why do I feel this way?

[dusty]

I don't normally post in the MC&L threads. I have had several early m/cs (chemical pg) mostly before I even realised I was pg. My m/c at 10wks in January wasn't a big shock as we knew things weren't progressing too well with my first ever proper pg and when we got the news at 10wks that the heartbeat was now gone I felt both sorrow and some relief that the waiting to find out the inevitable had now ended. Those 6 weeks from BFP to 10 wk scan were full of hope mixed with overwhelming fear it was too good to be true and an underlying ridiculous belief that I couldn't possibly have something go right with my TTC/pg. To be proved right in that was kind of masochistic.

The sadness I now feel is mostly because my m/c was never really acknowledged by those around us. We received one card, from my SIL, and boy did it make me cry and did I feel gratitude that our loss was publicly acknowledged in that small way. Noone I know asks how I am doing after the m/c because I always give off a positive demenour and forward looking perspective with our TTC, because that is the way for me to cope best and keep hope alive for DH and I on our journey to be parents.

I now wonder is it because I have never experienced motherhood that my m/c is not acknowledged by those that have experienced motherhood. Another masochistic feeling.

I wish I didn't feel so bitter about it. I really believe noone should have to endure what DH and I have endured to then have it all taken away just when finally something worked after much effort from many people including my lovely ED sister.

I tried to explain to my BF what it really may feel like. We studied together for 4 years, were good students and did well putting every effort into our studies. I said, 'imagine you were studying our degree for over 4 years and every single time you did an exam or hand in an assignment you get a fail. That is every month for the four years you fail and are exactly where you were at the start of your studies with really nothing to show, no progress at all but you pick up and try try again. Then occasionally you also have a big test (IVF) and you have great hopes and expectations that this time you have done well and will scrape a pass, only to fail once again.

Passing a 'test' for the first time in 4 years was a momentous occassion. It was so brilliant to be able to tell those closest to us that we had finally 'passed'. Our failure to achieve a pass 'grade' though went largely unacknowledged even though everyone knew how much effort we have put in.

I know logically that my pg was never meant to be. We didn't have a sticky enough embryo and nature tooks its course. I am at peace with that.

Why though do I hang onto these bitter negative thoughts that only continue to harm me and noone else?

[~Trish~]

Oh Dusty . It is not because you haven't experienced motherhood fully yet that people don't say anything, or acknowledge your loss. It makes no difference if you already have children or not, people just don't know what to say. People don't want to bring it up with you in case it upsets you. People haven't been through it themselves and have no idea how much it hurts to lose a bub, how much it hurts to have to give up your hopes and dreams. They think it is easy to move on.

I had my second loss in August of last year, it was a very early loss, but it hurt more than my first loss did at 6 weeks. I really appreciated it when the few people I told talked about it with me and acknowledged my feelings. I was able to do the same for a very good friend who also had a loss in January because I knew how she would be feeling and that it is important to talk about it.

I guess that's what sets you apart from others Dusty, you have been there and you know what others that are going through it need. May you come across some other lovely women who can give you the understanding and acknowledgment you need .

[briggsy's girl]

i agree with Trish hun - it's not about not experiencing motherhood that makes people discount your pain - it is, in most cases, about a lack of understanding of your pain - and the inability to find the right words. as you know, we too went through a lot of pain to get to this point, and have had most of it "discounted" as being less than important because they were early losses, and because i pushed through (work etc) while suffering the pain of the loss. the people in my life didn't (and still dont) understnad the pain beneath the veneer, and, i get the impression, are too scared to mention it in case they stir something up that IS painful for me.

what you have been through is painful in ways that no one but you and your DH can understand - simply because the pain you have suffered is so very personal to your own journey. many of us can grasp that pain, but as each of us has walked a different path, each of us has suffered a different pain that is unique to us and our losses. i would suggest you let as much of the pain (and, at this point, potentially bitterness that is building) out in some way. whether it be with the girls here on BB (a HUGE outlet for so many of us) or your DH, or whether you simply find a journal and outline your feelings for you alone, don't allow yourself to become more bitter about the pain you are feeling

like you, i haven't posted much in the miscarriage and loss forums - i always felt like my "home" was the AC area, and felt like a fraud coming in here and venting about my chemical pregnancies alongside those who had suffered later losses - but i now realise that you can't segregate yourself like that - you are an individual who has many facets and you need to search to find your niche and the support you so desperately deserve as you continue on your travels

thinking of you Dusty

BG

[nicjay]

Dusty, to you. I found the same thing happened after my m/c as well, I still have family members that have not acknowledged our loss I found it very difficult to deal with for quite some time too and TBH I am still quite bitter about it I wish I could change my feelings but I can't.

I really do believe that is is not so much because you have not experienced motherhood, but because these people have not experienced m/c, KWIM? They simply don't understand the pain associated with it (not to mention LTTTC in your case as well). They ignore it because they don't know what to say, or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing to you and upsetting you more.

I wish there was something I could say to you that would help now But passing of time does help, I can now look these people in the eye and not feel such total anger with them, but on the other hand I will never forget that they ignored my pain either

Take care of yourselves hun xo

[Inanna]

I haven't read the other two responses so pardon me for that...

Dusty darling heart...

This is not about those people being parents to Earth babies. It is about lots of things.
The biggest one is we live in a society unable to deal with death. Death is a dirty word, one we shy away from. We shun it (as a society). People find it easy to brush off a miscarriage as "wasn't meant to be" or "only a little bit pregnant".

When a baby enters your womb - your sacred chalice - that baby lives it's footprints on your soul. He/she was alive - you saw her/him on that screen, you watched in amazement as that flicker of a heartbeat lit up your own heart.

Sadly some people don't have whole hearts - they are afraid of hearing, experiencing or pondering your pain. They don't have enough room or enough understanding in their own hearts.

Your babies they grew your heart bigger - if there is a brightness in this story it is that that is their gift.

TTC for so long is painful - again we as a society shy away from others pain. It's all too hard - so they say nothing.

I wish I could say something really profound - but all I know is that this is truly hard, it sucks and I am not able to take that away from you. If I could I would...

We are all here for you to lean upon - we will face the fire with you and not shrink away from it... Because in different ways we all understand...

[dusty]

Thank you beautiful women. You have each in your own way helped me to have a bit more insight and be a bit more at peace. I had thought these thoughts would pass but the bitterness just grew. I think I can move on though and I thank you for helping me to do that
xx

[Michelle71]

With a loss of any sort you often feel like it isn't acknowledged because people just don't know what to say or what to do. Some make stupid comments - "it was meant to be", "it was God's will" etc etc etc. Others ignore the entire event even happened to the point of never acknowledging the existence of a pregnancy or the loss of that child.

I actually felt the opposite with my miscarriages and in particular the stillbirth of Caitlyn. I felt those without children ignored me more BIL hurt me immensely (and continues to do so) by not acknowledging her existence. My PIL and SIL are my gems - they remember every year and make sure Caitlyn is acknowledged. Those small gestures mean so much.

Sometimes you continue with the masochistic thoughts just so you can feel something - anything. Because trying and trying and trying and still feeling like you are no closer leaves you emotionally drained and numb. And the only way to be able to continue on the journey in search of your child is to coat yourself with that protective shield of numbness. If you don't hope for anything positive, then you can't possible get hurt anymore.

I'm not sure this is of any use or even makes any sense but and know that so many of us understand your pain and those emotions.

[alioops]

Yep Dusty, With you there hun.

My little angels don't often make it into converstation. When I spoke to a dr about it when I was bleeding with lots of clots he basically said that I was never pg, to which I responded that AF was unusual and I had multiple positive HPT's the day before. Being so early though the quantitive hCG had already taken a drop and was below the level the lab determines as being pg. It was 5.

My GP was much more supportive the following month. I had taken Em for an appointment a couple of days before AF was due, and told her that I had a faint positive and she asked if I would like her to do a test, and I said that I would rather wait untl AF was late considering the last month's experience. She said that she hoped it wasn't another CP and was hoping to see me in a few days. The next appointment we had was in the days before we moved and I told her that it had been another CP, and she agreed with me.

My MW for the sticky one counted both of my CPs in my record. I felt validated that a hospital were recognising them, and not giving the same attitude that the ER doctor for the first one had.

Please know hun that a loss is a loss, and each one has left a tiny footprint on your heart. I thought of my 1st angel last week, on what would have been my EDD, and I know I will probably think of my second angel in a few weeks time, on my other EDD. Just because they are not among us does not mean that their lives have no meaning, they have made an impact on your life, and that deserves recognition.

Fly free little Angels, but know you are never forgotten.

[buliej]

Hi Dusty - I read your post yesterday and have been trying to think of what to say and I haven't come up with much as I don't understand what other people are thinking about our TTC journeys. I have found bellybelly to be my biggest outlet for all those feelings and where I get the most support. People really don't know what to say - and I do think the IVF journey and the roller coaster ride is only truly understood by those who have been there.

And you are absolutely right that no one should have to endure this ...and to endure it with disappointment at the end is just horrible.

[Possums]

Dusty- I just wanted to send you my best thoughts and wishes and to say I can understand your feelings. You have been through so much and to have that loss at the end is simply not fair. And the loss is certainly real and painful. And many people, as others here have said, don't know how to acknowledge that, they are scared of it, don't understand it, dont want to understand it because it's all too hard, or maybe they do want to understand but simply don't know/get how you feel. Miscarriage loss in our society still is not very recognised or discussed. That in itself is hurtful for those of us who have faced it.

I have found that not many people have acknowledged my losses in a way that I need. Fortunately I have had family support and a couple of friends I can talk it through with, some who do understand to a degree (although unless anyone has been in the exact shoes, each experience is so different of course). Like you, in this whole time, with our losses, I have received one card, from a most unexpected person, and it was so so lovely to receive that public acknowledgement of our loss and pain.

I also find, that perhaps initially people wonder how you are, but as time goes on, it's like that chapter is closed and done with, and that things have moved on. When in fact, for me, to an extent the grieving, the sadness, the anger continues. People dont seem to realise that, or again, it's easier not to go there, or they are scared of saying/asking the wrong thing, and so they say nothing.

I don't know if this helps, but I just wanted you to know I understand, and that I think there are many complex reasons why people don't give the support we need.
I am so far from handling it all in the way I would like, that I won't even attempt to tell you how to cope. I think one day at a time, processing/understanding things gradually, until more inner peace comes again. That's what I am currently doing. For me I have WAY too much anger still, at many aspects of it all. I need to let that go bit by bit.

You are an amazing woman with so much wisdom and insight. Don't forget, it's OK to struggle with some things, and don't beat yourself up for the way you feel at all.

Thinking of you

[Chez67]

Hi Dusty

I agree with Flowerchild. From my experience, I think the lack of acknowledgement comes about because of our society's taboo on open displays of grief and the lack of acceptance of death as a normal part of life. As I read somewhere recently, it is more acceptable to sit in a movie theatre surrounded by strangers, watching a movie about people who didn't exist, played by people you will never meet, and cry openly. Yet when it comes to a real life situation this display of grief is frowned upon because it makes other people uncomfortable! So what! You have every right to grieve for your baby. From the moment you knew you were pg, you and DH made 'room' for the baby in your lives. The baby became part of you both and your grieving is reflecting all of your lost hopes and dreams that you had for your little one, all of them never to be experienced things such as first smile, first laugh, first step, first cuddle.... You will always grieve for that lost future and that is perfectly natural. To not grieve would be a cause for major concern about your mental health.

Dearest DW , remember that I am hear to talk to, to meet up and just go shopping, or take a walk, or whatever you need, just call me or sms me. I know I could use a friend who understands me at the moment! And if you think you're not coping on your own, I have the details of counsellor who specialises in pg loss and infertility, and she's very close to your house as well. Just let me know. And I have some pg loss books that might help you as well. They have helped me lots!

Take care hun and go easy on yourself,
love Cherylxx

[Possums]

chez- that is a good way of putting it all too....It help me to read your explanations anyway

[Chez67]

No worries Possum, glad to help

Good luck with your cycle hun, am thinking of you!

[Gabi]

I just wanted to say something about the 'not experiencing motherhood' thing. Thing is, you HAVE experienced motherhood, it's just that your experience hasn't been as lovely and as rosy as other peoples. Losing a child is the worst - no matter what age. - and you have lost several.

Your feelings are much the same as mine have been. I hate that people ignore my losses, and that they are very...weird...around me whenever I'm pregnant. People don't like to think about death and pregnancy in the same sentence, and it's sad that this means that they aren't able to support you.

[dusty]

I also find, that perhaps initially people wonder how you are, but as time goes on, it's like that chapter is closed and done with, and that things have moved on. When in fact, for me, to an extent the grieving, the sadness, the anger continues. People dont seem to realise that, or again, it's easier not to go there, or they are scared of saying/asking the wrong thing, and so they say nothing.

Thanks Possums. The saying nothing really gets to me. It is a fact, something that happened but it is brushed over or ignored. For example a month after the m/c I went to Em's ILs for a BBQ. They are like family to DH and I. I brought up my m/c but it was ignored as no one said anything, like not even sorry. I spoke to one of them about their recent breast cancer and shared my concern with them as I haven't seen her in a few years, which all seemed to be acceptable but talking about my m/c wasn't even though I know they were all so excited when our ED cycle with Em worked.

Cheryl that movies analogy is shocking isn't it. Thanks for sharing and I would like to catch up. I hope you got my text msg.

Gabi thanks for sharing your perspective. I wish I felt some semblance of motherhood but sadly I don't. I feel a sense of responsibility and connection for my siblings' and friends' children but my pg was mostly one of denial and anxiety that I didn't have any real connection to my child. Even when I passed the embryonic sac it was all too late for me. But I hope to have that connection one day, in the not too distant future.

Michelle, I am so sorry you experienced such a loss of Caitlyn. What a beautiful name. I get you on why we have masochistic thoughts. Thanks for sharing hun.

Ali, Julie, thanks for sharing and for your thoughts.

I am reading (again!) Stephanie Dowrick's Choosing Happiness, and I know that I need to let go of these bitter/angry feelings to be able to be happy. So I will be kind to myself for now and know that with time I will let go and forgive (myself) for holding onto these negative thoughts.

xx

[Inanna]

I am a Stephanie fan - another that is really helpful is Byron Katie (she's an author) she has really practical advice...

Thinking of you my love...

[Possums]

Dusty- I hope the book does help (and thanks for suggesting I read it...I am finding it good) and you can find a bit more peace with it all, or ways of handling these hurtful aspects.
I wanted to add on the subject of people ignoring/glossing over the loss.... I too have experienced that as I said, and i think it seems to particularly happen when it's an 'early loss'. Of course, later loss must surely be worse, harder to handle and I feel so much for anyone who has to face that, however an early loss is also really hard, and still a loss.

For example, recently a family friend lost twin girls at 24 weeks. It is really horrible and I feel for her and the grief she is facing, and can only imagine how painful it must be. The thing which however upset me and my mum (who is also grieving my losses) is that so many friends of the family keep commenting about how terrible it is for this friend, about how stressed she will be when/if she is pregnant again..and so on. It's really nice that they care and say those things, and I certainly am not upset that she is receiving concern and support which she surely needs....I just wish my family (ie me, DH, my mum) had received more of that support and understanding also- they are the sort of things which did NOT get said regarding my losses and experiences. And the same people will then say to my mum, "oh how is possums, she must be better and back to herself now?" and mum says "well no, she's not really, she has dealt with a lot, and is now going through IVF again etc etc".... it would have been nice to have received some more understanding too.
It just made me realise that when the loss is 'big' enough, perhaps it gets more recognition. My friend also had a funeral etc (which must have been sooo hard), so it's a recognised loss. I hope in a way, that has helped her in some way.

Anyway, i don't mean to take over with my stories, just have been reflecting on how people respond and why, and why sometimes those of us with 'early losses' can feel hurt or ignored etc

[dusty]

I hear you Possums. I am so glad you have your mum's understanding and support. She sounds very special and loving and it is great to have someone in your corner doing some of the advocacy for you and leading and showing the way in how you want your loss to be recognised.

What I like about Stephanie's book, is I can delve in anywhere in the book and find something that speaks to me. I have found a note book also helps to jot down some of her suggestions or to do a little thinking of my own if I feel up to it. I am glad you are finding it useful too.

Recognition of loss is important. I once did a big vent about how LTers don't tend to get the recognition for ongoing loss, the loss of opportunity each month, loss of opportunity with a BFN after IVF and now for me loss when it happens before birth and in our case before 12 weeks - before it is socially acceptable time to share your pg news with the world and for it to be recognised.