How do you deal with...

[OceanPrincess]

... the pregnancy announcements and pregnant friends? Especially those with similar EDDs?

A good friend of mine, who I will see frequently in the next six months, is pregnant. Her EDD is four days before what mine was. I knew that before I miscarried. I knew it would be, will be, tough seeing her for the next six months and watching her belly grow. I haven't quite worked out how to deal with it but she at least knows that I've lost a baby and will treat it, and me, respectfully.

But now another friend of mine, who I will see infrequently but who I still consider a friend, has just announced her pregnancy - due May. Another one. Another one in May. I'm so happy for her - but at the same time I'm dreading seeing her get a big belly and I'm already dreading meeting her new baby.

Am I over-analysing? Stressing myself out over what might be nothing?

Or is it going to hurt, like I think it will?

How did you cope?

[feeb]

Hugs hun it tough but we are female and we get by.

My best friend was preg with her 2nd due 4 months before my 1st was ment to be due, I had a blighted ovum and D and C. Same OB same hospital. I stressed about hiw I would cope with seeing her belly grow and also visiting her and new baby. But I found being around her and talking babies helped. I visited day her DD was born and was amazed I did not cry. I had lots of cuddles of her DD and surprised myself how I copped. At this stage I was not preg again and took 12 months from my miss until I conceived again.

She then conceived her 3rd while I was still TTC when she rang me and told me I hung up and cried!!!! Did not ring her for over a week (normally talk daily) but she understood why and knew I would call when ready. I then a month later found out I was preg with DS1 and in then end she went 10 days over and I was IOL 2 weeks early so boys are 6 days apart!

Hugs hun its hard but close friends will understand you having good and bad days and will give you space or cuddles as needed.

xoxo

edit I had to return to work 1 week after and look after woman and babies and do antental clinics, seeing woman with similar EDD's. Was hard but I got thru it but not without crying at times xoxo

[~StarBright~]

OP it will be tough Some people (like me) just dont cope. I had to completely isolate myself from babies and people with babies- even family. It takes an incredibly strong person to be able to be happy for someone else when your own heart is breaking. Some days you may be strong enough- and some days you just wont be- and thats ok. You may be fine some days, and other days you will just want to crawl under a rock and pretend that the rest of the world just doesnt exist

Hopefully your friend will understand that. Sadly it may be hard for her too- she will probably feel like she doesn't know how much to share with you for fear of rubbing salt in your wound. So she might back away from you- thinking she is doing the right thing- and that may hurt just as much as seeing her Its not a fun situation to be in (none of what you are going through is ) hopefully you and your good friend have an open and honest and caring relationship where you can let each other know how your feeling about it all (and that may change to a day to day or even hour by hour basis depending how your emotions are going on any given day- especially as things get closer to your due date ) and go from there.

OP I am so sorry that you have had this horrible experience, I am so sorry that your baby isnt still growing in your belly. I wish I could take your pain away for you xoxox

[diva det]

its hard- damn hard
my cousin who i see frequently with the same last name as me and lives in the same suburb as me as well was due the same week I was!
Her little girl is now 3 years old and i still think to myself that we should have a little one the same age she is as well.
Its funny as she is getting older the pain is going when i see her, and it is replaced with an invisible bond that i have with her instead. I dont think that will ever go.

It was really tough when she was pg and i wasnt anymore. But she respected what i had been through and gave me space. She also understood why i couldnt go to her baby shower either! That was just being cruel to myself to go.

personally i found it harder to deal with the pg annoucements when I was going through IVF and it wasnt working . We did 7 cycles before we had our angel! I guess because other people didnt know what we were going through and i didnt have a chance to prepare myself beforehand for their annoucements.

Its damn hard to be happy for someone when all you want to do is rip their eyeballs out with jelously!

be kind to yourself hun, surround yourself with people who will protect you - you are fragile at the moment- and give yourself all the time you need to heal.
You may heal in time but there will always be a scar.
hugs
xxx

[Tegam]

It's going to hurt. Different things trigger different women.

No advice really just to keep talking to us. Keep sharing your pain. Hugs

[OceanPrincess]

Thanks all. I wrote congrats on her Fb wall, then sent my sister a text saying "C is pregnant. Happy face, sad face" and she wrote back "Yay, boo".

I was trying to decide if I'd tell her but then I realised that'd be making it about me, when really she deserves it to be about her. So I'll stay quiet.

The other friend, yes, she understands and I'll be able to say "I can't deal with it today". So hopefully that will help.

Feeb - I cannot fathom how you dealt with that work situation

[delphmoon]

Hi OP.

When I had a M/C years ago, I was sharing my pregnancy with 5...yes 5 other women at my workplace. We were all due within weeks of each other and were like this little pregnancy clan...then I miscarried and wasn't part of the group anymore. I remember returning to work a week after the M/C and I was standing at the nurses station and in my head I was begging God to kill me..The pain I felt seeing these women was tremendous...even now I can still feel it. I am still friends with them now and I look at their kids and I still think of my M/C.

I'm sorry to say, I don't think there is any solution in stopping the pain or to make coping easier in your situation. Its a one day at a time thing. Rely on us Luv. Come and chat to us on those days when its tough- even if its everyday- we've been there and we understand the pain

I don't think I have been much help? Oh well- i just hope you are feeling the love everyone has for you in this group and hope day by day the pain you feel lessens even just alittle bit

xx

[RhiChiChi]

TBH I don't cope. I get that pang of sadness then carry around a heavy heart for hours, sometimes days. A gf is about 17 weeks pg with her third, whilst I scramble through IVF (as well as previous m/c). It makes it even more difficult to deal with b/c I see her twice a week. I have to listen to hear moan about how big she is already and how unwell she is, blah, blah, blah. I know it is not intentional and I would never say anything b/c that is where she is right now, her moment I guess. I think sometimes my emotions are quite obvious on my face but that is something I can't change & TBH I won't change b/c that is how I feel in that moment, right now. I don't know if there is a solution, I think just being and not judging yourself (or others) helps but it won't change how you feel everytime there is a pg or birth announcement.
My gf is due April next year & I am praying I will be pg ny then b/c I really don't want to deal with going to meet her baby if I am not. I know all the emotions it stirs up (from anger, sadness, bitterness) but then I know that I will be happy to meet her baby & be involved in the joy that a new being brings.
Definately keep posting how you are feeling, it will help.

[KitFaerie]

I found it hard. Shopping centres were the worst, I had to walk out so many times because I couldn't bear seeing all the bellies and babies After I m/c I had 2 acquaintances/friends announce they were due within a week of my due date. They didn't know I'd had a m/c and I still feel pain when I see photo's of their babies. It's always there.

On the flip side, when I was pg with DS, a very close friend was going through some fertility issues and while she asked about my pg, she'd look hurt when I told her. But if I told her it was ok for her to be upset, she'd deny being anything but ecstatic for me. I would have preferred having an honest conversation about our feelings, especially because I'd had my time dealing with my m/c's. I wanted to be there for her, or at least for her to be able to tell me that she couldn't see me for a while, just so I knew she was looking after herself and not pushing herself too far.

[briggsy's girl]

Thanks all. I wrote congrats on her Fb wall, then sent my sister a text saying "C is pregnant. Happy face, sad face" and she wrote back "Yay, boo".

I was trying to decide if I'd tell her but then I realised that'd be making it about me, when really she deserves it to be about her. So I'll stay quiet.

For now, i'd say i agree with that - but she is going to be pregnant for a long time, and then have a newborn - you need to show her the respect of telling her what has happened so that, if you DO withdraw, she can understand it. putting yourself in her shoes, imagine what it would feel like if someone just pulled away from you at what is a really exciting time - and you have no idea why.

unfortunately, i've had to live this numerous times now. some days you cope, some days you put on a brave face and pretend to cope - and some days, you just withdraw and let the hurt be felt. i have chosen to be honest with friends/family if i'm not coping with their pregnancy or newborn, for the reasons i said above. it's not their fault, and i don't want them to think i'm withdrawing because of something that they've done. a simple comment while they're pregnant along the lines of "i've had this happen, some days i won't be able to be around you while i'm nursing my own heartache, please don't take it personally" - it has worked wonders. i've never had anyone take offense at the comment, or tell me to get over it

one of my best friends on here, BW, got a BFP the same day as me. we were due a day apart. unfortunately i lost my angel, while she continued her pregnancy with her son. it was damn hard some days. DAMN HARD. but by admitting when i wasn't coping, we were able to avoid pregnant talk on those days. i could still support her, but i could go into lockdown when i wasn't coping with it kwim?

[Maruschke]

i still find it hard and don't know how to cope. What i struggle with more is that some people I was pregnant with... are now considering TTC for a second time, some are even pregnant. What hurts me is seeing other people's joy... they think ttc is fun, they think early pregnancy is fun, and for me it's a big slap in the face.

[Tegam]

I don't think telling her is making it about you. If you don't it puts her in a terrible position of being part of something but not knowing the rules. If she is a friend she deserves to know if you ask me. I hated the fact that no o e knew I'd list a baby, every remake seemed so insensitive but really they just had no idea.

[Diamond Girl]

OP, its really hard. I had a dear friend who was due just 5 days after I was. We planned our pgs together, it was glorious, until I m/c'd. Her pg continued and I found it really difficult to be around her. Then I was pg again and so it got a tiny bit easier to see her again, but I ended up m/cing that one too, and TBH it then became impossible to be around her. She was so kind and lovely to me and was always quite sensitive to my my feelings, but I was in such a bad place emotionally that everytime I saw her I would burst into tears, quite unintentionally. It was the hurt, the bitterness and sadness from m/cing a second time while she was still pg that was just too much to take.

So to answer your question, I understand how you feel, and it will probably be difficult to be around her and I think you should tell her because she is much more likely to be understanding and sensitive around you if she knows how you feel. My friend gave me the space I needed once she understood how bad I was.

[Miss.September]

It's not easy. SIL was pg when I had my first miscarriage, due dates 3 months apart. I had to be tough. I didn't want her to feel like they needed to shy away from me and made it very clear from the start how I felt. There were a few instances where it was particularly difficult, mostly due to her being insensitive. I was really worried that when my niece was born, I'd really feel if, but it was okay. I don't know how or why I got through, I guess I figured I just had to.

[ButterflyForever]

hi OP

PM'd you.

[Joeve]

I smile and feel my heart being ripped out. Recently a friends husband told me they were ttc, my friend would die if she knew but I am close to them both. I am ashamed to admit at first I hoped and hoped they wouldn't get pregnant. How awful and selfish of me, even my DH went"oh no" when I told him. A few days later I am ok, but I know if they get BFP before we do I will be devastated.

I have avoided people, fake smiled, cried my heart out looking at facebook, been angry sad depressed etc.....

So moral is nothing prepares you, nothing makes it easier but its ok to work through it however you need to.