Miscarriage/Loss General Discussion #1

[Matts Mum]

Hi all,

I too am new here. Thanks for being here although I am very sorry for the circumstances that brought you.

I have one healthy 22 month old son who is just georgeous. I'm not relly sure if I am posting in the right place. Technically I didn't have a miscarriage but I did lose my baby.

I was 13 weeks pregnant with my second child when I had the NT scan. I had to terminate the pregnancy last Thursday as the scan showed many problems with the baby. The baby had mass amounts of fluid under its skin down the length of the back and around the head and neck which developed into a particular type of cyst. They believe this was caused by a blocked duct in the baby which was the result of a chromosome disorder. We had no choice but to terminate as the baby would not have survived to term.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. DH and I were so ready for this baby. We are going to TTC straight away but I have to say I am so scared that this will happen again and we wont be able to have any more children. I can't stop worrying even though the doctors say there was nothing we could have done, it was just unlucky...

We have our followup appt with the OB on the 8th Feb and I can't wait for that. At least we will be able to get confrmation as to whether it was due to a Chromosonal disorder or not.

One of the hardest things is telling everyone that there's no more baby. I haven't been able to face that yet. Thank god for my DH. He has been wonderful handleing that on top of everything else. I am dreading going back to work.

Anyway, that's my story...I hope I haven't rambled on too much. Thanks for all the posts I've read. I'm looking forward to reading many more just for the support and understanding.

Matthew - 5/3/05
Loss of Angel - 11/1/07

[Bun]

Hi all.

It was some time since I last posted here - my last post was after my first m/c and now I am going through my second.

Matts mum - I am so so sorry to hear what you have been through. I cannot even imagine what it would feel like to be told that news and be forced to take that action. Just rest assured that it is very unlikely to happen again. Give yourself time to grieve. We are all here for you, so feel free to come on and write any time you are feeling down. It is only natural to be scared to try again, we are understand that only too well. I hope everything goes well at your appointment - it is on the same day as I have an appointment to try and figure out why I can conceive easily, yet my babies leave way too early. Hopefully we will both have good outcomes. My DH told everyone about our first m/c and was wonderful too, as I couldn't even talk to anyone. I think they try to be strong for us as there is so little they can do yet they want to so much. Take your time going back to work - I was dreading it too, and all the questions, etc. Just go back when you are ready and if you don't want to talk about it, just tell everyone you don't want to talk about it; most will get the message and just leave you alone.

tink - so sorry to hear your story. It is only natural to worry that you will m/c again. The stats are all in your favour though, and you are more than likely to carry the next one to term. Take time before you start to try again to be sure you are ready. I was not ready to TTC again and we did, and fell again first go. I was an absolute wreck right from the beginning and lost it at only 5.5 wks. Part of me thinks that the reason I lost it was because I was freaking out so much from the get go that there is no way my body could have supported it. I think it is important to be sure that you are ready to try again, so don't rush into it. And when you are ready to try again and are pg again, the girls here are all so supportive and will help you through this time.

kyls, Rose & Jane - hi and sorry for your losses. Feel free to keep writing here for support. I am thinking of you all

Bun xx

[janeo]

Matts mum im so sorry for your loss... I have some friends who went through something very similar but they didnt find out until they were 20 weeks.. She had to go through the process of giving birth very hard for them as this was there first child... They now have a beautiful little boy 18mths with no complications at all.. I wish you all the best for the future....

[Matts Mum]

Thanks Bun & Janeo.

I am very glad I didn't have to give birth on top of everything else. That must have made things so much worse.

The scariest thing is not knowing if it is going to keep happening. It has really made me sure that it is a large family that I want. I'm trying not to wory too much as I know that can make it even more difficult.

__________________
Matts Mum (32) DH (38)

Matthew - 5/3/05
11/1/07 - 13 weeks and 3 days

[janeo]

Im sure it wont sometimes these horrible things happen i dont know why but they do.. with my m/c i have come away stronger and my relationship is stronger our love really changed and we cant wait to share our love with a beautiful baby very soon....

It might be worth increasing your folate intact and im sure the drs will do extra tests and keep a close eye on you with the next pg..... I hope with all my heart that we both g on to have happy and healthy babies very soon..

[Freya]

Well Im back here again, I dont remember any of you as my first m/c was Dec 05. Ive just has my third m/c this time at 4.5 weeks. It doesnt get any easier does it? It was our first cycle TTC after having our miracle baby in Sept 06. My first loss was a missed m/c at 8.5wks in Dec 05 then I lost our son's twin at 6wks in Feb 06.

Im very sorry to see everyone here, its awful just how common it is

[Bun]

Hi everyone.

Anna - sorry that you are back here again. This really is such a hard time to get through, and we are all thinking of you. You are right, it is awful how common this is, and how so many people are not aware of that, or aware of how painful it is to go through, esp more than once. Cuddle your son and enjoy the fact that you have him, and you WILL give him a little brother or sister soon.

Mattsmum - it's funny how these things let you know what it is that you really want. Before we started TTC, I was worried about work, etc, and thinking maybe we should wait a little longer until my career is more established, and until we had more money. After the first m/c, I was soooo certain about what I want. I want a big family, and that is more important than money and career. But now that I know that is what I want, I can't seem to get it! After the second m/c, I just fell apart, and now I am convinced I will never have the thing I want most. Please try to believe that this won't happen again, the chance of that would be so very small. And I am sure your care providers will take good care of you next time and will understand your anxiety.

Jane- it is funny how these things can make a relationship stronger. DH and I are as strong as ever, and the last 3 months have not been fun for us. We have fought and struggled with our feelings over everything, but we are still so strong, so maybe that is the only good thing we can get out of all this...

[nikilove]

I lost my baby January 3,2007 I find myself thinking of him all the time. I cry blaming myself how and why did it happen? Its so hard getting over what happen my husband dont want to talk about it and it makes me so mad that he dont want to talk about it but I do. I have so many feelings balled up inside of me that need to come out. This was my third pregnancy that I was not aware of. The thought of trying again is scary but I am more than anything I want it to happen and everything be alright. God will help us get through this I will never give up.
God Bless everyone that is trying again never give up

[Matts Mum]

Hi all,

janeo - its so nice to hear that you knew someone that went through a similar experience that then went on to have a beautiful healthy baby. It really boosts the spirit. I too hope that we all go on to have healthy baby's soon. I am still taking my Blackmores pregnancy to keep up the folate. I have also found that this has brought DH and I so much closer than we have been for a while. It's funny how life takes over and you lose sight of each other for a while. Things like this can either make or break a relationship and the one thing I am greatful for from all this is that it has made ours stronger.

AnnaT/nikilove...well everyone - I'm so sorry for you all. I'm not sure how much support I will be having only just gone through this myself but i'll try to help as much as I can.

Niki - I'm sorry you can't talk talk to your husband about what has happened. Give him time to grieve in his own way and hopefully he will open up soon. In the meantime feel free to vent as much as you like here. That's what everyone here is for. It's not good to keep things bottled up so share it around and we'll help. One thing I am certain of is that you have to stop blaming yourself. It wasn't anything you did, or didn't do.

All my best to everyone.

__________________
Matts Mum (32) DH (38)

Matthew - 5/3/05
11/1/07 - 13 weeks and 3 days

[Matts Mum]

Hi all,

This is Matt's Dad posing as Matts Mum.

Firstly I'd like to thank you all for your support and good wishes. There is one thing about being the guy and that is no matter how much you can be there for the DW you can't say you know how it feels. I am so glad you are there for her.

Niki

I just wanted to let you know the male side of what happens to hopefully help. Us as the males can't know the pain you go through but we want to take it away. If we had the choice we would take it all rather than see you suffer. We in our own stumbling way try to do that by not talking about it as that just causes more pain - probably not the best response but we think differently.

The other thing we want to do is solve the problem,move on etc which works well for us but not for our DWs who want to share.

The other thing I've noticed is that guys suffer in solitude (my wife tells me it is the gals as well). I have mentioned our loss to a number of guys and there has been a huge number who have gone though the same but I have never heard it from a guy before. Each time they seem to me to be relieved to finally be able to unload without making the pain more. The one thing that is common is that they all feel a huge loss but are more concerened with there DWs. I think it helps us as we are concentrating on you rather than thinking of our own losses.

I think I have raved on enough - sorry for taking up too much space

Matts Dad

[Baby~amore`]

Matt's Dad thanks for sharing the male perspective - often people forget the father has feelings to and his own hopes and dreams, let alone having to be the rock when the world comes crashing down when we lose our babies.
Trish
"~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06

[Bun]

Matt's Dad - that was great of you to respond. I think most DHs deal with this the same way, and it can be difficult for DWs to understand! My DH I think is exactly the same as you. I am glad that you did get to talk to some friends about it, it just seems that people really do not talk about this enough, esp as it is actually quite common. It is v difficult for men, I found that people were so sympathetic and worried about me when I m/ced, but DH was going through a v rough time too, and was trying to be strong for me. Even the nurses at the hospital, although they were great, they focussed on me and my feelings more than DHs, and I know it was a v hard time for him.

Hi to everyone else, I hope you are all travelling well.

Bun xx

[maz]

Seems very quiet in here..a VERY good sign.
Thought I'd pull up a chair and sit down. Jed and I lost our twins last wednesday, Bit of a shock to have a m/c to start with let alone twins.
Hope others out there are doing fine and life has revolved around for them.

[pash]

Firstly Maz, I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I hope this forum helps a bit

I hope everyone is doing better and thank you all for sharing your stories. And I hope you don't mind if I offload mine.

I had a d&c 3 weeks ago, it was my first pregnancy and I was at 9 weeks.

When we found out we were preggers , DH & I hid from our friends and lied to those we couldn't avoid for the first 8 weeks of our pregnancy. Then we joyously told all our family and friends. At the first ob appointment we were excited that we would see the baby's heart beat, but there was none. DH was great. He did all the talking (passing on the bad news) while I did loads of crying

Usually I am quite strong. But for the first time in my life I am struggling to cope. Between finding out that I was carrying a blighted ovum, and having the d&c, I was emotionally ok. But since the d&c, I have been very down. I was just searching the web, looking for some evidence that I am still normal, when I came accross this forum.

Thank you everyone for sharing. Your positivity is inspirational. And I hope better times are in store for you all.

PS Has anyone noticed all the lying involved? Like, don't tell anyone you're preggers until 12 weeks, which means lying about why you're not drinking, going to smoky places, tucking into that gorgeous brie, etc. Then after an m/c, your friends don't know what to say, so you have to lie and pretend that everything is fine? If you didn't tell them you were preggers, you still have to lie and pretend everything is the same as before.

PPS Sorry this is so long. And here I go, making it longer still

[satya]

Welcome to BB Pash

I'm so sorry for your loss. The lying is hard isn't it? We only told 4 people about our pg before it was lost so I've not had many people to share it with. I have now started to tell friends about it (and I can do so without crying) and it is helping me feel better about the whole thing. We have decided to jump right back in there and are ttc again now. When you are ready to do the same come and join the ladies in TTC after m/c in the monthly thread. They are a lovely supportive bunch and have got me through many difficult days. Good luck with everything.

[cherie26]

Oh pash I am so sorry about you little angle. I know the feeling of looking for a heartbeat and .....nothing. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this pain. No one can take the pain away only time will help you heal.
God bless and take care.

[Owl]

Hi Pash
I havent been here for such a long time but your story really touched me, i thought i was fine with the 2 m/c i had (last one was twins) but reading your post just reminded me how i felt for a very long time. The good news - you will feel better, i never thought i would but sometimes it just takes that 1 thing or word or whatever for you to move on. Dont give up hope, and good luck.

[pash]

I don't usually depend on the kindness of strangers, but I was blown away by the kindness of your responses. Thanks Satya, Cherie & Owl. Isn't it weird how much you can open up to strangers, sometimes more than those close to you? Maybe you don't want to worry them, or let them see the chinks in your armour, or in all the excitement over the cricket, it never comes up

Owl, I am sorry to hear about your losses. It must be difficult. Are you ttc now? (I've almost got the lingo down )

Satya, thanks for the other response too. I'm going to go reply to that after this

Cherie, thanks for the kind words. Are you ttc now too? I can't wait till my first AF. I'm rearing to get back into it. (Its not often you can admit that in public now, is it?)