TTC without a sex life

[Persephone1]

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I suppose I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I suppose like many LTTTC couples, our sex life is not exactly exciting. This is probably even more so since we started IVF treatment - hey, why would we bother having sex when our lovely FS does the job for us?!

But I'm feeling a bit low about it. DH and I might DTD once a month. Sometimes not at all - last month he had a cold that lasted for a fortnight, so we didn't DTD at all because sniffly noses and kisses just don't match.

Other months we usually manage it at least once. But it coincides with me ovulating, even if we know that statistically there's little possibility of it being a 'productive' thing to do. I suppose that's just habit - I can't help being aware of what my body is doing and I'm used to only DTD at that time anyway.

DH is usually pretty good about our lack of DTD, but occasionally he makes a comment that leaves me feeling very sad and guilty. He tried it on the other night at 2am and I knocked him back - I'd already been asleep for three hours and I was exhausted. He responded by suggesting that I never want it - it's effing 2am! Try again at 10pm and we might get somewhere! He then suggests that I'm boring because I only want it at 10pm.

Anyway, I work in a particularly emotionally exhausting job. I find it challenging and rewarding, but more often than not it's completely draining - I work in the family violence field and sometimes after a day's work, I've got nothing left to give to my DH. I know we DTD when we're both on holidays, so that suggests to me that it's a stress thing. But LTTTC probably also has something to do with it.

I hate feeling guilty about not DTD. But I'm equally grumpy with DH for not being more understanding - my entire life swings between the anticipation of possibly being UTD, to the disappointment of not being UTD. Going to work everyday and being productive is about all else I can manage. My sex life is secondary to trying to get through the week without screaming. But if I tell DH this, he suggests that we take a break from TTC, which I don't want to do (and I don't know that a break from TTC will improve my sex life...quitting my job might...)

I love DH so much, he's my best mate and my rock. We have a happy, fun, affectionate relationship that does not include a whole lot of sex. I feel guilty for not prioritising it - but should I? Is there something wrong with us if we don't have a crazy sex life at this point in our relationship?

Sorry, just needed to vent.

[helle]

Aw Hun, I was just having a bit of a sorry for myself moment because I had a stomach virus last week, and DF and I didn't DTD for 6 days because I was exhausted

Maybe you could try putting aside some time to get some lovin in. Maybe start small, go for once a week and see where it takes you.

GL xx

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I really understand what you mean. I am going to start TTC next year and because me and DP dont have very much of a sex life (we prob DTD once a fortnight) there are months where we've done it once. But i am hoping it picks up when we TTC.

Maybe you should try things that help you relax so try massages and just laying next to each other. Me and DP bought a sex game and to start off we have to ask questions like what is it about your partner that you like the most, what body feature is your favourite and stuff like that. We found it really worked.

[Stevie]

DH and i dont DTD as often as he would like. he works away so for the week he's away he doesnt get any and the week he's home he usually only gets it the once, mainly coz at the moment im so big and swollen down there that its not enjoyful for me. its usually quite painful but i do it coz i dont want to neglect him. before i got pg our sex life was pretty normal, we'd go through dry spells and then it would pick up again, but he cant seem to understand that this is all to do with pregnancy, i have told him that once everything goes back to normal hopefully so will our sex life.
Its not all about sex, and when youve beenw ith someone so long term its completely normal, esp with the amount of stress your under.
Good luck sweet, try not to get too down on yourself

[squidipa]

if it makes ya feel any better its been 12 weeks since falling preggers we have been a bit scared and now just haven't made that special time but neither me or hubbie are complaining so i guess thats good. 4 kids will do that tho lol but we better hurry or else my body will refuse him entry lol thats what happened last pregnancy

[Stevie]

yeh i find the longer you leave it the more painful it is when u actually do it.

[Floweryfields]

The one thing that stood out to me in your post was this

hey, why would we bother having sex when our lovely FS does the job for us?!

I by no means can put myself in your shoes, but my answer to that 'question' would be because intimacy with your husband creates a close bond that is very necessary for a relationship to last the distance. Your FS is a means to an end for a baby, but sex with your husband is about ensuring a bond that lasts much longer than any amount of time conceiving children.
Hope you don't mind my take on it - it must be a difficult situation for you.

[~BecD~]

Im probably in quite a similar situation to you - 9 rounds of ivf, and sex certainly isnt high on the priority list. My husband and I are very intimate and have a great relationship but sex was just too much for me to cope with when i was cycling, and then coping with the aftermath of negative cycles

This will sound quite horrible (and for those of you shocked - dont look), but i force myself to make the effort to have sex, even when i dont want to. The endorphins that you get afterwards are good for you, and the more you have sex, the more your brain says it wants it.

At the same time though, dont build it up too much in your head. If all day you are thinking, oh we have to have sex tonight, it becomes a bigger issue which you dont want to turn it in to.

Im no counsellor, but its worked for us, and we are back to a more normal timetable now (once a week or so instead of the

[Cuddlepie]

[QUOTE=Persephone1;1961076] Is there something wrong with us if we don't have a crazy sex life at this point in our relationship?
QUOTE]

My answer is No, there is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don't always have a crazy hot sex life and everytime you see each other you want to tear each other's clothes off. I hate to stereotype people, so why should we do the same to sex life? ie. once a week, twice a month etc . Do it whenever you feel like it, please don't tell me how many is too many or to less as far as both of you are happy with it, that is.

DH and I have a great loving affectionate relationship and I have to say it doesn't build on sex, it's never been a priority for us. We might have some action twice a week but sometimes can go without for 2-3 weeks...I think every couple's relationship is different...do what works for you and don't feel guilty because of National figures says ' you should have sex 3 times a week', that's my point.

I totally get it after LTTTC with a stressful job, it feels hard to place this 'DTD' stuff, maybe make a bit more effort over the weekend when work is not over your head and you and DH can do some fun stuff, even at 2am....:-)

[Meo]

DH and I probably DTD once a month or so, but I'm the one who misses it more I think. Except when I'm cycling and have the pessaries and everything - I couldn't think of anything grosser than sex at that point! But I do miss it, even though we're close and loving at other times.

[*star*]

Just want to add that, altough I am not LTTTC or TTC at all for that matter, since DD was born (2 years ago!) I have had very little sex drive. I too started wondering what the point was, when I didn't enjoy it all that much - that little bit of pleasure at the end just wasn't worth it all when I was exhausted from a stressful job and looking after DD. I really didn't want hands on me or to have to look after someone else's needs again.

I thought that I was in the minority and DH's comments weren't helping.

I read a brilliant book that has changed my mindset on this just recently (and am trying to gradually move this into a physical change in myself). It's called "Love in the Time of Colic". I found it helped me realise this is extremely common- with a male and female voice it helped me understand what DH might be thinking and how he perceives it when I give him the brush off all the time. Give it a read and see if it helps at all.

[Possums]

persephone, I want to add that I can relate to so much of what you wrote!! Our sex life since LTTTC, IVF cycles, miscarriages, and another medical problems I have dealt with/am dealing with, has really suffered. The urge the desire is way down, not to mention we are both often stressed and tired. Like you said too, when we are on holidays together, our sex life and the desire seems to magically return, so stress obviously is playing a big role normally. We talk about it and sometimes get down about it too...then we make more of an effort for a while. It's true, if you try and make and effort sometimes you surprise yourself and actually do feel like it. Try not too feel too bad about it.

[Persephone1]

Thanks Ladies, your support is much appreciated - especially those who have been LTTTC. DH and I have had a few chats about it, and unfortunately he often jokes about it - I've had to point out that his joking is actually a bit hurtful and I'd rather we be kind to each other around the sex stuff.

I saw an episode of the Simpsons last night and something Marge said was completely hilarious (had me in stitches!) but was also rather apt. Homer had decorated the bedroom with candles and pretty drapes, and when Marge came in she said "Oh, Homey, you remembered that I like romance!" I told DH he could try the same thing now and again (although I note that Homer had stapled his fat to his back, so perhaps not).

Thanks again girls.

[Kazbah]

Even though we're not yet with assisted conception - sex life? What sex life? DH won't even buy lube

[Possums]

I understand about the joking...it can be a good way to ease tension and try and make light of things, but I am pretty sensitive, and sometimes it can hurt, or sometimes I have joked and hurt DHs feelings too..you need to tread carefully ... I think when we do have moments of passion its a relief to both of us to know it's still there, just hidden a lot of the time at the moment