Please don't judge me - just need a place to vent

[Trillian]

Oh hun there have been so many women who have felt the same way as you and there will be more to come after you. It sure isn't easy at times and I remember being the same as you with my first bub and it got to the point where DH just took him for a long drive because he would always sleep in the car so you could drive for hours before he woke and he left me at home to have a decent stretch of sleep and I tell you what it made a huge difference to my mental state at the time. I had a nice long hot shower too before they came back and I felt like I'd had a release kwim? We also had loads of issues with breastfeeding too and that didn't help at all either. I remember too on day 4 at home that I was beside myself crying and telling DH that I wish it was just the two of us again and it was just too hard and I didnt' want him anymore.

THings you can try would be to get DH to take her while you either sleep - get him to take her out of the house so you aren't tempted to get up to her if you hear her crying - or just do something that will recharge your batteries, hot shower etc. The other thing you can do is have a bath with her, make it nice an deep and jump in with her and just have a play and get her in a good frame of mind and then try feeding her. You will both be a lot more relaxed and it might be easier to get her to take the breast.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling this way though hun, because you just feel so awful about feeling like that and wondering if you amade a mistake, but it DOES get easier and whenever you need a shoulder to cry on or just a hug, there will always be someone here for you

[onthefly]

NEver any judgment hon As you can see from the responses, we all understand.

The mother "coping great" on her own is an urban myth we must put a stop to!

This takes courage, but when you're not coping it's time to ask for help - Take whatever is offered to you and ask from whomever you can. Definately call the ABA and maybe get onto your hospital - they may have LCs and daystay facilities to help you out. (You've seen an LC already? Maybe need to find a different one)

[Life is Good]

Hi NaeNae

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I am afraid that I just don't have time now to read everyone else's posts, but I just wanted to share my (similar) story.

I only breastfed for 2 weeks, primarily because of a ridiculously low supply, but during those two weeks I had the same problem. Turned out it was because our Monster had a very stiff neck because of how he was positioned in utero. Apparently this is quite common. Another side-effect of the stiff neck is a flattening of the head on the one side. Because of the stiff neck they also tend to tilt their head to one side when sleeping. I am not sure if this is also happening with your bub.

The stiff neck can be addressed by a physio, chiropractor or osteapath and it may be something that you just want to rule out, as it is something quite easily fixed over a couple of appointments.

It is a long shot, but it may explain why bubby favours lying on the one side.

All the best and I hope things get easier.

[Tanya]

Nae, No-one is going to judge you, if you need help ask for it. You are not alone and there are plenty of ppl who would gladly help you out. Motherhood is not easy to adjust to, it's HARD!

So PLEASE if you need help, ask for it, you will not be judged a bad person/mother for it.

xx
Tanya

[indie24]

No advice just offering you a hug DD has always prefered one bb to the other. I agree with everyone to ring the ABA. I found them to be a great help.

[MantaRay]

Nae, the first weeks with a new baby are really, really hard, and most of us feel overwhelmed. It's such a pity that people don't talk about it enough, so we each feel like we are abnormal when it happens to us. But we are not - we are totally normal. You are normal hun. You are not a failure, you are not a bad mum, you are a new mum, that's all

As far as the bfing goes, do you know if your LC is IBCLC qualified? If not it might be an idea to find one who is - the ABA helpline 1800 mum 2 mum can give you a list of ones in your area. Some things that spring to mind have already been mentioned - flat nipple, tongue tie, neck alignment etc. A good LC should be able to check for these things. It is totally possible to continue feeding with these things once you know about it and what to do about it.

Have you tried Baby Led Attachment? This works for many mums who are unable to attach their babies any other way. There is some information here - Australian Breastfeeding Association - Baby-led attachment - and the helpline will be able to talk you through it as well. Another option might be a nipple shield, but I would suggest you only try this in consultation with an LC.

The helpline number is 1800 mum 2 mum. It's 24 hours, 7 days a week so you can call right now

I know it doesn't seem like it just yet, but things will get easier hun. We are all here for you in the meantime. It does help to rest when you can, so don't even think about doing any housework for now

All the best hun

[Kazbah]

*hugs* I wish I could offer more than that, but it looks like you have some great offers, specially from BG. Don't refuse offers to help!!!!

*hugs* kaz

[Lolli]

Oh Nae. huge hunny. Having a newborn baby the first time around was the hardest thing i have ever done- the first few weeks were just horrible and all I did was cry. I had a similiar thing with ds, and i think it was because of the way he was positioned in utero. we ended up feeding using a football hold on the left side for six weeks.

I promise it will get easier. I promise that what you are feeling is totally normal, and as you can see, a lot of us have been there. Recharge when you can, sleep when you can, take whatever help you can get. It is possible to see a different mhn? Someone who will take you seriously instead of brushing you off?

None of us judge you sweetheart. We're all thinking of you, knowing how hard it is, and sending you strength and love to get through it

[Lulu]

for you hun.

Lots of good advice and reassurance - I just wanted to say I second, third, fourth and FIFTH getting bubs checked by a good baby chiro. Poor DS couldn't move his head hardly and how are you supposed to notice when they are so young? He had a very fast birth too.

[Janie]

Nae, massive, massive hugs for you my love, I really feel for you right now .

I am so sorry that I don't have time for a lengthy reply, but you have already been given some wonderful suggestions. I just wanted to add a couple of things.....

It is so incredibly upsetting when your baby screams and just will not attach to the breast. Please don't feel bad that this frustrates you, it really is difficult to cope with . Fortunately, there are ways to get past, or around, this. A PP suggested lying down to feed.....brilliant idea. Also, it may sound wacky, but hear me out........feed her (at least on the right) while you're standing up. I found out that this worked by accident, but have since read and heard that this can be really helpful for babies that are fussing or refusing the breast. You could try feeding in the bath, many mums swear that this is a life saver. Try any different position that you are comfortable in hun. There is no right or wrong here, just what works for you and your baby.

If you feel comfortable doing so, give the ABA a call 1800 MUM2MUM. You don't need to be a subscriber to call, and whoever you speak to will be a mum who is happy to listen to you, and offer suggestions that may help. They may also be able to help you find another IBCLC in your area, if you are inclined to try someone different at this stage.

The Paed. Osteo/Chiro idea is a good one too .

If you feel happy doing so, maybe you could show your DH this thread? He sounds as though he's trying very hard to be incredibly supportive........but often guys just don't get it. You're tired, you're hormonal, you're stressed. This is an incredible time of upheaval for you both, but more so for you because of the hormonal changes. Of course you love your baby hun, needing help and support through tricky times does not make you less of a mum, or love her any less. Maybe if your DH can see it more through your eyes (and eyes of those who have BTDT) he will have a better idea of how best to support you.

Hang in there Nae, you will get there. Know that you have plenty of love and support around you, we are all here for you

[Nelle]

What support do you have around you Nae?

If the issue is with the right side.... Is it possible that you have oversupply on that side and bub is protesting that it's too much all at once? At any rate, keep talking to us and describing what happens, and we'll try and help you figure out what it is. You've already had some suggestions that might fit with your situation too. It's hard work figuring these little ones out, what works for them.

[Indadhanu]

Oh babe!

Everyone has given some GREAT advice, and I just wanted to say exactly what Minky has said:

Nae,
I think also the journey you have travelled makes you feel like it should be like a "picture". It was quite hard to get here and how can we possibly not love every aspect of motherhood. Be gentle on yourself and hopefully some of the wonderful ideas pp have posted may help. To be honest - It took me a long time to really enjoy motherhood and felt I couldnt tell people any of the true feelings.

Motherhood is NOT easy, no one ever said it was easy But is it worth it. The first few weeks are the hardest when it comes to breastfeeding, and no it probably won't be enjoyable until your milk has settled down, your nipples have gotten used to the extra stimulation, and your emotions aren't all over the place from the birth. I think having a chat with an LC or the ABA would be great, if only to give you someone to vent to! Also, the paed. chiro is a good idea too.

Take BG up on her offer, it is a really wonderful gesture and one that you should take BTW, I remember many times I ended up sitting on the shower floor crying my eyes out. No one tells you all these emotions will make you feel like you've hit rock bottom in the pit of dispair. Honestly, thats how I felt. And I felt like crap. It's annoying to hear, but feeling like that is NORMAL. It's not nice. It's not pretty. It certainly doesn't make you feel motherly. But it's NORMAL.

[Jahzara]

Nae,

Just wanted to give you some more of these

I am another that spent alot of time in the shower bawling with both DS#1 and DS#2.
I was so tired and emotional and had reflux / allergy babies who seemed to do nothing but cry / scream. Very very very hard times !

I totally understand - i did leave home one day - walked out and left my DH with 2 kids - i was gone for a couple of hours. I had no family or friends support cause we were in another state away from everyone. Easily the hardest time of my life !
This was when DS#2 was nearly a month old - we were still trying to find out what was wrong with him. I had reached breaking point and just needed to get away - all i wanted was my Mum - she had already gone back home and i wanted her to come back !

I really hope that things improve for you - you have alot of fantastic advice here - i hope it helps !

Please know that no-one is judging you and that you are definitely not alone.

I will be thinking of you - please take care.
Accept any help that comes your way.

Love to you and your family
xoxoxoxoxox

[Miss E]

Oh honey, I don't want to be patronising, but I so know how you feel. Those first few weeks are just so hard, particularly when you have bf problems. It all probably seems impossible at the moment, but it will get better (sorry, I got so sick of people telling me that, but it is true).

Your little girl is so lucky to have a mummy who is so dedicated to her. You're doing a great job Nae, don't be too hard on yourself

[Inanna]

Firstly big cuddles.

What you are feeling could have been written by me and I am sure many other mamas...

The gossamer image of the baby blissful at the breast - Mama coiffed and in a rocking chair with gauzy curtains blowing gently in the breeze... Often that takes time and hard work if it happens at all. It is a picture pedalled by the media!!!

This is so new to you. I fully get that you could walk away & leave them to it. I remember putting DD14 in her cot scarlet from screaming blue murder - shutting the door and running down the back stairs to sit in the farthest corner of the yard... I felt if I stayed a minute longer I woul have lost control of my faculties. I know how hard the road has been to have Shae in your arms - but that does not make your struggles any less difficult. The first weeks are dang tough.

I didn't lose control. Ruby lived and is now 14! I breastfed her until she was 3.

It isn't unusual for babies to not want one side. A couple of my babies did just what you describe.

What I suggest is you let go of what side she needs to feed from. You know some women only feed from one side for their lactation career! However, you will need to keep offering it - calmly though allow her to decide if she will take it or not. She won't - all good feeed from the side she "likes". You will need to express of that side for comfort.

She is so small honey and this behaviour is SO common. So, don't kick yourself or beat yourself up. This is what being a Mama is. It's about accepting your limits, persevering even when it feels impossible, and it's about a relationship between the two of you. She only knows you, you are her Universe! Don't take it as a rejection of you but rather just a quirky thing that many babies do.

Sending you love and support.

[misty]

I think everyone has already given you any advice that I possibly could have. But I just thought that I would let you know that I have felt that way with all 3 of my newborn babies (and sometimes as they are older for various reasons too). Usually somewhere between week 1 and week 2, I have a complete mental breakdown, go off at poor dh and completely shut everyone out because I can no longer cope with the lack of sleep, complete exhaustion and need to feed a newborn continually (I mean what is the point in even trying to sleep if I am just going to be woken up in a half an hour anyway).

This will pass (god I hated people telling me that). In the meantime, just take things one hr at a time. Taking an hr for yourself, is not going to hurt bubs or dh. relax. meditate. read a book. have a bath. have a sleep. do whatever you need to do to help keep yourself sane.

huggs. Just hang in there, I am sure you are doing a fabulous job. The absolute hardest thing is getting through these first few weeks and months.

[Emma1979]

its hard, and no one can fully explain to you just how hard it is, you have to see for yourself, i remember thinking 'oh my god is this what people go thru to have kids!!!!!!!!' i was flabbagasted that this was what it was like and wondered why anyone would go back for seconds.

its not easy, and sometimes it gets harder before it gets easier..... i felt as you described for probably the first six months.... even now pregnant with number 2 i am nervous at juggling a newborn and toddler together and wondering how i will cope.... this is why women have babies and not men! we are strong and even though you think you can't get thru it, you will, cos you have to!

i highly recommend a baby cradle swing (i wouldn't have survived without mine) - and i highly recommend taking bubs to a specialist chiropractor/osteopath - because in hindsight i really feel this could have helped my little girl and i never did it, and maybe it could have given us both some relief instead of induring her screams for so many months... in hindsight i think her neck was perhaps damaged as the obstetrician manually turned her while she was inutero, via the birth canal, and i could never lay her on her back or have her in the pram, she was just miserable. its worth a shot.

re: the breast feeding, its hard and i hated it.... keep trying and persevere and try to get all the support that is available to you, there are breast feeding clinics at warragul... have you tried a nipple shield - not sure if it would help. If at the end of the day it doesn't work out and you use formula, at least you will know you tried everything possible....

going into motherhood for the secondtime i feel a bit more confident i suppose in not stressing over things, if the breastfeeding doesn't work out (i dearly hope it does) - i'm not going to stress and beat myself up, as i know formula does the job just fine.... if this bub only wants to sleep in a sling or swing or attached to me, i will just go along with it, instead of trying to force it into a cot on its back, as i now know that it doesn't last forever and you just got to follow their lead and do whatever works...

sorry i've rambled - i'm very pregnant and very depressed and uncomfortable and am dealing not very well with my very active and loud 2.5 year old.... so i'm sorry if the above was little help or didn't make sense.

[Lily Dust]

Oh sweetheart, I want you to know I was exactly where you are about 5 weeks ago! You said every word I had sobbed to DH. I thought I was the most awful mother and yes I thought 'what the hell have I done' and yet you still feel so incredibly in love with them when they finally settle and drift off. I felt guilty that I was being ungrateful too after waiting 5 years and also losing a little angel.

NaeNae you are certainly happy to be a mum, you are not in the least bit ungrateful and it can be down right hard and dare I say it horrid at times. You are a huge success hon, you have been feeding for over a week and that is a massive accomplishment. Breastfeeding is hard, its not the miraculously wonderful miracle that I had been told about. DD still can be a horrid feeder but now I am a better feeder I panic less and it seems a little easier (not saying you are not feeding well of course, please dont think that).

Just a thought and I know you dont want to express but due to a huge gash in my left nipple, left sides really suck hey , I expressed and froze the milk till it healed 5 looooong weeks and simply fed from the right side. Maybe you could just give a single feed from the left and work your way up from that one feed a day to several. This might let you take time out from the screaming little chook and lift your spirits up again. Obviously Im no expert or even remotely good at this stuff but doing that helped me a lot.

Please know that you are SUCCESSFULLY feeding. I was told there are a few girls on here that feed exclusively from one side and if thats what works for you then go for it!

Dont ever think that anyone is judging you. You are doing a great job.