Couple of questions, mostly a rambly vent.

[Calluna]

Im new to this part of the forums, I hope this is the right place for this...

How long should I expect to bleed for after a loss at 4 weeks?

I want it to be over I want the physical pain to go. But I dont want it to be over, because once its over, its "over".
That sounds so stupid but you must know what I mean? Someone must know what I mean...
Its only when I wipe now, still a fair bit but not dripping. Will it fluctuate or is that it? I need to know what to expect. How long will I be sore and achy for?
I googled it but honestly, I just dont have the energy to read through a heap of posts and articles. I need someone to just tell me.

Did me having shingles cause this?
Did overhearing my MIL ***** about me, stress me out enough to cause this?
Is it because I didnt take my prenatal vitamins properly while TTC?
Did I do too much heavy lifting and physical stuff?
I know I'll never know. I know it's probably not my fault. But how can I not blame myself?
It was my job to protect it and I failed.

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Im shattered. I wanted it so much. I was so happy to be feeling so sick and weeing every hour and a half, and having to eat to keep the nausea at bay and thirsty and tired and feeling generally crappy.
How can something, someone, so wanted, so loved already just die?

Up until midday today I was still feeling nauseas, except I knew it was just the left over hormones. And it was upsetting me because it was just a reminder of what I no longer had. I complained to DF that I liked feeling crappy before, because of what it meant, but now then... it means nothing. Now its gone I want it back.
And my boobs, that hadnt hurt much at all, are more tender now than they were before. Is that normal?
What the hell Mother Nature?! Thanks for that kick in the guts.

I want it all back.
I want my baby back.


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I threw a tantrum at DF today, seriously, like a three year old. He just doesnt get it. Seems to think I should just continue with my daily life like nothing happened.
He made me come to the gym (entertaining a 3 year old stuck in his pram for 45 mins with nothing even remotely interesting to do, thats fun) and walk around the shops looking at crap I have no interest in right now because I needed to get a blood test and "well hey, while were here..." I didnt have it in me to argue. I just did it. Because I wanted that test Supposed to confirming pregnancy, not confirming loss
His other suggestion was to get the bus, with said 3 year old. Yeah, right. Did I mention the bleeding and the cramping to you DF?
Than we get home and he wants me to make lunch for us all! Apparently that was fair because he was going to do the dishes and wash some clothes "for me". I lost it at him. Something along the lines of -
"I dont care about the housework!! I. AM. BLEEDING. Losing a few tablespoons of blood. IT. HURTS. Not to mention the emotional pain of LOSING MY BABY!!!"
And stormed off to bawl my eyes out in the bedroom. Then DS burst into tears and chased me in thinking I was talking about him because I call him "Baby" all the time. S***. I forgot he was standing there. I was too upset to notice. And he was hysterical. My poor little guy thought I was going to lose him.

-----------

So I've ****ed off my fiance, terrified my son who now thinks I might abandon him and I let my baby die then wished away what was left of the only proof of its existence. Awesome.

Oh and I wish all these bloody ads for Elevit would just f*** the hell off.

Just had to get that out of my head before I go to bed.
How do you deal with all this without losing your mind?

[MrsBexie]

Oh sweetheart... I have no answers but I couldn't read snd not post!!

Just sending you HUGE hugs!!! And your fiance needs to pull his head out! Honestly!!! Just go gently and take it easy. Take time to grieve.

Xx

[Footsteps]

I'm so so sorry huni, nothing you did cause this huni,life is cruel. Huge huge hugs we are all here for you. Much love xxxx

[MLR1901]

I'm sorry Calluna!
All your thoughts and feelings are normal - it's grieving.
Some people will tell you it gets easier. I personally, don't think it does.
Rest assured it was nothing you did, ie no vitamins, MIL stress, lifting or anything.
It's not something you could control, which for me was the hardest part too. I hate limbo and the not knowing.
My DH was a little similar after our first m/c. Then when we had a 2nd, he changed his tune. But then I could also see he felt like me, heartbroken for the dreams, plans and future we had planned for our babes.
I'm am now 15weeks pregnant (I'm not telling you this to hurt) and I'm still in disbelief and don't feel 'connected'. I'm somewhat excited, but I can't help forget about what was before.

The thing that got me through, was that there wasn't a heartbeat. Somehow it made it easier to process it wasn't a living being, that had died. It was my dreams.
Just take a day at a time. You are allowed to be upset and angry.
And it will hurt when others around you tell you they are pregnant, I'm not going to lie.

Xxx

[Calluna]

I was hoping I'd feel a bit better this morning and I was just tired and emotional last night. But I dont. Im heartbroken and empty. And now DF has gone back to work I have to do everything all on my own. I have to go shopping with DS, on the bus, by myself. We have no food in the house so we HAVE to and Im not sure that I can.
We'll get lunch at the same place we always get lunch, last time I was there I had just got my BFP and the chocolate cake he insisted we get was making me feel super sick. I want to feel sick again
How can I do this when I still feel heavy and tired and sore and everything is a reminder of what Ive lost?

[Crowe]

Hi Calluna, sending you big hugs. What you are going through emotionally and physically is perfectly normal.
I have unfortunately had four miscarriages each very different so it is hard to say how long it will take to settle. The bleeding may slow down and eventually stop, you may have some clotting and increases here and there until it clears. Are you going back to your doctor in a couple of weeks? If still bleeding then ask for a blood test to see if your HCG levels are lowering. If your in pain take some Panadol or nurofen (only if def not pregnant) that should help.
Mentally this is a really tough time. Remember you did not make this happen!!! This bubba unfortunately was not developing correctly so the body does not let it continue. Take it easy on yourself, rest and remember that your DF will be feeling it too. They sometimes try and just carry on because they don't know what else to do. It is hard for you to do that with all the symptoms.
Look after yourself and know its ok to be cross and confused, take one day at a time and ask for help if you need it.

[maybebaby2012]

I can only say to you that *this too, shall pass*. I don't mean that you will 'get over' it, but I promise in time you will feel better than you do now. I found that for a while I found some comfort in the physical symptoms of my last miscarriage, in a way it felt like I was 'birthing' the way I did my live baby. I felt like the suffering I was feeling was honouring my little one. But as the days went on (my last MC was nearly at 8 weeks, had stopped developing at around 6, and I bled for over a week) I started to want my body back and as the physical symptoms of mc and pregnancy wore off I felt much better emotionally. Remember your hormones are probably all over the place and you will likely feel much better able to cope when they settle. I found heat packs and panadiene good for pain relief though it did make me quite drowsy.

On a practical side of things could you have some groceries delivered? I can usually get next day deliveries and we are rural, I'm not sure if Bris would offer same day?

Big hugs to you x

btw, I truly struggled with my husband at times to. It was very hard for me to see him grieving and coping in a different way to me, and being able to carry on with his work etc. I felt resentful that I had to suffer so much, but it wasn't easy for him either and I can see that now.

[Charlotte91]

I bled for about 10 days when I lost my little one at 4 weeks. It was awful, just going from being sick, sore boobies, to bleeding and cramping.
I was in a lot of pain and passed some clots.

You don't get over it for a long time. I was gutted, but had peace. Now knowing "this is for the best" but knowing that to lose my much-wanted bub so early meant that there was something not right (most likely chromosomal) to lose it so early.
I cried myself to sleep for over a week. And when I 'missed' the EDD, I was a mess.
I lost my Teeny on the 6th of August and got my next BFP at the start of November.
After my miscarriage I didn't have a normal cycle, AF came 10 days early and was a heavy one.

I'm so sorry hun, but I hope my experience helps.

[Sunny Love]

I lost my first, then DS' twin, and here I am now, in the midst of my own situation.

Everything you wrote resinates with me 100%.

All I can say is this. You're heartbroken, and that can never be fixed, it weighs very heavy on you. Time will help you to develop coping strategies, and your heart will still love everything the same way it did before & moreso now. But heartbreak hurts, and it cannot be masked with a false smile or shrug of the shoulders for long. You need to express this grief, without distraction. My DP felt helpless with me. I'm a mess now. I still cry for my first, and i'm crying for the one I *might* be having now. It's very difficult to watch a person grieve, and sometimes they try to distract us for small periods of time, for break between the tears.

I've been no help really, but I do get it.

Mia Freedman, years ago wrote an article that struck me, it might you too.
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/soc...809-11rh0.html

[LuluHB]

I found my losses around the 4-5.5 week mark had bleeding around 7 to 10 days, and it was variable loss - I would think it was all over and then there would be a bit more blood. The cramps were usually gone after about 4 days, boobs and nausea back to "normal" by the end of the blood loss.

FWIW, which I know at this stage for you may not be much at all, I've had losses at the earliest of stages and right up to 16 weeks. They all hurt the same emotionally and mentally. They were all my babies as far as I'm concerned, no matter how teeny tiny so please don't feel like you don't have the right to be mourning a loss. Your feelings are completely valid and understandable.

As for whether any external forces caused your loss, the answer is no. At that early stage there is really practically nothing you are doing that affects your baby. You know that though right? The logical you knows that, but I get that the emotional you feels like your body has failed to protect the most fragile precious thing. I would like to tell you that that feeling passes but for me it hasn't. I am still angry at my body for being so totally crap at protecting and nurturing all of my babies.

I am so very very sorry for your lost baby Calluna, and for the awful hurt you're experiencing now. Your partner may not get it, but we do so please lean on us. Take care

[myturn]

We could all have written all or part of your post. It really is normal to feel that way, but it's not your fault. Really.

But I wish there was more I could say to help. I just remember those early days felt so traumatic. I couldnt cincentrate ir focus. There's nothing clever I can say that will help, it's just time. It gets easier, but losing the baby will always feel sad at some level. Try to be kind to yourself and get lots of hugs.

[Calluna]

On a practical side of things could you have some groceries delivered? I can usually get next day deliveries and we are rural, I'm not sure if Bris would offer same day?

They do, but I get all our fruit and veg from the fruit shop (much cheaper and better quality), and they dont deliver. I had to get cash off DF too so had to go into his work first.
We made it back. Im very tired and a bit sore. I dont know if it was all physical exertion or if it would have happened anyway, but Im bleeding again. Still have to cook dinner and get DS into bed. I cant wait until I can just rest again.

Sunny- thank you for the article, although reading it on the bus was not a great idea, it did help. As did your post. I hope you dont lose another, and this one makes it home

Crowe - Im going back to the doctor in a couple of days, I had some blood taken on Tues. So Ill see what they've come up with. 99% sure Im not pregnant anymore though. The first HPT I did was quite dark, then I did one yesterday and there was barely a line. 2 negatives at the doctors. All but the nausea is gone and I think its stress/anxiety related more than hormonal now.

Thanks to everyone else for your experiences, they really do help, at the very least to know what Im feeling is normal, and gives me some idea of what to expect in the next week or so.


My eyes hurt from crying, Im sure they look red too. I have to go upstairs and cook dinner. Talk to MIL and pretend everything is fine. At least at the shops I didnt have to pretend...

I want something to remember my baby by (not that I think I'll forget, but I am worried I'll forget specifics. Like due date and the day it all happened) But I dont know what and I feel stupid talking to DF about it because he obviously doesnt see it the way I do. Something I can hold, and keep close to me all the time. I just dont know what.

[MLR1901]

Calluna,
I bought myself a ring with 2 stones to always remind me of my bubble angels.
When you can, get yourself something nice, doesn't have to be $$. Just for you.
Xx

[LuluHB]

I have a rose garden. Obviously you can't hold it, but I love seeing something growing and blossoming into something of beauty.

A friend of mine bought a Panora necklace and put a charm/pendant on it. Unfortunately hers ended up becoming a bracelet, but she has something significant for each of her angels

[Peace]

Calluna im so sorry to hear your struggling so much. Its such a heartbreaking time and when I read how your feeling I can really relate.

It was only a month and a half ago that I MC at 4w4d, I bled for 5 days and it was so physically and emotionally draining. Only the day before the bleeding started I had been at the OB having an US and seen where the tiny thing was implanted up nice and high "perfect" as I was told. We made love that night and had brown discharge that turned to red overnight.

Its hard not to blame yourself. I know I still do. I felt ashamed and embarassed and stayed on the loungeroom floor for several days, completely useless. The insane hormones do not help. I still calculate almost each day how far along i would be. The first AF after was only a day late but terribly heavy, clotty and uncomfortable which just reminded me of the MC.

My advice is to tell a close family member about what has happened and ask for support. Only my immediate family knew we were pregnant and none of them had experienced it except for my mum and her support was invaluable. She bought me food and pads, did a little cleaning, and just sat with me while my DP was at work. She also bought me a pot plant of pink daisies she found looking worse for wear on the $1 rack at flower power. She potted it out the front for me and now its a beautiful blossoming reminder at my front door.

You are strong enough to get through this and the paralysing heartache will ease soon. But I know I still cry thinking and talking about our first angel.

[Sunny Love]

Calluna, the article still gets me teary too.
I found having a song for my little angels helped, and a charm on my bracelet. I still have the blood results and ultrasounds too, I can't bear to part with them.
My song is this one
Kings Of Leon-Revelry

Crying again. xx

[Calluna]

MLR - The ring sounds nice, I will have a look around.

Lulu - I like the bracelet idea too. I already have a necklace I wear everyday, so that wouldnt work for me.
Im not good with plants. Lol

Preggo, thank you for sharing, I imagine, if it weren't for DS I would have been much the same. SIL and BIL knows but they're the only ones, and they have a new bub so I dont want to burden them. Cant tell MIL and dont want her "help" anyway. My mum is a nut. Not telling her... and thats about it for family. Friends all have kids or live too far away, maybe I can organise a play date with someone from playgroup...

Sunny- had an ultrasound on Monday but they couldnt see anything. Said it was either too early or already gone. So no pictures. I threw out the positive test while I was at the doctors. I couldnt bare to look at it sitting on the desk. I wish I hadnt. Its all I had. Hadnt even had a chance to have a blood test yet.
hun
I really like that song.

[forshelby]

You don't have to pretend everything is fine. If you want to scream and cry, do that. It's only natural. Allow yourself to feel however the hell you need to feel.

One step at a time is how I've always overcome a loss and healed. You never really forget it, or 'get over' it, but the spirit does overcome, in time. My best advice is to take things as they come. Feel things as you feel them, understand why - and then file it. You might want to get that 'file' out later on and think about it some more and cry about it some more then file it again. Healing is a slow and gradual process, but it does happen. In time.

A loss at 4 weeks should see the worst (physical) part over shortly, but like I said, the emotional part takes time. Be gentle with yourself and don't rush the process. You did NOTHING to cause this. I promise this is not your fault. I can't explain why you, why your baby - just that nature is cruel, and sometimes we're blessed briefly only to be left grief stricken.

And remember, we're all here with you to hold your hand through the hard times. My heart aches for your loss. Sending you strength and love to see you through.