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Thread: Will I ever like her?? **DISTRESSING**

  1. #1

    Unhappy Will I ever like her?? **DISTRESSING**

    I'm a regular here but need some privacy for this one.



    DD is just over a month old. I look at her and feel nothing. She is CONSTANTLY feeding and if not that screaming. I manage maybe 3 hours sleep a night and thats with her in our bed. I HATE it. I can't stand looking at her and I'm sick of listening to her and cuddling her.
    I feel like the worst mum ever for feeling this way. I feel nothing when I look at her and all I want to do is let her lay there and cry except it drives me insane.
    I have no family (from either side) close that can help me (DH's O/Seas and mine about 8 hours away) and have no real friends that can help me out either. ( the whole friends thing is another thread all together)

    I want to scream. I'm sitting here crying after feeding for like the 6th time since midnight. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to take her and leave her with someone who can care for her better than I can. She deserves a much better parent than me!

  2. #2

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    I've heard it can take some moms a bit longer to bond with their babies. It will happen. Some outside support would probaby really help. Are there any moms groups you can join? Mother Goose and mom playgroups were a god send to me after I had DS. I let myslef get too isolated and then got really depressed. Having some other moms to chat with would probably help you feel a whole lot better. Big hugs!

  3. #3

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    I couldn't read this and not post

    I am so sorry you feel so alone. You are not alone in this - not the first mum to feel this way and certainly not the last, and I promise, it does not make you a bad mum!

    It can be so so hard in the first few months, you are both strangers to one another, and they are so reliant on you, it really can be like you have lost yourself to this red, screaming creature. It will get better though, things will settle.

    I think perhaps you need to have a chat with your GP or MCHN about how you are feeling. Your MCHN should certainly ask you how you are feeling, be honest with her - they are there to help and can, if you are honest with her. You could be living with PND and need some support.
    If you are wanting some advice on the feeding, give the ABA helpline a call - 1800 MUM2MUM - they are fabulous to offer support and advice and even just an ear to let you know it is all normal.

    There are so many women here who have lived through these feelings and come out the other side, and will all be here to offer you love understanding and support whenever and however often you need it, you are not alone.

    I know the feeling of being so far from family and friends, and having no one close you can call upon or rely on And it sucks. The first months at home with DH away and so far from family was really really tough, and sometimes it still is. Fatigue can do crazy things to our minds and can exacerbate any issue to the extreme. Please speak to your doctor or MCHN and let them know what i going on with you, and talk to your DH - they often don't realise there is anything wrong or upsetting you and can be a real support when we are at our lowest.

    You can and will get through this, and you will look at your gorgeous girl with all the love I know you feel for her, I promise.

  4. #4

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    Please talk to someone. You are not unusual and it sounds like you need some additional support.

    You are a great mum. This is obvious because you are concerned about your baby and how you feel.

    Good luck!


  5. #5

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    The first few weeks can be really really hard, even when people have lots of support around. So when you don't have much family around, it has got to be tougher. Even though i knew i was having a bub, and had been getting ready for 9 months, nothing really prepared me for all the thoughts and feelings that would go through my head. And when i was not getting enough (much/any) sleep, it was so much harder to keep my thoughts 'normal'.

    Bubs normally smile at around 5 or 6 weeks, and i reckon this is because this is about the toughest time for parents, and they need a pick me up to keep going. It will get better, you will feel the love for your little girl, and she will love you right back.

    Please talk to the health nurse or a GP, and they can check that bub is ok and that you are doing ok too. The two of you have been through huge changes in just a short time, and sometimes you might need a bit of help to make the adjustments.

    take care,

    Kate

  6. #6

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    Have you had her checked for reflux hon? It sounds like she is crying A LOT more than normal and that is enough to drive anyone crazy! Some people have had good results from paediatric chiro or osteo too.
    Many for you... Maybe there are some BB girls in your area who could help??

  7. #7

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    Hun, you are not a bad Mum.. The fact that you care enough to 'reach out' for help is a sign of that..

    But I think you need to see a professional, for both you and DD.. The 1st few weeks are really hard, and if you are having issues with those, it bad times just never seem to go away.. You will get through this..

  8. #8

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    I know how you feel and felt the same with DS, the only advice I have is to really break it down - one day at a time, one hour a time, one feed at a time.
    It took a few months before I could say that I liked him and he was over a year before I felt that 'bond' eveyone talks about. It was like I was on autopilot for most of his first year doing what I had to.

    Is there someone you can speak to? we of course are here to help you debrief too.

  9. #9

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    i couldn't read & not post. big, squishy to you. i want to echo the PPs & say it could be worthwhile contacting your GP or MCHN & just talking through how you're feeling. sleep deprivation & the constant feeding/crying makes it hard to see that there's an end in sight/any chance of improvement but it does come, but you also need support to get there.

    i don't know where you are, but if you're in melb & need a friendly ear (sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger) or someone to help clean/cook/give you a break or anything at all, PM me & i really really do mean that. i remember those first weeks & even with family support, i still felt completely out of my depth at times.

    ETA - there's no official time within which you must like your baby - seems to me that for some it's instant & for others it may take months or a year or two. and it doesn't make you a bad mum if it takes you longer.

  10. #10

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    Massive i couldn't read and not post.
    Your an amazing mum, your on a community like BB, your reaching our for some help and thats what matters.
    I agree with the others that it might be good to go and see someone, even if it is your local GP, bubs could def have reflux or colic etc, does she take a dummy?
    My DD wouldn't (still wont) and i have seriously felt at times like i could throw her through a wall, she would cry for no reason, feed constantly and i couldn't leave a room or put her on the floor.
    Only recently have i noticed a change in her and that was when she has started solids, i don't know if it's helped settle her stomach or maybe she was hungry?
    Have you tried supplementing 1 feed a day with formula, i haven't myself but i know someone people say it works for them when they have a bub that feeds a lot?

    GL with it all, i hope someone has just the right advice for you!

  11. #11

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    No hun she chose you. You are her best parent, and while it doesn't feel like that at all right now, I totally get what it does feel like. I have lived through that. I cannot remember really the first 12 months of DD's life.

    You need some support. Now.
    You aren't doing anything wrong either.
    Can you ring the after hours number for your local community health? Your GP? Heck even the maternity unit where you had bub?

    Let your DH read this post. And the responses of other women who have BTDT. Tell him you can't cope. He may think it's phooey at first, but trust me when I tell you he will be your best ally.
    I truely hope you got a bit of sleep as sleep depirvation make everything 40 000 times worse.

    Keep posting hun and let us know how you are and what you need.

  12. #12

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    oh hun, i felt exactly the same when my bub was 2 weeks old. can you please go to the GP and dont skimp on the details.... i wanted to leave DD at someones house and never look back. i was admitted to a hospitals mother and baby unit with severe PND for a month and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. you are not alone. pls PM me if you want xx

  13. #13

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    please let us know if we can help in practical ways. I am also in Melbourne.

    Your feelings are not uncommon and it doesn't mean you have pnd or are not 'bonding'. Night times are tough and the sense of isolation and lonliness is so great. I used to have anxiety every evening just waiting to see what the night would bring.

    I remember wanting to deposit dd on a doorstep. I also remember sobbing in the bathroom until I was shaking. You have some pretty intense hormones happening, and have severe sleep deprivation...which changes your brains ability to function and rationalize. It's so tough.

    You're not alone. Many of us have been where you are. You will come through this, but you need sleep first of all. I would suggest going to your family if you can. You need a retreat style week off, where someone takes the baby all day and you sleep and only wake for feeds. Alternatively can your dh take leave for a week. This is important... You need some help. I personally didn't like the gp or mchn approach but my family rallied for me.

  14. #14

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    I'm in Melb (well kinda) aswell, if there is anything i can do to help.

  15. #15

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    I also think it would be a great idea to go and talk to your MCHN, GP or someone about it. Even the MCHN phoneline 13 22 29, 24hr help for mum's and dad's in Vic.
    It can be so overwhelming in the beginning, especially if you have no help or support. It's hard. The sleep deprivation, the not knowing, it's a massive change anytime a new baby enters our lives. Please go and get some help.

  16. #16

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    Just wanted to offer you more

    Most of what I would have posted has already been said by the others so I won't repeat it but I felt very similar to you during the early weeks. I found that I was 'faking' it (feeling that bond) until it started to happen naturally. I don't know if you have the energy for that or not but I found it helped me. You're not a bad mum for feeling this way, so many others have been in a similar position. I found things started to improve (slowly) once my son started to smile back at me. It was only small but it really helped me to feel that we were starting to develop some kind of relationship beyond the one-way cycle of feeding, nappy changes and rocking to sleep for short periods. Please let whomever you are most comfortable with IRL know that you need more support and we are all here for you. I am in country NSW - happy to travel a bit too if you need a hand with anything, housework etc so you can rest. xx

  17. #17

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    Hugs hun, I could't read and not reply. xoxoxo You are not a bad mum at all!

  18. #18

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    I have been in a position similar to yours (from what you have posted). Dh and I were fairly isolated from outside support (no family: all overseas or interstate) and we were literally 'at home with the baby'. this meant that there was no chance for 'time-out' or time to re-focus; especially in those tumultuous first 3 months (and ESPECIALLY the 5-8 week mark). It also put enormous pressure on us as a couple and threw many insecurities of our abilities as parents and humans to raise this little new person that was just so so demanding and completely reliant on us for her well being. it is a HUGE thing and a massive responsibility and unfortunately our modern western society really is at odds with 'raising babies': it kinda goes against all common sense...we have a baby, bring them home and then that's it, we sit in our lounge-room: alone. and the real tragedy is that it is up to us (as the parents) to force ourselves out on people. BUT you just gotta do it...

    as the others have mentioned you have to FORCE yourself to talk to your MCHN about the loneliness, the isolation from family and the pressure this is placing on you achieving a happy (or at least not a distressed) relationship with your baby. she will have a few options for you like joining a mothers group (most states have MCHN-run ones...except QLD i think), she might also have some numbers that you can call if you don't like the way you feel and would like to talk to someone about the possibility of being at risk of PND (PND has many symptoms not just 'feeling low'...ie anxiety, insomnia, excessive crying, obsessive thoughts...not just doom and gloom, but like not being able to 'switch off', no appetite etc etc). If your MCHN does run a mothers group, but there is a waiting period, ask her if this can be reconsidered (again bring focus back to you being isolated). i know that where i lived (in the ACT) that there was a 'soft' rule that you waited until bubs was around the 12 week mark. but because i was obviously anxious and isolated i was found a spot when DD was 3 weeks old (and it was the BEST thing i could of done at that time as i was able to see other mums and see that my baby and myself were 'normal'...that no one really is like the 'maternal goddess' that is portrayed in the J&J ads LOL).

    If you live in Victoria, call PANDA. although they are for post and ante natal anxiety (and you might not be experiencing this) i can highly recommend giving them a call as they have counsellors that can talk you through your feelings and maybe even find you a more compassionate MCHN (if that's an issue) or a mothers group that you can join, or even simple tips like baby friendly cafes etc etc in your area that can be a good place to hang out and just get out of the house and break the monotony. (they have a website too which is fantastic, especially if you live outside of VIC...panda org au).

    HTH and big big it does and will get better and yes, you will love her and bond with her one day, just be gentle on yourself and place no expectations on how you feel you should be feeling. xx

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