What to say to a grieving family?

[Maruschke]

How about "congratulations on the birth of your child, and I am terribly heartbroken to hear that they could not stay with you" or something of that effect? It's a sad time be sensitive and be genuine. No one likes pat answers.

[skybie]

you would congratulate someone if they had a live baby, why not one that was born sleeping?
a simple congratulations on the birth of beautiful X, we are so sorry that X couldnt stay.
its important to call the baby by its name i think, makes parents feel like people recognise that the baby is very real and very much a part of their lives (well it did for me anyway) maybe get them something little for bub too

[LionsandBears]

Something else to consider - will someone from work be attending the funeral? If so, who? If anyone is pregnant, just run it by the family first to see if they are OK with that. We had pregnant friends at both boys' funerals, which was OK with me. People bringing babies would not have been OK.

[NaeNae]

Something else to consider - will someone from work be attending the funeral? If so, who? If anyone is pregnant, just run it by the family first to see if they are OK with that. We had pregnant friends at both boys' funerals, which was OK with me. People bringing babies would not have been OK.

Good point !!!!!!!

We had friends at our daughters funeral who had a 3 month old baby girl. They stayed up the back of the church during the service and we invited them back to our place for the scattering of her ashes. They were worried about how seeing a healthy baby would affect DH and I, but I welcomed Baby M, she was a part of their family how could I not be ok with that .... They were there supporting our family ITMS??

Nae x x

[delphmoon]

Thanks all for your replies.

I felt the same way in regards to wanting people to acknowledge that I had even had a baby, rather than just a 'sympathy' thing.

I'm thinking for the flowers from the work team I will purchase a nice blank card and write something like "Congratulations on the birth of X. Words cannot express how sad we are she could not stay. You and (DH) are in our thoughts and prayers". I like Tash your idea about the brighter flowers so will run that by the girls at work. Maybe a teddy? Plant? balloon? hmmm...I really don't know.

[NaeNae]

While I like the idea of people saying "Congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry s/he couldn't stay" I am going to go against the grain a little and say the word congratulations doesn't seem appropriate to me .... that is JUST my opinion though having never experienced giving birth to a forever sleeping baby.

I am not sure what the appropriate thing to say would be, other than how deeply sorry you were to hear of the loss of their son/daughter. Anything really heartfelt will sound sincere especially coming from a very close team.

If the ladies here who have been through the heartache of giving birth to a sleeping baby say yes to using the word congratulations then do that, I have never been in their shoes so do not know what the right things to say are

Nae x x

[delphmoon]

While I like the idea of people saying "Congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry s/he couldn't stay" I am going to go against the grain a little and say the word congratulations doesn't seem appropriate to me .... that is JUST my opinion though having never experienced giving birth to a forever sleeping baby.

I am not sure what the appropriate thing to say would be, other than how deeply sorry you were to hear of the loss of their son/daughter. Anything really heartfelt will sound sincere especially coming from a very close team.

If the ladies here who have been through the heartache of giving birth to a sleeping baby say yes to using the word congratulations then do that, I have never been in their shoes so do not know what the right things to say are

Nae x x

Yes Nae, I completely understand what you are saying- the word congratulations isn't 'right' maybe? I can't remember feeling one way or another about it

Also Tash- I am the only pg one at work and I won't be attending and I think the kids thing is a parental choice thing maybe- gosh I don't know

[LionsandBears]

That's why you run it by the family first. Everyone is different. It was important to me that my friends came, pregnant or not. They asked first if it was OK. I just wanted their support. The only kids we had at DS1's funeral were my niece and nephew. My brother decided not to bring them to DS2's funeral because my niece was a mess at having lost 2 cousins so close together

Anyway, I think the card and flowers are a nice idea. Teddies are nice too. I still cling to the teddies we have for our boys. I'm not sure about a balloon though. Other items that we received include Willow figurines, an olive plant, roses. Don't bombard them with stuff though.

It's a tough one, but it's good you're doing something. If you're not sure about adding items, leave them out. It's the card and the real life support that matter the most.

I agree with Skybie - saying the baby's name is really important.