What to say to a grieving family?

[delphmoon]

Hi all,

Currently I'm on maternity leave from work. I just received a phone call from one of the management team informing me that one of the girls who is full term lost her bub yesterday

My colleagues at work want to send her flowers/card etc and there are mixed feelings from them as to whether they should say "congratulations" and then "I'm sorry" IYGWIM. They wanted my advice on what to do. We are a close team in a professional way IYGWIM and everyone wants to do something.

I suggested that it is a difficult situation regardless and if people feel uncomfortable about mentioning the baby but still want to express there love and prayers then we can send flowers on behalf of the team and then each individual can write there own card etc. So thats what they are doing....They think...I am going to go into work shortly and have debrief with everyone.

Now its got me thinking, in the past I have always congratulated parents on the birth of bubs and expressed my sadness at their loss. Having had a late loss myself, it was hard if people avoided mentioning that I had had a baby, but at the same time I understood it is awkward for people too.

So I respectfully ask you wonderful ladies here what you think. Any suggestions, wise words for when I go in today? Considering I am full term and have been the grieving mum too, I need some other perspectives if that makes sense

TIA

[TeniBear]

Personally, I wish more people had said congratulations. "I'm sorry for your loss" is always a good one, but after a while it gets so repetitive and doesn't seem sincere any more :-/

If I remember anything else I would've liked to hear in those early days, I'll come back


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks

[Maruschke]

How about "congratulations on the birth of your child, and I am terribly heartbroken to hear that they could not stay with you" or something of that effect? It's a sad time be sensitive and be genuine. No one likes pat answers.

[LionsandBears]

This is just my personal experience and opinion. I hated the flowers, because they were white sympathy flowers and I had been anticipating congratulations, new baby type flowers with cheerful colours and balloons and congratulations on the new baby cards. Getting home from hospital seeing bouquets of sympathy flowers just rubbed it in for me. Second time around, we knew to tell people with the announcement - no flowers. We bought ourselves bright flowers. I realise others may take comfort in flowers. For the boys' funerals, we had bright coloured flowers.

When an angel is born here I congratulate the new mum and dad on their precious bundle. Because they did meet their baby, she did give birth, she deserves congratulations as well as tears.

I'd say Congratulations on the birth of baby [Name], I am so sorry s/he couldn't stay. Wishing you lots of strength and support for the coming months and years.
I'd write it in a colourful card that's neither a sympathy card nor a new baby card. And send it with bright pink or blue or yellow flowers to honour the bright light that shone too briefly.

If you have time, google Carly Marie. She and a friend have started a range of babyloss cards.

As for mentioning the baby. I hate it when people don't mention my boys, even to just say, sorry for your loss. The family are in a world of pain. Acknowledging that goes a long way. People can learn to live with feeling awkward. It won't kill them. Baby death is part of life. The baby is a real person who deserves recognition.

[skybie]

you would congratulate someone if they had a live baby, why not one that was born sleeping?
a simple congratulations on the birth of beautiful X, we are so sorry that X couldnt stay.
its important to call the baby by its name i think, makes parents feel like people recognise that the baby is very real and very much a part of their lives (well it did for me anyway) maybe get them something little for bub too

[LionsandBears]

Something else to consider - will someone from work be attending the funeral? If so, who? If anyone is pregnant, just run it by the family first to see if they are OK with that. We had pregnant friends at both boys' funerals, which was OK with me. People bringing babies would not have been OK.

[delphmoon]

Thanks all for your replies.

I felt the same way in regards to wanting people to acknowledge that I had even had a baby, rather than just a 'sympathy' thing.

I'm thinking for the flowers from the work team I will purchase a nice blank card and write something like "Congratulations on the birth of X. Words cannot express how sad we are she could not stay. You and (DH) are in our thoughts and prayers". I like Tash your idea about the brighter flowers so will run that by the girls at work. Maybe a teddy? Plant? balloon? hmmm...I really don't know.

[NaeNae]

While I like the idea of people saying "Congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry s/he couldn't stay" I am going to go against the grain a little and say the word congratulations doesn't seem appropriate to me .... that is JUST my opinion though having never experienced giving birth to a forever sleeping baby.

I am not sure what the appropriate thing to say would be, other than how deeply sorry you were to hear of the loss of their son/daughter. Anything really heartfelt will sound sincere especially coming from a very close team.

If the ladies here who have been through the heartache of giving birth to a sleeping baby say yes to using the word congratulations then do that, I have never been in their shoes so do not know what the right things to say are

Nae x x

[TeniBear]

Something else to consider - will someone from work be attending the funeral? If so, who? If anyone is pregnant, just run it by the family first to see if they are OK with that. We had pregnant friends at both boys' funerals, which was OK with me. People bringing babies would not have been OK.

Whereas I was a bit the opposite - I was a bit miffed everyone left their kids at home like death was contagious, and broke down when I saw a pregnant woman (aside from family, they were strangely okay with me.) Everyone's different


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks

[NaeNae]

Something else to consider - will someone from work be attending the funeral? If so, who? If anyone is pregnant, just run it by the family first to see if they are OK with that. We had pregnant friends at both boys' funerals, which was OK with me. People bringing babies would not have been OK.

Good point !!!!!!!

We had friends at our daughters funeral who had a 3 month old baby girl. They stayed up the back of the church during the service and we invited them back to our place for the scattering of her ashes. They were worried about how seeing a healthy baby would affect DH and I, but I welcomed Baby M, she was a part of their family how could I not be ok with that .... They were there supporting our family ITMS??

Nae x x

[delphmoon]

While I like the idea of people saying "Congratulations on the birth of your baby, sorry s/he couldn't stay" I am going to go against the grain a little and say the word congratulations doesn't seem appropriate to me .... that is JUST my opinion though having never experienced giving birth to a forever sleeping baby.

I am not sure what the appropriate thing to say would be, other than how deeply sorry you were to hear of the loss of their son/daughter. Anything really heartfelt will sound sincere especially coming from a very close team.

If the ladies here who have been through the heartache of giving birth to a sleeping baby say yes to using the word congratulations then do that, I have never been in their shoes so do not know what the right things to say are

Nae x x

Yes Nae, I completely understand what you are saying- the word congratulations isn't 'right' maybe? I can't remember feeling one way or another about it

Also Tash- I am the only pg one at work and I won't be attending and I think the kids thing is a parental choice thing maybe- gosh I don't know

[LionsandBears]

That's why you run it by the family first. Everyone is different. It was important to me that my friends came, pregnant or not. They asked first if it was OK. I just wanted their support. The only kids we had at DS1's funeral were my niece and nephew. My brother decided not to bring them to DS2's funeral because my niece was a mess at having lost 2 cousins so close together

Anyway, I think the card and flowers are a nice idea. Teddies are nice too. I still cling to the teddies we have for our boys. I'm not sure about a balloon though. Other items that we received include Willow figurines, an olive plant, roses. Don't bombard them with stuff though.

It's a tough one, but it's good you're doing something. If you're not sure about adding items, leave them out. It's the card and the real life support that matter the most.

I agree with Skybie - saying the baby's name is really important.

[delphmoon]

Thanks tash and everyone

Am heading to work now. See how we go xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so lots of errors hehe.

[delphmoon]

The group decided to go with a blank card where they could all write their own words on, and they loved the idea of a willow figurine (thanks Tash) with a 'greenery' themed bunch of flowers/plant style thing as we know she loves her fernery at home.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, I was abit stuck and to be honest overwhelmed and emotional.

[~StarBright~]

Hey I know you have been to work but I just wanted to add a bit... I hated the thought of "Congratulations".. I know that DD was born and thats wonderful, but she also died and thats not something to congratulate. And it was like a sting (or knife in my heart) to hear Congratulations, it was like Congrats, your baby died! I know that isnt how people feel when they say or write it, but its how it made me feel. But everyone is different- as this thread goes to show.. but I just wanted to put it out there.

Definately acknowledge her baby, and say your sad and sorry to hear that he or she is gone. And it will be hard on you being so close to term, in the future when/if you are both back at work together, she may be a bit ackward with you, dont take it personally... just be aware.

Its great that your all banding together to be there for her xoxox

[delphmoon]

We ended up saying something like " We are so sad to hear the loss of X. Please know our love, thoughts and prayers are with you and DH". The girls just wanted to keep the main comment short and then those that wanted to wrote their own little thing. We also all agreed that "Congratulations" wasn't really what we were trying to say so didn't use that.

As Tash said- we think its more important to show we support and love her

[Tegam]

I also think a photo frame is nice, its a gift they can keep, it shows that you would be happy to see their beautiful baby and it supports them to be proud to show their baby IYGWIM?

I am also so sorry for you, to be term and have to face baby loss is never easy, be kind to yourself but only give of yourself what you can.....