Oh Dusty . It is not because you haven't experienced motherhood fully yet that people don't say anything, or acknowledge your loss. It makes no difference if you already have children or not, people just don't know what to say. People don't want to bring it up with you in case it upsets you. People haven't been through it themselves and have no idea how much it hurts to lose a bub, how much it hurts to have to give up your hopes and dreams. They think it is easy to move on.
I had my second loss in August of last year, it was a very early loss, but it hurt more than my first loss did at 6 weeks. I really appreciated it when the few people I told talked about it with me and acknowledged my feelings. I was able to do the same for a very good friend who also had a loss in January because I knew how she would be feeling and that it is important to talk about it.
I guess that's what sets you apart from others Dusty, you have been there and you know what others that are going through it need. May you come across some other lovely women who can give you the understanding and acknowledgment you need .
i agree with Trish hun - it's not about not experiencing motherhood that makes people discount your pain - it is, in most cases, about a lack of understanding of your pain - and the inability to find the right words. as you know, we too went through a lot of pain to get to this point, and have had most of it "discounted" as being less than important because they were early losses, and because i pushed through (work etc) while suffering the pain of the loss. the people in my life didn't (and still dont) understnad the pain beneath the veneer, and, i get the impression, are too scared to mention it in case they stir something up that IS painful for me.
what you have been through is painful in ways that no one but you and your DH can understand - simply because the pain you have suffered is so very personal to your own journey. many of us can grasp that pain, but as each of us has walked a different path, each of us has suffered a different pain that is unique to us and our losses. i would suggest you let as much of the pain (and, at this point, potentially bitterness that is building) out in some way. whether it be with the girls here on BB (a HUGE outlet for so many of us) or your DH, or whether you simply find a journal and outline your feelings for you alone, don't allow yourself to become more bitter about the pain you are feeling
like you, i haven't posted much in the miscarriage and loss forums - i always felt like my "home" was the AC area, and felt like a fraud coming in here and venting about my chemical pregnancies alongside those who had suffered later losses - but i now realise that you can't segregate yourself like that - you are an individual who has many facets and you need to search to find your niche and the support you so desperately deserve as you continue on your travels
Dusty, to you. I found the same thing happened after my m/c as well, I still have family members that have not acknowledged our loss I found it very difficult to deal with for quite some time too and TBH I am still quite bitter about it I wish I could change my feelings but I can't.
I really do believe that is is not so much because you have not experienced motherhood, but because these people have not experienced m/c, KWIM? They simply don't understand the pain associated with it (not to mention LTTTC in your case as well). They ignore it because they don't know what to say, or they are afraid of saying the wrong thing to you and upsetting you more.
I wish there was something I could say to you that would help now But passing of time does help, I can now look these people in the eye and not feel such total anger with them, but on the other hand I will never forget that they ignored my pain either
I haven't read the other two responses so pardon me for that...
Dusty darling heart...
This is not about those people being parents to Earth babies. It is about lots of things.
The biggest one is we live in a society unable to deal with death. Death is a dirty word, one we shy away from. We shun it (as a society). People find it easy to brush off a miscarriage as "wasn't meant to be" or "only a little bit pregnant".
When a baby enters your womb - your sacred chalice - that baby lives it's footprints on your soul. He/she was alive - you saw her/him on that screen, you watched in amazement as that flicker of a heartbeat lit up your own heart.
Sadly some people don't have whole hearts - they are afraid of hearing, experiencing or pondering your pain. They don't have enough room or enough understanding in their own hearts.
Your babies they grew your heart bigger - if there is a brightness in this story it is that that is their gift.
TTC for so long is painful - again we as a society shy away from others pain. It's all too hard - so they say nothing.
I wish I could say something really profound - but all I know is that this is truly hard, it sucks and I am not able to take that away from you. If I could I would...
We are all here for you to lean upon - we will face the fire with you and not shrink away from it... Because in different ways we all understand...
Thank you beautiful women. You have each in your own way helped me to have a bit more insight and be a bit more at peace. I had thought these thoughts would pass but the bitterness just grew. I think I can move on though and I thank you for helping me to do that
xx
With a loss of any sort you often feel like it isn't acknowledged because people just don't know what to say or what to do. Some make stupid comments - "it was meant to be", "it was God's will" etc etc etc. Others ignore the entire event even happened to the point of never acknowledging the existence of a pregnancy or the loss of that child.
I actually felt the opposite with my miscarriages and in particular the stillbirth of Caitlyn. I felt those without children ignored me more BIL hurt me immensely (and continues to do so) by not acknowledging her existence. My PIL and SIL are my gems - they remember every year and make sure Caitlyn is acknowledged. Those small gestures mean so much.
Sometimes you continue with the masochistic thoughts just so you can feel something - anything. Because trying and trying and trying and still feeling like you are no closer leaves you emotionally drained and numb. And the only way to be able to continue on the journey in search of your child is to coat yourself with that protective shield of numbness. If you don't hope for anything positive, then you can't possible get hurt anymore.
I'm not sure this is of any use or even makes any sense but and know that so many of us understand your pain and those emotions.
My little angels don't often make it into converstation. When I spoke to a dr about it when I was bleeding with lots of clots he basically said that I was never pg, to which I responded that AF was unusual and I had multiple positive HPT's the day before. Being so early though the quantitive hCG had already taken a drop and was below the level the lab determines as being pg. It was 5.
My GP was much more supportive the following month. I had taken Em for an appointment a couple of days before AF was due, and told her that I had a faint positive and she asked if I would like her to do a test, and I said that I would rather wait untl AF was late considering the last month's experience. She said that she hoped it wasn't another CP and was hoping to see me in a few days. The next appointment we had was in the days before we moved and I told her that it had been another CP, and she agreed with me.
My MW for the sticky one counted both of my CPs in my record. I felt validated that a hospital were recognising them, and not giving the same attitude that the ER doctor for the first one had.
Please know hun that a loss is a loss, and each one has left a tiny footprint on your heart. I thought of my 1st angel last week, on what would have been my EDD, and I know I will probably think of my second angel in a few weeks time, on my other EDD. Just because they are not among us does not mean that their lives have no meaning, they have made an impact on your life, and that deserves recognition.
Fly free little Angels, but know you are never forgotten.
Hi Dusty - I read your post yesterday and have been trying to think of what to say and I haven't come up with much as I don't understand what other people are thinking about our TTC journeys. I have found bellybelly to be my biggest outlet for all those feelings and where I get the most support. People really don't know what to say - and I do think the IVF journey and the roller coaster ride is only truly understood by those who have been there.
And you are absolutely right that no one should have to endure this ...and to endure it with disappointment at the end is just horrible.
. It is not because you haven't experienced motherhood fully yet that people don't say anything, or acknowledge your loss. It makes no difference if you already have children or not, people just don't know what to say. People don't want to bring it up with you in case it upsets you. People haven't been through it themselves and have no idea how much it hurts to lose a bub, how much it hurts to have to give up your hopes and dreams. They think it is easy to move on.
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I found it very difficult to deal with for quite some time too and TBH I am still quite bitter about it 
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