Sherie's parenting de-brief

[Trillian]

This is something I have wanted to get off my chest for a long time. This is more about my feeding jouney as a mother for all three of my children and I still struggle with it and how I could have done things differently. I still feel like I have failed them in some way and I don't think you ever get over the guilt completely. You can tell yourself that everything is OK, they have thrived on formula, you aren't stressed about the pain from cracked nipples anymore, but it never really goes away - it just gets pushed to the back of your mind until something is said or done to bring it all to the fore again.

DS1
I had feeding issues with him from the start. I was never told how hard BF would be - I always assumed that it being the most natural thing in the world to do should also be the easiest - I was VERY wrong. Every feed hurt and I put it down to having extremely sensitive nipples during pg. The midwives told me that it should settle soon and that yes, establishing BF would be a bit hard on them. For my entire hospital stay of 5 days I didn't have a single BF that did not hurt me and the one time I did start to feed with no pain, the midwife told me that if it didn't hurt he was attached wrong and promptly pulled him off and put him on again which did hurt. I tried many postions with him and the hospital's in house LC came and saw me and gave me some great tips but he simply would not latch properly no matter how much we tried. I had full and painful breasts and I literally curled my toes everytime he attached and started sucking. When I left hospital the first three days home were horrible. I had cracked and bleeding nipples, he still wasn't attaching properly and I cried those three days and I wished that he had never been born and I remember telling DH that I want it to go back to being the two of us again. He was supportive, but adamant that i continue to BF. I though how dare he tell me what I should be doing? he isn't the one dealing with engorged breasts, bleeding nipples and a basic feeling of not being in control of his life anymore?

I did go to the local chemist and hire a breast pump to try to give my nipples a rest - which did give some relief, but still that couldn't help with the attachment issues. At the end of the first week home I was in tears again and I demanded DH go and get me a tin of formula because I just couldn't bare the thought of feeding him anymore. The first time I gave him formula was the first time I enjoyed feeding my son - who despite all this I loved with every inch of my body and would protect him with my life. I decided to continue the BF but would use the formula to give my breasts a break and expressed the milk to store. After a few days BF was a dream - it didn't hurt and he seemed to be doing OK because he didn't have to fight for every mouthful of milk, but it was not to last, the attachment issues resurfaced and the cycle began again. The only saving grace was that I never got mastitis, but I came close several times. By the time he was 7 weeks of age he was fully FF because the cycle just kept going and even despite the advice that I sought out couldn't fix the problems. The guilt I felt was huge and I was my own worst critic, but I could see how well he was doing and slowly the guilt was pushed to the back of my mind.

DD1
DD1 was born during the first year of the worst drought on record. For those who don't know we are farmers and the drought hit with full force without warning. had we known when we conceived her that she would be born into the drought, we honestly would have waited to have another child.

During my pg I was more determined than every that she would be a BF bub. I read every book under the sun to educate myself all over about BF and how I could make it a success this time around. The very first time I fed her I attached her myself and there was NO PAIN!!! I couldn't get over how easy it was this time. She had a perfect attachment and everything started to go well. My milk came in on day 4 and she was amazing. It was such a different experience to Lindsay. I left hospital so happy that I had no BF issues. Once home she fell into the routine of feeding 12 times a day. I was happy with this because the feeding was going well. Sure she was very demanding but I thought that was normal and that every baby is different. When I took her to get weighed for the first time, I discovered that she had not put on any weight at all - she was still at her birthweight. By this stage she was 4 weeks old and I was shocked. Here I was feeding her 12 times a day and she wasn't putting on weight? I noticed that she didn't look chubby like DS1, but assumed that because she was BF she would stack it on like he did. From there it went down hill. She was screaming all the time because she was hungry and I just couldn't make enough milk no matter how much I demand fed her. This also coincided with our harvest which was to be extremely poor. The stress on both Dh and I was huge - we were worried about the future and how we would survive the following year because the crops failed. I began to realise that maybe the stress I was under was affecting my milk production because by the time she was 5 weeks old I literally had nothing left - not even going for a whole day without BF would fill my breasts at all. I was devastated - it had happened again - I had failed my child. I think I was more upset this time because everything had been going so well to this point.

Putting her on formula made an overnight difference - she was more settled and slept though the night for 8 hours at 7 weeks old. Again the old feelings of guilt resurfaced because I felt I had been starving my child and that I should have done something sooner to help her.


DD2
Fast forward 20 months and I was BF again for the third time. Again I was determined that BF would be a success and it was. DD2 fed immediately after birth and despite having to have a manual placenta removal, i fed her again after I was brought back to my room. She was an absolute angel - I couldn't have asked for a better baby. She was a textbook feeder and fed like she had done it for a 100 years. I did have trouble from the start producing milk because I lost so much blood and required a blood transfusion - my body wasn't coping with making milk for her and blood for me so I never ever felt full and never suffered engorgement like I had previously. This worried me, but while I was in hospital (7 days) she did lose just over the recommended 10% body weight, but was putting on 20g a day - a great start, or so I thought. But by the 4 week mark my milk had gone - my body just couldn't do it. It didn't help to establish supply that she slept for 8 hours at night either - making it hard to establish my supply. To say I was devastated was an understatement - I was crushed when again I started buying formula again. I knew it was the best that I could do for her but it didn't matter what i told myself - I had failed again. How unlucky could one person be to not be able to provide food for their babies?

I don't expect support, I don't expect criticism - god knows I've done enough of that myself - I just wanted to put my story out there and try to digest how I have felt as a parent. I would give anything to have been able to BF my children for longer than I did and I envy those women who can Bf with no troubles and do it for however long they choose.

No-one fully realises how hard it can be and I feel that you can't even begin to understand how a FF mother feels unless you have been there. If you have never had any trouble then Kudos to you. But mothers are the harshest critics when it comes to parenting and I constantly feel judged for my decisions - but trust me - they weren't taken lightly and if I get another chance to do it I will endeavor to do it differently.

Every time I see someone that I know successfully BFing I get all the old feelings of guilt and inadequacy come back again - "Why couldn't I do that so easy?" "Why should she be able to Bf and I couldn't?" it is something that will come back for the rest of my life and I keep telling myself that it is silly, they have all turned out fine - better than fine - they are happy, healthy and smart and I know in my heart I have done the best I could for them, but it isn't enough - I'm their Mum and I should have been able to give them the best start to life but I couldn't. I would like to get past this, and being 2 years since I last gave birth I should be over it, but I'm not and I don't know if I ever will.