Hi numa,

Welcome to BB I'm sure you'll find everyone here very supportive and full of advice and help. They're lovely!

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your father and your grandmother. What difficult things to go through without the additional anxiety and stress of IVF - I'm sure you are very strong person to be continuing to move forward and look to the future and what has to happen next in amongst the personal bereavement you're going through.

I'm sorry that your first cycle hasn't gone well Although I haven't been in your position my first IVF cycle wasn't hugely successful either - I had 9 eggs collected but only 2 fertilised, and the one embryo I had transfered was a BFN. We were using ICSI. I can tell you that my FS said she had learnt a lot from this first cycle, as it sounds like your FS has from yours. It seems quite cruel but the first IVF cycle is always a guessing game, and really like a trial of how your body will respond and how your eggs and embryos will fare. And then your FS will take things away from the cycle and find a better way next time.

In my second ICSI cycle I had 10 eggs collected, and 6 of them fertilised, and the one embryo I had transfered stuck for a while - I had an early chemical pregnancy - which has given us hope that we will one day achieve a successful pregnancy The problem in our first cycle was my eggs were mostly undermature, as were yours. We weren't expecting to do ICSI our first time either, however after DH gave his sample on the day, they changed and decided to do ICSI. The difference between the two cycles was that on the second cycle, my eggs were allowed to mature more during stimulation and we ended up with 6 embryos better in quality than our first two in the first cycle.

I'm telling you this to let you know that with a combination of the maturity of your eggs being better (which I'm sure your FS will be able to work on, via your stimulation meds and protocol) and ICSI, there is so much hope of you having lovely, healthy (and multiple!) embryos - ICSI makes a huge difference when there are issues with the surface of your eggs and the sperm communicating and interacting properly - the whole of that problem will be bypassed with ICSI.

It is also important to let you know that it's not uncommon to have some embryos that don't develop normally - there will always be a percentage that don't develop normally right from the start - this is just nature, and perhaps it was just unlucky that your embryo that did fertilise ok didn't go on well. Please don't beat yourself up thinking that your eggs and sperm "don't get on". With only one embryo to judge it by, you simply can't know yet about how well your eggs and sperm and thus embryos will and can get on, especially when ICSI hasn't been tried yet

I have lots and lots of hope for you, and you are never to think that you are not meant to have children. Who decides who is meant to have children and not? It's a rhetorical question and thus a rhetorical thought. You have just as much right to desire to conceive and have children in your life as a couple who can conceive naturally, and you are right - it's a matter of coming to grips with the terms of how that happens. But the fact of it happening is not something ever to question. A child that is conceived of love is conceived of love, full stop.

Please believe in yourself, numa. It is such a difficult thing to go through and to come to terms with, but you have the desire and the ability to look forward and hope, as you have said at the end of your post. And there is so much hope, despite this outcome now. So you use those things inside you to help you move forward to the next step. We all believe in you here - you'll see

Lots of luck to you, and hugs,

Miss C