I feel it is time for an update. Since I put my thoughts and feelings on *paper* I have come sooo far - I have had another baby for a start, but not only that, emotionally I have absolved the guilt I previously felt and I know I did not fail my babies, but my body failed me - failed to do it's job and provide the liquid gold my children needed. I have no idea why this is the way it is, maybe it's because I am overweight, maybe it's because I have higher than normal blood sugar levels, maybe it's just because?

Alister
Even before I was pg with my fourth and final child there was never any question of how I would feed him - Breastfeed he would be. I didn't even twig during my pg that my lack of leaking colostrum or only increasing 1 cup size could have been indicators that breastfeeding was not to be again. I had never had a problem getting that first flush of engorgement (except for my third baby) - my problem was keeping the milk once I had it. After my babe was in my arms for the first time, I put him straight to the breast and he sucked for so long - it was bliss to have another baby at my breast again - and after I had showered and he was bathed we fed again and it was nearly 1hr that he was on both breasts for and I was loving it. After that feed he went to the nursery and we (DH and I) settled down to sleep. The next morning when I went and got my boy the MW told me he had been very mucousy and congested overnight - not a biggie, but at the first feed for he day had he fussed around a lot and wasn't attaching properly as he would gag. He had been very chucky and gagging a lot from mucus during his first night and he just didn't improve through the day either.

We did struggle through it on the second day(second full day after his birth), but by that night he was so tired from not sleeping because he was hungry I started giving him 10ml of formula after a bf and then would use a pump (manual hand pump) to encourage my milk to come in quicker for him, but it just didn't. I kept up the BF/pumping/top ups through thursday but there was just nothing - even the colostrum didn't look like colostrum anymore, just this really clear fluid. Also the attachment issues didn't resolve themselves either (small mouth, big nipple) So I made the decision to go to FF. My boobs never even showed signs that engorgement was immenment.

Another thing that was quite worrying was that he had not pooed since he was born (he did a huge mec poo when the cord went tight around his neck just before he was born) and this was of a concern to the midwives. Not only that, he wasn't having a lot of urine output either and when he did it was stained pink from the urates in his urine, signalling that he was starting to become dehydrated - hence not getting anything from me. One he was on formula though he started having normal wet and dirty nappies. Luckily he did not lose weight at all and came out of hospital at his birthweight (4.56kg) so he didn't have to regain anything.



As I look back over my problems, its only now I realise that it was out of my hands. I know that there are medications and remedies I could have tried, but to me, that is as artificial as using forumla and there was no gurantee that it would work anyway - women shouldn't have to use supplements to keep their milk.

So now I have to live with the fact that I feed my baby 'crap in a can' and there is nothing i can do about it - I have no guilt, but in the absence of a wet nurse it is all I have. I live with the knowledge that it is inferior and to think otherwise would be foolish and irresponsible. I have to also live with the possibility that my children may have health problems as adults - even now there is strong evidence to suggest that the increase in Type 2 diabetes is directly related to formula use in infancy. My chidren are not sick now - indeed they are healthy, thriving, intelligent and rarely get sick - but that could just be good genetics rather than the way they were fed. Or it could be just plain luck that they have suffered no adverse affects from it, only time will tell.

It is funny though how I have come full circle with my feelings about it all - yes, I did feel terribly guilty at first and felt I had to make all the excuses, but there is no point dwelling over it, you just have to get on with life as it is handed to you.