Ultimate Insensitivity Rant - Lets See Who Can Top This One!

**HayleyW** · December 23rd, 2007, 02:23 PM

Ok ladies, I would be interested to see who can top this one!

My DS just got back from a week with his grandparents, my ex husbands parents. As they are dropping him off, my ex MIL said to me "Oh, Hayley, I got a letter from your mum for Christmas, she said that you have had 2 miscarriages this year, are you ok?" I was, of course, in complete shock as DH and I havent told many people at all. I just brushed it off, as I know now that my ex will be hearing about this. To top it off, his new wife is due at the same time as what I would have been with second mc.

So, anyway, Im furious. Get DS settled back inside and call my mum. I yelled and cussed a bit at her and then something dawned on me. I asked her "Is this a generic letter you have sent to everyone, your Christmas newsletter?" And she said "Yes" So she has sent this information out to everyone on her Christmas card list!!!! Of course, I totally lost it at her, asking how can she think she can share this information with everyone, we havent even told DHs parents about the MC and my mother had told all her friends, family, everyone in her church, my EX PARENTS IN LAW FFS!!!

She then said "Well, if you had returned my calls I would know how upset about this you are" So, I went crazy at her. I got my sister to tell her about my latest mc as my mother is VERY religious and Im not and at the time I just couldnt hear from her "Its Gods plan" or something similiar. This made me totally lose it, how dare she turn this around on me???? I called my sister after, pretty hysterical, who called her to find out who she had sent this information too, and mum was very nonchalant and said "My generation doesnt think these things are such a big deal" WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????

DH is furious, this tops a long list of things she has said and done to me, and he just doesnt understand why she would think she has the right to share this with anyone!

Well, I just dont know how to deal with this situation. She is on the other side of the country so I wont be seeing her at Christmas. I want to write her an email explaining how I feel but want to ensure she understands how upset and angry I am. I want to cut off contact with her, she can email or call DS but thats it. I feel what she has done is unforgiveable. Am I over reacting here? Im absolutely devastated about the mc's but then to have them broadcasted out in her annual Christmas newsletter!!! ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Janie** · December 23rd, 2007, 02:33 PM

Oh big hugs Hayley. IMO what your mum has done is so, so wrong. I cannot understand why anyone would think it is acceptable to send that information out without even checking with you first (of course you would say no). And for your mum to do it! I can't believe she told your ex-ILs! I think you have every right to be upset with her. But maybe you won't always want her out of your life. Maybe you can distance yourself from her for awhile until you are feeling a little more forgiving. And in the meantime send her that email explaining exactly why you are so upset.

FWIW I had a mc last year, and my mum was nearly as upset as I was, so I don't think it's necessarily a generational thing.

I'm sorry for your losses Hayley, and for what your mum has done. I hope you have a lovely Christmas and all the best for 2008

**QueenMab** · December 23rd, 2007, 02:34 PM

Oh gosh, you definately need some hugs!

I can't believe that your Mum thought that your personal trauma was suitable "news" for her generic xmas newsletter... I am really gobsmacked... what did she say, 'Well, I've made the xmas pudding and my daughter has miscarried..." it's horrible, and then to say it was your fault for not telling her not to.... what?!

I am afraid I don't have any suitable advice but I totally feel for you & would be just as upset if I were in your situation, just wanted you to know that there would be alot of people that agree that this was totally unacceptable behaviour on her part & even if she hadn't realised (how this is possible I don't know) she should have atleast apologised once she knew how upset you were... *more hugs*

**~StarBright~** · December 23rd, 2007, 02:44 PM

Oh Hayley, i think you have the cake on this situation!!!

Your mum has alot to answer for!! Why would you put something like that in a christmas letter???????????? Its not even HER bad news to Share!!! Isnt the letter supposed to be about HER??? i am absolutely flabbergasted at this, i am assuming she didnt send you one, or you would have known already, and not had to hear it from someone else!!

On the earfull you have already given her, she still needs more!!

I think you are totally in your right mind to give her another earfull and explain to her that while "HER generation" may not see this as a big deal- ANYTHING that happens in YOUR private life is YOUR life and she should respect that.

And surely if she noticed that you had trouble sharing the news of your most recent m/c with even HER, that maybe, just maybe that MIGHT be an indication that you arnt ready to share this news with the whole world!!!! Um DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are not overreacting here at all, it is YOUR life, YOUR losses and it should Bloomin well be YOUR choice who knows and who doesnt.

BIg hugs to you Hayley, i am on your side and ready if you need any help with that email

And BTW, I am very sorry for your losses....

StarBright
xioxoxox

**Mrs P** · December 23rd, 2007, 02:46 PM

Hayley you are not over-reacting, I can't believe that your own mother would do such a thing. Big hugs

**Tobily** · December 23rd, 2007, 03:30 PM

Oh my gosh Hayley....that's awful! :hugs:
I can't even begin to fathom what is going through her mind thinking that such a personal, painful event for you is fodder for her Xmas newsletter!
I'm so sorry...and FWIW I don't think you're over reacting at all. After my first miscarriage my father said something similarly insensitive to me (to the effect that he didn't know what I was so upset about...two days after it happened) and it was nearly 5 years before I could bring myself to forgive him and speak to him again.
I just don't know what gets into people sometimes, I think you should email her and get it off your chest but perhaps give yourself a little time to settle down before you send it - the trouble with emails is that it's there in black and white and can be read, and reread and never forgotten

Take care.

**Anthonysmom** · December 23rd, 2007, 04:21 PM

hayley - first off I am so sorry for your losses. And you are absolutely not over reacting!! I don't think people think sometimes. While you certainly take the cake here are some things that have been said to me since my m/s.
"you are letting this define you, you need to move on." this was at just shy of 4 weeks post m/c
"do you think your being overweight has anything to do with losing your son."
"it happens you need to get over it."
and today my mom left me a message asking me if I had received christmas cards from my cousins and aren't all of their babies adorable and they look like angels. THANKS MOM

Big hugs to you

. and if you need space from your mom than thats what you should do.

**Anthonysmom** · December 24th, 2007, 02:04 PM

oh yes and I almost forgot two weeks ago my mom said, "not that I minded having to do it, but becasue of your miscarriage I did have to rewrite half of my christmas cards." so sorry that I inconvenienced you, i will try not to next time.

**Spring Angel** · December 24th, 2007, 02:27 PM

I can't even write what I want to say because it will be bleeped out. You have every right to be steaming mad. Boy, I'm surprised your mother had the audacity to do such an aweful thing. You need some huge hugs :hugs:

I can't believe you have had to go through this and I am very sorry that your own Mum has upset you so much. Be as angry as you want but know that she was wrong to do it but that some things just don't deserve your heartache.

Take care
Lv Spring

**nickers** · December 27th, 2007, 07:19 PM

i definatley dont think you are over reacting that is so insentitive and down right wrong you have every reason to be angry and upset with her i think.
i know none of us can take away what she has done but atleast know how much everyone here cares for you and its definatley not something to be taken lightly.
I hope you are ok

**Lulu** · December 28th, 2007, 06:38 AM

I dunno what to say.....

Big one for you too Anthonysmum

**rosehannah** · December 28th, 2007, 07:16 AM

Very insensitive of your mum, you do need to communicate to her how hurt and mortified you feel about your private life being publicized without your consent. I hope 2008 is a better year for you

**Katiegirl** · December 28th, 2007, 05:58 PM

I am so sorry that not only have you had to endure the loss of 2 babies, but then such insensitive comments. She obviously has no understanding how heartwrenching this is for you. I would consider my whole family (including myself) to be religious, and yet they were all devastated when I lost Nathaniel. Being religious made no difference to them - as they all felt the loss of my baby and understood how this had effected mine and DHs lives.

I agree to just give yourself the distance from her that you need.

I have been pretty lucky with comments - just the usual 'these things happen'....umm yes they do as I have just experienced.
One tacky comment from DHs relative - 'So I hear you have to start over again'. This one particularly stung as we are already fully aware of this point, but hearing it hurt.
And the best one - 'I am praying that by next Christmas you will have a real baby' - excuse me but I have had a real baby!!! I was so angry when this was said to me but I just sucked it up.

Look after yourself and big hugs.

**maddysmummy** · December 28th, 2007, 07:10 PM

who in there right mind would put that info into the group christmas letter?? and from your own mother!! WTF???????

you every right to be hopping mad at her

!!!

so sorry you had to hear it from you ex-inlaws as well!!lots of

to you!!

FluffyLaRue · December 28th, 2007, 08:32 PM

((HUGS))
What an awful betrayal of trust. It doesn't matter what 'her generation' feels about 'these things' it's private and very sensitive information, not at all suitable for one christmas mail.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you get a sticky babe very soon.

**satya** · December 29th, 2007, 07:30 AM

That's really awful. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I think sometimes you have to be very specific with mothers about what they can and can't tell. I told my mum that I didn't want anyone to know about any of my pregnancies, m/c's or testing and she stuck to it. I bet she was dying to announce the latest pregnancy in her Xmas letter but she didn't as I'd told her not to tell anyone until we reached 12 weeks. Even now that we are past the "danger" period she's not telling anyone about the losses - just focusing on the future.

I'd suggest you email her, tell her exactly how you feel and then leave the ball in her court. If you don't get an apology I'd be keeping her at a distance and I certainly wouldn't tell her about the next pregnancy until it was well advanced (or your sister in case she told her).

**tempus moriendi** · January 2nd, 2008, 10:49 AM

Oh my gosh, HayleyW--I can't believe you had to go through that! It was your news to share or not. My own MC's all happened before we made the general announcement we were pregnant, and I would not have wanted it spread around except to people I personally wanted to know.

Actually, after my first MC, I told my grandmother--who went and told my mother, who I have a distant relationship with. More than a year later, I happened to talk to Mom on the phone who proceeded to tell me she was upset that she had to hear about it from my grandmother. Since then I've kept pregnancies from both of them until we heard the heartbeat. Which is a good idea because I've had 3 MC's since then and really can't deal with the family drama on top of the heartbreak of obstetric loss.

Good luck.

**HayleyW** · January 21st, 2008, 10:33 PM

Hi Ladies

Thanks for all your replies. It makes me feel better to know that most think Im not overreacting here and that my emotional outburst was warranted.

Well, just thought I would give you all an update. I still havent heard anything from her, even on Christmas Day.

According to my sister, she is angry at me and thinks I should be the one apologising to her for my outburst on the phone. She doesnt think she has done anything wrong and thinks I am over reacting.

I havent written her a letter, I try but I just end up angry and writing not very nice things and thats not what I want to do. So, I have just decided to give it more time. Hopefully then, she will realise her mistake.

I know in time we will be in contact again, but as a previous poster said, I will now be careful about what I choose to share with her. She just isnt the supportive mother I would like and due to her religious beliefs, cant offer any sympathy as its all "gods plan" or some kind of karma. (An example, a few years ago, I had many abnormal pap smears, one which led to CIN2 which required numerous colposcopys. When I told her she said "Thats Gods punishment for you being so promiscuous when you were younger"

)

So, Im better now. Im not as angry but I just dont think I will ever forget and forgive.