I just feel sad.... :(

[Keta]

Hunni I'm so sorry. I think of you everyday and wish I could make it better. What you are going through is so unfair and I can't imagine the emotions you are currently going through. I agree with N2L and Lily Dust. xxx

[myturn]

I spent most of the car trip home from the shops tonight trying to cry silently... Couldn't stop them falling but didn't want DSD to see/hear them.....

I don't understand why it's hitting me this afternoon/tonight....
But I think, while I need the box....

The box signifies ..... An end? ....

.... I'm not sure I'm ready for it, so it will sit in the corner for a while until I can bring myself to deal with it....

i know how grief works.... I know that this is normal.... But I just feel so terrible... And this surprises me, cause I was doing okay. I really was. And now I'm feeling stuck in this moment and I'm scared it's never going to end.

[nothing2lose]

Dont forget your hormones will be all over the place at the moment. Especially if you were on progesterone pessaries and have stopped them suddenly. It will be like really bad PMT, but with unimaginable grief thrown in

[juniper76]

As you say, this is how it works. It has been 8 months since my d&c and it still hits me out of the blue some days. It's usually when I'm driving or in the shower or some other place that I'm not interacting with people and so get stuck inside my own head with only my thoughts for company. My thoughts are NOT good company.

It doesn't happen as often as in the beginning, but it still happens.

[Miss.B]

Sending you many hugs myturn . I suppose when our little one isn't inside anymore, it really hits us then. That's the really hard part, well, it was for me anyway. It does get easier, but all the feelings have to be processed as they come up. Take care lovely and take time to heal xx

[MLR1901]

Myturn,
Firstly hugs. Big warm ones.
Secondly, it does hurt.so.bad. You aren't alone, sadly.
I didn't put stuff away, I just put it all into a place which was going to be for keepsakes anyway.
I'm prob not in the best place to reply to you right now, as I'm still quite raw, and will be for a while. I won't tell you it gets easier cause it hasn't for me.
But - I have learnt a lot about myself, DH, and the whole journey has shown me what strength I have.
Faith is what's waning though.
Sorry for the ramble, but I'm here if you want to reply.

[Lily Dust]

But I think, while I need the box....

The box signifies ..... An end? ....

.... I'm not sure I'm ready for it, so it will sit in the corner for a while until I can bring myself to deal with it.....

You only need to do it in your own time, no pushing yourself. Be kind to you. And not the end, perhaps just the remebering, the recognising of pure love for your little one and the beginning of another journey

[myturn]

And now my breasts are leaking.......

......

Headachy, crampy, bleeding weirdly AND leaking ( . )( . )

I just want it over and want to stop feeling this way.

[Marley&Me]

There's nothing I can say to make it stop myturn, just lots and lots of

[juniper76]

Is it worth having a chat with your Dr to see if they need to check what your hormones are doing?

[myturn]

Probably should give it a bit more time.......

....And stop checking to see if it's still happening....

Im probably making it worse.... I know! Just thought it was weird, and kinda cool... And kinda like it was all actually real....
Just that now I've found leaky marks on my pj top....

Such a dummy....

[vic261]

Seriously, how much more crap do you have to go through??? Isn't it enough to lose blob but now be leaking. Stoopid freaking universe. Why do bad things happen to the best people??? I am so annoyed with the universe. Enough of this crap. There are far too many of us TTC and when we finally do it ends badly. Whats with that!!!

Everything happens for a reason..blah..blah...blah. What possible reason could there be for so many of us to have angels or not even get that far? I really feel us on here who dont have children yet and are TTC our first. I know we just want a family of our own. Christmas mornings, easter mornings, first day of kindy & school. First steps, first tooth, first smile.

Makes me wonder what I did in a former life...maybe I got pg at 13 and had endless children so the universe has deemed that this life will be a rest.

Anyway enought of a rant...

[myturn]

It's totally not fair is it..... Everyone who knows in IRL knows that I am one of the most maternal people you would meet. I have worked with children since I was 16..., it's what I am supposed to be doing.... And it's so unfair that I can't have my own.

But Vic.... You have made me smile... Cause you are right, and it's nice not to feel so alone. I so hope you get your own little blob to stick soon.

I just had a little cry in the toilets at the school I am in today.... Realised boozies are still leaking
But will collect myself and get cracking in the second assessment for today.

[vic261]

Glad I made you smile

How crap you have to work at a school. Surrounded by lots of kids. UGH! Again stoopid universe!

Your definately not alone. I am just further along the track than you. Lining up for another transfer is keeping me sane as I just want to be pg again. I am obsessed with it. When I am not thinking of bob that is. Do you still keep reading your bb April group? I kept reading my Feb group for a while then had to stop as it was doing my head in. I still stalk a bit, but its just to see what they are all up to and am happy that most of them are still in the running.

Total crap that you and I both got angels on our 5th transfer. Both stims. I had my devastating scan the same day your got your BFP. I was so happy for you. Poo how it turned out for both of us! Still chicky we are not out of the race yet. You are 6 years younger than me so a bit more time on your side. Other than that we both just keep on trying. Cant stop now, I have spent too much money and I want a return on my investment!!! Plus I want to hold it over my kids head how much its cost me even before it become earthside And someone to pick up the dog poo daily would be nice to

[myturn]

Yeah. It sucks crappy crappy crappy crap

But I love working with kids. They make me smile....

I know I have time. I guess it's just fresh. And I thought this week would be a new start... It's just I'm sore and headachy and bleeding and generally feeling physically unwell as well as emotionally drained. So it's still there. But i thought it would be over. I guess you can never be prepared. But I was not prepared for this.

[juniper76]

It takes time, so just work through it as it comes. Don't place any expectations on yourself; some people will heal quickly, others will take much longer. There is no right or wrong, just what is...

[vic261]

Ugh, the bleeding is the worst....although I think you top it by having the leaking boobies. Its like insult to injury.

It is still fresh, even I feel like its fresh for me and its been almost 2 months. It was a total shock for DH to go into the scan and be told its no longer viable and no heart beat. I remember looking at the screen and being 9w+6 and thinking over and over again I should be able to see something by now (external u/s). Then he said it doesn't look good at all and he wanted to do an internal. I went to the toilet to undress and started hyper ventilating. I could feel the blood rush around my head an body and knew what was to come. DH whispered "just breathe" when I came into the room again. It was such a shocking experience and even though my symptoms had all but disappeared I never thought I would miscarry. Especially after seeing bob at 7 weeks and all good. Crushed.

For weeks after I just wanted to sleep. I had to keep going, but I dragged myself through life. I was so tired emotionally and physically. I was like a zombie.

[myturn]

Oh Vic