Hi Mikenzees mum & welcome to the group! I'm sorry to hear about your rough past year. I hope your dd's 2nd year will only get better.
Nic, what you said is right on target. Gemma came at 33 weeks & even though everything was fine...she was always pink & breathed well, never set off the monitors, no circulatory issues...you still are dealing with a tiny, sleepy baby who is very hard to feed properly.
Since there were no health issues & she was discharged from NICU so quickly, everyone thought that I was just "home with the baby" as if with any other newborn. Many people were surprised to learn that I was not able to return the breast pump until she was well over 3 months old. I felt like I was living in a fog until she was about 6 months old.

Nic, I hope you go FT! I know, we get so wound up in these feelings...and you wonder how much to trust yourself, or if you are making it difficult when it doesn't need to be.