No Heartbeat

[Ellie]

Thanks girls...I'm feeling a bit better...spoke to the clinic again this afternoon and my levels are still going up...they said it could take up to 4 weeks to mc because my progesterone is still 400...so I've asked if I can have a D&C...I can't walk around for 4 weeks waiting to bleed...I'm just not doing that...am I crazy???? They've siad my FS will talk to me tomorrow. Thanks again for your support.

[CatherineL]

Ellie - i don't want to get shot down for saying this... but is it possible the embryo is still viable? I mean my bubba didn't have a HB till 8 weeks...

ETA - How sad would it be if you got a D&C but really the embryo was fine? But i'm sure your FS would know more than I!

[CatherineL]

Ellie - i don't want to get shot down for saying this... but is it possible the embryo is still viable? I mean my bubba didn't have a HB till 8 weeks...

ETA - How sad would it be if you got a D&C but really the embryo was fine? But i'm sure your FS would know more than I!

Sounds simillar to what i said huh! I definately wouldn't be diving into a D&C until you know for absolutely sure... Imagined if you had a D&C and it was infact a viable pregnancy.

[claireabel]

I am so sad reading your post Ellie. The only advice I have is to treat yourself the same way you'd treat your best friend if she was in this situation. Do whatever you need to get through the day.

I'm furious at your boss. They have no right to say that to you. Is there anywhere at work you can get support? A colleague or your boss's boss perhaps?

Finally, i don't know if this will help at all, but it might give you some hope. When i was recovering from my D&C one of the recovery nurses told me she had 5 miscarriages before she had her two children. I know having children won't necessarily lessen the pain you're experiencing, but please don't give up hope that one day you will hold your baby in your arms.

Thinking of you.

[Willow]

Ellie, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

I understand the anger and the wanting to burn things (but please don't) it's all part of the process. I also understand you wanting to opt for a D&C, I could not have coped waiting for it to happen on it's own but please talk to your FS before you make any decisions.

And bugger your boss, it's only a job afterall, just concentrate on you and doing whatever you can to make life a little more bearable right now.

Massive sweetie.

[Heybacko]

Oh Ellie, sweetheart, this is just not right.....I DO know how you feel.....

I wanted to die, in fact I wished I'd died after the D&C for a while...I didn't care if my DH had an affair and left me, whether I washed my hair, whether I changed my babies nappies, whether I even got off the damned sofa, I was a HUGE mess..

Claire is right - get through the day, whatever, however . Breathe, cry, curse, break things - pots/pans/glasses/windows - leave the baby things for now, they are innocent and should be free of the pain - I smashed my dinner service (well, half of it) and it felt so good - I couldn't face trashing the baby things, that HUGE subconscious tug of longing and hope held out big time!!

Let it out and gain strength...sod the boss, he'll either come round or you will move on...no loss.

Come back when you can, there will always be someone here...there was for me...and I can't start to say what that has meant

Love
Alex
xxx

[bettyboop]

sorry to hear what you are going through.

[Willow]

Ellie, Saltprincess is right and that's why I said not to destroy anything - those little momentos come to mean soooo much in the coming months. I have a treasure box of all of my things - my prg tests, my yellow card, the only u/sound pics we got and they are now more precious to me than anything. I am so grateful to have a picture of my baby when her heart was still beating, it makes her seem more real and reminds me that she WAS real, and she will always be my baby.

[cherie26]

Oh Ellie I wish I could take the pain away. It does get easier but you never forget.
You are in my thoughts and prays
Take care

[westy]

Oh Ellie, i'm so sorry to read of your loss.

My thoughts are with you. Take care sweetie.

[Ellie]

Gosh you guys are wonderful! I am feeling a bit better this morning. Burst into tears the minute I opened my eyes..I think for a minute I'd hoped it was a bad dream then reality hit again. DH is home today which is soooooo good...we've done this a few time now so we know what each other needs and we just get in our post bubby groove and get through. It was really weird telling my family last night...we hadn't even told them we were pregnant so it was all a bit of a shock for them...and as horrible as it sounds...I think the shock was good for them...it's given them a glimmer of our reality and the cruel blows we receive along the way...I just wanted them to feel the air rush out of their lungs as they processed what I was telling them...just like we had felt as we looked at our little one on the scan yesterday...I needed them to feel...something...somehow it makes our baby more real...someone that they will remember...if that makes any sense. The classic comment...from my brother who accidently got his girlfriend pregnant just before Christmas..." But I didn't even know you were trying...would have prepared me a little if I'd known"...WELL HELLO...now you know what it felt like for us at Christmas...thanks for listening to my boo hoo...really...I'm doing ok...

[Bun]

Oh sweetie, I think the moment you first wake in the morning and forget for a second what has happened before it overcomes you is the worst part of this. I know the feeling well, and as I'm sure you know, it eventually passes, but takes a while. I'm glad you are ok today, but please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Re your brother - I know what that is like. My BIL has been a bit of an idiot around us (actually, he is an idiot in general), so now we just don't tell him what's happening. That was a silly comment for your bro to make, I can imagine the shock you must have felt to hear his news with no warning! And I know what you mean about shocking everyone - you want someone else to feel the pain and shock that you have had been forced to endure so many times, so they can get some feeling of your reality. I hope your family are being supportive.

Let us know how your meeting with your FS goes, and again, please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Bun xx

[goldilocks]

Ellie,

I'm so very very sorry that you've lost another precious bub. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you can't grieve...a baby is a baby at ANY stage and you need to grieve for your loss.

Your story brought back all the pain of my own missed m/s last year. I had a D&C as I was almost 13w as my body was never going to miscarry naturally. In a way, it helped to get things 'over and done with' quickly, then I could start to grieving process. There's no way you should have to wait 4 weeks for things to happen naturally.

I'm so happy to hear that you have your wonderful DH for support. He'll try and be strong and put on a brave face for you, but it's very important for him to grieve...he has lost a baby too.

I truly hope that you can get some answers as to why this keeps happening to you, sweetheart. Please take care of yourself and your DH :hugs:

Love & hugs
Belle
-xxxooo-

[Ellie]

Thanks girls...I think I 'm going to wait a few days and see if I can have another blood test early next week...then if my levels aren't dropping I'll ask for a D&C...they scan you before anyway to check they haven't 'got it wrong' so at least I'm covered then...I just can't do this for weeks...there's no way! Oh and on the job front...have received several 'very nice' emails from my boss this morning...she so knows she's crossed the line...my replies have been short but definately not sweet!

[fel23y]

ellie , i am so sorry to hear the bad news for you and your partner as for your boss i would tell her or him where to go some people just dont understand cause they have never experienced a loss like this you are right doesnt mater how far you are the love that grows with you at the time with that little person in side of you is not explainable.i feel for you both . hope you both feel better soon xxxx

[Ellie]

Well I've spoken to the clinic...I will have another blood test on Monday and I have an appointment with FS on Thursday...just knowing the 'plan' makes me feel better..they have assured me they won't let me go more than a week or I'll have a D&C...that I can live with.

[AngelJemma]

I am so sorry :hugs:

[Ellie]

OMG...Hcg has gone from 6900 on Thursday to 12000 today!@?! The nurse only told me not to get my hopes up...FS will see me Thursday and has said for me to have a light breaky around 7am before seeing him at 10am...so he obviously thinks there is no baby and he'll do D&C Thursday afternoon....how can I give up hope??? My girlfriend didn't see her little one's heartbeat till 8 weeks and I'll only be 7 weeks 5 days on Thursday...am I crazy???????