I don't normally post in the MC&L threads. I have had several early m/cs (chemical pg) mostly before I even realised I was pg. My m/c at 10wks in January wasn't a big shock as we knew things weren't progressing too well with my first ever proper pg and when we got the news at 10wks that the heartbeat was now gone I felt both sorrow and some relief that the waiting to find out the inevitable had now ended. Those 6 weeks from BFP to 10 wk scan were full of hope mixed with overwhelming fear it was too good to be true and an underlying ridiculous belief that I couldn't possibly have something go right with my TTC/pg. To be proved right in that was kind of masochistic.

The sadness I now feel is mostly because my m/c was never really acknowledged by those around us. We received one card, from my SIL, and boy did it make me cry and did I feel gratitude that our loss was publicly acknowledged in that small way. Noone I know asks how I am doing after the m/c because I always give off a positive demenour and forward looking perspective with our TTC, because that is the way for me to cope best and keep hope alive for DH and I on our journey to be parents.

I now wonder is it because I have never experienced motherhood that my m/c is not acknowledged by those that have experienced motherhood. Another masochistic feeling.

I wish I didn't feel so bitter about it. I really believe noone should have to endure what DH and I have endured to then have it all taken away just when finally something worked after much effort from many people including my lovely ED sister.

I tried to explain to my BF what it really may feel like. We studied together for 4 years, were good students and did well putting every effort into our studies. I said, 'imagine you were studying our degree for over 4 years and every single time you did an exam or hand in an assignment you get a fail. That is every month for the four years you fail and are exactly where you were at the start of your studies with really nothing to show, no progress at all but you pick up and try try again. Then occasionally you also have a big test (IVF) and you have great hopes and expectations that this time you have done well and will scrape a pass, only to fail once again.

Passing a 'test' for the first time in 4 years was a momentous occassion. It was so brilliant to be able to tell those closest to us that we had finally 'passed'. Our failure to achieve a pass 'grade' though went largely unacknowledged even though everyone knew how much effort we have put in.

I know logically that my pg was never meant to be. We didn't have a sticky enough embryo and nature tooks its course. I am at peace with that.

Why though do I hang onto these bitter negative thoughts that only continue to harm me and noone else?