you find that support on communities like BB, through mothers groups etc... it's hard when it comes to that, and i know that ltttc can impact on relationships, but at the same time, it's not always from ltttc - some people just don't have the capacity to be supportive!

[Reborn]

Tegam it sounds like your doing all you can. I agree it's not right you have to walk on egg shells. You should be allowed to tell everyone about how your children are developing. I know its hard for LTTTC but when they eventually do get pg, they would yell it to the world. Every mother has the right to brag. You sil should just be happy for you. It's not ALL about HER struggle. I know I'm sounding heartless again but as far I'm concerned everyone needs to make allowances for everyone. Its a 2 way street.

I can tell you now it hurts me that my sister is having troubles but at the same time I know she would be upset if she missed any achievment my ds made. She'd feel excluded.

Sometimes you cant win Hang in there

[alioops]

*pg and children mentioned*

My sis was on the cusp of being classed as LTTTC when she fell pg with my beautiful niece. Seeing her struggle month after month with bfns and then having to tell her that we were having a surprise baby (I later found out that AF had just arrived too) tore me up. It was then that I decided that I wanted to do whatever I could to help someone else realise their dreams. After I have finished BFing this baby I plan to donate my eggs.

I do like to support the LTTTC girls on here, and many of them know that I plan on being an ED. I try hard to be supportive without rubbing salt into the wounds, and I hope beyond all hope that I am succeeding in that. I trust that the LTTTC girls will let me know if I have overstepped the mark, and I am very aware of the feelings they feel when they get another bfn, but not having been there I haven't felt them to the same degree. I also stuggle when I am talking to them while they are pg, because I worry that I may say something that still pushes the wrong buttons (and I hope that they know that I am never upset by them saying something about what they went through to get to that stage )

I must say I was more excited for BG getting her sticky bfp than I was with my own bfp a few weeks after!! And I was jumping around the house when BW got hers!! So each and every LTTTCer that I notice a bfp for has a party going on at my house too!!

[Tegam]

Pregnancy warning.....

Alioops and Waiting: thank you. I just needed to know i am not allown. You said so much of what i feel Waiting! Im feeling better already.


You are very right about the "when its there turn they shout it to the world".....My sis has never been happy when i have told her i am UTD, and when she told me i cried (with relief - but she doesnt have to ever know that)....... The first time was because i was due 6 weeks after her wedding (she then dumped me as bridesmaid - was a very hard wedding to attend let me tell you) but maybe thats what you mean BG: that some people arent just that supportive type even when its not about TTC>>>>


I have been feeling guilty all just for just writting in this thread.......

[briggsy's girl]

but maybe thats what you mean BG: that some people arent just that supportive type even when its not about TTC>>>>

yep, that's where i was going. for some people, being able to support people just isn't in their nature - no matter what is happening in your life, their dramas are more important. i have days like that (first to admit it) but most of the time i try to put others before me - in a lot of ways, helping my friends when they're in a crisis actually helps me to put my own stuff into perspective and that's always a good thing...

[Jaycee]

WARNING - Parenting, pregnancy and children mentioned

I've just found out this morning that my SIL's IVF attempt was unsuccessful.
I am so very devastated for her, I just don't know what to say to her.
She's been ttc since a year before we started ttc Jake, so 3+ years.
I feel guilty that I was able to fall pregnant so easily while she is still stuck in her ttc journey.
I just wish I had a magic wand that I could wave to make her pregnant.
I just want her to experience the beautiful feeling of motherhood.
It's just not fair!!!
I really don't know what to say to her, I haven't spoken to her yet, MIL informed me this morning, she was going for her blood test today but unfortunately af arrived.
Thanks for letting me vent, I just needed to get this out, I wish I could do more

[butterfly_warrior]

I'm sorry, but you don't always find that people who are pregnant after long term TTC or AC end up shouting it from the rooftops. For many, the disbelief and the worry are so strong that they can't really talk about the pregnancy at all.

BW

[alioops]

for both you and SIL Janine. All you can do is just let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

[briggsy's girl]

**pg after LTTTC mentioned**

You are very right about the "when its there turn they shout it to the world".....My sis has never been happy when i have told her i am UTD, and when she told me i cried (with relief - but she doesnt have to ever know that)....... The first time was because i was due 6 weeks after her wedding (she then dumped me as bridesmaid - was a very hard wedding to attend let me tell you) but maybe thats what you mean BG: that some people arent just that supportive type even when its not about TTC>>>>


I have been feeling guilty all just for just writting in this thread.......

don't feel guilty about posting in here - you have thoughts you're trying to work through. i will say though that i agree with BW when she says

I'm sorry, but you don't always find that people who are pregnant after long term TTC or AC end up shouting it from the rooftops. For many, the disbelief and the worry are so strong that they can't really talk about the pregnancy at all.

BW

for many of us who've been through LTTTC there is a lot more worry than "normal" during pregnancy. i guess it is the same for those that have fallen pg after a miscarriage. the doubt that your body will sustain a pregnancy is very strong in the first months - so your excitement is tainted with doubt and fear. i don't think i could name anyone in the PALTTC threads that would say their pregnancy has been free of fear. i guess you KNOW the outcome well before you would in normal circumstances (the bliss of not finding out til you're six or eight weeks!) and, as such, you're more aware of things like chemical pregnancies, early loss etc. you also over analyse everything (ms one day, not the next. boobs hurt yesterday but not today) and you live in fear going from BT to BT, scan to scan and never truly feeling that stress free thought of "i'm pregnant" and just enjoying it. there is a definite loss of naivity through the LTTTC journey, and i think it changes you in ways that you would never expect



GG - i'm sorry to hear about your SIL's BFN. it's never easy to get AF when TTC - but i think it's harder when you KNOW that they put a healthy embryo in there - it makes you more attuned to the fact that there was a perfectly healthy, potential baby, placed in your womb, and for whatever reason, it didn't take. whether it tried or not, the pain is like that of an early miscarriage simply because there is no doubt that there was an embryo in there and your body couldn't help it. be there for your SIL when she needs you (which may be today, may not be for a couple of weeks) - if you can, suggest she become a member of BB or similar IVF related forums where she can get the support that she may feel she is unable to get from those around her IRL...

[Kahlan]

WARNING - Parenting, pregnancy and children mentioned

I've just found out this morning that my SIL's IVF attempt was unsuccessful.
I am so very devastated for her, I just don't know what to say to her.
(

Hi Janine, so sorry for you and your SIL. Through all my ups and downs of failed cycle, I found what really helped me was when my girlfriend (the only one I told) was just there... she didn't say much. She cried when I cried and we did a lot of hugging... she just listened while I spoke about my fears, doubts, pain...even about how much I hated the situation I was in and sometimes I ranted on about unrelated things as well....she always comes during BT times (she later told me) just in case I needed a shoulder to cry on....so yes sometimes we feel we have to say something but in truth silence empathy speaks louder than any words we could utter. I pray that your SIL's dream come true one day.

[Mak]

*pg warning*

Hi - just wondering how others have helped support LTTTCers when they are pregnant? My sister has had a difficult journey to get pg and I am stunned by the bluntness and 'get on with it' approach that many of her 'supportive' family use. I have had a few friends that have been LTTTCers and as far as I can see it really is a lifechanging experience. I am concerned for her as she is extremely stressed (understandably) and quite fearful of giving birth - thanks also to the us tech who told her the baby was big. Any suggestions of support/ideas to help her. She is not interested in birth classes or any formal information. We have moments of openess about it all - lead by her - but I have limited info only based on my experiences. I suffered from PND with DD1 - I am concerned she will have a similar experience also (seems to be a family thing unfortunately) and I would do anything to help anyone avoid that especially as she has had a difficult enough road to get here.

Thanks

[BloominRoses]

*Pregnancy Warning*

I, too, feel at a loss as to what to say to my LTTC best friend (I'll call her BF to keep it shorter) and I feel like it's tearing our friendship apart.

Our partners are brothers - but we were BFs before that, ever since I moved to Australia - and when she kept falling pregnant and then miscarrying before 8 weeks, I was the one who went to every appt, every hospital visit, etc... taking off work to do so although her DP didn't feel it was serious enough to do the same. Each time I cried with her, held her hand, wrapped us both in flannel pj's and basically moved into her house, brushing both my career and own responsibilities aside.

I fell pregnant somewhat accidentally just over 3 months ago - we weren't trying but we weren't not trying if that makes sense. I was about to turn 34 and just assumed that my first child would take much longer to conceive. DP and I were quiet about it as he comes from a large Italian family on one side and we didn't want 19 people calling and dropping in every day to see what was going on. Plus I had seen how they all jumped on my BF during each of her pregnancies: it was full-on with a house full of people, champagne, gifts, etc when she was only 5 weeks pregnant at the most.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I actually took 3 tests on Valentine's Day while her and her DP were at my house as I was convinced I was just late. They came back BFP and BF seemed absolutely joyful. I, however, had seen her agony just recently and just wouldn't believe they were correct until confirmed by Dr. She was ecstatic though at the thought of being an Auntie.

That's changed now though although she refuses to admit it and I don't know what to do. I had read in a book about how the UTD friend/family member should immediately have a chat to the LTTC'er to explain that out of respect for her I would only speak about when asked, would be respectful, etc. I did that at 6 weeks and she kept on insisting she was fine, wanted to be there for the birth, and she thought that maybe only when I was starting to show it would be a problem but she promised to be open with her feelings and let me know. Sounded lovely but better in theory than in practice.

I've had to endure her DP yelling at me at a gathering of our friends about how we're "stupid" for not buying a house yet if we're having a baby, despite the fact that I already own 3 back home in North America and don't feel the need to buy one here yet as I love our rental house and it's much nicer/bigger/in a better location than anything we could comfortably afford to buy. Oh - and he owns one only because his grandparents gave it to him and are allowing him to pay off the house price interest-free, he's way behind in the payments, and the house is maybe 25% in a liveable condition for a baby. Our friends chalked it up to him being drunk and struggling with the fact that we're having a baby, but his ranting about things has continued on and on at other times to the point where I now completely avoid him altogether. Sad as he was one of my best male friends and I miss him.

My BF and her DF smoke marijuana every day and despite what others may believe about it not being addictive, I can safely vouch after watching them that it must be. They also considered their deep fryer their best friend in the kitchen. No veggies or fruit in that house: BF considers chips and gravy a complete meal. No oral hygiene for either of them either. (God, I'm starting to wonder how in the hell we ended up close in the first place). The miscarriage clinic tested them both after her 3rd one and couldn't come up with any thing that could be preventing them from conceiving but advised BF to stop smoking weed and cigarettes, eat healthy - or even just attempt to introduce these foods to her 'diet', and go see a bloody dentist for the first time in 25 years. Has she? No.

It's gotten to the point where when she calls me - as she just did for the 2nd time today immediately before I came in here to write this - that she doesn't even ask me how I'm doing. Not even baby-wise, just in general. I say "hello" and I may as well put the phone down and walk away. She wouldn't notice.

The final straw is that I had my NT scan last Wednesday and she asked me to let her know how it went when I got out. So I waited an hour and then sent a msg to her and my other friends with a generic update, sending a more detailed one to the others later throughout the day. She called me on her break, tried to start an argument with me about the number of scans and at how many weeks pg women have when I let her know that my next one was scheduled for 20wks. "Why do you need one then? No one needs one then. You don't have your next one until 24wks. You're just going overboard". I told her gently that after the spotting I had 2wks ago, I just wanted to have a happy day enjoying the fact that my Sprout was ok. She then began to rant about issues her and DF are having with DF's father about their upcoming wedding, trying to get me to take sides and get involved, etc until I excused myself off of the phone and cried my eyes out. So much for my happy day.

I'm sooooo frustrated - to the point where I'm starting to stop sympathising with her plight and I hate myself for it. Part of me just wants to scream my lungs out at her: about her and DF's hypocrisy and maybe if they stopped smoking so much dope they'd have a better chance at getting pregnant (not sure if that's true or not but it sure can't be helping the cause). She lives less than a 5min walk away and we've gone from seeing each other at least once a day to not seeing each for at least a week at a time. She hasn't seen my scan DVD or my little popped belly - I can understand why she may not want to but part of me still gets a bit angry about it; she doesn't ask me how I'm doing, even generally; and I'm not sure if she has always been like this and I just failed to see it or if I'm being over-sensitive while hopped up on pg hormones.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm such a stubborn girl myself at times that I'm afraid it's going to get to the point where I just remove myself away from her completely.

Sorry I'm rambling and this has turned into such a rant. I'm just stuck and heartbroken and part of me is just really so angry. I feel closer to people on BB than I do to my own BF anymore. I'm even relating more to the LTTC'ers on here as I know they're genuinely taking steps to improve their chances whilst BF and DF just whine and complain but continue to live in a very unhealthy way.

DP tries to be supportive to me but his response is always just to avoid confrontation and ignore them which is sometimes easier said than done. The sad thing is that I've always been adamant about removing toxic people from my life and it's reaching the point where I'm worried she's one of them.

Have I just been blind this whole friendship or can I just chalk this up to her LTTC frustration? Is she even considered LTTC when she's basically unwilling to do anything to help her chances?

Sorry for my incoherent rambling. I'm just trying to type through tears and really need some guidance as to what to do.
Shari xo