I couldn't read this and not post

I am so sorry you feel so alone. You are not alone in this - not the first mum to feel this way and certainly not the last, and I promise, it does not make you a bad mum!

It can be so so hard in the first few months, you are both strangers to one another, and they are so reliant on you, it really can be like you have lost yourself to this red, screaming creature. It will get better though, things will settle.

I think perhaps you need to have a chat with your GP or MCHN about how you are feeling. Your MCHN should certainly ask you how you are feeling, be honest with her - they are there to help and can, if you are honest with her. You could be living with PND and need some support.
If you are wanting some advice on the feeding, give the ABA helpline a call - 1800 MUM2MUM - they are fabulous to offer support and advice and even just an ear to let you know it is all normal.

There are so many women here who have lived through these feelings and come out the other side, and will all be here to offer you love understanding and support whenever and however often you need it, you are not alone.

I know the feeling of being so far from family and friends, and having no one close you can call upon or rely on And it sucks. The first months at home with DH away and so far from family was really really tough, and sometimes it still is. Fatigue can do crazy things to our minds and can exacerbate any issue to the extreme. Please speak to your doctor or MCHN and let them know what i going on with you, and talk to your DH - they often don't realise there is anything wrong or upsetting you and can be a real support when we are at our lowest.

You can and will get through this, and you will look at your gorgeous girl with all the love I know you feel for her, I promise.