Sick of hearing....at least you have one!!! (secondary infertility)

[Lovenhope]

Who else feels the same?

As I read the threads I see many signatures that imply secondary infertility. I know there are lots of you.

I'm getting tired of people (including DH) constantly reminding me that I should be happy that I am fortunate enough to have one child. I totally agree that DS is absolute blessing if not a miracle.
However, I'm starting to feel that these comments are pushing aside and trying to ignore the hell that I have been through over the last two years. I too have had tests, losses, highs and lows that have really affected me physically and emotionally. Surely, I have the right to be affected by this and not settle with knowing... 'at least I have one'.

I guess I am hoping those LTTTCers #2 could share their feelings, experiences of secondary infertility to make me feel i'm not alone. Am I the only one getting these comments?

[Possums]

sandygirl- I dont have secondary infertility BUT i can understand why you would feel that way. You have had a hard time and you are also quite right to feel sad because your dream of another child is proving so difficult to realise. Your feelings are valid.
I guess people sometimes just try and find something positive to say (I get dumb comments too, not the same obviously, but trite comments which annoy me). Or maybe they really do think simply, lucky you have your DS. I know I said to a lady (myIVF nurse actually) who only has one child and after IVF cycles couldn't have a second and ended up settling with the one, that she was lucky she had that one. That was when I first started this process, and after going through more, and also listening to people like you on this site, I probably would phrase that differently now, and also acknowledge the suffering she has gone through, and loss of her ideal of two children etc

hang in there. hugs

[nicjay]

Hi sandygirl,

I am pg after 2 years of secondary infertility which included 2 miscarriages. I couldn't agree with you more, I got so sick of hearing at least you have DD....was almost ready to slap the next person who said it to me, and honestly even now I feel like the whole process has left me with permanent scars

I've heard it all too, just like you have, I have even had people make me feel like I am ungrateful for the child that I have As if, after everything that was happening, that I of all people would not be fully aware of what I am so lucky to have! I agree that these comments are dismissive and pushing aside what you are going through, but I also think too that sometimes people don't know what else to say KWIM? So they open their mouth and say the first thing that pops into the minds which is generally something pretty senseless (sorry Possums!! Nobody here ever said anything only people I know IRL)

It took us 12 months to conceive again after my second m/c and it was probably the worst year of our lives together. Finally after Clomid, IUI and IVF I am pg with a sibling for our precious DD, which in the end was our main reason for doing all of this which people seem to conveniently forget, but it was not an easy road. I got to the stage where I was just avoiding people (pretty easy when you have clinic appts all the time!!) because I could not deal with the comments anymore, secondary infertility can be so very isolating. I really felt like there were very few people out there that understood what I was going through.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way I hope you get your BFP real soon

[kittycat27]

hi sandygirl,

you are totally correct in what you are saying and thinking.
i am in the same boat as you.
i've been ttc for 3 yrs for #2.
my dd just turned 4. she is a miracle and also took 2 yrs to concieve.
but this does not take away the pain, heartache and frustration i feel about getting #2!
i am having my 6th iui tomorrow. i still have 2 embies on ice.

i have not lost friends, but i don't tell many of them what i am doing each month. some of them ask, and the others are just happy to hear what i tell them.
i can understand it would be hard for them to keep up the interest and enthusism that we have each month.

i don't know how you get your head around the fact that this may be "it".
my DH is worried about our age. i'm not.

so let's keep trying. keep positive. keep trying different things. and i am sure it will happen for us all!!!
as my new IVF acupuncturist says" you have a uterus, you are a women, you can do it"
bye
michelle

[MummaSue]

I don't suffer secondary infertility but can imagine how frustrating it is - with the dumb comments. I have primary infertility with one loss under my belt and I get "well at least you know you can get pregnant". Well, it took six years to get there, does that mean I have to wait another six years????

It seems that people always have something to say, some stupid comment to add, or what they feel are wise words.

If I don't know what to say, I say nothing. I just wish that others were like that too.

There is nothing wrong with wanting another child, a sibling for your DS.
I just wanted to offer my support.

S X

[Lovenhope]

Thanks girls for your replys. They all have definitely helped.

Possums- Thanks for your support and honesty. I was exactly the same prior to my TTC difficulties. I now see those with no children and those with one in a totally new light. you get your bundle very soon.

megsmum- Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sorry that you recognise the feeling but appreciate I am not alone. My first child was desperately wanted by both me and DH, but the desire to give my son a sibling is a different kind of need/want. Does that make sense? He is now 3 and is talking about babies a lot. I have never mentioned it so I don't know where it has come from. He keeps talking about a baby and giving things to the baby. Maybe he has met my angels in his dreams. It's really weird.

Kittycat- GL with the IUI tomorrow. I can relate to the friends thing; because most of them know that I've lost both tubes I've had a few questions about IVF. I have decided that my catch phrase will be 'I don't know when or if I will do it'. I just have to keep practising. I tend to blurt out way too much personal info to friends, family and colleagues and then regret it. Sending you lots of for your BFP.

Sue- I'm so sorry you are struggling with TTC. I have also had the "well at least you know you can get pregnant". I wish I could say back to them...'well I lost both tubes in the process so that's just great isn't it' . Thanks for your support and GL with your journey.

I think the overall issue is a lack of education and all your posts highlight this. I agree that it is hard for people to understand when they are not in the situation. They don't mean to be insensitive but it happens. i was thinking of emailing the link to 'empty arms' video clip to close family and friends with an attachment comment from me related to secondary infertility. Does this sound a bit crazy? I think it could be!

[Trillian]

I think it's an absolutely awful thing to say to someone, it really is. It shouldn't matter if you already have one, you want more and probably always wanted more before you knew that you would hvae fertility issues. My neighbour had twins back in October last year after secondary infertility troubles after their first DD was born 6yrs ago and they had to go throguh IVF to even get the twins and she said she coped that alot - and even once she was finally pg again and suffering horrendous morning sickness people still said awful things when she complained about her m/s and now, when she talks about going through it all again in the future (cause they always wanted a really large family) it's gone back to the 'oh but you have 3, isn't that enough now?' Its cruel.

[Maruschke]

Yep, it is definately cruel. You have a deep natural desire for another child that is not being met, and that hurts. People should be more considerate .

[mummy2chloe]

totally understand hun

i have been ttc #2 for 7yrs and i have had every comment you can think of thrown at me!
the pain of wanting your first child is EXACTLY the same as wanting your 2nd,3rd and so on. the pain is no different, its exactly the same.

best of luck with everything sweetie and if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me

take care

[*Nikki*]

Sandy - i feel the same too hun... its horrible hearing someone say that to me... i dont get it often but when i do i feel like just crying.... i know im so so lucky to have my DD .....i dont need to hear people say "atleast you have one"

Some people really dont know what its like to have trouble TTC... whether its TTC baby #1 or baby #10... they just dont understand

to you

[widdly]

long termm TTC is hard no matter what the circumstancces and we become extremely sensitive to others comments that are well-meaning.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time trying for #2, i recently left my husband, we have 1 DS, I always said I wanted more than 1 child, however after the first ne DH said no more under any circumstances. I couldn't live my life knowing I will never get the chance to have another bub, so I left him. i can understand your frustration and sadness about possibly not having another bub. Sending you loads of hugs x

[nicjay]

My first child was desperately wanted by both me and DH, but the desire to give my son a sibling is a different kind of need/want. Does that make sense?

Sandygirl, that makes total sense to me! That's exactly how I feel too. I really do not want my DD to grow up as an only child and she is pretty excited now at the prospect of being a big sister. I think in the end all we want to do is make our children as happy as possible, so that's why we persist through secondary infertility problems I guess.

I don't think people that haven't been there can ever understand, and I also think there is the assumption out there that if you have troubles with secondary infertility and keep going and don't give up that you are only doing it for yourself KWIM? Sounds like your DS will make a great big brother hope that he gets that chance very soon.

mummy2chloe - hun

[jojoy]

Hi girls, I totally agree with all of this. I have been trying to concieve number two for nearly two years now and it is utter despair. My first one was conceived within 4 months naturally. The first gynie I went to seee about investigating my infertility told me that 12months wa not long enough to have been trying to warrant investigation. She also told me that as I already had one child I should stop worrying about getting pregnant and just be happy with what I have got!!!!! They were her exact words. I was so devestated and as soon as I got to my car I just cried and cried because it felt I was totally alone and no one was willing to help me! As my Mum said to me afterwards, it shouldn't matter if I am ttc child number 7! If it isn't happening then I have a right to seek help! Needless to say I no longer see that dr, but it has taken nearly a year to get a Gp to refer me onto another dr who is actually a fertility specialist. I feel so much time has been wasted.

I knw I am lucky to have my first child! I can see why people would think that and I agree, but it does not remove the pain we feel and the emptiness. I to want my daughter to have a sibling and am worried now as the age gap is getting bigger and bigger with every month that goes by. I think what makes it harder for myself is that all my tests and hubbies have come back as healthy with no abnormalities. This is a good thing I know, but it makes me feel so frustrated beause if there is nothing wrong with us then why am I not pregnant! If they could find something at least they would then have something to fix!

Anyway, I know where you are coming from Sandygirl! I feel the same pain, and if one more person says to me "at least youve got one" or even "stop trying and it will happen, just relax and have fun"! I think I will scream! It is not fun after llttc!!!!!! I to have started to avoid people, especially those who have fallen pregnent, or have just had a new bub. I am happy for them but try not to see them to often as I know they can see my pain in my face and it hurts me to much. That probably sounds incredibly selfish of me, but that is where i am at at the momment.

Fingers crossed we secondary infertility parents get that bub we so badly want soon and stay strong girls!

[Rouge]

I was there and it is hard. Especially when you are already torn and feeling guilty because you ARE lucky. But to disregard your feelings and insinuate that just because you have one means that TTC#2 isn't hard because you have infertility issues is very ignorant. I have watched a very lovely BB member (who isn't as active anymore but I'm hoping she sees this) and she has a beautiful little girl the same age as my daughter (who is now 7) and they haven't been able to go on to conceive #2. She was with me during my LTTTC issues and I think of her always, hoping her miracle is just around the corner. IMO all that she has suffered is just as difficult emotionally as those TTC#1 with fertility issues. Regardless of whether or not she has a child the pain is just as difficult. Hopefully you know who you are and the utmost respect I have for you

And please vent as you are just as entitled to it as anyone else

[Kaydee78]

sandygirl, the girls here have already put into words my frustration and despair at trying to conceive #2. It's so hard when all you keep thinking of is the age gap between siblings getting further and further apart. People can be insensitive with their comments and it comes from a lack of understanding of what infertility does to us emotionally.
When there's an empty space in your family, no matter if it's child #1 or 2 or whatever, it doesn't make ltttc any easier.
Sending you lots of good wishes and hugs. It helped having my DD to hug close when each cycle didn't give us good news. It gave me strength to keep trying.

[MeredithD]

Sandygirl - I have got that comment more times than I'd like to count, including from DH who still doesn't really understand why it's so upsetting
To me, I think it s a really ignorant, alomst selfish thing to say. You have just as much right to another child as ANYONE, They wouldn't say that to a friend/family member who'd had no conception issues. It would just be assumed another child would come when desired. Somehow, when you've had trouble, you are supposed to just accept having only one ( or however many) and the need ( and it is a "need") for another child should be ignored purely because there has been trouble. Its like they feel they have a right to tell you how much you should put yourself through because along with the "at least you have one" comment, comes the " why do you keep torturing yourself, just be happy with what you've got". it makes me SOOOOOOOO MAD. Sorry but i HATE it. Any woman who has to go through IVF or m/c has been to hell and back and deserves far more respect. It is no one else's place to tell you what you should/shouldn't do or how 'lucky" you are.
I also think the desire for a second ( or more) is almost stronger than that for the first. Please don't take this as any disregard for those who are still desperately waiting for no1, trust me, i've been through that pain too. Having one, though, you know what you are missing IYKWIM. I just want experience it all again because i know how much I love it.
Aggh, sorry but it gets to me too!
I agree with the others, though, people only say it because they don't know what else to say. DH now instructs people close to us to NEVER, EVER say anything like that me. I'd prefer they say nothing.
I hope you get your dream soon. No one deserves this pain

[Lovenhope]

It is so wonderful to hear from you all. Very reassuring! I will be thinking of you all when I go back to work to next week and face a whole heap of people who know far too much about my business and feel the need to make comments.

Trillian- How terrible. I hadn't even thought of those who may get a similar comment about 3rd, 4th, etc.

M2C- Thanks hun!

Widdly- So sorry you are having a tough time too.

Joyjoy- OMG what a terrible doc and she is a gynae? That's appalling.

Joyojoy & Kaydee: I also keep thinking about that age gap. There are 4 years between me and my sister and I thought was a bit big. That's why I started trying earlier. Now it's out of my hands.

To all of you in my boat may our #2 joy be just just around the corner.

[JodieC65]

Hi Sandygirl - I have just seen this and can most definately relate - it is like I actually wrote your post rather than you (IYKWIM). My DH also says that I should "just" be happy with our DD and sometimes doesn't really fully understand my desire to give her a sibling. I am really happy, that seems like such a bad choice of word, with our little girl, it took us approx 2 yrs TTC her and we have now spent 2 yrs TTC #2 after a M/C in Jan 07. I too get worried each and every day about the age gap (as so many of you in here), but like you said it is now out of our hands and the fact that I am now 43 doesn't help at all

It is especially hard when our DD asks why she doesn't have a baby brother and sister and could she have one - all her little friends do. I try to explain to her that she is special and unique, but I don't quite think that she gets that yet.

If it wasn't for wonderful BB and all you wonderful ladies in here, I would of given up a long time ago. Each new cycle brings new hope and the thought that perhaps this one is it.

Good luck to you and everyone else on this journey and may our dreams come true in the not too distant future.

Big hugs to all.