This is another mega vent, I seem to be on a role lately. Two days after AF arrived after my stim cycle in Jan, DH told me that my SIL (his sister) was 10 weeks pregnant, after falling the first month trying (they were married in October). While trying to be happy for them, I had a bit of a break down, all the usual things like 'its not fair', 'how could they be so lucky as to fall the first month trying when we have been trying for 4 years' etc etc. I took it really bad. But have been trying to put it from my mind. SIL lives in Canberra, she is lovely really, and I am trying trying to be happy for them and not jealous.
She had a 14 week scan today. She is having triplets! Oh God, WTF. I am in total shock, it is like 100 times worse. It seems she O'd 3 eggs, all fertilised, all implanted, all growing, all ok, first month trying. I feel gutted for DH and me. We can't even have one baby, she is having 3.
I am a bit of a mess at the moment, so jealous, so sad for us, I know I shouldn't take this like a kick in the guts, but what can I do? I know that it really has nothing to do with me, but I feel like God has slapped me in the yet again.
I so need some advice as to how to handle this. I just want my chance, I just want it to be my turn, and with this so in my face, I don't know what to think or how to feel. I will have to call them, and my MIL/FIL to say congratulations, how do I be happy and sincere without breaking down? And I can't vent to DH as he is trying to be happy for his sister, and just doesn't feel the same way.
Where is the justice, where is the fairness? I am already dreading the whole jokes of 'well you can have one of ours'.
How much longer, how do I cope and how do I have hope for us?
Do they know you have been TTC for so long? I know when I had to tell my sis that I was UTD and they were trying and had been for a while, it was the hardest thing to tell her. Maybe you can say something about no offers for a triplet to be yours - EVER!
It is normal for you to feel jealous hun. I know I would if I were in your shoes. Make sure you do talk about it hun.
so sorry hun to hear about this situation - sux big time...the only advice I can give,and sorry if it falls short, but i think the best you can do is not put pressure on yourself to "perform". Don't worry if you aren't jumping for joy for them- that is only natural and you are not super human. If I were you I would do the minimum required ie offer congrat's but don't worry about going above any beyond. Also try and remember that they aren't rubbing your face in it. I had a situation today when someone said to me very innocently "you better hurry up and have children because..." and I did feel like killing them but I also realised they had no idea and so weren't trying to be malicious.
So hope I havent raved on too much but I think the most important thing is that you take time to love, nurture, and be good to yourself.
If it helps, I know that if I were in that situation, I honestly wouldn't care what she thought - I would need time to get my head around it, and come to terms with the unfairness of the situation before I could even think of congratulating/seeing her. I think if you try and push yourself to do something you're not comfortable with yet, you're going to keep the wound raw for longer. Does his family know your TTC?? If so, maybe you're DH could just pass on your congratulations, but mention that its hit you pretty hard, so you'll be laying low for a little while?
Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're doing it for YOU and not for family pressures. At the end of the day, you and DH are the ones who have to live with your decisions, not anyone else
It's so frustrating trying to be happy when you know you can't be...I've been there before too - not the triplets, but people 'accidently' falling pg around me and first time ivf'ers and iui'ers getting the success that I wasn't at the time. I know it's hard. They all knew I was TTC for while...so they did understand why I wasn't overly excited for them like I should have been. I found I just asked lots of questions - like when due, names, gender, will they find out etc, that way I didn't have time to think about me - I was too busy firing lots of questions at them and listening to their reponses. Then when i left - as soon as I was away from sight, cried my eyes out all the way home.
Could you start the congratulating off by sending a card...that way it could buy you a little more time to deal with the your feelings and have enough questions to last you til you get back in the car .
Oh Baby Dreamtime i really feel for you right now. It is just so hard to react to things the way we are "supposed" to react. Of course deep down you are happy for them but it is so normal to feel all of the other things like jealousy and sadness. I don't really know what to suggest as its just a really hard situation but don't beat yourself up over anything that you feel.
That is just too tough. You are entitled to feel everything you are feeling! I found it so much worse when I tried to 'pretend' everything was ok...I could never ring...I would always send a card...tantrum, cry, do whatever you need to do...be kind to yourself...it is such a tough road and people either seem to get it or they don't...no inbetween...I wish there was something I could say but I know there's not...hang in there sweetie...you're doing great under the most difficult of circumstances xxx
Last edited by dusty; February 20th, 2009 at 04:48 AM.
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I can understand your sadness and difficulty with this situation,been there - although not with triplets.
As some of the posts above suggest - could you get your DH to ring on the behalf of both of you. Your post indicated he was dealing with this better so he's probaby the best one to ring. Or, perhaps you could send a card?
Do they know your difficulties in TTC? If so, just let them know somehow that you are happy for them but just need to time to come to terms with your own sadness that comes at these times.
Above all else, you have a right to feel sad, angry, frustrated etc. Your feelings are those many of us LT TTCers have felt and struggled with over time.
As for coping, do what you need to do to get through this. Find someway to treat yourself, maybe some retail therapy, pampering etc, and lean on those you know you can trust for support. Here's another just for you.
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I don't have any wonderful advice, well, none that the girls haven't already shared.
I just want you to know that I know how you feel. 9 (yes 9!!) of my friends are pregnant right now. I feel like I haven't got any girlfriends to hang out with at the moment who don't make me feel like cr@p!
I'm sorry that you are going through this right now
I just wanted to share with you my story, I'm not sure if it will help it is meant to and not rub your face in it even more...
I am the the other woman, the one that falls PG without trouble, my beautiful SIL is the one that has had the losses and the heart ache. I had three bubs and one miscarriage during the time that she was trying to conceive. I am so pleased to be able to say that she now has a lovely DD. It was tough for both of us we live 5min from each other and did lots of family things together she worked hard I am sure at being a great Aunty and I worked hard at not being insensitive to her situation. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that hopefully your SIL and other family members, are sensitive and will be aware of not cracking any jokes and will not rub your face in it. Best wishes for your BFP
Thank you so much for your very kind words and your advice. It actually helped me a great deal, and I had DH read this thread also. He said he understands me better, and why I have been reacting the way I have, and that I am not alone in my behavious, if this makes sense.
I guess this is something that I just have to come to terms with and just try to focus on my own efforts TTC, without being selfish, and to think about myself. As I can't keep going on focusing on SIL.
I am searching for some hope for the future and pray it finds me soon. Thank you again.
BDT - I really feel for you. When I was in the midst of OI and then IVF, my sister fell pregnant pretty much in the first month that they started trying also (although only with 1 baby). I was so happy for her, but so completely devastated for us. It really did feel like God was punishing me. What I ended up doing was sending my sister an email (maybe a bit of a cowards way out, but I knew I would fall to pieces if I tried to tell her in person). In that email I told her how happy I was for her, but that I was having some difficulties with coming to terms with everything due to what we were going through. I told her that I still wanted to know how everything was going, but asked for her to understand if I didn?t react straight away (to things like scan photos, email updates etc). I told her how bad I felt ? almost like I was raining on her parade, but that I needed to take care of my emotional well being. To be honest it took me until she was about 18 weeks along before I was able to feel total happiness for her, without feeling any sadness for us.
You will get to that point also. I wish you all the best.
You poor thing!! I think that's the worst thing of LTTTC - hearing other people falling pregnant and of course everytime they say 'oh it was an accident' or 'we fell pregnant first time'!!! ARRRRGGHHHH!!!
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Triplets! You have got to be kidding me! - Vent
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